


Mayora The XIII

by ashika



Category: Gintama
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Drama, F/M, Forced Marriage, M/M, Mentions of other Gintama characters
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-26
Updated: 2019-04-14
Packaged: 2019-07-02 21:45:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 86,050
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15805185
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ashika/pseuds/ashika
Summary: Edo has run out of mayonnaise and Hijikata is suffering from it, and his day gets even worse when he gets into a fight with Gintoki. In the middle of their fight they get kidnapped by people from Planet Mayo. They treat Hijikata as prince Mayora the 13th and they take him and Gintoki to meet the king of the Planet Mayo.Gintoki wants to leave the planet as soon as possible and when the king tells Hijikata that he is supposed to marry the princess of the Planet Mayo, Hijikata is not so keen to stay either.Inspired from the episode 114.





	1. It's not easy being a mayonnaise addict

**Author's Note:**

> My first fanfiction ever! I’m so nervous, but here we go chapter 1.  
> Beware of the grammar mistakes. They can lurk anywhere…

” I’m terribly sorry, we don’t have any mayonnaise in our store”, young salesman said and bowed politely.

“There have been some problems in the mayonnaise factory, and they haven’t been able to send products to us and all our stock has been sold out. But we have excellent ketchup if you would like to…?

Before the friendly salesman could finish his sentence, the dark-haired customer had already left the store.

Already a tenth store Hijikata had visited, and yet another disappointment. Everywhere he went he was greeted by the same words. When he had ordered Yamazaki to fill the mayonnaise stock back in the Shinsengumi barracks and Shinsengumi spy had come back with zero mayonnaise bottles, Hijikata had decided to go himself to buy more this almighty product after he had beaten up Yamazaki for a failed mission. But it began to look like Hijikata’s treatment for Yamazaki was uncalled for.  
There was no mayonnaise in whole Edo. Not in small stores or big markets. Hijikata hadn´t had any portion of mayonnaise in that day and it began to affect his body and mind.

What had he done to deserve such punishment? Smoking and mayonnaise were the only few things in his life that made him happy and now one of them was cruelly taken away from him. Hijikata lit his cigarette and let out a small smoke puff. Better to enjoy this before they take the cigarettes away too…again! Hiijkata walked down the street hands in his pockets.

God damnit! He felt like a diabetic who hadn’t taken his insulin injection. He felt tired and angrier than usual and a little dizzy too. If Hijikata didn’t know any better he would swear that this was all Sougo’s doing, but even that sadistic brat wouldn’t stop the whole mayonnaise factory and empty all stores’ stocks. It would be too much work for that lazy work slacker. So why there is no mayonnaise in the whole city and what problems the factory had? Maybe he should go to the factory and check the situation himself...?

Hijikata bumped into someone and after that his uniform was all covered in something sticky and sweet. He angrily looked at the person who bumped into him and when he saw who it was, Hijikata knew that his already bad day would only get worse.

“Talking about diabetic,” Hijikata snarled between his teeth.

“Ahh! My chocolate parfaits! My precious chocolate parfaits! What’s your problem damn tax robber, huh? Is it not enough that you rob citizens money, you also have to destroy their delicious parfaits!” Sakata Gintoki yelled, kneeling on the ground and trying to save some of the parfait that wasn’t touching the ground.

“My problem? What’s your problem damn perm head! Walking like a blind while carrying parfait in both hands. Was it too difficult to stay and eat those disgusting sugarbombs at that place where you bought them from? Or actually where you took them from cause idiot like you usually don’t have any money!” Hijikata yelled back, dizziness and tiredness all gone but the feeling of anger was now stronger than ever.

“They had two for the price of one offer, and Gin-san has money which he has successfully hidden from mayo loving tax robber cop like you,” Gintoki replied and finally gave up on trying to save the remains of his parfaits.

“Funny how you always complain about taxes when you don’t even pay them in the first place!”

Seriously, if Hijikata got money every time this bastard complained about taxes and tax robbers, other citizens wouldn’t need to pay their taxes for the rest of their lives. No scratch that, replace money with mayonnaise and Hijikata’s mayonnaise problem would be solved. Oh, how he craved for mayonnaise right now. Suddenly Gintoki grabbed Hijikata’s arm and started to drag him down the street.

“Let’s go, you have to buy me at least four parfaits for this,” he said and pointed his ruined desserts.

“Four! Why should I buy four for you? Hell, I’m not going to buy even one cherry for parfait let alone four whole parfaits!”

“Of course you should buy”, Gintoki said and continued dragging Hijikata, “You have to replace those two parfaits you ruined by walking like a headless chicken and get me two more so that I can recover from this traumatic incident.”

“That doesn’t make any sense! In the end you just want to get more parfaits and make me pay cause you don’t have enough money. There’s not even a point for this conversation because this is all your fault from the beginning!” Now it was Hijikata’ s turn to take a grip from Gintoki but instead of his arm Hijikata got a grip from silver hair’s collar.

“I should have realized right away that it is you who has emptied all mayonnaise from the stores!” Hijikata yelled, maniac look in his eyes.

“Huuh!” Now it was Gintoki’ s turn to be surprised from this kind of accusation.

“Oi oi mayo prince are you having a fever? What are you talking about? Why would I bother to do such a thing?

“You have always disliked mayonnaise and you have always disliked me so what a better way to make amends for my tax robbing than preventing me for getting any mayonnaise.”

Hijikata didn’t have any real evidence against this sugar freak, but who else would have done it? The factory might have some problems without any specific reason, but the stores wouldn’t run out mayonnaise so quickly, because people didn’t buy it that much.

“Sure, I have always disliked mayonnaise and have never been number one fan of yours but I have no interest nor money to buy such an amount of mayonnaise! And what would I do with all that and where would I get all the money from to buy them? You just said that I’m not known for being rich!”

Gintoki didn’t have any idea how this conversation turned from his four free parfaits to him robbing this mayo addict’s mayonnaises. Had this crazy cop finally gone completely mad?

“I don’t know, you probably toss it all to sea or what ever and the money you probably got from some shady business you always do.”

“Hijikata-kun, if I had that much money that I could buy all the stores empty from mayonnaise I would rather buy chocolate parfaits for the rest of my life.”

“Well it wouldn’t be a really long life because you would die from sugar overdose, you damn sugar addict!” Hijikata was reaching his limits. He was ready to put lights out from this perm head.

“It would still be longer and much happier than your short, sour and lonely life! Get it? Because you will die from mayonnaise overdose and your life is just as sour and lonely like mayonnaise. It tastes sour and no one else wants to live with it. If you need mayo so much, then why don’t you hop on the nearest spaceship and fly to the mayonnaise planet mayora! And stay there!"

Gintoki was reaching his limit too, and he was ready to knock out this crazy cop and after that he would drag him to a parfait shop and make him buy Gintoki at least 10 parfaits.

“Oh, I would love to if such a planet existed. Unfortunately, I have to stay here and keep punks like you in order so that citizens can enjoy their mayonnaise in peace!”

Hijikata was ready to throw a punch at Gintoki and so was Gintoki at Hijikata when Gintoki suddenly stopped his hit before it reached Hijikata’ s face. With his other hand he blocked Hijikata’s strike.

“Hold on, what’s this?” Gintoki asked, a strange feeling taking over him.

“What are you blabbering about?” Hijikata was sure this was some kind of diversion from the Yorozua and was ready to hit that sugar addict again.

“I’m feeling hot. I mean I know I’m the hottest character in Gintama but this a little bit too much,” Gintoki felt like his whole body was on fire. What on earth was going on? Sure, he was always fired up when he met with this guy but not this literally!

“Hah! You? The hottest character? Please. Because of that perm head of yours, you are easily mistaken for a mop”, Hijikata laughed. To be honest, Hijikata was feeling the same heat too, but presumed it was only because of his lack of mayonnaise.

“Hmph! And what? You think you are hotter than me? With that v-shaped bangs of yours you are mistaken for upside down triangle. You are probably the least hottest character in Gintama! Even Prince Hata I mean Baka is….?!”

Suddenly, a bright light blinded them and before they knew it, both sugar addict and mayonnaise addict were lifted from the ground into the large spaceship in a shape of mayonnaise bottle.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!


	2. Ask good questions and you get lousy answers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A huge thanks to all readers!  
> Also thank you so much for all the kudos and lovely comments!

Gintoki woke up on his back with a feeling of throwing up. Some unpleasant smell filled his nose and his head hurt like Sadaharu was chewing it with all his might. What an unpleasant dream he just had. Frankly, he would had loved to go back to sleep and wake up later to get a parfait as a medicine for his nausea and pain, but something in his head told him to wake up now.

Slowly, Gintoki opened his eyes only to see that he wasn’t at the Yorozuya household and the smell he smelled wasn’t Kagura’s, or worse, Otae’s cooking. And the pain he felt in his head wasn’t caused by the giant dog. When Gintoki got his red eyes fully open, they were met by a pair of blue eyes looming over him. Gintoki blinked once. Then twice. Blue eyes were mirroring his eye movements. There was a long silence. Then the owner of those blue eyes spoke with a gentle voice:

“How are you feeling, mayo?”

“AAAAAHH!!”  
Gintoki got up fast and backed away until his back hit the wall.

“Who are you!? Where am I? How did I get here?” Gintoki yelled, and was ready to pull his wooden sword only to realize that it wasn’t hanging from his belt.

“Oi! What did you do to my sword, you little….?” Tsap!

It felt like lightning had hit his eyes. First Gintoki saw nothing but white, and after that he couldn’t see or remember anything.

 

Gintoki woke up on his back with a feeling of throwing up and he struggled to breath. Some unpleasant smell filled his nose and his head hurt like Sadaharu was chewing it with all his might. What an unpleasant dream he just had. Frankly, he would have loved to go back to sleep and wake up later to get a parfait as medicine for his nausea and pain, but something in his head told him to wake up now. That, and the fact that he had trouble to breath.

Slowly, Gintoki opened his eyes only to see that he wasn’t at the Yorozuya household and the smell he smelled wasn’t Kagura’s, or worse yet, Otae’s cooking. And the pain he felt in his head wasn’t caused by the giant dog. And there was something taped over his mouth and his arms and legs were tied up.  
When Gintoki got his eyes fully open, his red eyes were met by a pair of blue eyes looming over him. Gintoki blinked once. Then twice. Blue eyes were mirroring his eye movements. There was a long silence. Then the owner of those blue eyes spoke with a gentle voice that had a hint of annoy in it.

“How are you feeling, mayo? Please don’t start a hassle, mayo. This is already a third time you wake up, mayo. We don’t want to be harsh, but you didn’t leave us much of a choice, mayo. Do you understand, mayo?”

Gintoki stared at this big and tall walking mayonnaise bottle, and slowly and calmly he nodded his head. Talking mayo bottle seemed to accept Gintoki’s calm behavior and soon Gintoki was released from his ties and the tape that was covering his mouth. Gintoki stood up, slowly as a turtle, and backed away until his back hit the wall once again.

“WHO ARE YOU!? WHERE AM I? HOW DID I GET HERE? AND WHERE IS MY SWORD DAMNIT?”

Gintoki asked the same questions again, completely unaware that he was acting like this for the third time already. Gintoki glanced quickly around and realized that he and the mayo bottle weren’t the only ones in the room. At least ten mayo bottles, each one of them having a pair of human-like arms and legs and blue eyes, were staring at him. They were all dressed in navy blue trousers and long jackets, (some kind of uniform, Gintoki assumed) and everyone was carrying a long spear.

The scene before him brought him back a lively memory with Hijikata dressed in a giant mayo bottle costume and pretending to be the prince of mayonnaise planet to break up with Matsudaira Kuriko.

Mayo people exchanged bothered looks between themselves. The mayo bottle who had done all the talking this far spoke again:

“Please calm yourself, mayo. We are almost at the destination and I wouldn’t want to use this again, mayo”, he said and showed a little flashlight thing, in a shape of a mayonnaise bottle of course.

Gintoki stared at the little flashlight and began to understand that the dream he thought he saw wasn’t a dream at all. That he was indeed captured by some living groceries and god knows what these guys were planning to do to him. What Gintoki knew for sure was that he didn’t want to get hit with that flashlight, so he raised his hands up over his head as a sign of surrender and spoke calmly.

“Oookaayyy… Gin-san is calm, mayo. Mayo people are calm, mayo. Everybody is calm, mayo”, Gintoki spoke with soothing voice and tried to look as calm as possible.

“Gin-san just out of curiosity wants to know who you fine gentlemen are, mayo, and how did I get here, mayo, and could I have my sword back, mayo?” Gintoki asked and twisted his mouth into the fakest smile he could possible put on his face. Mayo bottle smiled and turned the flashlight off. Gintoki sighed in relief.

“Thank you for your co-operation, mayo. We aren’t quite sure what would happen to you if we use this at you for a fourth time, mayo. After all, in the instructions it is told that you should use this only three times for the same person, mayo”, he said. Then he startled all of sudden.

“Oh, it just occurred to me that this model is quite old, and if I remember correctly in the new model’s instructions it is told that you should use these only two times for one person, mayo”, he said and glanced at the others and they nodded in approval.

“So it means that the third time might have caused some minor changes in your brain function, mayo, but surely it’s nothing that would prevent you from living a normal life, mayo”, Mayo bottle said and smiled like Gintoki had only broke his fingernail. Gintoki on the other hand, lost his smile in a second and was once again at the edge of rage.

“What! You can’t blind people with those if you don’t even know how to use them! In fact, you shouldn’t blind anyone even if you knew how to use them!”, Gintoki ranted, his fingers itching for his sword.

“What is that that thing anyway? Some lousy rip-off from Men in Black?

Mayo bottles looked hurt and shamed, like Gintoki had just insulted their greatest invention.

“It’s not a rip-off. If anyone has ripped of something it’s those Men in Black guys”, a new, hoarse voice joined the conversation, and a shorter and much older mayo bottle stepped in. He was at least a head shorter than other mayo bottles and he had long grey mustaches and beard which almost reached to his toes. He was also dressed in navy blue, but his jacket had a silver collar and its sleeves had tree silver buttons.

“The great Mayo memory blender is one of our nation’s greatest innovations and I do not wish to hear anyone speaking ill about it”, he said and walked towards Gintoki as others stepped aside to make way for the older mayonnaise bottle.

“Thank you, Akio-san. I will take it from here”, he said to the mayo bottle who had the Mayo memory blender, and this bowed in respect and returned among the others.

The older mayo bottle turned his gaze at Gintoki.

“My name is Tomohiro, and I’m the adviser of the King in Planet Mayo”, Tomohiro said and looked Gintoki with his grey-blue eyes, examining the samurai from head to toes.

“And what comes to your head, I think it’s safe to assume that there wasn’t much of a brain function in the first place so nothing crucial was lost”, he said after a long careful examination.

“Oi oi, look who you are talking to, old geezer”, Gintoki said with his arms folded.

“My brains have more grey brain cells than you can imagine”, Gintoki said with a confident smile. “They beat your old mayonnaise rotted cells any day”, he continued while poking his finger inside his nose.

Tomohiro shivered hearing such vulgar language not to mention the action Gintoki’s finger was busy doing.

“There may be many”, Tomohiro said, “but I’m afraid most of them are busy doing nothing while those few cells which are working aren’t making much of a progress”, Tomohiro said with a sorry voice which just angered Gintoki more.

“All right! That’s enough about my head and its content”, Gintoki said feistily, “You all have been busy talking nonsense but none of you have answered my questions. So where am I and…”

“Yes, yes, we remember your questions all too well”, Tomohiro said massaging his temple in annoy, “No need to repeat them. “

“Your first question was who are we? I already introduced myself and you probably heard Akio-san’s name too”, Tomohiro said and pointed at the orange-haired Akio who was waiving happily at Gintoki with his Mayo memory blender. Gintoki shivered and awkwardly waved back.

“I presume that you don’t want to learn everyone’s name here?” Tomohiro asked and Gintoki answered with a quick and loud “NO!” Maybe a little too quickly, because Tomohiro was giving him a judging look.

“Very well, so the second question was where you are, and I can proudly tell you that you have an honor to be at his majesty’s flagship The Flying Mayoman!” Tomohiro announced proudly and speared his hands like embracing the spaceship’s greatness.

“The Flying Mayoman?” Gintoki asked in disbelief, “Are you kidding me? Another rip-off! The name is clearly borrowed from…”

“The THIRD question”, Tomohiro said with a loud voice, completely ignoring Gintoki’s interruption. “The third question was how did you get here? We simply lifted you with our great powerful Mayo vacuum!” Tomohiro announced in joy, small tears falling from his eyes. Gintoki was losing his patience again.

“Oi! Why every object’s name has the word mayo in it? And why are you getting so emotional all of sudden? Is presenting your weird creations to a stranger that great?” Gintoki yelled, eager to shut the old man with his own mustaches.

“The fourth question”, Tomohiro said now with a much more neutral voice, “Where is your sword? We took it from you because you seemed a little, ahem, unbalanced person. And apparently, we were right,” he added, “So we put it somewhere in the storage back there”, old mayo bottle said with a bored voice

“Why do you sound so bored right know?” Gintoki yelled. “Just a second ago you were boasting about your stuff and getting all emotional and now you speak about my sword like it’s some old thing what you don’t use anymore but don’t want to get rid of it yet, so you bury it somewhere out of sight! “

“So now we have answered all of your questions”, Tomohiro said, ignoring Gintoki again, “And now I would like to ask questions from you”, he said in a serious voice and was staring Gintoki so intensely that Gintoki thought the old man was staring right through his soul.

“What’s your name and why were you fighting with the prince Mayora the 13th?” Tomahiro asked and his facial expression stayed death serious.

“Why did I fight with Mayora the 13th?” Gintoki’s small grey brain cells were trying their best to get some logic to that sentence.

“Mayora the 13th? You mean Hijikata-kun?”, Gintoki said out loud, and his brain cells were congratulating each other for putting the pieces together for the correct answer.

 

Hijikata was dead. He was sure of it. He had died from the lack of mayonnaise and gone to heaven. A little strange heaven, but heaven non-the-less.

Hijikata was sitting on a big soft blue armchair and he was receiving all the attention from servants. Lady servants. Lady servants dressed in mayo bottles. One of them had kneeled down and was washing and massaging his feet. Another one was behind his back, massaging his tense shoulders. And the third one was standing beside him, feeding him yakisoba topped with a great amount of mayonnaise.

Hijikata took another bite of food again when the servant brought the chopsticks close to his mouth. Hijikata closed his eyes with a blissful smile as the food was melting in his mouth. Yes, this was heaven. He was reunited with the mayonnaise once again. It felt a little awkward and odd being surrounded by these servants, and to be honest he would had preferred to be alone, with the mayonnaise. But one servant who was giving him the back rub was hitting all the right places, so Hijikata decided to endure this uncomfortable feeling. Besides, the mayonnaise he was eating was tastier than he had ever tasted, so whenever Hijikata got another portion in his mouth, all the unpleasant feelings faded away.

“Are you enjoying yourself, prince, mayo?” Servant who was feeding Hijikata asked with a sweet voice.

Hijikata swallowed loudly and turned his gaze to the servant. There it was again. That word that seemed to wake Hijikata from his bliss every time he heard it. Prince? Him? As much as Hijikata was enjoying his time with the mayonnaise, something was wrong here on so many levels.

When Hijikata had woken up from his unconsciousness after he was blinded by that strange light, he had been greeted by these three servants dressed in pink aprons. They had spoken in union;

“Welcome to his majesty’s ship the Flying Mayoman, prince Mayora the 13th, mayo. We hope that you are feeling all right, mayo. We will do anything to make you feel relaxed and happy, mayo.”

Hijikata had stared these three servants in confusion from the armchair, and had been about to ask what the hell was going on when these three lady mayonnaise bottles had surrounded him and one by one they had asked the following questions:

“Would you like to have a back rub, prince, mayo?”

“Would you like to have your feet washed and massaged, prince, mayo?”

“Would you like to have some lunch, prince, mayo?”

And when that question had been asked, and the young servant had showed a bowl of yakisoba with mayonnaise topping, Hijikata had forgotten all the questions and could have only replied “Yes, please.”

But now Hijikata was back in reality and decided to question his kind servants before he would fall back to his mayonnaise hypnosis.

“Excuse me, but could you tell me what is going on here... mayo?” Hijikata asked with calm but determined voice. He felt odd using “mayo” in sentences again, but he didn’t want to be rude, assuming this really was a local way to end your sentence.

But instead of answering the question, the three lady servants stared Hijikata like he had just said something inappropriate.  
Before Hijikata could ask what the matter was, an old mayonnaise bottle with grey mustaches walked in the hall they were in. “Tomohiro wasn’t it”, Hijikata tought, when the king’s adviser walked towards him. Hijikata had met Tomohiro first time when he had enjoyed his first bowl of yakisoba and Tomohiro had came to check how Mayora the 13th was doing.

“Mayora the 13th -sama, back here royalties and people close to them don’t use “mayo”, when ending their sentences”, Tomohiro said and bowed politely when he spoke to Hijikata.

“I guess you have different manners there where you come from”, old man said smiling gently.

“Eh...” Hijikata was lost for words again.

“Please do relax, we are about to land soon”, Tomohiro said, and waved his hand as a signal for the servant ladies to follow him and leave Hijikata alone. Ladies bowed politely to Hijikata and scurried quickly after Tomohiro.

“So much for questioning”, Hijikata sighed, and sank deeper in his soft armchair.

What the heck was going on? Why was he called a prince and treated like one, too? And what’s with the Mayora the 13th? Last time he checked it was Mayora 13, and it was his code name when he tried to save Kuriko’s relationship with that poopy-pants guy from Kondo-san, Sougo and Totsan.

Hijikata rubbed his hands on his face. So many questions and zero answers. And where was the Yorozuya? Hijikata remembered the bastard complaining about the heat and suddenly there was this great light that blinded them. But was Hijikata the only one who was captured? Did they leave the perm head alone?  
Hijikata hated to admit it but even that perm head’s company would bring him some sort of piece of mind, knowing that he wasn’t alone in this spaceship with a bunch of strangers taking him to a strange place. But it seemed that he was alone. No one hadn’t even mentioned Yorozuya or questioned Hijikata about him. Damn.

What was he supposed to do?

A sudden pair of arms on his shoulders woke Hijikata from his deep thoughts. They were massaging him, a little rougher than earlier. Didn’t all the servants leave already? Was there still one left? Hijikata was about to turn his head to check the person who was giving him the massage, but when he tried, the grip on his shoulders got harder.

“Please keep your head still my lord, mayo”, a voice said behind Hijikata. It sounded exaggeratedly high and somehow a little masculine too. Well, who Hijikata was to judge people’s voices. Good thing that there was now a person he could interrogate.

“Ahem… so...” Hijikata started. “You have really soft hands”, he said with an awkward smile. He decided not to go straight to the point, so he wouldn’t scare off the potential information giver.

The servant giggled. “Oh, thank you, my lord, so kind of you, mayo. But may I say your shoulders are quite hard, mayo. Like massaging two iron lumps, mayo”, she said and giggled again.

Hijikata was taken aback little. Was that a way to speak to the prince? Hijikata shaked his head and decided to ignore what the servant said. He had to get some answers, so he continued now that the ice had been broken;

“Yeah, it’s been rough lately. So, have you possibly seen the person I came with here? He has permy and silver hair, eyes like dead fish’s and his overall essence is lazy.

The servant giggled again but at the same time his grip from Hijikata’s shoulders got harder.

“Can’t say I have seen such a person. But I did run a cross with this handsome looking samurai who had beautiful natural wavy hair. His eyes sparkled in a certain light and his overall essence screamed manliness and briskness.

“Huh?”

“But this samurai ranted about some government dog whose stupidity had brought samurai and the said dog to this mayonnaise reeking ship with no way out of here”, the servant said but didn’t giggle anymore and her voice sounded now a little too familiar for Hijikata’s ears.

Note: When I wrote the next part, I had Gintama ost 2: 16 Nuoo! Watashi ga Yaru Aruu playing in my head. You can listen it while reading if you want to :)

 

“What the-”

Hijikata turned his head, and before he could react, a big vat filled with hot water mixed with lavender scent was poured over him, and as a final touch the vat was pushed on his head with great strength.

“Greetings from the ground floor”, Gintoki said and he’s dead fish eyes were all fired up.

Hijikata stared at the silver-haired samurai with shocked eyes. But it only took a few seconds before the Shinsengumi Vice-Chief had matching fire in his eyes and jumped off from his chair.

“What the hell, Yorozuya?!” Trying to burn my head?!” Hijikata yelled so hard that spit was flying out of his mouth.

“Serves you right, lavender boy!” Gintoki replied, “I’ve been suffering down there in a third degree interrogation and brain blending while your highness has been up here enjoying luxury! I’m going crazy with everyone saying mayo, mayo, mayo!”

“It’s not my fault that you piss of people so easily! I’ve been trying to get information about our situation and you are just monkeying around acting like a servant. And what’s wrong with your hands? It felt like I was being massaged by a gorilla”, Hijikata said and tried to dry himself with a towel.

“My hands are nothing like gorilla’s. You should know since you are living with one”, Gintoki said and started to throw bath salt bottles and lavender bottles and all kinds of bottles and cups he could find at Hijikata.

Hijikata avoided the bottles thrown at him and started to bombard Gintoki with all the food items he could find. Only the mayonnaise he left in peace, of course.

“Kondo-san’s hands are like silk compared to your rough hands. Even mayonnaise couldn’t soften them”, Hijikata said and threw a red apple straight to Gintoki’s nose, making it bleed.

“Like I would want your disgusting mayonnaise on my hands”, Gintoki said and threw a bath salt bottle at Hijikata. It landed right into his temple, leaving a red spot on it.

“Bring it on, you bastard!” Hijikata yelled and hold a big salad platter like a weapon as he rushed at Gintoki.

“I’ll show you a real massage, your rotten highness!” Gintoki yelled back and rushed at Hijikata holding a massage roll stick as a weapon. The two samurais fought each other with all their strength and yelled insults completely ignoring smashed food on the walls and broken bottles on the floor.

Suddenly hall’s doors opened, and Tomohiro walked in with two guards. He was clearly holding back all the bad words he would have loved to say to these childish men. He cleared his throat and stared at the two samurais, clearly trying to avoid seeing the mess they had made.

“We have arrived”, he said and tried to smile but the corners of his mouth were reluctant to co-operate.

“If you would be so kind and follow these two guards. They will lead you out of the ship”, Tomohiro said tensely.

Hijikata followed the guards looking embarrassed while Gintoki walked behind him a finger in his nose and a blank expression on his face.

“I think I need to use the great Mayo memory blender to forget this sight”, Tomohiro sighed and closed the doors leaving the messy hall behind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter: Hijikata and Gintoki will finally meet the king!
> 
> What did you think about the soundtrack suggestion? There is always a track playing in my head when I write XD I might do this again!
> 
> Thank you and see you in the next chapter!


	3. Welcome to Planet Mayo, mayo

Gintoki and Hijikata followed the two guards, and Tomohiro was following right behind them. They walked down a long hallway that was crowded with guards and servants and when they passed them by they all bowed deeply and said “Welcome to Planet Mayo, Mayora the 13th-sama, mayo.”

Hijikata just nodded slightly and kept walking. He was nervous. He felt how sweat was falling down his back and his fingers were busy doing all sorts of movements. He thought putting his hands in his pockets but he doubted that a real prince would do such a thing. It wasn’t like Hijikata wanted to act like a prince. He wanted to tell the truth as soon as possible, and a few times he tried to whisper to Tomohiro about it but was always hushed by the old man and forced to keep walking and keep his eyes forward

What made Hijikata even more nervous was how calm the Yorozuya was. Every now and then Hijikata could hear this idiot mumbling about “rotten mayonnaise bottles” and “prince my ass” but was always silenced when Tomohiro hit him on the head with his hand. Or at least Tomohiro tried. He was much shorter than Gintoki, so he only reached his lower back, but it was enough to do the trick. But other than that, the Yorozuya boss was really tame from his usual self and didn’t make any attempt to escape or to even irritate someone, not even Hijikata.

So yes, Hijikata was really nervous, and he was certain that whatever waited them outside wasn’t going to make him feel any better.  
They finally reached the exit of the spaceship, and Tomohiro came to stand in front of Hijikata and Gintoki. The door of the exit was still closed but Hijikata could hear loud music and people yelling outside. Hijikata swallowed nervously.

“Now then, when you step outside, there will be a lot of people and the noise is almost unbearable”, Tomohiro said,

“But you will be fine as long as you follow the red carpet that has been rolled out. At the end of the carpet, there are two vehicles waiting for you. You get in to it and it will take you to the Capital Kingdom”, Tomohiro said, and was looking at only Hijikata when he spoke. Perhaps it was because Gintoki was busy again digging his nose and Tomohiro couldn’t stand to see such sight.

“Also, don’t forget to wave to the people and smile, smile like your life would depend on it”, Tomohiro said and showed them an example, smiling and waving like it was the easiest thing to do.

“Now you try”, he encouraged Hijjikata.

Hijikata carefully raised his hand and waved like he had a broken robot arm. His smile would have been excellent for a horror movie. So tense and nervous Hijikata was that he couldn’t act naturally.

“Oh dear”, Tomohiro said quietly to himself and rolled his eyes. “It’s all right, p-perhaps you just wave a few times and try not to look like you have just eaten a bucket of lemons and you’ll be fine”, Tomohiro assured and smiled gently, his eyes still a little in shock.

Hijikata nodded and felt his heart beating in his chest so hard that he was afraid it would burst out from his chest. He could still say it. He could still say that this was all a misunderstanding and that he was not a prince and had no intention to be one.

“T-Tomohiro, listen, there’s been a mistake, I’m not…”

“And off you go!” Tomohiro said as the exit door opened, and he pushed Hijikata quickly out of it to be adored by the cheering crowd.

Hijikata tottered when he was pushed out of the ship, and he desperately looked back to the ship were Gintoki and the rest were still standing, but Tomohiro just gestured him to walk forward and Gintoki was just examining his snot, not even looking at Hijikata.

“Damn that useless perm head, damn it all!” Hijikata cursed under his breath and slowly turned around because clearly there was no other way out of this situation.

When he turned around and faced the cheering crowd, Hijikata hoped he could just pass out. Thousands of mayonnaise bottles were waiting him in front of the ship. He could see in the crowd different kinds of pennants in multiple colors, and some even had a picture of him in his Shinsengumi uniform on a big cardboard. Where had they got his picture from?

Carefully Hijikata walked down the bridge that was attached to the ship. And when his feet hit the ground, the music that had been playing in the background stopped and the crowd fell silent. Hijikata started to panic. Had he already done something wrong? But before Hijikata could think of any reason, soldiers standing in line next to Hijikata started to play a fanfare and soon the crowd started to cheer again. Hijikata startled. He hadn’t seen the soldiers. He was so concentrated that he wasn’t paying much of attention to his surroundings.

As Hijikata walked along the red carpet, he could see the crowd more closely. There were people from baby to granny, men and women, and they were all behind the barriers but it didn’t stop them from reaching their hands towards Hijikata and trying to grab his attention.

Hijikata was still quite terrified and it took all his willpower to move his legs but now he could release his breath he had been holding all these long minutes. The people seemed genuinely happy about his arrival, and that made Hijikata feel a little bit more relaxed.

Slowly Hijikata raised his hand and waved to the people and smiled a little. He didn’t dare to show his full smile. Tomohiro’s reaction was reason enough not to do so. However, people seemed to be satisfied with his small gestures, at least many female guests were adoring him.

“Aah, so handsome!” “Ooh, so cute” “Uuh, so manly” were the most used phrases Hijikata heard. And these weren’t used only by women of his age but even by grandmas and little school girls. Hijikata felt like a dog in a dog show, walking on the red carpet being eyed by everyone.

Finally, the carpet that seemed to be endless ended, and on the end of it waited two vehicles just like Tomohiro had said - though the word vehicle was questionable.

“Haha, what- what is that?” Gintoki said, trying to hide his laughter behind his hand without much of an effort. Hijikata turned around to see Gintoki and Tomohiro behind him with a few guards. Hijikata hadn’t noticed that they had walked right behind him.

“Back there you were boasting about your great Mayo memory blender and whatnot but here you use wooden wagons as a vehicle!” Gintoki laughed and was now acting more like his usual self. Tomohiro stood beside Gintoki and his face was dangerously red from anger.

“It’s not a wagon, it’s a royal seat with wheels”, Tomohiro said sharply keeping his hands behind his back, but Hijikata was sure they were busy doing choking movements on the Gintoki’s imaginary neck.

“So in other words a wagon”, Gintoki snickered and poked the vehicle with his finger.

“It’s not a-“

“I think it’s great”, Hijikata said hurriedly, trying to stop the fight before it got any worse.

This time, though, Hijikata had to admit that Yorozuya’s option didn’t differ much from his own. It really was a wagon. That kind of wagon which Gintoki and his kids had used when they took him away to the “Mayo planet” when he had broken up with Kuriko. Who would have thought? It was painted in bright red and had the royal coat of arms attached on it. (A mayonnaise bottle and two crown-headed lions protecting it.) Two soldiers were standing beside it, probably ready to pull it and push it from the carrying poles.

Hijikata sat hesitantly on the wagon that was filled with pillows, and immediately the two soldiers went on their positions. After Tomohiro had kicked Gintoki into the second wagon, he himself sat to the same wagon with Hijikata and so they left, leaving the cheering and waiving crowd behind.

 

The road to the Capital Kingdom, named Mayottingham, (apparently there were many kingdoms on Planet Mayo) was long and bumpy, but it gave Hijikata a chance to take a peek at local landscapes and ordinary folk’s lives.

The roads were mostly sand roads and they were full of pits, hence the unsteady ride. They travelled through valleys, giant mountains rising higher and higher as they went on and bright green grass covering them. It really was a breath-taking sight. Hijikata breathed in fresh air, the scent of flowers and grass filling his nose. It was hard to believe that such a clean nature existed, and this was the last place Hijikata would have thought of finding it. On the other hand, he didn’t even know that there was a planet called Mayo, so there’s that.

When they came across an old wooden cable bridge, and let’s be clear, it really looked old and to be in a poor shape, Hijikata found it hard to breathe again. He had survived from the flight and from the cheering crowd but was now about to lose his life on a shaky bridge.

Gintoki was clearly having the same thoughts because Hijikata could hear him from the second wagon yelling things like: “I forgot something in the spaceship,” “You go ahead, I’ll find another way” and “I’m too young to die!” and finally: “You suicidal mayo bottles!” Though Tomohiro assured them that the bridge was fine, they still decided to put Gintoki’s wagon to cross it first, so if the bridge gave any hints of falling apart, they would find another way. Anything to keep the prince safe. Luckily the bridge didn’t fall apart and both wagons could continue the journey.

 

Eventually they arrived to the villages and farms. People there were busy doing their chores like milking cows, feeding animals and carrying vegetables and fruits to the market place. But as soon as they saw the royal wagons, they stopped what they were doing and started to wave and cheer, warmly welcoming the arriving prince.  
Hijikata once again showed his awkward smile and shaky waiving, but it didn’t bother people this time either.

Some started to run after the wagons, carrying food and souvenirs, trying to give them to Hijikata, as they wanted to show their hospitality to the new prince. There were two soldiers on the both sides of the wagon, and they firmly pushed the villagers away if they got too close to the wagon.

Hijikata was little taken aback from this kind of action. Surely there wasn’t anything wrong if the villagers tried to show their kindness. Hijikata glanced at Tomohiro, who was sitting next to him, but the old man stared straight forward, serious look on his face, and wasn’t paying any attention to the people running beside them.

A little girl, dressed in a light green dress with flower pattern, who had watched the passing wagons with her mother, suddenly left her mother’s side and run towards the wagons. She moved agilely like a young rabbit, avoiding puddles and pointy rocks sticking from the ground, and was getting really close to the wagons now. Her mother screamed after her, telling the young girl to stop, but she wouldn’t do so. The girl was so small that she could easily get stamped by other people running after the wagons, or the soldiers could push her to the ground.

Two older men who were running beside the wagons stopped running, catching their breath, and in the same moment the little girl filled the empty spot left by these two men. She was right next to Hijikata and was reaching her hand towards him. A soldier who spotted her was ready to push her away when Hijikata yelled him to stop:

“Don’t! It’s all right”, he said to the soldier, and gave the girl the warmest and most natural smile he could give. The little girl handed Hijikata five beautiful flowers, tied in a red ribbon.

“Thank you”, he said, and the little girl smiled widely at him, her little white teeth showing. She eventually stopped running beside the wagon and stayed behind with the other villagers, happily waiving.

Hijikata carefully smelled the flowers handed to him. The smell reminded him of mint with a mix of strawberry. Hijikata wasn’t a fan of sweet scents, but this one wasn’t so bad, actually it was quite nice. He noticed that Tomohiro was looking at him curiously, and Hijikata felt slight blush on his cheeks.

“T-they are nice”, Hijikata said quietly, avoiding Tomohiro’s gaze.

While Hijikata was receiving flowers from little girls, Gintoki was receiving something totally different on the second wagon. He too had two guards running beside him, but they weren’t as devoted to their job as the ones who were running beside prince’s wagon.  
There were a lot of children following his wagon, and they were asking Gintoki a bunch of questions and giving him questionable “presents”.

“Why’s your hair so wavy?” asked a little girl with braces on her teeth.

“I was born with it”, Gintoki said lazily, trying to sit comfortably on his ride. Unlike Hijikata’s wagon, he didn’t have so many pillows and his rear was starting to hurt.

“Were you born in an explosion?” a boy with lots of freckles on his face asked, carrying a white teddy bear with him.

“What?” Gintoki asked, not understanding what the boy was saying.

“You know”, another boy with a wooden sword in his hand continued,

“In cartoons people always get curly hair when they get into an explosion, and you just said that you were born with it, so that means there was an explosion when you were born.”

“There are other ways to get curly hair than just being in an explosion!”, Gintoki exclaimed.

“It’s called genes”, he said, trying to shape the pillow he was sitting on for better comfortability.

“So your parents were in an explosion?”, the girl with braces figured.

“No! No one was in an explosion!” Gintoki shouted, getting really tired of these curious children.

“So if you weren’t blown up and your parents weren’t blown up then are you related to a poodle?” the boy with freckles asked, eyeing Gintoki as if trying to find a tail sticking out from him.

“Huh?” was all Gintoki could say.

“Yeah! Poodles have wavy hair”, the girl got excited.

“And they usually have a short temper like this one”, the boy with a sword said.

“So he must be the prince’s guard dog!” the boy with freckles came to a conclusion.

“What the hell!?” Gintoki yelled, “Have you even seen a dog before? Do I look like a dog? Go check that other wagon, there’s a real government dog!”

But the children weren’t listening Gintoki anymore. They started to get tired from the running, and little by little they started to leave behind. The boy with a wooden sword threw Gintoki a branch from the nearby tree.

“Here. I know it’s not a bone, but I’ve heard that dogs like to chew these, too”, he said, and ran away with his friends.

“Hoi! Don’t mess with me! Come back here and I’ll show you what this branch really is for!” Gintoki yelled, but the kids were long gone.

“Aahh! I would give 300 yen for a parfait right now”, Gintoki sighed, cutting the branch into a small pieces in his hands.  
The soldiers running beside him were trying their best to hide their smiles and snickers, but it didn’t go unnoticed by Gintoki.

“Hey, wipe those smiles from your faces, guys, or I will show you how this dog bites”, he said with threatening voice.

The ride suddenly stopped, and Gintoki noticed that they had arrived to their destination when a big palace was standing in front of them. They were in Mayottingham’s palace.

 

As they stepped out from their wagons, a figure dressed in a violet suit and a big crown on his head was approaching them.

“Welcome! Welcome to Mayottingham, Mayora the 13th.” The king of the Mayottingham greeted happily with a low voice, a long line of guards following him. His dark waxed mustaches were almost shining in the sunlight.

“My name is Katashi the first, and I’m the ruler of Mayottingham. I hope your journey went well?” the king asked, and eagerly shook hands with puzzled Hijikata.

“Yeah sure, it went all right”, Hijikata said, trying to pull his hand from the king’s grip because this handshake was starting to be too long for his liking.

“Good, good”, the king smiled and finally let go of Hijikata.

“I would punish my staff if they had disappointed you”, the king said with a serious face.  
Hijikata was stunned by those words.

“As if!” the king laughed, hitting Hijikata gently on the shoulder.

“I would never do such a thing. You should have seen your face!” the king laughed, and Hijikata tried to do the same, but failed miserably.

“Humor is important in this kind of work”, the king said after he had calmed down.

“If the king is happy, the people are happy too, don’t you agree?” he asked Hijikata.

“Sure”, Hijikata said, not really following the king’s reasoning.

“Oh, and who might you be?” the king asked after noticing Gintoki standing beside Hijikata.

“I was under the impression that the prince was traveling alone”, he continued, pointing his words clearly to his adviser Tomohiro.

“Ah, your highness”, Hijikata answered instead, “He is, umm..he.., well actually we are..”

Hijikata was struggling with words but was trying his best to tell the truth about not being a prince, because clearly this thing had gone too far already. If they just told the truth now, they might be able to go home without any bigger troubles. But then Gintoki decided to open his mouth:

"Greetings your highness, my name is Sakata Gintoki and I’m the loyal servant of Mayora the 13th”, he said, and bowed deeply.

“Eeehh!” Hijikata exclaimed. This perm-head had wanted to go home from the very beginning so why is he acting like a servant now?

“Hoi, what do you think you are doing?”, Hijikata asked angrily but so quietly that only Gintoki could hear him.

“What? I’m just playing along your stupid royalty game”, Gintoki said with his dead fish eyes.

“But I’m trying to stop this game!” Hijikata snapped.

“Hijikata-kun, you are a big boy, surely you now that if you start a new game, you can’t quit it immediately when you are in danger to lose.”

“This is not about losing or winning! This is not a game. This is about pretending to be someone you are not!” Hijikata said, cold sweat running down his face. He glanced at the king, who was watching them with a confused look.

“So, as I said”, Gintoki carried on, “Sakata Gintoki at your service.”  
The king was silent for a moment, as if considering what Gintoki had just said. After a long painful silence the king finally spread his arms and hugged Gintoki with all his strength.

“Of course! I wouldn’t expect anything else from a prince like you, Mayora the 13th. Such a well speaking and behaving young man you have in your service. You are warmly welcomed as well”, he said to Gintoki.

“It’s an honor to be here”, Gintoki bowed again.

“Hohoho, you are truly amazing”, the king laughed, while Hijikata and Tomohiro exchanged looks in disbelief. Well-behaving, well-speaking and Gintoki in the same sentence? Completely unheard off.

“Come!” the king waved to Hijikata and Gintoki. “We have a lot to talk about, and we can do it while eating to our heart’s content”, he said happily and lead them inside the palace.

The king walked with Hijikata while Gintoki stayed a little behind. Tomohiro gave Gintoki a meaningful look before he passed him.  
No. Gintoki hadn’t lost his mind when he said what he said just now. He still wanted to go home as soon as possible, but it had to wait for a while now.

 

_Back in the spaceship_

 

_“So now we have answered all of your questions,” Tomohiro said._

_“And now I would like to ask questions from you”, he said in a serious voice and was staring Gintoki so intensely that Gintoki thought the old man was staring right through his soul._

_“What’s your name and why were you fighting with prince Mayora the 13th?” Tomahiro asked and his facial expression stayed death serious._

_“Mayora the 13th? You mean Hijikata-kun?” Gintoki asked._

_”Look, I have no idea what you are talking about”, he continued,_

_“My name is Sakata Gintoki, and the man you are calling a prince is Hijikata Toshirou, Demonic Vice-Chief of the Shinsengumi."_

_“And why were you fighting with the prince?” Tomohiro asked, completely ignoring “prince’s” just revealed identity._

_“We fight all the time. Just seeing each other’s face make us fight”, Gintoki said like it was the most common reason to fight with someone._

_“This time that bastard had the nerve to accuse me of stealing his mayonnaise after he had destroyed my parfaits and-“_

_“And how would you describe your relationship with the prince?” Tomohiro asked, interrupting Gintoki’s rant._

_“Our relationship?” Gintoki repeated puzzled._

_“I don’t know if you can even call it a relationship. It’s more like a rivalry than anything else. I’ve helped him out and his precious Shinsengumi more than once and sure, we fight pretty well together when we have to, but-"_

_“I suggest that you make up a better role as who you are to the prince”, Tomohiro interrupted again to Gintoki’s annoyance._

_“Don’t ask questions if you are not ready to listen to the answers to the end, damnit!”_

_“And why should I pretend to be someone I’m not? Didn’t you mother tell you that you should always be who you…”_  
_Before Gintoki could finish his sentence, ten spears were pointed at his neck, ready to slice it open._

_“Sure, you can be yourself”, Tomohiro said, “But then I’m afraid your trip will end here”, he said with a threatening voice._

 

 

So Gintoki didn’t have any other choice than join the “prince play” and wait for another opportunity to leave this planet alive. If he had his sword, the opportunity would come sooner. Where was his sword anyway?

 

They walked down the palace’s hallway, and Hijikata felt like he was walking on the mirror. The floor was so shiny he could see his own reflection.

“This palace was built by my family many years ago”, the king said to Hijikata.

“Its decoration of course changes according to its ruler”, the king explained, and showed his expensive art collections hanging from the wall. What Hijikata noticed was how much there were portraits of the king himself. A modest person, clearly.

“And here we are: my favorite room in the whole palace”, the king declared, and two guards opened the doors, revealing a big dining room.

There were a lot of people already seated, and when they saw the king and Hijikata, they all stood up immediately and greeted them with respectful bows.  
“Hail to the King, Katashi the first! Hail to the prince Mayora the 13th!” they shouted.

“Thank you, thank you, you may be seated”, the king said, and gestured the guests to sit down.

“This way”, he said to Hijikata and Gintoki, and they followed the king to the long table that was placed in front of the other tables.

“Prince, you can sit here”, he said to Hijikata, pointing the seat on the right next to the king’s seat.

“And Sakata-san can sit over there”, he said, and pointed the seat at the very end of the table. “There are sitting the advisers of the other kingdoms. They are merry people, I’m sure you will have fun. You can also learn something from them or the other way around”, the king laughed with his deep voice.

“Yay, can’t wait for that”, Gintoki grinned forcedly and went on his seat, Tomohiro following him.

When everyone was seated, the king clapped his hands three times, and the food started to come out of the kitchen, carried by servants dressed in black tuxedos.

As a starter they had creamy fish soup, topped with mayonnaise of course.  
Again, only the sight of mayonnaise was enough to make Hijikata feel less tense and forget his false identity for a while. The king watched Hijikata proudly when he ate the soup with such passion.

The second course was grilled lamb chops with roasted potatoes, and again, filled with mayonnaise so over the top that you couldn’t even figure what the dish was until the servant told you.  
As the dessert, they enjoyed mocha cake and coffee, topped with... well you know what.

“Gochisosma deshita”, (thank you, when finishing eating) Hijikata said, wondering when was the last time he had eaten that much.

“You are most welcome”, the king said, wiping his mouth with a napkin, “It’s always nice to see a young man with a real appetite.”

Then a silence fell between them. The king just smiled and watched the people in the room having a good time.  
Hijikata stared at the ceiling, then at the floor, then at the walls, and finally back at the ceiling again. He didn’t know where he should look at. He avoided looking at the guests because every time he even glanced at them, they looked like they were talking about him, with pointing fingers and long stares. And Hijikata didn’t like it one bit. He cleared his voice, catching the king’s attention.

“So, is there a queen ruling beside you?” Hijikata asked.

The king let out a deep sigh.

“No, unfortunately my dear wife passed away three years ago”, he said with a sad smile.

 _Way to go, Toshirou,_ Hijikata scolded himself in his mind. _Talking about dead people is always a good subject_ , he thought sarcastically.

“She was killed by the mayo lizard”, the king said.

“Nasty creatures”, he continued after seeing Hijikata’s confused look.

“They are really venomous, one bite, and it’s over”, he said, a hint of anger in his voice.

“But I have a daughter”, the king said now more joyfully.

“She’s 23 years old. A real beauty, and the most precious thing to me in the whole world. I apologize that she’s not present here. She was so excited when she heard that you are coming and insisted that she could go to the meadow to pick up some flowers for you. She is with guards, and I think she will be back in any minute”, the king said.

 

On the adviser’s end of the table, Gintoki was desperately trying to find anything to block his ears with. The advisers were quite old already, and all they talked about was how long and loyally they had served royal families and that Gintoki still had a long way to become as good as they were.

Gintoki’s stomach rumbled. He hadn’t eaten anything since every food was topped with mayonnaise. He called out a nearby servant:

“Hoi, is there anything on the menu that doesn’t include mayonnaise? Chocolate parfait? Do you have chocolate parfaits?” Gintoki asked.

“Yes, we have, mayo”, the servant said.

“Excellent! Bring one of those here then, chop, chop!” Gintoki said happily.

“Oh, and by to way”, he added, “make sure it has no mayonnaise topping on it, got it?”

“Certainly, mayo”, the servant said, and disappeared in the kitchen.

Here we go. Now things started to look a little brighter. After he had eaten the parfait, he surely would have more energy to plan his escape.  
Gintoki looked at his left and saw Tomohiro being gloomy, every now and then glancing over Hijikata.

“What’s with the gloomy face”, Gintoki asked. “I did as you told me. I’m participating in this foolish play. If I had my sword we would be playing a little different play. Where have you hidden it anyway?”

“It’s in a safe place”, Tomohiro replied. “Guests are not allowed to have weapons inside the palace”, he said, and took a sip from his coffee.

“Well I’m not an ordinary guest, now am I? I’m in his highness’ service”, Gintoki argued, and pointed at Hijikata who was clearly pretending to laugh at some joke the king had just told him.

“You are still a guest”, Tomohiro said lazily, his eyes staring at nothingness.

“You are still a guest”, Gintoki mimicked.

Finally, his parfait was brought in front of him, and Gintoki couldn’t stop himself from drooling.  
“Now old man, you are about to see a miracle. This parfait disappearing in 10 second”, he said and took a big spoonful of his parfait.

Gintoki expected to feel a sweet taste taking over his mouth but was more than disappointed when all he could taste was sourness and bitterness. The taste of mayonnaise.

“Hey, what’s the meaning of this?” Gintoki asked in rage while spitting the spoiled parfait out of his mouth.

“I clearly said: no mayonnaise, and that’s the only thing I can taste here”, he said, the spoon slowly bending in his grip.

“Y-you a-asked a p-parfait without mayonnaise t-topping, so we mixed it in, mayo”, the poor servant stuttered, slowly backing away from Gintoki.

Touché.

Gintoki wasn’t sure anymore if he should laugh or cry. He should probably do both. He waved his hand as a signal to the servant to dismiss himself, and he obeyed gladly. Gintoki glanced at Tomohiro. The old man had a slight smile on his face.

“Where did the gloomy face disappear? Was that fun? Seeing poor Gin-san suffering from this planet’s terrible food preference?” he asked, not really mad, just curious.

“I’m above such an entertainment, being amused by other person’s misfortune”, Tomohiro said proudly, avoiding Gintoki’s gaze.

“Ooh, really?” Gintoki exclaimed amused. “No, I’m pretty sure that there’s a little sadistic part living in you as well, old man”, Gintoki said, poking his parfait with a spoon so hard it was splattering all over the table.

“So, what’s so interesting about my employer?” Gintoki asked, seeing that Tomohiro’s gaze was once again wandering to Hijikata.

“Wanna switch?” he asked, “But I got to warn you, he can be sometimes a real pain in the royal serving ass”, Gintoki said, and his whole parfait was now splattered on the table.

“Is he always so kind to the people?” Tomohiro asked, watching Hijikata politely greeting an old lady who had come to greet him.

“He can be anything to anyone, as long as he has got his mayonnaise and nicotine level high enough”, Gintoki said.

“But have I told you when one morning I was just taking my trashes out, and the next thing I knew this crazy cop had me in handcuffs and-"  
Before Gintoki could finish his story, a soldier rushed in the room and yelled:

“Your highness, mayo! It’s an emergency, mayo! The p-princess... The princess is in danger, mayo! It’s the mayo lizard, mayo!"  
The whole room started to panic, and the king started to gather his soldiers for a rescue group.

“Mayora the 13th!” the king called out. “I will come with you to the place where the beast can be found but you must be the one to slay it”, he demanded.

“What?” Hijikata asked. Sure, he would help the king to save the princess but why would he need to be the one to kill it? He hadn’t even seen a mayo lizard in his life.

“I’m too old for fighting, and my soldiers can’t do it alone, so you have to do it. I know you can do it”, the king assured while grabbing Hijikata by his shoulders, shaking him lightly.

 

“Well now this play starts to get interesting”, Gintoki mumbled to himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!  
> See you in the next chapter!


	4. Solving problems is like cutting heads from a hydra: When you get rid of one, a new one is already popping up.

“This way my lord, mayo!” soldier said, leading king and Hijikata and the rest through a foggy forest. They used an old abandoned railroad as a path to get through the forest with their horses.

Hijikata could feel the heavy and tense atmosphere surrounding them. They had travelled quite a long way already, and pushed their horses to their limits, trying to get to the princess before it would be too late. The king was especially tense, snapping constantly to his men:

“You fools!” What were you doing in the swamp? You know that the lizards like to spend time there eating cloudberries!”

“We are sorry, my lord, mayo. We had planned to go to the meadow nearby the palace first, but then one of our men started to talk about cloudberries, and how he hoped he could get home soon cause his wife had made him a cloudberry pie, mayo”, the soldier explained.

“Of course the princess heard this and got excited, saying that she should make a cloudberry pie for the prince, mayo. And with all due respect my lord, when the princess has set her mind on something, there’s no stopping her, mayo”, he finished, and was rewarded with a hit on the head by the king.

“So she could do a cloudberry pie for me?” Hijikata thought to himself and swallowed nervously. Why did it feel like it was his fault that the princess was in danger? He still didn’t understand why he had to be “the hero who’s going to save the kingdom’s jewel”, like king had put it. Or wait.

Maybe this wasn’t “a chance to show his excellent swordplay skills” like king had also mentioned. Maybe he had screwed up at some point, not acting like a real prince or something, and now the king was going to execute him by putting him against a mayo lizard. A lizard that could kill with only one small bite. And while he would fight with the lizard, the others would save the princess, leaving him to his death. Right, two birds with one stone.

While trying to figure out the real purpose of this rescue mission, Hijikata heard behind him the Yorozuya blabbering nonsense again.

“What’s the big deal with this mayo lizard? Does it eat mayonnaise and then it gets super strengths like Popeye the Sailor Man when eating spinach? And then it goes around bullying mayo people and they must get a prince to defeat it. And the prince’s poor servant has to travel along and endure the pain of not getting any sugar in this sugar forsaken planet!” Gintoki complained, clearly his low sugar levels starting to affect him.

So, correction to Hijikata’s deliberations.

This wasn’t his “chance to show his excellent swordplay skills”. The Yorozuya had definitely screwed up in some point, or in every point. And now the king was going to execute Hijikata by putting him against the mayo lizard, simply because he just had bad luck having such a failure as his “servant”. Yeah, that sounded more believable.

 

The fog surrounding them was so thick that Hijikata could hardly see anyone else beside his own horse, and the air in the swamp was heavy and moist. How on earth were they supposed to find the princess in this kind of environment? Did the soldier even know where he was leading them, or was he just pretending to know the way so that he wouldn’t suffer from the king’s rage?  
Suddenly the land under their feet started to shake, making the trees sway. And then they heard a loud scream.

“Natsuki!” the king yelled, and rode towards the scream, everyone else following right behind him. They didn’t have to ride far, when they finally found what they had been looking for. The cigarette what Hijikata had been smoking fell out from his mouth when he saw the beast he was supposed to slay:

The dark green mayo lizard looked like a common lizard, but it was the size of a school bus, and it had three sharp spikes pointing out from its tale. It was standing in the middle of the swamp looking furious, and only few feet away was the princess, drowning in the swamp while few guards tried to pull her out of it. Only her upper body was showing anymore, and the lizard was getting closer and closer to her.

“Daddy!” the princess screamed terrified, trying to get herself out of the swamp, but she was too deep in it. The lizard roared fiercely but stopped moving when soldiers confronted it with their burning torches.

“Now is your chance, Mayora the 13th!” the king said to Hijikata.

“The mayo lizards fear fire, so while my soldiers are standing in front of my daughter with their torches you can attack that beast”, he said and pushed Hijikata forward.

“Huh?! Can you see the size of that beast? How am I supposed to kill it alone? Besides, I will get stuck in this damn swamp before I can even reach that thing!” Hijikata yelled. Talking politely wasn’t his top priority right now.

“Here! You can use these”, Tomohiro said, as he and a few soldiers brought wooden boxes with them.

“Someone will throw these to the swamp one by one, and they will form a path for you to use to get to the beast”, he explained.

“Hey old geezer, where did you get these boxes?” Gintoki asked, kicking one of the boxes around, accidentally hitting one of the soldiers who held the horses, making him fall.

“From a nearby village”, Tomohiro said calmly, without looking at Gintoki, and kicked one of the boxes as well, this time towards Gintoki, but the samurai successfully avoided it.

“Oh, you are quite fast for such an old mayonnaise”, Gintoki said, and kicked another box towards Tomohiro, but the old man stopped the box with his foot like it was a football and send it back towards Gintoki with a powerful kick.

“Young adults these days are watching too much television and eating trash food. Even old people like me can easily beat them in any exercise. “

“Sure, if by exercise you mean -who can talk longest about the old times- or ‘who can walk slowest with a rollator?’” Gintoki said mockingly and kicked the box so hard that pieces were separating from it.

“Those would be the contests then, but if you are up to it, I will gladly beat you in them”, Tomohiro answered and send the box back to Gintoki again.

“You will try” Gintoki said, and the box was moving between them faster and faster.

“Ooii!! What are you two idiots doing, kicking the box like it’s a football and making up ridiculous contests! Weren’t we supposed to save the princess? And Tomohiro is acting way out of character right now!” Hijikata ranted, but his words went to deaf ears.

“And by the way”, he turned to the king, “Should I kill that lizard with my bare hands, because I don’t have a sword with me”, he said, and wondered why he hadn’t missed his sword before this.

“Oh, that’s right, we forgot it”, the king slapped himself on his temple, “But you can use a spear”, he said and one of the soldiers gave Hijikata his own spear.

“Now hurry!” the king rushed him. The soldiers were still standing in front of the lizard with their torches, but those torches wouldn’t last long, and the princess was still stuck in the swamp.

“Sink or swim”, Hijikata thought and marched towards the lizard that seemed to get angrier when it saw Hijikata approaching it with a spear, but was still standing where it was, waiving its tail furiously. Guess it really did fear fire.

“Hoi Yorozuya, start throwing those boxes so I can cross the swamp”, Hijikata ordered.

“All right”, Gintoki said, and interrupted his game with Tomohiro and kicked the first box much farther than Hijikata had wanted.

“Where do you think you are aiming, idiot! That’s way too far for me to jump on it!” Hijikata yelled.

“Oops, sorry, my bad. Let’s try again”, Gintoki said lazily and kicked another box closer, though this time it went way too much to the right.

“You are really useless, you know that”, Hijikata said, trying to keep his calm.

“What? Even Diego Maradona would be proud of these shots”, Gintoki said and started to kick the boxes with extra speed, while the aim was getting worse and worse.

“Wait! Wait you idiot!” Hijikata yelled while the boxes were landing on the swamp.

Miraculously some of the boxes landed near the lizard, creating a path to it like the plan was. Hijikata needed just one more box, and then he would be near enough the lizard. How would he proceed from there was still a question.

“Okay, just one more box, and the path is ready. Make your best shot Yorozuya.”

“Umm… Hijikata-kun…we have zero boxes left”, Gintoki said, scratching his head.

And that was the moment, when Hijikata was ready to kill him, bury him, dig him up and kill him again. But there was still a little voice of reason in the middle of his rage, and so Hijikata chose the second-best option.

“Oh no, there’s one empty box right HERE!” he yelled, and threw Gintoki into the swamp, making him replace the missing step. Finally, when the path was ready, Hijikata started to run towards the lizard and it opened its large mouth, letting out a terrible roar.

The lizard waved its tail and tried to hit Hijikata with it, but Hijikata avoided it with one high jump, and when he was above the lizard’s head, he turned his spare towards it, and landed right between its eyes, killing it instantly.  
The lizard crashed on the ground, and Hijikata slid off from it. Pulling the spare out of the lizard, Hijikata looked into those big yellow eyes that were now staring to emptiness.

“Not really a fair fight, was it” he said quietly. Now that he could see the beast closer, he noticed that it was missing one toe from its palm. He tried to close the lizard’s eyes but he was suddenly pulled back from his shoulder.

“Well done, Mayora the 13th! You killed it with one strike. No one could have done it any better!” the king congratulated, patting Hijikata on the back.

“Did you see the fear in it’s eyes?” Wonderful, wonderful”, the king smiled, and walked with Hijikata towards the princess who had been finally pulled out from the swamp.

The king’s wife had been killed by the mayo lizard, so his joy for the successful kill was probably justified, but it still left Hijikata a sinking feeling in his heart. Hadn’t there been any other way to save the princess?

“Natsuki, thank god you are safe!” the king hugged his daughter tightly. Then he turned around to face Hijikata.

“Mayora the 13th, meet my beloved daughter, Natsuki. Natsuki, meet the prince who saved you, Mayora the 13th”, the king introduced the prince and the princess to each other. They both bowed to each other politely.

The princess was quite pretty, Hijikata had to admit that. She had blue eyes like everyone else in this planet, but they were much bigger and you could see a great empathy in them. She was dressed in scarlet red dress which was now covered in dirt from the swamp. She had dark-brown hair, but only her bangs could be seen, because 90 % of her, just like everyone else, was a mayonnaise bottle.

“I will be forever grateful to you, my lord”, the princess said shyly and bowed once more.

“Oh, it was nothing real-“

“The prince is happy that you are safe, Natsuki”, the king butted in.

“When we heard that you were in danger, the prince immediately told the guards to saddle his horse so that he could save you”, he said and pushed Hijikata closer to Natsuki.

“He was so eager to rescue you that he even forgot his sword!”, the king continued happily.

“Really?” Natsuki got excited, wide smile forming on her lips.

“No, that was all you-“

“He said he wouldn’t rest until you would be safe in his arms”, the king said just as excitedly as his daughter.

“Ooh, how brave! But look at me, handsome prince came to rescue me, and here I am all covered in mud”, the princess said blushing and tried to wipe the dirt from her dress.

“The prince thinks you look gorgeous”, the king said and pushed Hijikata’s head from the behind making it nod.

“Now hold on just a second-“

“Thank you, prince. You know exactly what the girl wants to hear”, Natsuki said joyfully and got little closer to Hijikata.

“Well, it was more your father who-“

“The prince would be honored if you could sit next to him at dinner”, the king said and guided Hijikata’s hands to take a hold of Natsuki’s soft hands.

"It would be my pleasure!”, Natsuki said excitedly.

Hijikata felt like he was in the middle of a school girls’ Barbie game. The way the king spoke on his behalf and monitored his movements made him feel like he was a Ken doll meeting a princess Barbie.

“Then let us leave this horrible place and go back to the palace. Prince Ke- umm… Mayora the 13th will ride with you”, king said quickly.

 _You were about to say prince Ken just now, weren’t you?! You were playing a Barbie game with your daughter, weren’t you?!_ Hijikata thought angrily.

After everyone started to leave the swamp, Gintoki was getting up from the swamp by himself.  
“Thanks for helping, would have been hard to get out of there all by myself”, he said sarcastically.

“Rotten prince leaving his loyal servant behind. He got some nerve- huh?”  
As Gintoki got up from the swamp, he noticed the dead lizard.

“Right in the middle of its eyes. Not bad from a mayo head”, Gintoki thought as he examined the dead lizard.

“Sakata-san!” The king called out, sitting on his horse.

“Come. Better to leave that creature alone. Its blood is poisonous as well, so I wouldn’t touch it if I was you”, he said seriously.

“Let’s go! We will have a feast”, he said and ride off.

“Yeah. It’s always fun to watch when others eat”, Gintoki said tiredly, knowing that there would not be anything for him to eat.

 

After they had returned to the palace, the servants showed Gintoki to his quest room. He immediately landed on his bed exhausted. The lack of sugar was really getting to him. He was probably going to pass out soon. Then there was a knock on the door.

“Go away”, Gintoki said irritated, not wanting to see any mayo bottle right now.

The door opened, and Hijikata walked in, carrying something what Gintoki thought he would never see the Vice-Chief carrying. A chocolate parfait.  
Hijikata walked up to Gintoki with a blanc expression and handed the parfait to him.

“Here. I asked the kitchen to prepare these at least 10 for you”, he said.  
Gintoki eyed the parfait suspiciously, as if trying to detect any sight of mayonnaise in it.

“There’s no need for that, it’s mayonnaise-free”, Hijikata reassured.

Still doubting the mixture of his favorite dessert, Gintoki tasted the parfait carefully. Soon he realized that this parfait tasted like it was supposed to taste. Sweet, not even a scent of mayonnaise in it. Hungrily Gintoki attacked his delicious parfait, every now and then letting out a small sigh of joy.

“Slow down, you have 10 more left to stuff to your face”, Hijikata said as he watched the silver-haired samurai eating the parfaits so eagerly that the glassy bowl was starting to crack on his hands.

“Who would have thought”, Gintoki said between his bites, “Even the demonic Vice-Chief has a sweet spot in his heart”, he chuckled, not missing a single drop of his dessert.

“Tsk. Don’t get any wrong ideas. I just got tired of seeing your saggy face”, Hijikata replied, avoiding Gintoki’s gaze.

“Yeah, now you have to be saggy-faced all on your own”, Gintoki said and licked the bowl until it shined like it was just washed.

“I don’t have a saggy face!” Hijikata exclaimed.  
Yes, the sorry face of Yorozuya was gone, but his talent to annoy Hijikata was still there. If anything, it was probably going to get worse, thanks to the sugar level upgrade.

In all honesty, Hijikata could empathize the fellow addict. It’s not easy being separated from something what you usually eat many times a day. To the perm head, this planet was probably like a living nightmare, while Hijikata felt like he was in a paradise. Kind of.  
It got Hijikata thinking again. Lot of things had happened already but he still hadn’t a slightest clue why he was here with Yorozuya.

“I think we should get to the bottom of this show”, he said to Gintoki after he had finished his parfait.  
Gintoki didn’t say anything, just stared at him with his dead eyes, so Hijikata continued.

“I mean why they call me Mayora the 13th and how long are we supposed to be here and-“

“After I finish my hide-and-seek game with my sword I’m ready to go”, Gintoki said and looked around the room as if excepting to find his sword from there.

“But don’t you want to get some answers first? Like why did they kidnap us?”

“Well actually I’m pretty sure they only wanted you and I just happened to be the unfortunate bystander“, Gintoki replied and took a peek under the bed.

“Hmm... not here either”

“So that’s it? You just want to go home and continue your life without ever knowing why this all happened?” Hijikata asked in disbelief.

“Yeah, and I don’t think that’s a bad thing. Or do you want to stay here, is that it? I mean sure, this place is like a dream come true for a mayonnaise lover like you but won’t the Shinsengumi start to slack off without you ordering them to commit seppuku 24/7?” Gintoki asked, turning his gaze to Hijikata.

“Of course I want to go home, eventually”, Hijikata said, “I just need the answers first”

Hijikata stared at Gintoki with his steel blue eyes, and Gintoki saw him clearly holding back the word “please”  
The inner sadist in him was waking up again, but Gintoki deiced to put it in hold for now. Let Hijikata ask his questions like a conscientious student and he would look for his sword in the meantime.

“Fine, ask what you want, but you own me 15 parfaits for this”, he said and marched towards the door.

“15? I already gave you one and ten more are waiting for you in the kitchen!”

“Yeah, but those aren’t really from you, they are from the hard-working kitchen staff. Besides there’s still left those 10 parfaits you own me on earth, so that means 25 altogether”, Gintoki said happily.

“Those on earth wouldn’t be really made by me either! And what do you mean 10? What I recall it was 4!”

“Yeah, but you were so annoying back then, so I changed my mind”

“Why you-“

Gintoki opened the door and behind it was a servant who had been ready to knock.

“The dinner is ready my lord, mayo. Everyone is waiting, mayo”, the servant said carefully. He probably had heard them arguing in the room.

“Thank you, my good mayo”, Gintoki said and went down the stairs, Hijikata following him.

 

The dining room was full of people again, and Hijikata and Gintoki went to their seats, Gintoki next to Tomohiro and Hijikata next to the princess like he had “promised”

The dinner from Hijikata’s part felt more awkward than the one before, mainly because he had decided to confront the king with his questions after the dinner. Also, the princess was constantly “accidently” touching Hijikata’s feet under the table and was watching him with dreamy eyes. He felt sweatier as the time went by.

 

After they had finished the food, Hijikata decided to take an action, and was about to catch king’s attention when king spoke:

“Ladies and gentlemen, could I have your attention for a moment”, everyone turned to look at him.

“As you know, it’s already been three years since my dear wife and Natsuki’s mother was taken away from us by a mayo lizard”, he said and everyone in the room mumbled in approval.

“And today, that tragedy could have been repeated again, when my beloved daughter was met by one of those disgusting creatures” he said a little of anger in his voice.

“But when it felt like all hope was lost, this man stepped in without a doubt, and bravely slayed the lizard in order to save Natsuki”, the king declared and gestured Hijikata to stand up.

“Three times hurrah to prince Mayora the 13th “, the king said loudly, and everyone shouted in union.  
Hijikata awkwardly bowed to the quests and was about to sat down when the king stopped him from doing so.

“And you all know what it means when a prince shows his bravery and saves a princess from danger”, he said and everyone in the room stood up with toast in their hands.  
Hijikata could only watch confused as the king put his hands together with the princess and lifted their hands so that everyone could see.

“May I present you the soon to be married couple, princess Natsuki and prince Mayora the 13th!”

“To princess Natsuki and prince Mayora the 13th!” everyone said in union and drank their toasts and after that they started to clap their hands in joy.

In complete shock, Hijikata stared at his hand that was still holding the princess’s hand. The princess waved happily to the quests and smiled widely to Hijikata, who was on the verge of fainting. He was really starting to dislike this dining room. Nothing good ever happened when they were there.

“Looks like it’s going to be a ticket for one back to earth after all”, Gintoki thought and was wondering when the shaking cop was going to fall on the floor. “Oh, there he goes.”

Everywhere he looked, Gintoki could see nothing but smiley faces, some were laughing from joy and some were even dancing. But then he saw a pair of eyes that weren’t as happy looking as the rest, but gloomy and calculating. The eyes of Tomohiro.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!  
> See you in the next chapter!


	5. When you think you know yourself, some people make you feel like you don’t know yourself at all.

“So, who all should we call to your bachelor party, hmm? Your Shinsengumi buddies obliviously, and I’m sure Shinpachi and Kagura would love to come too. But we should keep Kagura and Okita-kun apart from each other or their fighting will steal the spotlight from you. What about the food? Any ideas?”

“Bllurrgh!” was all that Gintoki could hear from his room’s bathroom.

“Monja? Ooh, that’s a great idea! Easy and fast to make, and it won’t run out! What about Gorilla and Jimmy? They have their own special diets after all.”

“Bllurggh!”

“Yeah, I agree, they can bring their own bananas and anpans. It’s the booze after all that we all are going enjoy the most, am I right?”

“Ugghh!”

“And finally, my favorite part, the entertainment! Should we sing karaoke, or do you want a stripper? Who should we call then? Oh wait, what am I thinking, Kondo can of course do that. Being naked is a second nature to him. Though first we have to teach him how to keep clothes on. Well, with a few bananas it should work out just fine. There, it’s done. How does this sound like to you, Hijikata-kun?” asked Gintoki, as he stretched his arms on a red armchair by the desk after writing a few messy lines on the paper.

“Would you shut up?” Hijikata snarled, walking out of the bathroom unsteadily, and landing straight to Gintoki’s bed. “I’m in hell”, he groaned to the pillow.

“Well, in the wedding ceremony you are going to promise to love each other in sickness and in hell, so good thing you are experiencing it in advance. No wait, it was in sickness and in health, right? Oh well.”

“This is not how I excepted things to go”, Hijikata complained, still talking to the pillow.

“Yeah, but it was quite lousy attempt to get answers. I mean is it always like that when you interrogate someone? You are about to ask questions and then you faint.”

“You would have, too, if someone announced out of blue that you are going to get married!” Hijikata exclaimed, lifting his head from the pillow.

And not only that. After he had fainted, the princess had attempted to give him mouth to mouth resuscitation in panic, but then an older lady guest had stepped in and declared that she knows how to do it properly. And when the old lady had given resuscitation, there had been so much tongue on Hijikata’s mouth that he had been nearly suffocated. And this “resuscitation” was the main reason for his current condition.

“True. If someone told me that I’m going to marry Ketsuno Ana I would probably pass out from happiness.”

“If you keep talking nonsense, you are going to pass out from a very different reason”, Hijikata threatened, shaking his fist weakly.

“The way you are like now, you wouldn’t be even able to kill a fly, let alone knock me out” Gintoki teased, and poked Hijikata on the head with his finger.

“Go away” Hijikata mumbled sleepily into the pillow, not bothering to push the poking finger away.

“I should be the one saying that! This is my room. You can sleep all you want but not in my bed, hoi!” But the exhausted Vice-Chief had already wandered to the dreamland.

“Seriously, you have a room twice as big as mine and you chose to stay here”, Gintoki complained and stared his taken bed and the person who had taken it.

“Well I’m not going to sleep on the floor, you can count on that”, he mumbled annoyed, took an extra blanket from a closet and pushed Hijikata aside so that he could fit on the bed as well.

Gintoki took a deep breath and stared at the ceiling. They had been on the planet only one day, but it felt like they had been there longer. He really wanted to go home already, but his search for his sword had failed. When everyone had been watching the resuscitation of the prince, Gintoki had tried to sneak off from the dining room but had been stopped by the guards. And when Gintoki had said that he was just going to get his wedding present for the happy couple, he had been quickly sent back to his seat.

Gintoki took another deep breath and turned his head to watch the sleeping Hijikata. Besides finding his sword, he should probably help the sleeping mayo prince as well. Apparently, he wasn’t so keen to get married to a mayo bottle, tough Gintoki had to wonder why. Wasn’t mayonnaise this guy’s greatest love?

The bed squeaked under him when Gintoki turned on to his side, facing now Hijikata properly. Yes, the home felt really far away right now, but even bickering with this cop made this strange planet feel a little like home. In fact, it gave him this oddly warm and safe feeling in his heart. Was he again being targeted by some mayo light?

Not seeing anyone else in the room besides himself and Hijikata, Gintoki decided to travel to the dreamland as well, hoping that tomorrow would bring better news to them.

 

The morning sunshine woke Hijikata up but he refused to open his eyes. If this had been a normal morning in the Shinsengumi barracks, he would have got up immediately either by his sense of duty or by Sougo’s assassination attempt. But now he just couldn’t bring himself to get up. The cruel reality had hit him the second he had woken up. Not that the dreamland had given him any comforting escapism, quite the contrary.

The dream he had seen was almost an exact replica of what had happened in the real life: him coming to the mayonnaise planet, eating mayonnaise, fighting with mayo lizard, saving mayo princess and engaging her. Nothing left out or added. Except that there had been raining chocolate parfaits every now and then for some odd reason.

He really had brought this upon himself, hadn’t he? Letting things go too far by not telling the truth and now he was paying for it. But it would end now. He would go to the king and without any interruptions he would tell him that he was Hijikata Toshirou, Vice-Chief of the Shinsengumi and he would demand an explanation to all this even if he had to squeeze every single drop of mayonnaise (or whatever they were made of) out from these people.

Hijikata determinedly slammed his arms on the bed as he sat up and immediately heard a loud yell from under the blanket.  
Startled Hijikata lifted the blanket, revealing the person he really wasn’t ready to deal with this early in the morning, and he quickly showed it by kicking the sleepy Yorozuya out of the bed.

“What the heck are you doing in the same bed with me?! No wonder I saw parfaits in my dream when you have been breathing on my neck all night!”

“You are one to talk! Thanks to you, instead of delicious parfaits, my dream was filled with mayonnaise! Is it not enough that you dream of it day and night, why do I have to share it as well?” Gintoki yelled back annoyed, getting up from the floor.

“Then why did you sleep in the same bed?”

“Because your highness fell asleep on MY bed, and I didn’t feel like sleeping on the floor like a dog!”

“Then you should have woken me up or gone to my room! Don’t tell me your empty head couldn’t come up with those options?”

That made Gintoki think. Why hadn’t he done either one? Back then sleeping in the same bed with Hijikata hadn’t felt like such a bad idea. Actually it had been quite nice, not having to sleep in a strange room alone without knowing when some crazy mayo bottle might attack with a Mayo memory blender! A memory of the last night made Gintoki feel light heat on his cheeks.

“Like I said, it’s my bed and I can sleep in it if I want to”, Gintoki replied awkwardly, not really content with his comeback.

Hijikata stared at Gintoki with a frown. He seemed to notice the lack of sharpness in Gintoki’s replies as well.

“What’s wrong with you? Are your sugar levels low again?” he asked and got up from the bed and started to take his clothes off and get ready for the shower. Thank god he had found a clean yukata from the room’s closet, because he had sweated yesterday so much from nervousness that his uniform had started to reek.

Seeing the sight before him, Gintoki felt suddenly awkward and couldn’t bring himself to look at Hijikata when he was taking his clothes off. And when he was about to take down his boxers, Gintoki quickly turned his back to Hijikata.

No, this is ridiculous, why should he even look at the cop? Just a normal man going to wash himself, nothing alerting in there. But… if there isn’t anything alerting, shouldn’t he be able to look then? They are both men after all, and if Hijikata voluntarily goes to the shower in his presence, doesn’t that mean that Hijikata is okay with that as well? Gintoki seeing him naked. Yosh!

Aaand Hijikata was gone. The voice of running water could be heard and hot steam was coming out from the bathroom. Oh well, maybe next time. Wait, what next time?!

 

They walked down from Gintoki’s room towards the dining room for a breakfast, and Hijikata had a determent look on his face, practically repeating in his head the words he was going to say: _I’m Hijikata Toshirou, not a prince. I’m Hijikata Toshirou, not a prince._

Gintoki, on the other hand, was trying to wrap his head around the fact that he had actually been disappointed that he hadn’t seen Hijikata naked.  
_I saw him once naked in the bath house, only a towel around his waist. It was nothing special, just a normal well-trained body. Why would I want to see him naked? He’s a guy after all! Why would I want to see him naked?_

Both samurais walked down the hallway lost in their thoughts, until they arrived to the dining room, where the king was already enjoying his breakfast with four guards standing in the room’s corners.

“Ah, good morning prince and Sakata-san! Come and join me, here’s plenty of food”, king waved to them.

Hijikata frowned and walked briskly towards the king, his rehearsed line getting louder and louder in his head: _I’m Hijikata Toshirou, not a prince. I’m Hijikata Toshirou, not a prince._

The king noticed Hijikata’s straightforward approaching, and he rose his eyebrows in confusion.

“My, my, Mayora the 13th, what’s the matter? Did you get up on the wrong side of the bed?"

“You could say that…” Hijikata murmured, his eyes nailed to the king’s eyes.

“Oh, is the bed not comfortable enough? I will immediately arrange a new bed for you”, the king assured and took a bite from his mayonnaise covered croissant.

“No, I’m sure the bed can wait, there’s a bigger problem I would like to get solved now”, Hijikata stated and slammed his hands on the table, making the king lift his gaze from his croissant to Hijikata.

“Yes?” king said, looking Hijikata curiously.

“I’mHijikataToshirounotaprince!”

“Come again?”, king said, his eyebrows rising higher in confusion.

Damn. Hijikata had waited so long to say those words, that when he finally could say it, they came as a one long word without any pauses. Hijikata had also feared that there would be some interruption cutting him out again, so he had figured that the quicker he got the words out of his mouth the better. But maybe not that quickly.

“I.am.Hijkata.Toushiro.not.a.prince”, he said exaggeratingly slowly this time, making sure that the king caught his words.  
But king didn’t say anything, just eyed Hijikata with a blank expression on his face.

“Umm… did you hear me? I said: I’m not this prince Mayora the 13th you keep calling me. I’m Hijikata Toshirou, the Vice-Chief of Earth’s police force Shinsengumi.”

There. He had said it three times now, and with every possible pace. If the king would still give him the silent treatment, he would write it down on the floor and on the walls and everywhere he could in order to get his message through.

“And what makes you think that?” king asked firmly but gently, leaning forward on his seat.

“What makes me think that?” Hijikata repeated, “Well, for starters, the fact that almost my whole life I’ve been called Hijikata Toshirou. And I’ve arrested people more than I can remember as a cop.” Hijikata answered, not really understanding where the king was getting at with his question.

"Look, I even have my ID if that convinces you”, Hijikata said and searched for his ID inside his jacket.

“Just a second, it should be right here”, he assured, taking his whole jacket off and shook it, excepting the ID to drop from it.

“Where the heck is it? I always carry it with me”, Hijikata marveled, after seeing that only his cigarette pack and lighter dropped to the floor. The king watched closely as Hijikata searched his ID but didn’t seem too amused.

“If this is some joke you are trying to present to me, prince, I’m afraid I’m not quite getting it, but thank you for your effort”, he said smiling gently and returned his focus on his croissant.

“No, no wait just a second! This isn’t some lousy theatre act I’m playing here”, Hijikata rushed to say, “I really am Hijikata Toshirou and that perm head there sure as hell isn’t my servant but one of the biggest work slackers this world has ever seen!” he pointed the nose picking perm head.

“Hey, what do you mean by that?” Gintoki butted in.

“It’s the bitter truth, deal with it”, Hijikata snarled.

“I see”, king nodded and wiped his mouth with a napkin as he got up from his chair and approached Hijikata.

“Well, it’s not my custom to question people’s identity, but I’m afraid that at some point on the way here you have hurt your head, my dear prince”, he told Hijikata concerned and made an attempt to touch Hijikata’s head gently, but Hijikata backed away a few steps, dodging king’s hand.

“What?”

“I will of course find out who has neglected his job back in the spaceship and allowed this misfortunate incident to happen”, king assured firmly, and was ready to take his leave.

“Hold it right there!” Hijikata yelled, making the king stop on his tracks.

This was just madness! How could this be so difficult? He had told the truth, but the king had just ignored all of it and came up with his own story without batting an eye. Word against word, huh?

“I don’t know what you have done to my ID, but it can’t be the only thing I can prove myself with”, Hijikata asked in disbelief.

“I see no reason why we would have taken your ID. If we had it, we would obviously show it to you and prove that you are unfortunately mistaken” king said calmly.

“Bullshit!”, Gintoki exclaimed, not buying the king’s excuse for a one bit.

“There runs some thief’s blood in your people’s veins. Quite easily you took our swords and we haven’t seen them since then”, he accused the king and his dead eyes followed sharply ruler’s facial expressions.

“I believe you have been informed that we do not allow our guests to have weapons inside the palace”, the king replied, still keeping his voice very calm and gentle.

“And I do not think that is the way for a servant to speak to the king”, he added and frowned a little at Gintoki who was glaring at him suspiciously.

“Well, what about this engagement that came out of nowhere? I suppose you have a good explanation for that as well?” Hijikata asked defiantly, clenching his fists from a growing anger.

“Naturally. The reason for it is an old and noble law that we have obeyed here for centuries”, king explained and took a small book from his suit’s pocket. “The laws and decrees of Planet Mayo” was written on its cover in golden letters.

“There are so many laws to remember so this little pocket version of the real lawbook is very catchy”, he smirked, but wasn’t getting any reactions from the two samurais. He riffled the book for a while until he found the right page and then showed it to Hijikata and Gintoki.

“As it says in here in § 3: If an unmarried noble i.e. a prince saves another unmarried noble i.e. princess from a life-threatening danger, they will get married unless they are related to each other and/or the marriage is not approved by the party’s families”, the king read out loud while Hijikata and Gintoki both stared at the page eyes wide.

“I admit I should have told you this before the engagement, but I guess I was just too excited and it slipped my mind”, king said bashfully.

“You think?!” Hijikata and Gintoki exclaimed in unison.

“Unbelievable. In what kind of fairytale land these people are living in?!” Hijikata thought and felt like he was losing his mind. He had thought that after coming clean about his identity and getting answers to his questions he would get a peace of mind but clearly ignorance had been a bliss!

“With what kind of logic does that law work?!” Hijikata barked.

“It’s really logic. For example, before I got married with my late wife, I had rescued him from a mouse when she had visited her family’s old cottage”, king told them.

“Was the mouse one of the Biker Mice from Mars?” Gintoki said mockingly.

“Oh no, it had been just a normal mouse, but it was in the same room with my wife, and she was scared to death of mice”, king smiled, a memory of his wife making his eyes water a little bit.

“That’s completely different case! She wasn’t in a life-threatening danger!” Ginoki objected.

“Oh it was life-threatening, I can assure you”, king corrected, “If I hadn’t rescued her, who knows how long she would had survived there, without any food or water and that terrible vermin patrolling around the house. And there hadn’t been anyone else nearby to save her”, king said, “It was a miracle that I happened to pass by.”

“And what about the “not approved by the party’s families” part? My parents died a long time ago, and I’m having a hard time to believe that they have given any blessing from behind the grave”, Hijikata glared at the king with his demon like eyes.

“Luckily the section continues”, king chuckled and showed the book again to Hijikata.

“If party’s parents have deceased or are in any other way unable to express their opinions considering the marriage, the party is allowed to decide about the marriage him/herself”, the king read out loud.

“Well that settles it”, Hijikata sighed in relief. “I’m not interested-“

“Ahem”, king cleared his throat and tapped the last line of the law.

“But this is only allowed if the party has a certification of parents deaths or any other certification to prove that the parents are unable to express their opinion of the marriage”, Hijikata read, his eyeballs almost popping out of his eye sockets from shock.

“Are you freaking KIDDING ME!!” Hijikata spluttered.

“Prove that my parents are dead? So, do you want me to dig up their graves and bring the corpses here?!”

“If that is the only way to prove it”, king said and put the book back to his pocket.

“Though I assume they are probably more than corpses already. Skeletons would be the correct term, don’t you think?” The king pointed out and wiped the saliva drops off from the corners of Hijikata’s mouth with a napkin.

“Though my daughter is fond of men with a short temper, I still don’t want them to look like a raving mad bulldog with the drool flying everywhere”, he reproached gently.

Hijikata’s followed the wiping hand with his eyes like a predator, ready to rip the arm off, but inside his head everything was in mess. No matter how he tried to talk himself out of this marriage, king just kept blocking all Hijikata’s protests with that never-ending smile and calm voice.

“Now then, has everyone got to speak up their minds?” king asked, “or is there still something you would like to ask? Soon I have to go to my office to take care of my duties so-“

“Good morning everyone!” a sing-song voice echoed in the dining room.

“Ah, good morning Natsuki, did you sleep well?” the king asked and hugged her daughter warmly.

“Umm... I’m not sure. I had so many thoughts in my mind last night that I had difficulties to fall asleep, though I can’t say those where unpleasant thoughts”, Natsuki said bashfully and glanced Hijikata quickly, her already blushed cheeks getting even a brighter shade of red.

“Well your timing couldn’t have been any better. The prince just now expressed his desire to go for a walk into the garden with a beautiful lady by his side”, king said happily, tapping Hijikata friendly on the shoulder.

“Daddy, please! Your making Mayora the 13th feel uncomfortable”, Natsuki giggled, though she was clearly pleased to hear the words.

Hijikata was more than uncomfortable and followed the daughter-father conversation like a ping-pong match. So they were back in the Hijikata Ken game, it seemed.

“S-shall we go?” Natsuki asked shyly, “I packed a picnic basket for us so we can enjoy breakfast outside”, she said and showed the basket in her hand.

Hijikata was going to say that he still had unfinished business with the king, but then he noticed the guards around the room. Was it just him, or had they come closer while they had this “friendly” chat. It was probably just his imagination, but the sudden quiet atmosphere made him feel unsure. It felt like everyone was watching him and waiting his answer tensely: the king, the princess and the guards. And then he sensed someone staring behind him, and it felt like it was burning a hole on Hijikata’s back of the head. He turned around and saw that the burning gaze belonged to the Yorozuya. Why the hell was he looking at Hijikata so intensely?!

“I guess I have no choice”, Hijikata muttered under his breath. He gave the king one last glance, as if saying “this is not over yet”, and left the dining room with the princess, who was clearly trying to gather enough courage to take a hold of Hijikata’s hand.

Gintoki kept staring as the “couple” walked towards the door, and he saw how Hijikata kept rubbing the back of his head, still feeling Gintoki’s burning gaze on him.  
“Yeah, you just go and have fun with your princess and let the king get off the hook”, Gintoki thought annoyed.

Sure, the king had had an upper hand in this argument, but together they could had defeated him. But no, his highness had to go for a walk to the garden and play flower fairy with the mayo fairy.

Gintoki decided to follow the couple. He would find a way to get Hijikata separated from the love-sick princess and then they would together continue to confront the king. So that they could question him. There weren’t any other reasons for his sudden urge to follow Hijikata, nothing at all.

“Sakata-san”, a voice stopped Gintoki just when he was ready to sprint after Hijikata and the princess.

“I think we should let the happy couple have their own time, don’t you think?” The king approached Gintoki and tapped him on the shoulder.

“As his servant, I’m sure there are some chores you can do for him, for example fetch his uniform from the laundry room or-“

“Or find a prove that his parents are dead”, Gintoki said coolly, refusing to face the king.

“Or that”, king sighed. “Anyway, feel free to wander around, just try not to break anything”, he joked, and went to his office.

“You have no idea how much I would love to break that fake smile on your face”, Gintoki muttered under his breath.

Not seeing any point in staying in the dining room alone, Gintoki decided to leave as well – after taking a couple of croissants with him (without mayonnaise). At once, the guards straightened their postures and they all watched Gintoki like a hawk when he was making his way out of the room.

“Look, a flying mayo lizard!” Gintoki shouted and pointed at the ceiling. The guards didn’t even blink their eyes, just stared at Gintoki stone-faced.

“Boy, you sure don’t let anyone fool you, now do you? Just take it easy fellows, I’m just going to the laundry room. I promise I won’t break anything, though I don’t understand why I’m even promising such a thing, here’s nothing valuable to break anywa- “

As Gintoki spread his arms carelessly in front of the doorway, his left arm happened to make a contact with a white china jar on the stand, and without any shaking it fell to the ground, shattering into small pieces.

The guard’s grips from their spears tightened, and slowly they started to walk towards Gintoki, their frown so strong that it made them look like they had only one long eyebrow.

“I’m going to look for the glue”, Gintoki laughed nervously, and disappeared from the doorway at the speed of light.

 

“…and then I spent two hours to decide what I should wear. After all, I didn’t want to disappoint you, so I tried all my dresses and after a long good consideration, I chose this blue one”, Natsuki said as she and Hijikata walked around the garden. It was a big garden. Hundreds of different flowers planted everywhere, and big bushes full of little birds singing joyfully. He could hear the slight voice of the running water from a nearby fountain.

“I-I hope I’m not boring you, Mayora the 13th?”, Natsuki asked worriedly, “We just hadn’t talk anything since we came here so…” Natsuki’s voice trailed away. She tried to look at Hijikata in the eyes, but he was making it really hard, keeping his eyes forward.

“We can go back inside if you want to”, Natsuki said quietly, her joyful mood now disappeared.

Hijikata glanced at the princess quickly when she wasn’t looking, and he felt a little bad for her.  
He was in quite a bad mood right now, thanks to the failed conversation with the king, but should he really make the princess feel the same as him? It wasn’t her fault that they were going to get married. She was just obeying the law like everyone else. Speaking of which…

“Umm, no, it’s alright. I’m sorry. I’ve just been lost in my thoughts”, Hijikata said awkwardly, forcing himself to make some kind of eye contact with the princess.

“Oh, I understand, there are a lot of new thing for you to get used to”, Natsuki admitted. “I know that things work little differently there where you come from”, she went on, her smile slowly returning.

“Yeah, about that…” Hijikata said gazing at the sky, praying that the daughter wasn’t as good at making up excuses as her father.

“Has your father told you where I came from?” he asked, his heart racing for the answer.

“Sure, he did! He said that you have come from a very distant planet, where you have you own kingdom, but its people are now extinct because you have no mayonnaise there”, Natsuki said happily, but calmed down after she realized what she had said. She was just so happy that the prince was finally talking to him.

“And when my father learned about your kingdom’s situation, he immediately set out a rescue party to fetch you here”, she said.

“I don’t have a kingdom!” Hijikata exclaimed, “The only correct thing about that story is that we currently have no mayonnaise in Edo!”

“Edo? No wonder you are easy on the eye then if even the kingdom is named so beautifully”, Natsuki giggled, embarrassed by her own comment.

“Look, princess, I’m not a prince. My name is Hijikata-“

“Father did say that you are suffering from a slight amnesia after the journey here. But I think you are just so shocked from what happened to your people that your brains try to protect you from the horrible memories by making you forget your identity. But don’t worry, I’m sure it will com back to you sooner or later”, Natsuki couraged smiling.

Hijikata closed his eyes in desperation. What had he been thinking? An apple hadn’t fallen far from the tree.

“It’s really sad that your kingdom has fallen”, Natsuki said dolefully. “It was so young after all.”

“Young? What do you mean young?”, Hijikata asked, though not really sure if he wanted to hear the answer.

“Well, when my father first mentioned this Edo, I thought he was just joking because I know all the mayo kingdoms’ names by heart. But he said that Edo had been built only a few years ago and your bloodline isn’t that old either”, Natsuki explained as they sat down on a bench near the rose bushes.

“More like the kingdom part has been built in a few minutes”, Hijikata muttered.

“And my bloodline isn’t old? Then how are you explaining the fact that I’m already a 13th of my name?!”

“I guess your family has been really busy with reproduction”, Natsuki said innocently. “We have had a really low birth rate in our planet for years now”, she mentioned, “Perhaps you could share some tips as how to revive it”, she smiled hopefully and got a little closer to Hijikata.

“I-I think we should go inside now”, Hijikata hurried to say, got up from the bench and headed inside. He hadn’t even thought that it would be possible, but the princess was clearly far worse than the king. The imagination of this girl was something unnatural.

“Oh, do you want to see my room?” Natsuki asked excitedly, “I can also show my dress collection and you can choose what I should wear tomorrow!” she said as she ran after the stiffly walking prince. How old was this princess again?!

 

Gintoki lied on his bed bored as he threw his boogers at the ceiling. “Good luck with cleaning that up”, he laughed dryly as he stared at his ceiling art. Though it was more than likely that he would end up being the one to clean it up. Strangely there hadn’t been any aftermath for the broken china. Maybe it hadn’t been so valuable after all. Or maybe the king hadn’t been informed about it yet.

After the incident Gintoki had ran to the laundry room and picked up Hijikata’s uniform, and then closed himself to his room. Gintoki glanced at the clock on the wall: already 9 p.m. What was holding up that guy? Ginoki’s guess was that Hijikata had probably fainted again from some petty thing and was now getting a mouth to mouth resuscitation from the princess. Or from some old lady.

He sighed frustrated. Had Hijikata forgotten what their mission was? Or had he already adapted the prince’s role and was ready to get married with no worries what so ever? Gintoki shook his head. No, that wasn’t like him. He probably still wanted to go home as much as Gintoki. But unlike him, Hijikata always kept some sort of manners in situations like this, even though he had every right to go all berserk. Gintoki, on the other hand, always said what came to his mind, not worrying about the consequences.

Gintoki snorted. But when it came to him, the Vice-Chief didn’t hold back his words and threw the manners out of the window. Gintoki smiled at that. He couldn’t think of many occasions where they had talked with each other without raising their voices. But it was fine, really. Despite their constant arguing, he knew that Hijikata was a good man: brave, intelligent, smoking hot…

“Wait, what?!” Gintoki startled. Where did that last one came from? Did he really think that Hijikata was… hot? No, no, no, he was thinking about Hijikata’s smoking. Yeah, and cigarette is hot when you smoke it so Gintoki just messed up with the words smoke and hot and it accidentally became smoking hot. Simple.  
Gintoki ruffled his hair in frustration. The time when he had almost saw Hijikata naked. That image was clearly messing with his mind right now. Otherwise he wouldn’t mess up with his words.

The door of Gintoki’s room flew open without a knock, and the definition of smoke and hot walked in exhausted.

“Well it’s about time you show up”, Gintoki said, as Hijikata dragged his feet from tiredness, “Did you lose your way in the garden? Seriously, you call yourself a cop and yet you have that bad sense of direction. Did you happen to meet One Piece’s Zoro by any chance?” Gintoki teased as Hijikata sat on the red armchair by the desk.

“Oh, spear me from your lousy quips”, Hijikata sighed and rubbed his forehead. Why did he even come here when he was fully aware that that this motor mouth would be present?

“We weren’t in the garden more than an hour. I tried to convince her that I’m not a prince, but she clearly is her father’s daughter”, he said tiredly. “After that we went to her room and she showed all her 101 dresses and I had to pick my favorites”, Hijikata shivered, even memorizing the situation was enough to bring chills down his back.

“So, what have you been up to?” Hijikata asked lazily, using his hand on the armrest to support his head.  
Gintoki looked up at the ceiling, Hijikata’s gaze soon following it, until he saw Gintoki’s master piece.

“Of course, I wouldn’t have excepted anything else from a nose piking good-for-nothing servant like you”, Hijikata sighed again, and Gintoki could swear that he saw the corner of Hijikata’s mouth twitching for a small smile but it was clearly meant as a mocking one.

“Well I did fetch your uniform. That’s probably something you didn’t except me to do”, Gintoki said, and eyed Hijikata slightly worried.

“I… think we should give up with the questioning for the time being, Yorozuya,” Hijikata said slowly, still staring at the ceiling.

“I mean at least we’ve got some answers, though they haven’t exactly been really pleasant ones. I still don’t know why they are making these things up. Or could it be that they have confused me with someone else? What ever the reason is, it’s unlikely that we are going to get an answer to that any time soon”, Hijikata said, finally taking his gaze off from the ceiling.

“Well, if that’s the case, then we return to my original plan. Getting out of here with our swords, that is, and ask the questions by pen paling or whatever”, Gintoki replied and stood up from the bed.

“Don’t kid yourself. I saw the capacity of the guards while I was in the garden. Even a mouse would have a hard time to get out unnoticed, and even with our swords it would take a miracle to get out of here. I know what you are going to say”, Hijikata cut in, when he saw that Gintoki was about to argue.

“These soldiers may look like they are clumsy tenpins that could fall from even a slight push, but you should never judge the book by its cover. I saw them training from the window of the princess’ room when I was waiting for her to show the 56th dress. These guys are good”, he said quietly, meeting Gintoki’s eyes.

“Then what do you except us to do, huh? Sit here and wait for the wedding day?” Gintoki asked defiantly. This had only been their second day on the planet and Hijikata was already giving up.

“I’m just saying that we should keep a low profile for a while!” Hijikata raised his voice. “They will only mess more with us if we constantly keep confronting them. I’m suggesting that we back off now, and pretend that we are buying their delusions”, Hijikata explained a determent look in his eyes.

“And you think that our sudden change of mind won’t make them suspicious”, Gintoki asked sharply.

Hijikata shook his head. “Nothing is certain. And I’m not saying that we agree on everything they say. Let’s just calm down a bit. Anyway, that’s what I’m going to do now. If you want to take your chances and leave right now, I’m not stopping you”, Hijikata said, took a magazine from the desk’s drawer and started to riffle it.

Gintoki knew that Hijikata wasn’t really reading the magazine. He just tried to show that the conversation had ended from his part. That idiot.  
Gintoki walked to the door and put his hand on the handle and opened it slowly. He glanced back and saw that Hijikata wasn’t even lifting his gaze from the magazine. Gintoki snorted and stepped out of the room, slamming the door behind him.

 

“One, two, three…” Hijikata counted calmly as he kept eyeing the magazine and then the door opened again.

“All right! We go with your plan! But if this doesn’t work I’m going to push my way through the guards using you as a shield!” Gintoki roared only few inches away from Hijikata’s face.

“I would like to see you try!” Hijikata shouted and tossed the magazine away as he stood up from the chair.

As the two idiots were once again at the verge of giving a black eye to each other, there was a rhythmic knock heard from the door.

 

 

“Did you enjoy your time with the prince today?” King asked from Natsuki as they were sitting on the couch in his office.

“I did! He doesn’t talk that much but he’s a really good listener and has a good taste on clothes. You should have seen how passionately he chose the dresses for me!” Natsuki told, swaying on the couch from excitement.

“I’m glad to hear that”, king smiled warmly. “He will make a good husband for you”.

“I agree, though I’m a little worried about his amnesia. What if he isn’t ever able to remember who he is?” Natsuki asked worriedly, “I have no idea what he was like before he lost his memories, so I don’t know how to help him recover.”

King gently caressed his daughter’s hair.

“Don’t worry about that. I’m sure he will remember his own self sooner or later. You just have to be there to support him and keep telling him that he is Mayora the 13th “, king assured and kissed Natsuki gently on her forehead.

“Now you should go to sleep so that tomorrow you are refreshed to spend more time with him”, the king smiled, and Natsuki hugged him tightly.

“Good night, daddy.”

“Good night, my angel” king said, and Natsuki headed towards her own room.

“Good night, Tomohiro”, she smiled gently when she passed the adviser who was standing on the doorway.

“Good night, my lady”, Tomohiro wished to her.

“Ah, Tomohiro, I was excepting you”, the king said as he got up from the couch and poured himself a cup of hot tea from a kettle on his desk.

“Yes, my lord. I have finished my report considering the palace’s food consumption”, Tomohiro replied as he stepped in to the shadowy room. “Our consumption of food is way too high. The amount of the food that comes here is more than we need while people in the villages are struggling to get their stomachs full”, he said gravely, facing king’s back. The king chuckled lightly.

“Surely you want that the prince is enjoying his stay”, he asked while walking with his tea cup in front of the fireplace where fire was giving warmth and light to the room.

“Of course”, Tomohiro said calmly, “But the same amount of food we are offering to him could fill 20 children’s stomachs”, he explained, a worried look on his face.

“There’s plenty of food for them to use”, king said coolly, staring at the fire. “They just need to work harder and make the animals and fields to produce more.”

“You can’t rush the nature”, Tomohiro argued, but avoided to show any signs of displeasure in his voice.

“Sure you can”, king said flatly, “If we raise taxes, I’m sure their food supplies starts to miraculously increase. They are just trying to cut the corners”, king muttered.

“We just raised the taxes a few months ago”, Tomohiro protested.

“Well clearly not enough if they can afford to complain”, the king argued impatiently, tearing his gaze from the fire.

“Well, that’s enough about those ungrateful peasants”, the king said tersely as he sat on his chair behind the desk and started to organize his papers. “There are more important matters to discuss. For example, who is this loud-mouthed punk who introduced himself as the prince’s servant”, he asked, keeping his eyes on the papers. “We both know that he is not what he claims to be.”

“He just happened to come along when we were lifting prince to the ship”, said Tomohiro, looking at king who wasn’t meeting his gaze.

“And guards told me that you threatened him to make up a better role as who he is to the prince”, king mentioned, “And I can’t help but wonder, why? You could have kicked him out from the spaceship immediately.”

Tomohiro was quiet for a moment. “I thought that making him act like a servant would help the prince to adjust to his role and also make it easier to keep the prince here”, he answered determinedly.

“And what makes you think that?” king asked coolly, taking a sip from his tea, while writing notes on his papers.

“Well, after my short interrogation, I figured that those two aren’t in best terms with each other”, Tomohiro said, making the king stop his writing.

“I would presume that this Sakata-san would be more than happy to leave prince here, while he would return home”, he continued, watching the king’s facial expressions closely with his blue-grey eyes.

“I see”, the king said slowly, putting his papers away.

“Well, if it is as you say, I guess we can keep him here for a while”, he said, got up from his chair and walked towards Tomohiro. Then he finally met his adviser’s gaze.

“But he sure does remind me of someone we both knew, don’t you think?” the king asked curiously and stared Tomohiro intensely.

“Young and rambunctious, light-haired and always speaks what comes to his mind”, king described, “Ringing any bells?” he whispered close to Tomohiro’s ear, who’s hands were trembling, scrunching the food report in his hands.

“Oh, Tomohiro, look what you did? There’s no way I can read it now”, the king bemoaned and watched the scrunched paper in Tomohiro’s hands.

“You better make a new one right away. And while you are at it, I suggest that you recalculate your statistics, if you know what I mean”, the king ordered, smiling slyly while he put out the fire from the fireplace.

“And after that you can start to write the wedding invitations”, he added as he was making his leave.

“Wedding invitations?” Tomohiro asked with a trembling voice.

“Yes, you old silly. We are going to have a wedding soon, remember? But the guests won’t come unless they get the invitations first”, the king chortled from the doorway. “And I thought that you would be the most qualified person to write them. Here’s the list of all the guests to be invited”, he said, and throw the folded list to Tomohiro.

“There are over a thousand names, so I suggest that you start working on it right away. Good night! And remember to close the door behind you”, king smiled and disappeared from the doorway, leaving a pained-looking Tomohiro alone in the dark room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Zoro is character from One Piece, and he is known to have a bad sense of direction.
> 
> Biker Mice From Mars is a 90's science fiction action animated series. It's about three mice motorcyclists named Throttle, Modo, and Vinnie who escape a war on their home planet Mars before arriving to defend the Earth from the evil that destroyed their homeland (the Plutarkians) This was my favourite show when I was a kid XD
> 
> Thank you for reading!


	6. You would be surprised to know what kind of things you have to learn in order to become a suitable prince

“Open the door,” Gintoki urged Hijikata when they heard a rhythmic knocking from the door.

“Why can’t _you_ open it?” Hijikata asked, slowly backing away from the door.

“It’s painfully obvious that these people don’t like me, and if there’s some mayo soldier banging the door, I would rather have you open it,” Gintoki said nervously and pushed Hijikata towards the door.

“Why are you acting so nervously all of sudden? What have you done again?” Hijikata snarled.

“I might have destroyed a china jar that might have been somewhat valuable,” Gintoki answered and kept pushing Hijikata forward while Hijikata was trying to stay still with all his strength.

“You dimwit! Can’t you be left alone even for a moment?!” Hijikata scolded and tried to get off from Gintoki’s grip while the knocking got louder.

“Hey, I didn’t tell you to go to a picnic with the mayo princess. Come on, open it!” Gintoki rushed struggling Hijikata.

“No way! You have to clean up your own mess! Besides, I don’t think it’s a soldier. I mean what kind of soldier in their right mind would knock like that? It has to be someone feminine,” Hijikata argued, shivers running down his back.

“Feminine?” Gintoki asked puzzled, “You mean the princess? Oh please, she’s probably already asleep. Princesses need their beauty sleep after all,” Gintoki assured and kept pushing Hijikata.

“You have no idea! If the king hadn’t came and took her with him I would probably still be in her room choosing my “favorite” perfumes for her or something as useless like that,” Hijikata said, cold sweat running down on his face. “She has probably come back and wants to continue where we left off,” he figured and quickly turned around, making Gintoki face the door.

“Nonsense! You are good looking, but that doesn’t always mean that everyone wants to spend time with you around the clock,” Gintoki said and was now the one trying to stay still while being pushed towards the scary door.

“What?”

“N-nothing!” Gintoki panicked, biting his tongue for saying such thing. His brains were messing with him again.

“Wait, wait! What if we open the door together?” Gintoki suggested and was relieved when the pushing stopped.

“Fine,” Hijikata agreed. “But if it is the princess, you have to cover for me. Make an excuse so that I don’t have to go with her anywhere tonight.”

“Deal. But if it’s an angry mayo soldier or the king himself with the china jar pieces, you have to use your prince authority and make them overlook my small blunder.”

“Okay, let’s go,” Hijikata said, and they both put their hands on the door handle.

“Ready? One, two, three!” they counted in unison and opened the door.

“Well it’s about time you opened the door. Was the door handle lost? Madam Philomena is busy woman, I tell you!”

Nothing could have prepared Hijikata and Gintoki for the sight they were facing right now. At least six feet tall female mayonnaise bottle was standing before them. She was dressed in a big orange sparkling dress, and bright blue corset was covering her middle body. She was also heavily maked up. Black kajal around her eyes made her resemble a raccoon, and her plump lips were so red that she looked like she had just enjoyed a really bloody supper.

“Come on then, let’s go! No time to waste!” Madam Philomena ordered with her powerful operatic voice.

“Go where?” Hijikata asked puzzled. It had been a female knocking their door alright, but this wasn’t exactly what he had expected.

“To the training!” she exclaimed, waving her hands, golden bracelets shaking loudly, “The king has ordered me to teach you some basic etiquette,” she said and took a hold of Hijikata’s arm in an attempt to drag him with her, but someone else took a hold of Hijikata’s other arm.

“Hold your horses. Where do you think you are taking him?” Gintoki asked flatly, eyeing the walking Christmas tree suspiciously.

“To training, I already said!” Philomena snapped. “So much to do and so little time. The wedding is already behind the corner and here you are busy doing nothing when you should be busy learning how to shake hands properly or how to dance tango!” she nagged to Hijikata as she kept pulling him from the arm while Gintoki was doing the same.

“It’s almost 10 o’clock in the evening! What are you going to learn at this hour?!” Gintoki protested, pulling Hijikata’s arm.

“This is the perfect time to practice! Everyone else is sleeping, no interruptions!” Philomena replied and without warning let go of Hijikata’s arm, making him fall on top of Gintoki.

“No interruptions? That would be the first in this place,” Hijikata muttered, getting up from slightly blushing Gintoki.

“The king expects you to master local etiquette before the wedding, and if I started to list now all the things you should learn, we wouldn’t have time to practice at all”, Philomena explained and took a green folding fan from inside her dress and waved it back-and-forth in front of her face. “Actions speak louder than words!”

“Can’t argue with that,” Gintoki said quietly and got up from the floor as well. If they had just ran for it from the very beginning when they landed to this planet instead of just planning the escape, he and Hijikata would both be home by now.

“I wonder if I’m prince at all if there’s so much for me to learn?”, Hijikata pointed out, noticing a fault in his “back story”. If these people really thought that he was a prince, then surely they would expect him to have some knowledge about basic royalty etiquette? Hijikata knew that he had been the one suggesting the idea to calm down with the questioning but he just couldn’t ignore this obvious fact that was literally screaming to get noticed.

“Ah, yes, king informed me about your amnesia, you poor thing,” Philomena said, tapping Hijikata on the head.

Oh, right. He had amnesia. Well, it must be one heck of amnesia if he didn’t even remember how to shake hands with people anymore!

“But even a shaggy stray dog can be turned into a well-behaving company dog with right measures,” Philomena assured, eyeing Hijikata from head to toes.

“From what into what now?” Hijikata snarled.

“Thanks for the offer, but I think this doggy just needs a good night sleep and a little mayonnaise on his dinner,” Gintoki refused grinning, pulling Hijikata back to the room.

“Don’t you start now as well!”

“Have a good night!” Gintoki wished to Philomena and was about to close the door, but right then she forced her foot between the door and the doorframe, making the wooden door crack slightly. “

Saying ‘no’ to me is the same as going to parachuting without a parachute”, Philomena said, her red lips twisting into an evil smile.

Hijikata and Gintoki glanced each other hopelessly. Back on Earth, people might find them peculiar with their mayo and sugar addictions and whatnot, but here, the term “peculiar” was getting a whole new meaning.

 

 

“And here is where the magic happens!” Philomena declared, her powerful voice echoing in the giant room and her high heels hitting the wooden floor loudly. Hijikata and Gintoki followed her while covering their ears. They would be deaf by the end of the lesson.

Overly sweet and strong scent of perfume filled their noses. The room resembled a dance studio, a big mirror covering one of the white walls and there was a long pole attached to it horizontally. A huge chandelier was hanging from the ceiling, giving light to the room and a slight voice of violins was emanating from a stereo in the room’s corner.

“Quickly now! Use your legs or lose your legs!” Philomena rushed them and pointed two chairs in the middle of the room, “Sit, and mouths go zip!”

“Now then,” she sighed after Hijikata and Gintoki had seated, “The clock is 9.20 p.m. and the class will end 10.00 p.m. Usually my night classes start at 9.00 p.m. and ends at 11.00 p.m. but because the king demanded that you,” she glanced to Hijikata, “get to sleep properly, I’m forced to change my schedules. And believe me, that’s not something that happens often,” Philomena said firmly as she shook her closed folding fan in front of Hijikata’s and Gintoki’s faces like a teacher with a pointer.

“Morning classes are from 6.00 a.m. to 8.00 a.m.” she went on as she walked back-and-forth in front of the two samurais. “You will be on time in every class. Be late, and you’ll be punished,” she said without a blink of an eye. “This room is my kingdom and I’m it’s privileged queen. The laws and orders outside of this room do not matter here. Unless the order is from the king,” she added indignantly.

“So, besides that,” she carried on and leaned forward towards Hijikata, making him lean back in his chair. “What happens in Madame Philomena’s room, stays in Madam Philomena’s room. Have I made myself clear?” she asked, her strong perfume making Hijikata dizzy.

“Cristal clear,” Hijikata coughed, covering his nose with his hand.

“As for you,” Philomena turned her attention to Gintoki, who was sitting lazily on his chair arms folded and a bored look on his face. “The king clearly stated that these classes are only for the prince, and others aren’t allowed to attend to this class, but you seem to be stuck on him like a gum on a shoe sole”, she stared Gintoki intensely.

“Can’t be helped, I’m his loyal servant after all,” Gintoki said lazily, tapping Hijikata on the shoulder. “I’m here to make sure that you treat him properly,” he glanced at Hijikata, smug grin on his face, while Hijikata glanced back frowning.

What was this guy up to again? Why had he tagged along when he could have stayed in his room and have a long night’s sleep? Or that’s what Hijikata would have done anyway. Sleep that is, not necessarily in Yorozuya’s room! Although they were similar in many things, sometimes this perm head was just too hard for him to predict.

“According to your rule, ‘what happens in Madame Philomena’s room stays in Madam Philomena’s room’. I suppose this arrangement will stay between the three of us?” Gintoki hinted, smiling victoriously.

Honestly, Gintoki wasn’t sure why he had come along. Something in his head had told him to follow Hijikata and not let his eyes off him or else Gintoki would be left alone in his room again, god knows for how many hours. Oh no. He was starting to act like a dog, following Hijikata everywhere and craving attention from him. No way! Gintoki wasn’t a dog, he was independent, like a cat! A cat, that seemed to take an interest in the blue eyes that were staring at him.

Now that Gintoki could see closely with a good lightning, Hijikata’s eyes were quite pretty. Even his never-ending frowning couldn’t take away the beauty of them. Like two bright oceans, and under them was a perfectly shaped nose, and under the nose were the lips, red like cherry, and the taste of those lips would be-

“I’m a woman of my word, so if you stay here, I won’t tell anyone about it”, Philomena interrupted Gintoki’s train of thought, for which he was grateful because that train had started to go onto the sidetrack. It had to be this planet’s mayonnaise scented air that made him have these ridiculous thoughts!

“But I have to warn you. The prince here is my official student while you are only an extra. My patience for him stretches to the moon and back, but you, on the other hand, will find yourself quickly from the hallway if you don’t behave,” she warned Gintoki.

“There’s no need to say that. I can even help to tame this stray dog,” Gintoki snickered, and with that, he earned himself a punch to his stomach from the said stray dog.

“Let’s get started then,” Philomena clapped her hands and gestured the men to stand up. “Lesson number 1: walking,” she began, and eyed confused Hijikata with her sharp eyes.

“Eh…”

“Lesson number 1: walking. For heaven’s sake boy, do you have wax in your ears?! Go wash them immediately if that’s the case!” Philomena exclaimed feistily.

“No, I heard you loud and clear. I’m just wondering that if I don’t know how to walk, then how was I able to get here in the first place?” Hijikata asked mockingly.

“Foolish boy. Walking is more than just way to get from place A to place B. Were you born on the countryside?” Philomena asked.

“I thought so,” she said, before Hijikata could even open his mouth.

“Only peasants walk without thinking twice how they look like. But when a real royal walks, he does so much more than just moves his legs aimlessly,” she explained passionately. “Observe,” she said, and began to walk across the room while holding her dress slightly up so that Hijikata and Gintoki could see her legs, whether they wanted or not.

“Hold your head upright, your back straight and your chin up,” she instructed. “Keep your shoulders pulled back but relaxed and let your arms swing slightly beside you as you walk,” she said and ended her demonstration with a small twirl. “Go on then, your turn. Don’t be shy,” Philomena commanded Hijikata.

“Okay…,” Hijikata muttered and started to walk, while Philomena and Gintoki watched him curiously.

“Wrong, wrong, WRONG! Please stop, before your ruin my sensitive eyes,” Philomena cried out, making the chandelier on the ceiling shake dangerously. Gintoki eyed it worriedly.

“Were you even looking when I demonstrated?” She asked, walking up to Hijikata.

“I did, but you are really making a way too big deal about this. Walking isn’t rocket science you know,” Hijikata replied, already fed up with this lady.

“Well clearly it’s rocket science to you, judging how you did it just now! Did you enjoy an iron bar for supper, or why else you were walking like a tin soldier?!” Philomena scolded, making the chandelier shake again, and then Gintoki decided to move away from under it. Better safe than sorry.

“You better start working your attitude, young man, or I’m going to… You!” Philomena exclaimed and pointed the sneaking Gintoki with her green fan. “Do that again, walk.” she said to confused Gintoki who then continued with his walking.

“Yes, oh yes! Just look at that! Shoulders pulled back yet relaxed, and how beautifully you roll your foot forward,” Philomena admired enthusiastically as she followed Gintoki.

“It was clearly a fate that you happened to come to this class as well,” she rejoiced and stood right next to Gintoki. “Oh, what a strong and muscled legs you have,” she purred as she slowly let her hand wander up along Gintoki’s thigh. “Clearly, you are a natural talent.”

“Natural talent at walking? Are you kidding me?” Hijikata said annoyed as he watched this foolish scene.

Yorozuya was one of the laziest persons he knew, so it really wasn’t a surprise that his walk style would be the same. But apparently this laziness was now called a royal talent.

“Hijikata-kun, let the lady speak. You’ve got your share of admiration from every people we have met. Finally, someone appreciates my efforts,” Gintoki said pleased.

“Efforts? You call your ability to walk lazily an effort?!”

“No need to raise your voice,” Philomena said to Hijikata after coming to her senses from admiring Gintoki’s legs. “You should be happy. Now you have two teachers to help you,” she said and petted smugly grinning Gintoki’s arm.

“Teacher’s pet,” Hijikata muttered under his breath.

They practiced and practiced, and fed up Hijikata tried to leave the room at least five times, but was always pulled back by Gintoki. When the clock stroke 10, Philomena was finally satisfied with Hijikata’s walking, and so their first lesson ended successfully. The morning class would start 6.00 a.m. as Philomena so kindly reminded them as they left the room.

 

 

“Phew. Who would have though that walking could be so challenging,” Gintoki sighed and stretched his arms above his head as he and Hijikata went inside Gintoki’s room.

“It’s not challenging, she just made it unnecessarily difficult,” Hijikata complained, rubbing the back of his head.

“Come on, you don’t have to be immediately perfect at everything. That makes us humans. After struggling with a new thing, we eventually learn it,” Gintoki comforted and went to bathroom to wash his teeth.

“You are talking to me like I’m a 3-year old learning how to walk!” Hijikata snapped from the doorway.

“Well, you were acting like a defiant child at times back there, so I don’t see what’s so wrong about that,” Gintoki mumbled from the bathroom a tooth brush in his mouth, but Hijikata could still hear the teasing tone in his voice.

“Whatever. If the next lesson is going to be how to sit properly, I’m getting the hell out of here,” Hijikata threatened, took a cigarette from his dark blue yukata, and lit it.

A grey smoke cloud greeted Gintoki when he stepped out of the bathroom.

“Really? That will be the last straw for you? Damn, these practices should have started right after we came here,” Gintoki chuckled while he took the counterpane off from his bed. Hijikata just mumbled to himself, leaning on the doorframe.

“Well, I’m going to hit the sack,” Hijikata finally said, and turned from the doorway towards the hallway.

“Hey, hey, where are you going?” Gintoki called out, when he saw Hijikata almost disappearing from the doorway.

“To sleep, and I assume you are, too,” Hijikata replied tiredly, leaning his head on the doorframe.

“Well yeah, but where are you going to sleep?” Gintoki asked impatiently, and tried his best not to admit to himself how hot Hijikata looked right now, leaning on the doorway like a model and smoking his cigarette.

“I’m going to sleep in my room, obviously,” Hijikata replied, once again not following sugar addict’s thoughts.

“You are not going to sleep here?” Gintoki asked, like a confused small child.

“Isn’t your joke finished yet? I’m not going to sleep next to you like a fearful 3-year old with his mother”, Hijikata said annoyed. Seriously, this guy just didn’t know when to stop.

“Why not? Okay, forget the child joke,” Gintoki rushed to say, when he saw Hijikata biting his cigarette in growing anger. “I mean, even though this is a single bed, two persons fit on it just fine, and it’s so late already and-“

“What’s you point?!” Hijikata barked. All he really wanted right now was to fall asleep and forget his troubles. Was it really too much to ask?

“Considering how tired you are right now, I would recommend that you sleep here,” Gintoki said innocently. “Your room is on the upper floor and it takes at least 20 steps, but your legs are hardly keeping you up,” he reasoned.

Hijikata closed his eyes and sighed deeply. He should give up now, or he would have to say goodbye to his night’s sleep for good. He could see from Yorozuya’s eyes that he was ready to continue this argument till morning.

“Fine, I’ll sleep here,” he agreed and closed the door behind him, making Gintoki’s corners of the mouth twitch to a smile.

“Good, you will thank me in the morning,” Gintoki reassured him and went to the bed, while Hijikata spread out an extra blanket on the floor, and this caught Gintoki’s attention again.

“Now, what are you doing?” he asked as he watched Hijikata making himself comfortable on the floor.

“Trying to sleep,” Hijikata mumbled while putting out his cigarette, not even bothering to look Yorozuya. Gintoki was starting to lose his patience with this stubborn cop.

“Do you want me to spell it out to you? Come here, and sleep in the same bed with me!” Gintoki exclaimed, hitting the mattress.

“And why would I do that? So that I could see more parfaits in my dreams?!”

“So that I won’t stumble on you in the dark!” Gintoki yelled, and was ready to drag Hijikata to the bed if he would keep this thing going on for much longer.

“Why would you stumble on me? Are you planning to walk in your sleep?!”

“You can’t really control your sleep walking, you know. And what if I have to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night? You dressed in dark clothes and with your dark hair I can’t tell the difference from you and the dark floor in a pitch-dark room!”

“All right! I’ll come to the bed! Happy now?!” Hijikata yelled and threw himself on the bed next to Gintoki. “But you have to chance your clothes, or you will be the one sleeping on the floor,” Hijikata remarked while shaping his pillow for better comfortability.

“Why?”

“Have you smelled yourself lately? Your clothes reek!”

“Oh come on, it’s not that bad,” Gintoki sniffed his clothes. Okay, they didn’t exactly smell like flowers either. “I don’t think the laundry room is open at this hour, so I guess I have to sleep naked then,” Gintoki figured and started to take his clothes off.

“Like hell you will! There are clean yukatas in the closet. That’s where I got mine,” Hijikata said and pointed the white closet in the corner of the room.

Gintoki opened the closet’s left door, and indeed there were dark blue yukatas hanging from a pole. How convenient. These people sure were well-prepared. As Gintoki was dressing on his yukata, he stopped in the middle way, and stared at Hijikata a pensive look on his face.

“What?” Hijikata asked, when he noticed Gintoki looking at him.

“It just occurred to me that you’ve been with that same yukata the whole day, so I think it’s only fair that you change into a new one as well”, Gintoki pointed out.

“You are kidding right?”

“Fine, suite yourself. Then I’m sleeping naked.”

“Okay, okay! You win,” Hijikata gave up and fetched a clean yukata from the closet.

As both men were changing their clothing, Gintoki couldn’t help but steal quick glances at Hijikata who had turned his back on Gintoki. Was it just him or did Hijikata look little nervous while changing. That was odd. He had stripped earlier in Gintoki’s presence like it was nothing, but now Gintoki could see Hijikata’s slightly shaking hands and… were his cheeks a little bit… reddened? Gintoki shook his head. Nah, he was probably just imagining things. And even if he wasn’t, the shaking hands and blushed cheeks were most likely caused by the anger from the bickering they had just now.

Finally, when both samurais wore a clean yukata, they could go to the bed. Hijikata kept his distance from the Yorozuya as long as he could. _At least all the space on the bed is used properly_ , Gintoki thought amused as he made himself comfortable on the bed.

“Good night,” he said quietly, but didn’t get any response from Hijikata. Well, he had agreed to sleep in the same bed with Gintoki, so he shouldn’t except anything else from the cop. Gintoki closed his eyes, letting the silence surround them.

“…night,” Gintoki heard mumbling next to him, and after that, a wide smile crossed his face.

 

 

In order to keep Gintoki’s attending to the royalty training in secret from the king, he and Hijikata had to be really carefully when going to the practice room. There were soldiers patrolling on the hallways around the clock, which made the journey to the room challenging. It had been pure luck that they hadn’t met any guards last night. Gintoki’s room was on the second floor, and Hijikata’s was on the third floor while the practice room was on the fourth floor.

In the early morning, Hijikata carefully opened the door to Gintoki’s room, and took a peek to the hallway. A guard was walking right to his direction.

“Morning,” Hijikata greeted poker-faced, and the guard greeted back, though the confusion on his face was obvious. Why was the prince coming out of his servant’s room?

“I’m heading to my training. I just had to give tasks to my lazy servant first,” Hijikata said awkwardly, to which the guard just nodded, and continued his patrolling, soon disappearing from the sight.

“Let’s go,” Hijikata whispered, and Gintoki tip toed after him.

“You just had to add the word ‘lazy’ didn’t you?” Gintoki whispered annoyed. “Shut up,” Hijikata replied.

They run quietly to the stairs, and after checking that no one was looking, they went up the stairs. They made it to the third floor and didn’t detect any guards there. Luck seemed to be on their side today as well. But then they heard a pair of footsteps coming at their direction, a shadow of the approaching person showing on the wall. Panicking, both men looked around the hallway, trying to find a hiding place for Gintoki. There was nothing, expect one big houseplant on the floor. It would have to do.

“Good morning!” a joyful voice greeted Hijikata. “Are you heading for the breakfast?” Natsuki asked smiling, walking up to Hijikata.

“M-morning. A-actually I’m going to my morning practice,” Hijikata said nervously, standing in front of the houseplant.

“Oh, that’s right! But have you got anything to eat yet?” Natsuki asked worriedly. “Madam’s trainings can be very tiring, so you need a lot of energy,” she said, closely examining Hijikata.

“I’ll be fine. No pain no gain, right?” Hijikata said, and tried his best to stay still when Natsuki was just few inches away from his face.

“Don’t be too hard on yourself. To me you are already a perfect prince, but it’s my father’s orders, so I guess there’s no helping it,” Natsuki said, and comfortably put her hand on Hijikata’s shoulder. “I could prepare a breakfast for you, so after your practice we could enjoy it in the garden like we did yesterday. It was nice, wasn’t it?” Natsuki suggested excitedly.

“Again?!” the houseplant exclaimed.

“Sorry?” Natsuki asked confused.

“Again! It was so nice last time that I could do it again and again,” Hijikata lied between his teeth, and at the same time kicked the plant behind him, making its leaves hit Gintoki’s wide open eyes.

“It’s a date!” Natsuki smiled widely and scurried happily down the stairs.

“You are starting to enjoy princess’s company, aren’t you?” Gintoki asked rubbing his eyes.

“Shut it! I could have refused the innovation, but then you had to open your trap!” Hijikata replied angrily.

“Yeah, right. Only person here you can say “no” to is me. To others, and especially to princess, you are a yes-man,” Gintoki retorted. “But don’t let me stop you two love birds. After the class, you can run to her and eat mayonnaise covered croissants together,” he continued, getting up the stairs to the fourth floor.

Hijikata swallowed his urge to lash back at the Yorozuya. The clock was almost six, and them being late for the practice wouldn’t help a thing.

Hijikata got to the fourth floor, and after waiting that a soldier in there went to the other edge of the hallway, he gave Gintoki a signal to follow and they walked to the opposite direction. Hijikata could already see the door of Philomena’s room. Just a few more steps and they would be safe. Though a thought of having to do this kind of sneaking around every day and night was nerve-wracking.

“I spotted a small stain on a window back there. Please be more careful,” a low voice echoed in the hallway behind Hijikata and Gintoki. They didn’t need a second chance to guess who was approaching.

“Ah, good morning Mayora the 13th. Heading for the training?” king greeted just as joyfully as his daughter had before him.

“Yeah, and I have to hurry, so that Madam won’t punish me,” Hijikata replied, grinning forcefully.

“Don’t worry. She can be very charming once you get to know her, and I’m sure a fine man like you won’t have any troubles to win her over,” king praised. “If you were like your servant, then I would be a little worried,” king laughed.

“I just told the cleaning lady to be more careful with her work. You have no idea how hard it is to find a capable employee nowadays,” king complained. “And they even have two mops to use,” he mentioned, attempting to touch one of the mops pointing out of the cleaning cart on the hallway.

“Don’t!” Hijikata warned, startling the king. “You don’t know where all the dirty places those mops have been,” Hijikata explained, and king backed away from the cart.

“Good point,” he agreed. “Well, I guess I should let you go to your class. Good luck,” king wished, and walked down the stairs.

Hijikata sighed in desperation. Only this one morning had made him age at least 10 years. He would be in his grave before the weekend.

“First a houseplant, now a cleaning mop? I’m a real chameleon,” Gintoki said sarcastically, appearing behind the cleaning cart.

“Don’t whine. For once, your perm-head was useful,” Hijikata replied, and walked towards the practice room, annoyed mumbling Gintoki following him.

 

“6.02 a.m.! How dare you!? And this is only your second lesson!” Philomena scolded, waving her green fan angrily.

“We just rehearsed the walk we learned last night,” Gintoki lied, avoiding the waiving fan with Hijikata. “I would be shamed if I had brought prince with me and he had forgotten how to walk. And after all the hard work I did with you,” Gintoki said calmly, apologetic look in his eyes.

Philomena stopped waving her fan, her angry facial expressions softening. “Fine, I’ll let it go this time. I know it’s not your fault that the prince is a slower learner, and that he needs every possible help to keep the learnt things in his head,” Philomena sighed, and glanced Hijikata hopelessly but gave Gintoki a flattering smile.

“Let’s get started then! Lesson number two: dancing,” she said, and made a small twirl. “My all-time favorite. Thorough dancing you can really see what kind of person someone really is,” Philomena said and got closer to Hijikata and Gintoki. “It’s about emotions and expressions. While dancing, all your feelings are shown, no place to hide.”

“Oh, god,” Hijikata muttered, hiding his face in his hands. It was clear now, someone up there didn’t like him the least bit.

“Because of our busy schedule, we won’t have time to learn all the dance styles, so we begin with the most important one. And that is, tango!”

“Tango?” Hijikata and Gintoki repeated in unison.

“Yes, tango! Argentine tango, to be exact,” Philomena declared, and put the stereo on. Latin music filled the room.

“Tango is the official dance which the wedding couples dance at the weddings here,” she explained to the puzzled samurais. “Tango is about love and passion, a perfect choice for a couple that has just married,” Philomena praised, and took a hold of Gintoki’s hand. “And of course as well for those who have not yet realized their true feelings,” she purred, staring Gintoki intensely.

“Let’s start working then,” Gintoki said quickly, getting himself off from Philomena’s grip. It had been fun at first being praised by her, while Hijikata only got scolded, but this relationship was starting to get a little too sweet for his liking.

“Very well, take your postures. You will stand here,” Philomena instructed Hijikata to stand. “And you will stand here,” she said to Gintoki, and made him stand opposite of Hijikata. Both men tried their best to avoid any eye contact with each other.“Now, prince will be the man and Sakata-san will be the lady.”

“What?! Why I’m the lady? This guy is more feminine than I will ever be!” Gintoki protested, pointing Hijikata.

“You scream like a girl, and have dressed like a one, so the role is perfect for you,” Hijikata smirked.

“Oh yeah? Well thanks to your girl-like silky hair, you are cut out for the part perfectly!”

“Men can have silky hair! Only women have a curly hair like you!”

“May I remind you that when we last time danced tango, I was the leader.” 

Don’t remind me!”

“Silence!” Philomena yelled. “Don’t take these roles too personally. Obviously, the prince has to be the leading part because he’s going to lead in the wedding dance,” Philomena reasoned, for Gintoki’s displeasure. “But you have danced tango before? Then this should be a piece of cake,” she said and put the music louder.

“Show me what you got, then.”

Still frowning at each other, the men reluctantly put their hands together and started to dance, stiffly and without passion. And Philomena noticed this quickly.

“Stop! You silly boys, just look at yourselves. This is not tango, where are the emotions, where’s the heart?” she asked, tapping her left side of the chest.

“Give me a break, would you? Isn’t the technique more important to learn right now? We can focus on the heart part later,” Hijikata groused, and earned a hit on the head from his teacher.

“Heart is everything! Without heart, you have no emotions, and without emotions, you won’t learn how to dance!” Philomena exclaimed. Then she exposed Gintoki’s chest slightly under his yukata and put Hijikata’s hand where Gintoki’s heart was beating.

“Can you feel it?” she asked, watching Hijikata closely. “The heart. Our most important organ, not only physically, but emotionally as well.”

Hijikata did feel Yorozuya’s racing heart, and how warm his chest was against Hijikata’s slightly cold hand. Carefully, he lifted his gaze, and met Yorozuya’s dead eyes. He was watching Hijikata in a way he hadn’t seen before. A mix of curiosity and… hesitation? Hijikata quickly pulled his hand away, leaving a slight red mark into Gintoki’s bare chest.

“Good, then let’s try again,” Philomena encouraged them, and so they began to dance again.

Hijikata tried to keep his eyes on the floor as much as he could, but Philomena always lifted his jaw, forcing him to face Yorozuya’s red eyes. Hijikata was supposed to be the leading one, but it really felt like perm-head was the one controlling the dance. They danced quite simply, but then suddenly Hijikata felt Yorozuya’s leg sliding against his.

“Oi, what are you doing?! Keep your legs to yourself!” Hijikata barked.

“What? This is what they do in tango, right?” Gintoki said innocently but his smirk was everything but innocent.

“Exactly, you are doing great, Sakata-san! Prince, be more relaxed, let the music and your heart guide you,” Philomena instructed.

Hijikata was once again reaching his limits. One more word about heart, and he would rip the whole organ out of his chest. And Yorozuya’s heart, too, in the same process. Philomena’s words were like oil to the flames because Gintoki started to slide more his leg against Hijikata’s, from back and front in turns, like a snake.

“Cut it out!” Hijikata snarled, but Gintoki just kept smirking, and his hold of Hijikata’s hand and back got tighter.

“Calm down, this isn’t so bad. I think you are actually enjoying this, or is there another reason for your sudden blush?” Gintoki teased the murderous looking cop.

“I’m seriously sending you to hell for this.”

“I’ll be waiting for you in there, then. Imagine, you and me dancing tango for eternity.”

And that was the last straw for Hijikata. He pushed Yorozuya away, and headed out of the room.

“Where are you going? The lesson isn’t over yet!” Philomena screamed after him but there was no way to stop Hijikata this time.

“Please forgive him. He’s just not very good at taking a joke,” Gintoki chuckled, but his heart was still beating faster than normally. He could still feel Hijikata’s touch on his chest, and how Gintoki had had a temptation to touch Hijikata’s chest as well, just to find out if his heart had been beating as fast as Gintoki’s.

What was happening to him? Him messing with Hijikata wasn’t anything new, but his way of teasing the cop was starting get weird even for Gintoki’s standards. And that leg-sliding thing. He had no idea what had made him do that. And what was more alerting was the fact that Gintoki had enjoyed it, the feeling of his leg pressed against Hijikata’s firm legs. He had just been too into in his role as a woman, right? There was no other reason for him to have enjoyed it that much, right?!

“He should really work on his attitude. Future king shouldn’t act like a child,” Philomena scolded.

“Future king?” Gintoki asked surprised. “That guy?”

“Well who else could it be? The king has no sons,” Philomena replied, waiving her fan in front of her face.

“Isn’t the princess the next ruler in the line?”

“Oh, dear lord, no! She’s a good girl, but I don’t think she would be a good ruler. Walks too much head in the clouds, if I may say so.”

“So, the king will rather have a complete stranger as his successor instead of his own daughter?” Gintoki asked curious.

“He’s not a stranger. Because of his amnesia, the prince might have troubles to remember the king, but the king has known him for a long time”, Philomena explained, waving her green fan faster. “And because prince’s own kingdom has fallen, it’s convenient for him to move here.”

“What else do you know about our “prince’s” background?” Gintoki asked cunningly. He had hit the jackpot. He would let his charm do the work, and soon he would have all the answers to all the questions. 

"Dear boy, I admit that I’ve grown very fond of you, but you should still hold your tongue. This is a practice room, and whatever happens outside of it, doesn’t concern me,” Philomena said firmly.

He had celebrated to early. Looks like everyone here was trained to keep palace’s business to themselves.

“But your practice room is a part of the palace, and the palace is a part of the kingdom, so I would say quite a lot of things concern you,” Gintoki persisted but Philomena would have none of that.

“If you wish to dance, or otherwise spend more time here, I’ll gladly join you. But if you keep interrogating me like this, I’ll have to ask you to leave,” Philomena warned, pointing the door.

“I guess I’ll see you in the night lesson, then”, Gintoki gave up, and left the room.

Gintoki’s stomach grumbled as he walked down the stairs. He was starving. Hopefully there was something not-mayonnaise covered food on the breakfast table. And if there wasn’t, he would ask Hijikata to order him mayonnaise-free parfaits. Somehow the kitchen staff understood the word “no mayonnaise” better when Hijikata said it. Right, Hijikata. Gintoki should probably go and check how he was doing, and give him some kind of apology if the cop was still pissed at him.

 

 

“Hijikata-kun, please don’t be angry anymore. I’m sorry if I teased you too much. Let’s fetch you some mayonnaise and then you are all sunshine again,” Gintoki twaddled as he stepped into his room, but there was no one in there.

“Hijikata-kun?” Gintoki repeated puzzled. Where had he gone?

“Looking for something?” a hoarse voice asked behind Gintoki, making him nearly jump out of his skin.

“Geeze, don’t sneak up on people like that!” he snapped at calm-looking Tomohiro. “Have you ever thought of a career as an assassin? You would be good.”

“It was my dream job as a child,” Tomohiro replied with a tone of which Gintoki wasn’t sure was the old man joking or not. “So, what are you looking for, or rather, who are you looking for?”

“The prince, of course. Who else?” Gintoki replied impatiently.

“And why would he be in your room?” Tomohiro wondered, tilting his head slightly.

“Why wouldn’t he be? I think he has a right as my employer to visit my room if he wants to. I was away for a while, so I guess he has gone out looking for me,” Gintoki said, but he knew it was only wishful thinking. Hijikata clearly didn’t want to see him right now.

“Where were you then?” Tomohiro asked curiously, keeping his hands behind his back.

“What integration is this again? I’m allowed to walk freely, aren’t I?! At least that’s what the king told me, though I’m not sure if you can trust anything he says.”

“Of course, I’m just surprised that you’re up this early in the morning. The clock isn’t even eight yet. And that reminds me that the prince has a morning lesson from six to eight, so I guess he’s practicing right now,” Tomohiro said, watching Gintoki closely.

“No he isn’t, because we just were-.“ Gintoki slapped his hand on his mouth, before he could say more. But judging how Tomohiro was looking at him, it was too late. He was busted.

“So you were practicing with him. I admire your enthusiasm but I’m afraid the lessons are only meant for the prince,” Tomohiro said.

“Why? What’s wrong with me attending to the lessons as well? It was nothing special, if you ask me. I even helped Madam with her teaching,” Gintoki protested, ready to make his leave towards the dining room. Hijikata was probably there, hopefully.

“Even if you were somewhat helpful, I assume you were a hindrance as well. You were probably the reason why the prince left the lesson this early, correct?” Tomohiro hinted, knowing look on his face.

“So that’s the reason that I can’t attend as well? So that I won’t distract him?” Gintoki asked disbelieved.

Tomohiro nodded.

“You gotta be kidding me,” Gintoki laughed dryly. “Well, can you tell me where’s that guy now? You know, just to make sure that I won’t accidentally bump into him and ‘distract’ him.”

“He’s enjoying breakfast with the princess in the garden,” Tomohiro revealed, making Gintoki’s jaw drop.

“Something wrong?” Tomohiro asked worriedly, seeing Gintoki’s shocked reaction.

“There are many things that are wrong, but now that you asked…” Gintoki said sharply, his dead eyes focused on Tomohiro. “Why are we still playing this game, old man? You know that I’m not prince’s… no… _Hijikata’s_ servant, and the king probably knows that as well. You all are trying very had to make Hijikata believe that he’s a prince who has amnesia but neither of us is buying that,” Gintoki explained. “Why don’t you just come clean and tell me what’s your endgame here?”

“I admit, that the king knows that you are not a servant,” Tomohiro said slowly. “But he also knows, that the man you are calling Hijikata Toshirou is really Mayora the 13th.”

“You just don’t know when to stop,” Gintoki sighed frustrated. “I’ve known this guy for quite a long time now, and not once has there been any signs that he has royalty background.”

“Follow me,” Tomohiro suddenly ordered, and confused Gintoki reluctantly followed. They walked down the stairs, getting lower and lower inside the palace. The lower they went, the more guards they met on their way. Eventually they arrived to a basement, or that’s what Gintoki assumed it was. It was chilly and dark in there, only small oil lamps on brick walls were giving light to the passageway they were walking on.

Then they came to a huge iron door, and on it was a door code. Tomohiro typed a long series of numbers, as his hand moved so fast that Gintoki couldn’t keep up even if he tried. After typing the code correctly, Tomohiro opened the door, revealing a room full of bookshelves. The door closed automatically behind them as they stepped in. Tomohiro walked up to one of the shelves, and after a short search, he picked up a black file. He opened it on a wooden table, and gestured Gintoki to come closer.

“Ah, here it is,” Tomohiro said, after riffling the file under Gintoki’s observing eyes. “The proof that we’ve got the right man,” he continued, and handed Gintoki a photo.

First Gintoki didn’t see on the photo anything else but a giant mayonnaise bottle. But when he took a closer look, his eyes went wide. There was no mistaking it: it was Hijikata. He had a mayonnaise bottle shaped body, and he was sitting on a throne.

“What is this?” Gintoki asked astonished.

“It’s exactly what it looks like. Prince Mayora the 13th sitting on his throne in his kingdom named Edo,” Tomohiro replied. “A good picture,” he added.

“Good picture my ass! Don’t try to pull my leg! The face might be the same as Hijikata’s but unless you have lost your eye sight, you can easily see that the body is nothing like Hijikata’s!” Gintoki ranted, pointing the photo.

“Yes, it was really unfortunate for him to lose his real appearance,” Tomohiro bemoaned.

“Huh?”

“You see, when we don’t get enough mayonnaise, our body will start slowly to vanish. And in a worst-case scenario, it will completely disappear, leaving only almost a skeleton-like body, like Mayora the 13th has now,” Tomohiro explained, and went back to the bookshelf, and soon brought a book with him.

“Those poor souls,” Tomohiro mumbled sadly, as he turned the pages of the book.

Every page was filled with pictures of mayo people, and how their bodies had changed from a bottle-like body to a normal looking human’s body, which was apparently considered unhealthy.

“And there’s no cure to bring the original body back,” Tomohiro sighed as he closed the book.

“Like anyone would want a body like that back!” Gintoki exclaimed. “What about me, then? What was the reason for you to threaten me and make me act like a servant?!”

“The prince clearly has no memories of his past life, so I figured that making you act like his servant would help him to remember,” Tomohiro explained while putting the file and the book back to the shelve. “Obviously someone who really was the prince’s servant would have been better. Unfortunately, all of his staff died from the lack of mayonnaise with the rest of his people. And then you happened to come along so… C’est la vie,” Tomohiro shrugged.

Gintoki snorted. It really began to look like this all was just one big misunderstanding. These mayo people had probably mayo memory blended themselves too many times, causing them to navigate their spaceship to the Earth’s Edo when they should have gone somewhere else. Maybe somewhere in the galaxy there really was a mayonnaise kingdom named Edo, and it was ruled by a Hijikata look-alike, how should he know.

“I’ve heard enough,” Gintoki threw his hands up frustrated. “Come hell or high water, I’m going to prove that Hijikata isn’t the prince you think he is,” Gintoki threatened and pulled the door handle but it didn’t open.

He tried again, pulling with all his strength but the door would still stay closed.

“Open Sesame! What’s wrong with this door?!”

“There’s a door code on this side as well,” Tomohiro noted amused.

“Just tap the damn code,” Gintoki said irritated, holding his hand on the door handle when the door suddenly flew open from the outside powerfully, squeezing Gintoki between the door and a wall.

“Tomohiro-san, mayo! Come quick, there’s a trouble in the garden, mayo,” a soldier rushed from the doorway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the late update. I've been busy lately, so the next chapter might take a while as well.
> 
> Thank you for reading!


	7. Trip in the woods is relaxing, they say

Gintoki and Tomohiro rushed through the palace towards the garden. What was so urgent again that they had to run like this? Though this was convenient for Gintoki. Tomohiro had said that Hijikata and the princess were in the garden, so he wouldn’t have to play hide-and-seek with Hijikata anymore. Gintoki just hoped that whatever trouble there was in the garden, he wouldn’t find Hijikata there playing a hero again. The princess was already head over heels for this guy so much so that even he sneezing his nose would make her pupils heart-shaped. So if Hijikata would save her from yet another danger, the wedding would probably be held on the next day!

But Gintoki wouldn’t allow that. If Hijikata wouldn’t try hard enough to get rid of this ridiculous marriage, then Gintoki would do it, even if he had to burn down all the churches and priests on the whole planet! The reason for him to go such lengths was because if he dared to return to Earth without the Vice-Chief, the Shinsengumi would definitely hunt him down. And Gintoki wanted to keep his head tightly attached to his shoulders, though his brains were in a need of fresh air. He had started to have too intimate thoughts of Hijikata recently, and it was driving Gintoki crazy.

They arrived to the garden, and there was a verbal battle going on. An old skinny mayo-bottle man dressed in rags was wriggling in the hold of two guards, shouting angrily at Hijikata. And in Hijikata’s protective arms was the fearful looking princess, hiding her face into Hijikata’s crook of neck.

_Damsel-in-distress. Or more like a leech-in-distress,_ Gintoki thought annoyed as he saw the sight before him. He wouldn’t be surprised if the princess left a hickey on Hijikata. So close were her lips to his neck.

“What is the meaning of this?” Tomohiro asked firmly.

“I’ll tell you what’s the meaning!” skinny man spluttered, his raging eyes nailed to Hijikata. “Every village is starving while you keep feeding our food to this pathetic excuse for a prince! I came here as soon as I heard that the prince is back in the palace. Where have you been hiding all this time?” the man questioned Hijikata, his every word filled with disgust.

Hijikata was lost for words. Just when he had thought that things couldn’t get any more complicated, this happened. The mad man had attacked Hijikata with a knife while he and the princess had sat on the grass eating breakfast. Hijikata had managed to get the knife from the man, and after that the guards had come to hold him, but it didn’t stop him from verbally attacking Hijikata.

“Mister, please calm down. There’s no reason for you to attack the prince like this,” Tomohiro said with a stern face.

“I have every reason!” the man yelled. “Until he makes up for all the money I lost when I wasn’t able to do my work properly when I had to take care of my sick wife and daughter, I have a reason! And until he brings back to life my dead daughter, I HAVE A REASON TO KILL HIM!” the man roared in rage, tears in his eyes.

“I’m sorry for your loss but do you really think that killing the prince will solve all that?” Tomohiro asked, his facial expression softer now. “You attacked a royalty with a weapon,” he noted, glancing the knife on the ground. “How will your wife survive if you languish in prison?”

“Considering the state she’s in right now, me being with her or not won’t change a thing,” the man muttered hoarsely. “Without mayonnaise, she’s soon reunited with our daughter,” he added bitterly.

“Harvest has been small this year because of the drought, and hens have had troubles with laying eggs. And you can’t make mayonnaise without eggs, now can you?” he glared at Tomohiro.

“I understand,” Tomohiro nodded. “I will talk to the king and we will- ,” Tomohiro couldn’t end his sentence, when he saw the king striding towards them, displeasure written all over his face.

“I heard from a guard what was happening here. Tomohiro, why is this man still standing here? Put him in the cell immediately! He invaded the palace and attacked the prince, and Natsuki as well!” the king huffed angrily.

“My lord, he is just- ,”

“You can do to me whatever you want,” the rag-clothed man said proudly. “But you can be sure that I won’t be the last one voicing out people’s displeasure towards the government,” he smiled mischievously at the king.

“Are you saying people are planning a treason?!” king exclaimed. “I demand you to tell me immediately the names of the people who are trying to destroy our peaceful kingdom!” he yelled, but the old man just laughed hysterically.

“I suggest that you demand yourself to get your cocky head out of your giant ass,” he laughed, starting to look like a maniac. “Peaceful kingdom! Hah hah haa!”

Hijikata wasn’t sure should he feel sorry for the man for all he had been through or kick his ass for attacking him for no reason. Although, “the lights are out but nobody’s home” seemed to be the case with this fellow. Should he really believe anything this man was saying? When Hijikata had arrived to the planet, people had been more that happy to give away their food to him. And they hadn’t looked really discontent either.

“So, you don’t have enough mayonnaise, is that it?” Hijikata asked, trying to gently get himself separated from the princess but she kept hugging him tightly like a koala bear climbing a tree. “Can’t we give him some mayonnaise from the palace, and to everyone else who needs it?” he glanced at the king.

“Our mayonnaise stock isn’t that great in the palace either,” king argued. “And aren’t you all now forgetting the fact that this man nearly killed the prince,” he reminded, eyeing the skinny man. “He deserves a punishment!”

“And you deserve to perish. All royalties should just perish away! Power to the people!” the man declared, trying to get off from the guards’ hold but it only got tighter.

“I think it would be wise to let him go this time,” Tomohiro whispered to king. “Imprisoning him could rise a mutiny among people, if it hasn’t already happened,” he warned. “Let him go this time, and everyone will see how generous the government can be.”

Natsuki joined the conversation as well. “Daddy please, let this man go home to his wife. No one wasn’t hurt this time anyway,” she plead his father, finally lifting her head from Hijikata’s neck.

The king had a pensive look on his face but Hijikata was sure he would agree to it. The princess was after all his pride and joy, no way he would refuse his daughter’s plead.

“Consider it as a wedding gift for me,” Natsuki continued, catching Hijikata off guard. _There’s no need to go that far with the pleading!_

“Very well, I’ll let it go this time,” king reluctantly agreed. “And I will send a bottle of mayonnaise to every household,” he promised. “Please take him away now,” he ordered the soldiers and they began to drag the man away.

“Just a second!” the man said but didn’t laugh hysterically anymore. “For the sake of my wife, I’ll accept your fake act of mercy. But the prince must be the one to bring the mayonnaise to the villages,” he nodded at Hijikata’s direction. “Surely the future king wants to pay a visit after so many years?” he mocked.

_Future king?! What the hell?_ Hijikata hadn’t even got used to people calling him prince and now he was a future king?! Talk about fast promotion!

“I’ll be in judge of that. Now get out of my sight!” the king said, and the guards took the man away. King rubbed his forehead, sighing deeply. He had had better mornings than this. And thanks to that lunatic loud mouth, he had to face prince’s questioning once again.

“Mind telling me what’s going?” Hijikata snarled between his teeth. “Me, a future king?!”

“Yes, I won’t rule forever, so someone has to take my place. But can we discuss that later? Right now, we have more important things to get solved,” king said flatly.

“How did that man manage to get in here? The palace is supposed to be highly guarded but apparently people can come and go as they please!” he lashed out to his guards.

“W-we are s-sorry my lord, mayo. It was our fault that he got in, mayo,” two young guards, barely even adults yet, stuttered, bowing deeply. “He came to the front gate covered in a cloak and carrying a big sack of vegetables with him, mayo. He resembled a lot like person who usually brings the vegetables, so we let him in without any questioning, mayo.”

The king was struggling to keep his anger inside him. If the prince and Natsuki hadn’t been present, he would have given these guards a lesson to remember.

“Well you won’t be in the charge of the front gate anymore, that’s for sure,” king said, keeping his voice neutral but his look was murderous enough to kill someone.

“Go and write a 3000 words long apology letter, and bring it to me before the evening, understand?” he ordered, and the young boys bowed again, seemingly relieved. They had excepted a worse punishment from the king. After the young guards had left, the king turned his attention back to Hijikata and the rest.

“About the mayonnaise to the villages, then. I don’t want to give to that mad man an impression that I’m doing as he says but I guess it wouldn’t be a bad idea for the prince to get a closer look of our villages,” he reasoned.

“Really? After what that man said, I’m not so sure it’s a good idea,” Hijikata protested. “There could be a dozen of angry peasants in every village, just waiting to destroy me verbally and physically for my ‘past sins’.”

King snorted amused, “Don’t worry dear Mayora the 13th. You saw how mentally unbalanced that man was. Of course you haven’t done anything to these people because this is your first time here. Not that any other prince has done either. That man has ruined his life with his own actions, and now he tries to make the government take responsibility,” he reassured worried Hijikata.

“Yeah, but I still don’t think that-“

“I will go with him,” Gintoki announced eagerly. He had been following the conflict curiously. He pushed himself between Hijikata and Natsuki.

“I’ll protect our golden boy from the vengeful peasants,” he smiled smugly, putting his arm around Hijikata’s shoulders protectively. He moved it away though, when he saw Hijikata staring at it with his trademark frown.

This was such a perfect opportunity. Why didn’t Hijikata realize it? They would pretend to take the mayonnaise to the villages, and then they would find their way to the nearest spaceship and get themselves out of here. Gintoki could already imagine it. Seeing Kagura, Shinpachi and Sadaharu again and eat parfaits and drink strawberry milk as much as he wanted. Everything would return to normal. Gintoki would run his odd-jobs business and Hijikata would continue his job as Shinsengumi’s Vice-Chief.

_Oh._

Where did this sinking feeling in his heart came from? No way he would miss this, spending this much time with the cop. But these new and strange thoughts he had started to have towards Hijikata, would they vanish as soon as he returned to the Earth? Would the normal really be normal after all they had been through here together?

The king looked doubtful about Gintoki’s suggestion. “I’m not sure. You tend to cause troubles wherever you are,” he noted. “Even though in the villages there might not be as valuable things as our china jar.”

Gintoki frowned at that. “Oh, come on! What kind of an idiot puts a valuable jar next to a doorway in the first place? It was only a matter of time that someone would knock it over, and unfortunately I happened to be that unlucky one,” he said defiantly. A ticket for the freedom was almost within his reach. No way some ugly piece of decorative item would stop him now.

“I could go, too,” Natsuki volunteered happily. “I haven’t visited the villages for ages, and this would also be a great chance for me to get to know Sakata-san better,” she smiled gently at Gintoki.

The king wasn’t too excited about the idea. “It’s a not a short trip, Natsuki.”

“I’ll be fine, daddy! Besides, I have Mayora the 13th with me as well as his loyal servant. What could possibly go wrong?” she insisted, jumping up-and-down in front of his father excitedly, like a school girl asking for a permission to go to a field trip.

“Alright, you can go,” the king finally agreed, tapping Natsuki’s head gently. “Three persons to take the precious mayonnaise to the villagers. You shall be the Fellowship of the Mayonnaise,” he declared proudly.

Hijikata facepalmed. One overly-excited princess and one walking catastrophe. Sure, what could possibly go wrong?

 

 

They started the preparations immediately. One by one the servants brought boxes full of mayonnaise bottles to the courtyard and packed them carefully on a wooden wagon. _So royal seat with wheels can also be used as a transport vehicle for lifeless mayonnaise bottles_ Gintoki had teased and Tomohiro had corrected annoyed that _it’s a normal wagon! It doesn’t even have pillows on it!_

Hijikata sighed tiredly. It was a miracle that the Yorozuya still had his head on its place. While the servants kept packing the wagon, Hijikata took a chance to take a look at the palace. Its golden roof was shining like a crystal in the morning sun, and high mayo bottle shaped towers were reaching to the sky. The palace had clearly seen better days, judging from how the mayonnaise-yellow walls had begun to lose their color. But it was still enough to be a residence to a royal family.

“Take a good look at it,” Gintoki startled Hijikata from his deep thoughts, “because this will be the last time you will see it,” he grinned cunningly.

“Are we ready to go?” Natsuki called out, dressed in a green tank top, a dark brown vest and shorts. She even had hiking boots. _What did she think this journey was going to be? A girl’s scout’s day camp?_ Hijikata wondered.

Natsuki walked happily up to Hijikata and Gintoki, carrying a huge rucksack on her back.

“I see that you are not going to take any equipment with you,” she noticed. “But don’t worry, I backed a first aid kit and blankets. I also got food and water enough for the three of us,” she smiled widely, looking like a real girl scout.

“And by food, I assume you mean cookies?” Gintoki snickered but Hijikata silenced him with a quick hit on the head.

“Well, I took two bottles of mayonnaise for Mayora the 13th and for myself. The cookies are for you, Sakata-san, since you don’t care about mayonnaise that much,” Natsuki said, and made Gintoki feel slightly sorry for making fun of her. She was an obstacle between his and Hijikata’s plan to escape, but she was really considerate to other people, he had to give her that.

“Everything is ready my lord, mayo,” the servants said to the king as they put the last box on the wagon.

The king nodded in approval. “Very good, and our travelers are ready as well, I see,” he said and took the rucksack off from Natsuki’s back.

“You will break your back with that much carriage, dear. Let Sakata-san take care of this,” he said and threw the heavy bag to Gintoki who caught it but the heaviness of it surprised him, making him fall to the ground. Was the princess on steroids? How had she managed to carry such a heavy back like it was nothing?

“But daddy…”

“You can help the prince pull the wagon if you want to exercise,” king interrupted her daughter’s complaint, making a final check on the wagon.

“Everything seems to be fine.”

“Let’s get going then!” Natsuki said and helped Gintoki up from the ground,

“I will take the bag after we have left the palace,” she whispered to Gintoki, who put the rucksack on his back.

“I guess we are heading that way?” Hijikata said, pointing at the direction where they had come from when they had arrived to the palace first time. The road had been bumpy but views had been breathtaking.

“Well, actually, there are a lot of roadworks right now, so I suggest you take another road,” the king said.

“Oh, you mean the road that goes through the forest? The one with the railroad that we used when we were rescuing the princess?” Hijikata figured. It would be somewhat harder to pull the wagon on a railroad but if it wasn’t much longer than the main road, they could manage.

“No, no, I meant another road, though it goes through a forest as well,” king corrected.

“Natsuki knows the way, so she will guide you.”

“Follow me!” Natsuki said, and so they left, leaving the waiving king and Tomohiro behind.

 

 

 

“Here we are. My favorite road to the villages,” Natsuki said as they arrived to the edge of a forest.

Spooky was the most suitable word to describe it. Big trees covered in moss surrounded the path densely, and the path was full of dead leaves. The forest was so thick that even the smallest beam of sunlight didn’t get through its leafy roof.

“Tell me again why we can’t use the railroad path?” Gintoki asked, taking a few steps back. He didn’t sound scared but his voice was lacking its usual confidence.

“It’s much longer and I’m not really confident to use that path after what happened,” Natsuki replied quietly, the attack of the mayo lizard still haunting in her mind.

“And are you sure that this is a safe road?” Hijikata questioned, keeping his voice as calm as possible.

“Definitely. And this forest is full of rare flowers and creatures. Great chance for me to add new findings to my collection,” Natsuki said, and showed a little sketch book.

“I like to draw all the new things I find. My mother used to do the same. Come on then!” Natsuki, without any signs of fear, entered the forest.

The two samurais, on the other hand, were still standing still and being unusually polite to each other.

“After you, then,” Gintoki gestured. “Don’t let the lady wait.”

“No, after you. She was so eager to get to know you, so it’s better that you walk right behind her,” Hijikata grinned forcefully.

“But you are the one pulling all the precious mayonnaise, so I think it’s wise that you walk in the middle, so it’s protected from front and back.”

“Well then you take it. I will gladly protect mayonnaise from the behind. “

“I already got princess’s rucksack! No way I’m going to pull a wagon as well!” Gintoki exclaimed, dropping all pretense.

“Give me the rucksack then.”

“Oh, I see. You are not even planning to come to the forest. After I’ve stepped into the forest, you will disappear in a second back to the palace. What’s this? Is the demon Vice-Chief scared of a tiny forest? In a bright daylight?”

“As if! But you seem to be little nervous, backing away like that. Get back here you coward!”

“Hah! Pot calling the kettle back. Your distance to the forest seems to grow as well.”

“Because I’m trying to prevent you from leaving!”

“Umm… are you coming? We really should get going already,” Natsuki appeared from the forest, a wondering look on her face.

They just had to bite the bullet. After all, this was their greatest chance to leave this freaky planet. So what, if the forest looked a little dark and suspicious. It would probably get lighter and less spooky later.

And how wrong they were. The deeper to the forest they walked, the more unpleasant it got. Every now and then crows cried harshly and the trees creaked in a slight wind. Sometimes Gintoki could see a pair of red or yellow eyes staring at him from dark bushes, and when he looked more closely, the eyes were gone. The dead leaves had partly rotted on the ground, making the road squelch under their feet.

“Whose clever idea was to make road through this forest,” Gintoki complained, kicking small fallen tree branches on the ground.

“Originally this road led only to the half way of the forest,” Natsuki explained, carrying her rucksack on her back. She had took it from Gintoki like she had promised. “But then it was realized that this was a shorter way from villages to the palace, so they made it longer.”

“Why was it first only to the half way?” Hijikata asked, walking behind Natsuki while pulling the mayonnaise wagon.

“There used to be a graveyard here,” Natsuki said calmly. Gintoki and Hijikata stopped on their tracks.

“G-graveyard? And where is that graveyard, may I ask? Are we going to pass it by?” Gintoki asked slight fear in his voice, not bothering to hide it this time.

“We are there right now,” Natsuki replied. “It’s right under us.”

The two men glanced at the leafy ground, cold sweat starting to pour down on their faces.

“U-under us? S-so you mean…?”

“Some of the graves were moved to the new graveyard but most of them were left here. People didn’t want to move their family’s graves from their original places. ‘You shouldn’t dig up the grave once it’s closed. It brings bad luck’ they said.”

“So, then you just made a road o-over t-them,” Hijikata let the fear take over his voice as well, and started to tip toe, like his was walking on a thin ice.

“Yes. And in a way I think it’s sad, that people can’t visit the graves anymore. But then again, when you walk here, it feels like the dead are watching over you, making sure that you get to your destination safely,” Natsuki smiled, and the she started to sing in a high voice.

_“Ring-a-ring o' roses, A pocket full of posies, A-tishoo! A-tishoo! We all fall down!”_

It sounded creepy, way too creepy to Gintoki’s and Hijikata’s ears. A dark forest, dead people under them, and a creepy children’s song sang in a creepy voice? Where they in the middle of a horror film?! Panicking, both men started to look around, their eyes sharply following any movements they could detect. And they didn’t even have swords with them. How were they supposed to defend themselves if they came under an attack? With mayonnaise and cookies?!

“Oi, lady, c-could you cut it out? You’re not suppose to sing songs like that in the graveyard. It should be something like:

 

_“Pokémon, gotta catch 'em all._

_It's you and me I know it's my destiny!_

_Pokémon! Oh, you're my best friend In a world we must defend!_

_Pokémon, gotta catch 'em all. A heart so true, Our courage will pull us through,_

_You teach me and I'll teach you, Pokemon!”_

 

Gintoki sang, or more like yelled, making all the crows on the trees fly away from the terrible noise.

“Shut up!! Yelling like that you will wake the dead, idiot!” Hijikata shouted.

“Princesses’ song woke them up! My song will keep them underground!”

“Like hell it will! Singing off-key like that you will only earn yourself a ticket to the underworld!”

“Pikachu will save me then! He will thunderbolt their skeleton asses! And then it will thunderbolt you for criticizing my singing voice!” Gintoki yelled, and threw a rock at Hijikata, pretending it to be a Poké Ball. “Pikachu, I choose you!”

“Now is not the right time to abandon you last brain cells!!”

“KYAAAAA!!”

Natsuki’s sudden scream was enough to put a stop to Gintoki’s hallucination, and enough to make Hijikata loose remaining color on his face.They should have never come to this forest. They say “trust your instincts” for a reason. Natsuki had continued her walk while Hijikata and Gintoki had hold their usual bickering, and now the dead mayo bottles had taken her.

“She will be missed”, Gintoki stated sadly, and was ready to run away from the forest in the speed of Pikachu.

“Hold it right there!” Hijikata gripped Gintoki’s arm.

“Y-you caused this, so you b-better be the one to solve t-this,” Hijikata’s voice trembled, his sweaty hand leaving a wet spot on Gintoki’s sleeve.

“What?! This is all her fault! I told her not to sing spooky songs! Princesses comes and goes but there’s only one irreplaceable Gin-san! I’m the main character for crying out loud!”

“If we leave the princess here, you will be a headless main character, mark my words.”

Hijikata didn’t want to stay in the forest any longer than the Yorozuya did but he knew that they wouldn’t live long if the king found out that his daughter was dead. And even though the princess was a strange girl, she didn’t deserve to end her days in the hands of ghosts.

Gintoki was going to argue until Hijikata’s blue eyes caught his attention again. The cop was shaking, and it was clear that he was using all his willpower to keep himself standing where he was. But Hijikata’s eyes didn’t show any signs of fear. They were nailed to Gintoki’s eyes, and somehow the look Hijikata was giving him calmed Gintoki down a bit. Damn it.

“Fine. But after this I’m going to put her on a leash. I’m getting tired of rescuing her every time.”

They picked up thick tree branches to use as a weapons and charged towards the unknown. “In the name of chocolate parfait, let the princess go!!” Gintoki yelled as they ran, ready to defeat all mayo ghosts who dared to raise from their graves.

“Look what I found! Isn’t it beautiful?” Natsuki, sound and safe, was kneeling on the ground next to a purple star-shaped flower. “You have no idea how long I’ve been looking for this one.”

Stunned, Hijikata and Gintoki watched the princess as she got her sketch book from her rucksack and started to draw the flower excitedly.

“Why don’t we just leave her here and continue the journey by ourselves,” Gintoki hinted, a tree branch cracking in his tight grip.

“We can’t,” Hijikata muttered, clenching his teeth.

“Can I kill her?”

“No. I just said she can’t be left to be killed.”

“I can make it look like an accident.”

“NO! Ahem. Princess, weren’t we supposed to hurry? I assume it’s already noon, so we should keep going,” Hijikata reminded Natsuki, keeping his voice very polite like a proper prince.

“Just a second. There. Well, what do you think?” Natsuki stood up and showed her sketch book to the samurais.

“It’s great. Is it a mashed fly or a piece of poop from a bird that has eaten too much blueberries? Can’t really tell from this angle,” Gintoki mocked but fortunately Natsuki didn’t get it.

“What an interesting aspect you have. When I look at it, I see a flower but it also represents wisdom and love in this old forest. But now that you said, it looks like a mashed fly as well. What do you think it means?”

“It means-“

“We don’t need to hear you analyze, let’s just get going,” Hijikata butted in. He didn’t want to hear what the Yorozuya had to say about her art. It wouldn’t be anything wise or lovely, that’s for sure.

They continued their journey, though being aware of that they were walking above dead people made Hijikata and Gintoki react paranoidly to any possible noise or movement. It was already noon but the sun still couldn’t get its light into the forest. The air in there seemed to get thicker and harder to breath as they went on. Or that’s what Gintoki felt. It was a warm summer day but it felt like something cold and heavy was getting a hold of his neck. He cleared his throat, trying to get the unpleasant feeling off and touched his throat. Something cold and slimy was rounding his neck.

“AAARRGGHH! What is this?! Take it off, take it OFF!!” Gintoki screamed, holding his neck with his hands and running around in circles panicking.

“What are you talking about? There’s nothing on you,” Hijikata said, watching unamused as Gintoki was now rolling on the ground.

“No, it’s definitely something! I can’t breathe! The mayo ghosts finally got me! Their cold and slimy hands are trying to suffocate me, Hijikata-kun!!”

“Cut it out! If this is your way to slack off, it’s not working,” Hijikata frowned, turning his back on Gintoki.

“Wait! Oogushi-kun! Come back!”

"Who are you calling Oogushi-kun?! Stand up!” Hijikata shouted and took a hold of Gintoki’s yukata’s collar to make him stand up but he pulled his hand away, when he touched indeed something cold and slimy.

“Wooah! What the hell is wrong with your neck?!”

“I don’t care anymore, just take it off!!”

“S-stay still, I’ll handle it,” Hijikata assured and took a strong hold of his tree branch and hit Gintoki’s neck with it. The hit didn’t make a scratch to Gintoki’s neck but it made the thing that was trying to suffocate him, take a visible form.

“Ah, it’s a glass snake,” Natsuki said a little too excitedly, considering the situation.

“A glass what?!” Hijikata cried out, staring at the thin but long white snake that hissed at him dangerously, while tightening its grip from Gintoki’s neck.

“Glass snake can make itself transparent, so it’s easier for it to attack its prey. Glass snakes only eat small vermins though, so I wonder why it’s on your neck right know? Maybe it’s fond of your similar colored hair,” Natsuki wondered, exanimating the snake curiously while Hijikata got an idea.

“Mayo lizards and glass snakes! Don’t you have any normal animals here?!” Gintoki exclaimed in a suffocating voice until he felt something stinking and brown poured on his silver hair.

The snake saw how the silver hair it had took a liking was covered under the stinking mud, and it quickly loosened its grip from Gintoki’s neck and disappeared to the bushes. Gintoki breathed deeply and laid on the ground exhausted like he had just run a marathon.

“Oi Yorozuya, are you alive?” Hijikata asked, wiping the mud off from his hands.

“I am but what did you do to my hair?! It smells worse than mayonnaise!” Gintoki yelled, trying to get the mud out of his hair.

“It helped you to get rid of the snake,” Hijikata said and pulled Gintoki up.

“We are almost at the first village,” Natsuki informed. “It shouldn’t take more than 20 minutes, and then we can greet all the nice people there-“

Natsuki wasn’t looking where she was going and hit her foot on a rock that was pointing from the road, making here fall on the ground.

“Are you alright?” Hijikata ran to Natsuki after he had got Gintoki up.

_There he goes again. The prince in the shining armor, ready to rescue the clumsy princess. This girl is a real attention-seeker,_ Gintoki thought, watching Hijikata as he checked Natsuki’s ankle for possible injuries.

“Can you put your weight on it?” Hijikata asked, as he let Natsuki take support from his shoulder.

“N-no, I can’t. I guess it’s sprained. What a pity! I was so looking forward to go the villages with you,” Natsuki bemoaned.

“That’s not something to worry about right now. Now we should figure out how to take you back to the palace,” Hijikata said while he took a bandage from Natsuki’s rucksack and put it around her ankle.

Gintoki watched closely as Hijikata gently treated Natsuki’s ankle. It made him wonder how it would feel like to receive such treatment from Hijikata. His handswere soft. Gintoki had noticed that when they had danced tango together. And with those soft hands and the soft and caring side, (that Hijikata was always hiding behind the tough-guy attitude), he would make a great nurse. A vivid picture formed in Gintoki’s mind of Hijikata in sexy nurse clothes.

_Shit! What am I thinking again?! This is just getting worse! I have to get out of this planet! Or kill the author of this story._

“Oh, getting me home won’t be a problem,” Natsuki reassured. “Could you walk me to that tree?” she asked confused Hijikata, and he helped her up and took her to the tree she had pointed. There was a small grey button microphone on the tree trunk, and Natsuki activated it by pressing another button next to it.

“Hello? This is Natsuki. I sprained my ankle as you can see, so could you please come and get me,” she talked to the microphone.

“Roger that, my lady, mayo. We’ll be there as soon as possible, mayo,” a rasping sound was heard from the microphone.

“Thank you,” Natsuki said and closed the microphone and then turned her attention to puzzled Hijikata and Gintoki.

“What was that, just now?” Hijikata asked, staring Natsuki like she had just done something completely abnormal.

“Although these are safe roads, my father wanted that every road has microphones in a case of emergency. Quite silly if you ask me but daddy has always put safety first when it comes to me or his people,” Natsuki explained.

“So, did your message go to the palace?” Gintoki asked.

“It went to the nearest guard post. Let’s see, this microphone is number 30, so the guards from the post 30 will probably come here.”

“Do they know our exact location?”

“Sure. We are in a hidden camera after all,” Natsuki joked, and pointed the tree again, and indeed, there was a well disguised camera pointed at their direction, zooming in and out.

“A camera. I see. That’s just… great,” Gintoki sighed, despair taking over his mind. There was no way they could stray from their path in order to escape if there were cameras following their every step.

“I guess we will stay here then and wait,” Hijikata said, not sounding pleased for the discovery either.

“We could eat our lunch now while we are waiting,” Natsuki suggested and took a big blanket from her bag and spread it on the ground to sit on. Then she took the mayonnaise and cookies out of the bag.

“Here you are, Sakata-san,” she handed Gintoki a pack of chocolate cookies. “Without mayonnaise, just the way you like them,” she added smiling.

“Thanks,” Gintoki said tiredly as he sat on the blanket opposite of Hijikata and Natsuki.

“And here’s for you, Mayora the 13th,” Natsuki smiled from ear to ear as she gave Hijikata a bottle of a mayonnaise.

“Thank you,” Hijikata thanked quietly, making a short eye contact with her. Then Natsuki turned her gaze on Gintoki.

“You can wash the mud off from your hair in the village. I’m sure they can lend some water to you,” she said to Gintoki.

“That’s good to know”, Gintoki replied shortly, taking a bite of his cookie.

Silence fell between the three of them. Only the crunching of the cookies and slurping of the mayonnaise was heard. After a while Natsuki carefully rest her head on Hijikata’s shoulder, making him flinch from the sudden closeness. She had become more confident showing her affection to Hijikata, and he had no idea how to deal with it.

This closeness with the princess alone was uncomfortable enough for Hijikata, but the Yorozuya seeing them like this made the situation even worse. Hijikata noticed how the perm-head was watching him and the princess, with that annoying blank expression. Usually the sugar addict’s muteness would be a bliss but now Hijikata really hoped that the Yorozuya would say something instead of just staring at him with those dead eyes.

“Ah, you missed some,” Natsuki chuckled, as she took a napkin from her vest’s pocket and wiped a few drops of mayonnaise from Hijikata’s jaw. Hijikata startled yet again and tried to subtly avoid Natsuki’s considerate gesture.

“My lady, mayo! Are you alright, mayo?” A soldier called out, approaching the trio with a few other guards.

“I’m fine, no need to worry.”

“That was quick,” Hijikata said, helping Natsuki up from the ground.

“We don’t waste time when it’s about the princesses’ safety, mayo,” the soldier said and helped Natsuki sit on a royal seat with wheels (or a regular wagon, as Gintoki would call it) they had brought with them.

“We will take the princess back to the palace, mayo. Will you be able to continue the journey on your own, mayo?” he asked from Hijikata and glanced at the mayonnaise filled wagon.

“We’ll be fine, you can go,” Hijikata said and gestured the soldiers to leave.

“Understood, mayo. But remember, should anything happen, you can always contact us, mayo”, the soldier reminded and pointed the microphone on the tree. “Though we do our best to follow you from our cameras, mayo,” he added, to which Hijikata just nodded, cursing the cameras in his head.

“Good luck! Take my rucksack with you, in case you need something from it,” Natsuki waved from her seat as she left with the soldiers.

“Let’s go,” Hijikata said flatly and started to pull the mayonnaise wagon after the princess and the soldiers had disappeared from the sight. “You’ll have to carry the rucksack now.”

“Why can’t we carry it on the wagon as well?” Gintoki wondered and was ready to put the bag on top of the mayonnaise boxes. Hijikata however, prevented him from doing so.

“The wagon is heavy enough without any extra burden”, Hijikata argued and shoved the bag back to Gintoki.

“Let’s take only the important items with us, then,” Gintoki said and started to unpack the rucksack. “We can take the cookies and first aid kit and the blankets. And water of course. Rest of the stuff is unnecessary,” he listed and throw the useless items away, like a hair brush and an extra pair of shoes and a few books.

Seriously? Books? The princess had way too much time to pack. Gintoki attempted to toss them to the “garbage” pile, but then the titles of those books caught his attention. _50 tips on how to build a strong and loving relationship,_ Gintoki read, and then glanced the other book. _10 signs he likes you._

“Relationship books?!” Gintoki exclaimed, catching Hijikata’s attention but luckily, he was standing further, and didn’t hear Gintoki’s exact words.

“Hurry up, will you? I don’t care what you leave behind but just make sure that the princesses’ sketch book remains. I guess it means a lot to her,” Hijikata called out impatiently.

“Yeah, yeah, just a second,” Gintoki mumbled absently, staring the books in shock.

It seemed that the princess was taking her blooming relationship with Hijikata seriously. Gintoki riffled the books, words circled with a red pen standing out on the pages. _“Suggest a back rub”,_ “ _If he looks nervous when you touch him, it means he’s into you”, “Offer him his favorite food”, “Eat breakfast in the garden.”_

This was bad, this was really bad. Books like these can be really cunning. At first glance the tips might sound ridiculous but then they turn out to be more effective than a love potion! _Should I tell Hijikata about this? Of course I should! Then these luring advices won’t affect him, and the princess loses her advantage._ Gintoki was ready to show the books to Hijikata but stopped to his tracks.

On the second thought, what would it actually help, showing the books to Hijikata? Knowing him, he would probably just brush it off and say that _tricks like these won’t affect him._ Maybe Gintoki was just overreacting and underestimating Hijikata. There was no way he would fall in love with the princess.

“What are you daydreaming? Hurry up!” Hijikata rushed, approaching Gintoki.

Gintoki quickly teared a couple of pages off and throw the books away in the bushes, and then he folded the pages and put them in the rucksack.

“What are those?” Hijikata questioned, catching a glimpse of the pages.

“What, these? Nothing you should concern yourself with. Just some pieces of paper that the princess would probably miss, haha!” Gintoki laughed carelessly, which sounded suspicious to Hijikata’s ears, but he decided to ignore it this time.

“Fine, let’s go then.”

Gintoki put the rucksack on his back. Princess would definitely miss her books, but it was her own fault for forgetting them and taking them on the journey in the first place. You should always pack lightly when you travel, everyone knows that. Gintoki would come up with some excuse if she would enquire about the books. The few pages he tore off he intended to keep to himself for now. He wasn’t sure for what purpose he could use them for, but they could come handy at some point.

 

They continued their journey until they finally arrived to the first village. Hijikata eyed the people tensely. If it hadn’t been for that mad man’s words earlier, Hijikata would had entered the village much more relaxed. But now every pair of eyes looked threatening. They walked through the village under the observing eyes of the villagers. Some whispered to each other and others pointed Hijikata, but they stopped it whenever Hijikata noticed this. Hijikata was ready to leave the mayonnaise in the middle of the village and just get himself out of there until he spotted a familiar face.

A little girl, wearing a light green dress with flower pattern approached him, smiling shyly.

“Hello, mayo,” she greeted and bowed, staring Hijikata with her big blue eyes.

“Hi,” Hijikata whispered, and gave her a soft smile.

“It’s nice to see you again, mayo,” the girl continued, keeping the eye contact with Hijikata.

“It’s… nice to see you too”, Hijikata said carefully, feeling the gazes around him.

“Did you like the flowers I gave you back then, mayo,” she asked.

“I did, they were great, thanks,” Hijikata said, until he remembered that the flowers he had gotten from her on his way to the palace had been left behind in the wagon he had traveled with. The girl would never find out about it, but Hijikata still scolded himself for forgetting to take them with him back then.

“I could make another bouquet for you, if you want, mayo,” she suggested happily.

“Thanks, but I think it’s the best that you let them grow so that someday they will become as pretty as you,” Hijikata refused kindly, though embarrassed for saying such a cheesy line. The girl, however, didn’t mind it.

“Thank you, my lord, mayo,” she thanked and smiled widely, and it made Hijikata notice how visible her cheekbones were. Had she lost weight since the last time?

“Hoi, bystanders, stop standing there like statues and come take some mayonnaise your prince has brought to you,” Gintoki announced, patting the mayonnaise boxes.

The villagers exchanged disbelieved looks between themselves. The little girl went closer to the wagon and opened one of the boxes and picked up a mayonnaise bottle with her tiny hands.

“Mommy, look, mayo! It really is mayonnaise, mayo!” she exclaimed excitedly, waiving the mayonnaise bottle in her hands.

The girl’s mother dressed in a light blue cotton dress, stepped closer from the crowd. Like her daughter, she looked like she used to have more weight on her. She bowed deeply to Hijikata, her brown bangs swaying in the light wind.

“Is this really for us, mayo?” she asked carefully, taking her daughter closer to her.

“Yes, there should be enough for all the villagers in every village” Hijikata replied, little taken aback by woman’s doubtfulness.

The woman looked at the mayonnaise bottle in her daughter’s hands and then at the wagon.

“Okay, you got one already. Now step aside, so that everyone else can have one too. Come on, form a line, no need to bee shy,” Gintoki ordered, getting tired of the villagers’ hesitation.

One by one, villagers started to move towards them, abandoning their cautiousness. They formed a long line, and everyone waited eagerly to get their share of the mayonnaise. They bowed respectfully and thanked as they got their own bottle. Some even had the courage to exchange a few words with Hijikata.

“We are sorry about our rudeness earlier, mayo” a young man said to Hijikata when he got his mayonnaise. “It’s just that whenever royalties come to a village, they are always accompanied by the guards, mayo. So when there was only the two of you, we weren’t quite sure what was going on, mayo.”

“I understand. No need for an apology,” Hijikata said, and the man gave a relieved smile.

After everyone had been given a bottle, Hijikata and Gintoki continued to other villages. They got the same reception in every village. First people were reserved but soon they warmed up to the two men and talked to them joyfully, clearly enjoying Hijikata’s company, and Gintoki’s as well. There was only one bottle left, when they had shared the remaining mayonnaise in the last village. People were happily talking to Hijikata and Gintoki, when suddenly the relaxed atmosphere was disturbed.

“You really came, then?” The man dressed in rags called out, walking little unsteadily towards Hijikata. People gave way to the man, shock and fearfulness showing in their faces.

“Yeah, and here’s the mayonnaise for you and your wife,” Hijikata replied calmly as he took the last mayonnaise bottle from the wagon and hold it out to the man.

“You must be proud of yourself, being worshipped by the same people whose lives you destroyed,” the man muttered. His attitude towards Hijikata hadn’t changed a bit.

“And you all should be ashamed of yourselves!” He turned his attention to the people around him. “Being all friendly with this bastard when you should be tearing him apart for all he’s done!”

“He’s not the same prince Kenji-san, mayo,” a woman called out from the crowd.

“HE IS! There’s no way I would forget the face of the man who ruined my life!” the man roared to the woman, making her step back frightened.

“Well, at least some justice has happened, judging how you look like now,” the man looked at Hijikata again, smiling spitefully. “Even a few days without mayonnaise would probably finish you off.”

“Ha?”

“Yes, yes, the prince is suffering terribly for losing his original body. Now take the mayonnaise and go home,” Gintoki said coolly and took the mayonnaise bottle from Hijikata’s hand and shoved it to the man.

The man took the mayonnaise while glaring at Hijikata. He spat on the ground, close to Hijikata’s feet.

“You will never bee my king,” he stated contemptuously and left while snarling at the people who dared to look at his way.

“You alright?” Gintoki asked, noticing how Hijikata seemed to just stare to nothingness.

“…Sure… why wouldn’t I be,” Hijikata replied slowly yet casually, and left from Gintoki’s side, only to be surrounded by the people apologizing on Kenji’s behalf.

“About that body thing, I can enlighten you about it…” Gintoki called after Hijikata, but he didn’t hear him over the loud crowd.

As the demon Vice-Chief of the Shinsengumi, Hijikata had used to much more worse insulting than what he got just now. But still, it can’t be easy for being yelled at like that without a reason.

_“He’s not the same prince”,_ someone had said from the crowd. That made Gintoki think. The king had said that Hijikata couldn’t have possibly done anything to these people because “this was his first time here”, but he had also denied that any other prince before him had done either. Even if the man was somewhat crazy, it would still be odd for him to attack a royalty without any reason.

Okay, let’s say Gintoki buys this man’s accusations, then what? The man is quite old already, and Gintoki had no idea how long it had been since his wife and daughter got sick which eventually lead to the daughter’s death. We could be talking about a few years or even a decade, and there must have been many, many princes before Hijikata.

Also, the fact that the man had said that he could never forget the face of the man who destroyed his life should be taken to the calculations as well. So, could it really be possible that there was a Hijikata look-alike who had, god knows for whatever reason, caused troubles in the villages. Then that would mean that the king had lied about Hijikata (or Hijikata-look-alike) not being here before. And because they think he has amnesia, he can’t deny it.

But if that’s the case, then why the other villagers aren’t so angry at Hijikata as this man? Actually, the only thing that seemed to be wrong in these villages, was that they didn’t have enough mayonnaise and food. And more importantly, why on earth would the king want her daughter to marry a man who had supposedly done wrongdoings?

Gintoki ruffled his hair frustrated. Too complicated! This would need Sherlock Holmes or Hercule Poirot to get solved! Maybe he should go and talk to that man again. That’s what the detectives do right? Interrogate the witnesses, or a victim, in this case. He saw how the old man was still walking slowly towards his home. Gintoki would catch up quickly. Gintoki glanced at Hijikata. He was still being surrounded by the friendly villagers. He would be fine alone for a moment.

“Ah, it’s the poodle!” A voice called out behind Gintoki.

“But why his hair is brown? Has it been playing in the mud puddles?” Gintoki turned slowly around to see familiar faces.

“You,” Gintoki said indignantly. The annoying brat trio, who had annoyed the hell out of him when he had travelled to the palace, was standing before him, smirking.

“Thanks for the mayonnaise. How do you want your payment? By bones or a tree branch,” asked the boy who had a lot of freckles on his face.

“By branch. Then I can give you the treatment I promised back then. And after that I’ll tell your parents that rotten and unpolite kids like you don’t deserve a single drop of mayonnaise. Aren’t you supposed to end your sentences with “mayo”?”

“We don’t have to talk politely to a dog,” another boy snickered.

“Well I’m not a dog. Now scram. I have more important things to do than educate you things that your parents should have taught you,” Gintoki said irritated and turned away from the children. _Great, now I lost the old man from my sight._ Then he felt something soft and squeaky hitting him on the back of the head.

“Does the dog want to play with a ball?” The girl teased, waving the ball in her hand.

 

“Thank you for all this my lord, mayo. It was really kind of you to come here, mayo,” an older woman walked with Hijikata.

The sun was setting down, and most of the people had returned to their homes already, for which Hijikata was grateful. Being surrounded by a large group of people wasn’t his cup of tea.

“Don’t mention it. This was the king’s idea anyway,” Hijikata yawned.

Well, that wasn’t completely true, but Hijikata didn’t see any reason for him to take the honor for this either. Besides, if the people thought that this had been the king’s idea, the possibility for a new mad man to attack the palace would lessen. Not that Hijikata was really keen to make the king look more generous than he really was. But Hijikata knew that if these people would raise a mutiny, they would be the losing part in that fight.

“It’s a long way back to the palace, mayo. Would you like to sleep here for the night, mayo?” the woman asked, smiling hopefully.

The suggestion was tempting for Hijikata. They would have to sleep somewhere because going straight back to the palace would be too tiring. And he wasn’t so eager to sleep in the forest either.

“Don’t make any arrangements, Hijikata-kun! I rather sleep with the ghosts than with these little monsters!” Gintoki cried out, his yukata dripping water as he walked, and the three kids were following right behind him.

“Hey, your hair is clean again,” Hijikata noted amused.

“Yeah, thanks to these little brats,” Gintoki snarled, eying the children murderously.

“We washed your guard dog my lord, mayo,” the children said in unison.

“Guard dog?”

“Yeah, our little inside joke,” Gintoki muttered, trying to get water out of his ear.

“I’m still not getting what’s the reason for your angriness?” Hijikata said.

“The water these little geniuses used was from the animal’s trough! You can imagine what kind of aromas my hair is full of now!” Gintoki yelled.

The woman who stood next to Hijikata looked shocked and tried to get words out of her mouth while Hijikata was doing his best to hold back his laugh. Gintoki saw how Hijikata’s lips were twitching and he was going to point that out angrily, but then he realized how rare it was to see Hijikata having such a genuine smile. It was nice to see Hijikata like that. It made him look even more handsome. _Uh… scratch that last one._

“Thank you for your offer, but I guess we will sleep somewhere else,” Hijikata said to the woman and so they left the village.

 

 

“I think this spot is good enough,” Hijikata said after they had walked a while in the forest.

“Ahh, finally. My legs are killing me,” Gintoki moaned as he sat on the ground exhausted.

“Don’t make yourself comfortable yet. We have to fetch some branches to make a camp fire. Unless you want to sleep here in complete darkness?” Hijikata noted.

“Too much work,” Gintoki complained, and took the cookie pack out of the rucksack.

“Even breathing is too much work for you,” Hijikata frowned.

“You are back at the frowning again. Shame, I almost started to like your face without it,” Gintoki said while munching a cookie.

“Shut up, and get to work!” Hijikata exclaimed and turned quickly his back on Gintoki, but not too quickly, so that Gintoki was able to catch a glimpse of Hijikata’s slightly blushed face.

After they had managed to make a campfire and spread out their blankets, the samurais laid down, both sighing deeply.

“I wonder if they let us sleep here or will they come to get us?” Gintoki said, referring to the soldiers on their posts who were probably right now keeping an eye on them from their cameras.

“If they come, then we don’t have to walk our way back to the place,” Hijikata replied absently, staring at the sky.

“Are you alright?” Gintoki asked, after a long silence.

“Why are you asking that again?” Hijikata questioned, his eyes closed.

“Well, after what happened there in the village, I just thought that…”

“That I’m hurt by that crazy man’s words? Do you really think I’m that thin-skinned?” Hijikata said sharply.

“I’m fine, Yorozuya. I’m fine,” he said more softly then, and turned his back on Gintoki.

“If you say so,” Gintoki sighed, and closed his eyes as well.

 

 

At some point in the night, Hijikata woke up in the middle of his dream. The fire had almost flamed out and only noise he could hear was the quiet singing of the birds. But the birds weren’t the ones who had woken Hijikata.

No, he could feel something resting on his body. On his lower body. On his private area to be exact. The fire was still giving enough light so that Hijikata could see the disturbing thing resting on his crotch. It was a hand, and that hand could only belong to…

Slowly, Hijikata turned his head towards the Yorozuya and was ready to knock the lights out from this pervert. Then he heard a slight snoring coming out of the perm-head’s mouth. _He is asleep?!_ What the hell! How is this even possible? When they had gone to sleep they had had a good distance between themselves.

Hijikata checked on his right and saw that the tree he had been next to was now much farther from him. Had he been rolling in his sleep? The Yorozuya started to mumble something in his sleep and at the same time his hand started to grope gently, making Hijikata sweat nervously.

“Hrmh… more.... parfait…hrmhh.”

Parfait? Is this for real? The idiot is dreaming about parfaits! What does he think Hijikata’s crotch is? A parfait?! No, no, NO! This has to end right here right now! He would remove the disturbing hand and then he would go back to sleep and act like this had been just a bad dream. Yeah, that’s what he would do.

With a shaking hand, Hijikata slowly reached towards Gintoki’s hand. But it seemed like the hand had sensed that it was going to be removed, and it started to grope little harder. Hijikata couldn’t help but let out a small moan.

_Focus Toshirou, focus! Just remove the hand nice and slowly. Keep your eyes on the hand. No, wait. Bad idea. Retreat, retreat!!_

Hijikata quickly pulled back his hand just when he was about to touch the Yorozuya’s busy one. There was no way he could do this slowly. It was getting harder and harder every second - to remove the hand, that is. Soon he probably would not even want the groping to stop. No, no, what was he thinking, that’s just ridiculoahh!

Hijikata closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He would get through this. He would remove the hand like it was a bandage. Yes, a bandage. He would take it of fast and painlessly. He reached his hand towards his private area once again, biting his lip to prevent himself from making any embarrassing sounds. He gently took a hold of Gintoki’s little finger and lifted the hand little in the air.

"1,2,3 go!" Hijikata counted and threw Gintoki’s hand away and immediately turned his back on him.

“Wh-what, parfait, where, who, what?” Gintoki woke up and sat up while looking to his left and right puzzled. Then he noticed Hijikata.

“Hey, what time is it? Gintoki asked and pushed Hijikata gently a few times, but he wasn’t giving any kind of reaction.

“How I’m supposed to fall back to sleep after a dream like that?” Gintoki whined to himself as he lied down. It didn’t take more than a couple of minutes until the samurai had fell asleep again.

As for Hijikata, the rest of the night was going be long and sleepless, and the trip back to the palace would definitely be awkward. And now, he really needed a cold shower.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... about that last part, umm... should I change the rating of this fic because of that or was it "innocent" enough? XD I was going to delete that part but well, there it is. 
> 
> Thank you for reading!


	8. Farewell, rival

_Gintoki walked down Edo’s familiar streets and was greeted by familiar faces. It was good to be home. Then he spotted a small shop. Without any hesitation, Gintoki entered the shop._

_As he stepped in, confetti fell from the ceiling, and a voice congratulated him for being the 100th customer in the newly opened parfait shop. “You can eat as much as you want, for free,” the voice said, and happy Gintoki started to order parfaits non-stop, as a salesman behind the counter in the shadows prepared them quickly yet with care._

_As Gintoki enjoyed his endless parfaits, the face of the salesman got visible. And soon Gintoki noticed that the man was Hijikata. He wore a light blue apron and he was smilng at Gintoki in a way he had never seen the demonic Vice-Chief smile before._

_“Here’s another one, Gintoki,” Hijikata smiled gently and handed a delicious dessert to the silver-haired samurai. Although the free parfaits were the greatest joy for Gintoki, he couldn’t ignore the feeling he got from hearing his real name said by Hijikata. It felt nice, more than nice, actually. And yet at the same time, it somehow made Gintoki feel sad._

_“This is a dream. You are not real,” he said flatly to innocently smiling Hijikata._

_“What makes you say that?” dream Hijikata asked, still holding the parfait in his hand, waiting Gintoki to take it._

_“Hijikata would never call me Gintoki. Nor would he smile like that. Not for me, anyway. Unless you are his alter ego, Tosshi. Wait. You are not Tosshi, right? Please tell me you are not him.”_

_“You said this is a dream. You see me as you want to see. I do things you want me to do. I say things you want me to say. I have no control here, though I wish I had. Then I would feed you mayonnaise instead of this sugary crap,” Hijikata’s smile vanished as he dropped the parfait on the floor, a glassy bowl shattering into pieces._

_“Well now you sound a little more like your true self. But I can make you do whatever I want, you say? Okay, I want you to get on your knees and lick that parfait on the floor,” Gintoki ordered, smiling impishly._

_But instead of doing what Gintoki had ordered, Hijikata didn’t move an inch. He just stood still and lit a cigarette instead._

_“Oi, what gives? Do as I say.”_

_“Don’t look at me. I said I have no control over my actions,” Hijikata protested, looking slightly confused._

_“But I didn’t want you to start smoking! I said, go to your knees. You said I have full control over you. You can’t change the rules in the middle of the dream!”_

_“Don’t give me that! This is your dream, you should know how things work here! Seriously. If all of your dreams are illogical like this, I’m surprised you aren’t more idiot than you already are.”_

_“Well you are not a regular subject in my dreams, so I’m sure as hell that your sudden presence here makes everything go weird, so you better get some logic here, brains of the Shinsengumi!”  
_

_"How would that work?! Everything I say is a creation of your brains, so you are just talking to yourself!”_

_“Don’t make this more complicated than it already is! Just clear this mess or wake me up!”_

_“What do you want me to say? That instead of wanting to see me getting on my knees and lick the parfait you want to see me smoking my cigarette because you think I look hot while doing it!!”_

_“Eh?”_

_Hijikata panted slightly from his outburst, biting the cigarette between his lips, “It would be embarrassing for me, to eat the parfait from the floor. And… you don’t want me to feel that way, I guess,” he said carefully, avoiding Gintoki’s gaze._

_“You guess? There’s no guess! I want you to feel embarrassed or I don’t, which is it?” Gintoki demanded._

_“Don’t ask me! You should have your feelings cleared before you drag me into your dreams. You are not ready yet, it would seem,” Hijikata replied._

_“Ready for what? You’re really starting to piss me off with your vague answers, you know.”_

_“You mean you’re annoying yourself, right? Remember, I’m just your imagination…”_

_“Yeah, yeah, whatever. This is one lousy dream. How do I wake myself up? By pinching myself? Auts! Ah, it didn’t work,” Gintoki sighed, rubbing his forearm._

_“Already leaving? We don’t know when I will appear in your dreams again. Why not make the most of it?” Hijikata suggested, as he left from behind the counter and walked slowly towards Gintoki._

_“Thanks, but no thanks. I rather have my arguments with real Hijikata instead of you,” Gintoki waved his hand as he made his way towards the shop’s door._

_“We don’t have to fight. We can do something else if you want,” Hijikata called out, making Gintoki stop on his tracks. “Something you wouldn’t dare to do me with me in reality,” he added, making Gintoki shiver._

_“See? That’s exactly why I want this dream to end! You’re creeping me out! Hijikata doesn’t say things like that!” Gintoki exclaimed._

_“I’m creeping you out? Hardly. Come on Gintoki, this is a dream. Let your imagination run free. It’s not like you to be shy like this.” Hijikata teased, staring Gintoki intensely._

_“Shut up! Just, shut up! Fine, make me more parfaits, and after that you will stand in the corner quietly thorough the rest of this damn dream!” Gintoki ordered irritated._

_Without a word, Hijikata returned behind the counter, and started to prepare more parfaits._

_“What the hell?!” Gintoki exclaimed yet again, when Hijikata was finally bringing two parfaits to him._

_“Huh?”_

_“Don’t huh at me! Look at yourself! Where did those came from?” Gintoki pointed Hijikata with a slightly shaking hand. Hijikata took a look at himself. Suddenly he was dressed in a short black and white waitress dress._

_“Oh. This must be a continuation to your earlier image of me in a nurse’s dress.” Hijikata noted calmly._

_“What kind of reaction is that?! Real Hijikata would be in rage for being dressed like that! And on top of that he would blush like crazy! Stop! I didn’t tell you to blush!” Gintoki hid his face behind his hands, until he felt something bleeding from his nose. No way, was he…? NO WAY!!_

_“Please, let me wake up already! I can’t take this anymore!” Gintoki was almost crying, telling himself to wake up over and over again, until his hands were moved from his face by Hijikata. Hijikata smiled warmly, his blue eyes looking Gintoki comfortably._

_“You’re right, you should go. Get your head straight, and then we can try this again,” he said, holding Gintoki’s hands gently._

_“Try again?” Gintoki repeated uncertainly, the parfait shop around him starting to disappear, and Hijikata as well._

_“Remember who you are.”_

_“Ha? I know who I am, thank you very much and… Wait, that line sounded familiar. You stole someone’s line, didn’t you? Don’t you have any shame?!”_

_“May the force be with you.”_

_“Now you’re just blabbering nonsense! And it’s not even your own nonsense!”_

_“1,2, 3, go!” Hijikata said, as he pushed Gintoki from the shop’s door before vanishing completely._

 

 

 

 

 

”Hijikata-kun, hold up, will you,” Gintoki followed the stiffly walking Vice-Chief through the forest towards the palace. But Hijikata made no attempt to slow down; on the contrary, he seemed to pick up the pace.

Gintoki had no idea what he had done to make Hijikata act like this. When he had woken up, he had found already fully awaken Hijikata packing his equipment and ready to continue the journey. Gintoki had asked a reason for the early bird behavior but all he had gotten for an answer had been angry mumbling. And when Gintoki had asked how Hijikata had slept last night, all hell had broken loose.

“You got some nerve to ask that! After what you did last night!” Hijikata had snapped.

What had he done? Gintoki brains were working hard recalling the last night’s events. Apart from asking Hijikata how he had been holding up after the village incident _(surely that couldn’t be the issue)_ , he couldn’t come up with anything that would make Hijikata snap at him like that. Besides Hijikata’s odd behavior, something else was bothering Gintoki’s mind.

 _That_ dream. It was tiring enough to deal with these new thoughts about Hijikata during daytime but now he had to bear them in his dreams as well. Gintoki had slept in the same bed with Hijikata and spent time with him almost 24/7, so it really had been only a matter of time before the cop would show up in his dreams.

But the dream itself had been something Gintoki could have never expected. There had been too many disturbing things for him to cope with. Only thing Gintoki could calm himself with was the fact that it had been only a dream. No way would he in reality get a nosebleed from seeing Hijikata dressed as a waitress or otherwise find him appealing.

Gintoki felt a sudden heat on his cheeks and in his nose when he recalled that particular moment from his dream. “No, stop it! Think Ketsuno Ana, think Ketsuno Ana!” Gintoki told himself, trying to get the love of his life in his mind.

He did it, but somehow it didn’t have the effect he had hoped for. He could clearly picture the beautiful weather girl in his mind but that was it. Gintoki found her still attractive and admirable but she didn’t evoke in him such strong emotions like she used to. Hijikata on the other hand…

“I’m done for! If even Ketsuno Ana can’t help me to forget that mayora for a second, then what I’m supposed to believe in in this world anymore!” Gintoki cried out, banging his head against the nearest tree.

“Normally I would love to watch you do that or be the one to do that to you but right now we’ve got no time for that,” Hijikata appeared next to Gintoki, staring at him with his arms folded.

“Why are you in such a rush getting back to the palace? Missing the princess that much?” Gintoki teased.

“I have my morning training, remember? I’m already late and the more I’m late, the more that woman nags. Hopefully the king has explained to her why I wasn’t in the last night’s lesson,” Hijikata replied flatly, Gintoki’s bleeding forehead drawing his attention.

“Right, had almost forgotten about that. But from now on you have to deal with her alone. I’m not allowed to attend to those classes because I might disturb you,” Gintoki said, wiping the blood off from his forehead with his sleeve.

“So you got busted? I should have guessed. They can keep secrets from us but we can’t hide anything from them,” Hijikata sighed, rubbing the back of his head.

“Aww, I’m sorry. I didn’t expect you to take this news so hard. Though I understand how it can be devastating for you to continue the lessons without me. Do you still remember when I taught you how to walk?” Gintoki reminisced, pretending to wipe a tear form the corner of his eye.

“Don’t try to act like this is a big deal to me! I’m actually relived that I don’t have to stand your stupid behavior anymore!” Hijikata snarled.

“You say so but in reality you’re already missing our practicing together, don’t you? Remember when we danced tango and you blushed like a little school girl in a prom dance? Yeah, just like that,” Gintoki noted chuckling, making Hijikata blush even more.

“S-shut up! This kind of bullshit is exactly what I was talking about!” Hijikata snapped and turned on his heels and began to walk away. Then he suddenly stopped and turned around.

“By the way, what were you blabbering about when you were hitting your perm head against the tree? You said something about “forgetting mayora”, and by that I assume you meant me?” Hijikata questioned frowning.

Now it was Gintoki’s turn blush. “Oh, that? Well, you know, I-I was just cursing your Shinsengumi. Their Vice-Chief has been away for a while already and they still haven’t come to rescue you. Like they had forgotten you completely,” Gintoki made up, smirking awkwardly.

“They have probably noticed that I’m missing. But how are they supposed to look for me from here when even I didn’t know that a planet like this existed?” Hijikata said, continuing his walking. Gintoki soon followed after him.

 

 

 

“Thank you for your hard work, Mayora the 13th. It must have been a tiring trip but you finished it successfully,” the king congratulated Hijikata, when he and Gintoki had returned to the palace.

They were in the dining room, and the king had just finished his breakfast and was now sitting in his chair casually, the two samurais standing in front of him after they had changed back in to their own clothes: Hijikata to his uniform and Gintoki to his white yukata.

“It was an interesting trip, indeed. A lot of new questions arose when we visited the villages,” Hijikata said coolly, ignoring king’s praising.

“Oh, what is it that’s troubling your mind?” the king asked, looking concerned.

“It doesn’t matter anymore. I got the answers already,” Hijikata said and glanced at nose picking Gintoki next to him.

Gintoki had shared with Hijikata his “Hijikata-look-alike theory” and had otherwise filled the empty gaps in his knowledge, but the puzzle called “Mayora the 13th” had gotten more complicated as the days had gone by.

Hijikata was really starting to consider the option that he would create an escape plan with the Yorozuya to leave this planet, because talking themselves out of here didn’t seem to pay off. Besides, even though no one had talked about it much, Hijikata could sense that the wedding day was approaching dangerously and he really hoped that he would be back on Earth before the “judgment day.”

“Well, if there’s nothing bothering you, I suggest you go to your morning lesson then. Madam Philomena is already waiting for you,” the king said, pointing at the upper floors.

Hijikata didn’t bother to reply. He made a short eye contact with Gintoki before leaving the dining room, a few guards soon going after him and closing the doors behind them.

“Has the security got higher here while we were gone?” Gintoki asked, digging a piece of bugger from his nose and sending it flying to the king’s direction.

“After what happened in the garden yesterday, we can’t be too careful” the king replied, staring blankly at Gintoki’s bugger on the table it had landed on. It was only a few inches away from king’s plate.

“Is that so? Why not let me go with him, then? I can secure him from scary old people even without my _sword_ ,” Gintoki said, emphasizing the last word. Where on earth had these guys hidden it? Probably to the same place where Hijikata’s sword and ID were. Bottom of the ocean perhaps?

“I don’t doubt your fighting skills, quite the opposite,” the king assured as he got up from his chair. “But the prince’s safety is our top priority, and forgive me for saying this, but in that matter, I have more trust in my own guards that in a person that doesn’t treat him like a royalty,” he added, and Gintoki could hear a scolding tone in his voice.

“You mean I’m not helping his highness to remember memories about his past? Him being the prince of the fallen kingdom and stuff like that. Well, there’s a reason for it: he won’t remember those memories because he has never had them in the first place. You should already realize that you’ve mixed him up with someone else.” Gintoki protested.

The king sighed deeply. “We’ve been through this many times already. There’s nothing you can say to make me doubt the prince’s identity. Unless you have something else to say, I suggest that you go to your room,” he said and left the room before Gintoki could say another word.

 

 

 

Exhausted Hijikata walked off from the practice room, the guards immediately following him, and Philomena’s loud nagging echoing in his head. Because he had missed the last night’s lesson, they had trained two lessons at once: proper speaking and dining etiquette. And it was no surprise that Hijikata hadn’t passed the lessons with flying colors.

Apparently, his voice was too quiet and mumbling and his way of eating resembled a cave man-like behavior. To say that Philomena was good at exaggerating things would be underrating. And whenever she didn’t scold Hijikata, she would bemoan the sad fact that Sakata-san, her star student, wasn’t attending to the classes anymore.

Hijikata tried his best not to admit it to himself, but the class hadn’t been the same without that annoying perm-head. Despite all the stupid and irritating stuff he usually did, the Yorozuya could still give Hijikata this… how should he put it? Feeling of safety? No! Nothing was ever safe when that idiot was around.But… Hijikata could trust him.

Hijikata felt powerless, being surrounded by these crazy people who tried to convince him that he was a prince and they wouldn’t hear a voice of reason. But in the middle of this big chaos, there was the Yorozuya standing beside him, giving him a little hope that things would get better eventually. Hijikata snorted amused. The summer heat must be messing with his head for even thinking about it, but he had to admit it; without the Yorozuya he would be screwed. And he was glad. He was glad that the sugar addict was with him. Together they would get through this, one way or another.

Hijikata yawned, as he stretched his arms above his head while walking. He could really use a nice and warm bath right now. He wondered if the palace had some sort of a spa? He could ask the Yorozuya to come with him so that they could plan an escape strategy while relaxing their tense muscles in a bathtub. And maybe they could sip a glass of wine while they were at it.

_Wait… what?_

Hijikata shook his head when he realized what he had just thought of. Why would they drink wine? They had to be sober if they wanted to create a successful plan, and knowing the Yorozuya, it wouldn’t take long until he would be wasted. And a drunken perm-head would be the last thing Hijikata wanted. In his tipsy condition he would probably splash all the water out from their bathtub.

_Huh?!_

What was he thinking? Of course they wouldn’t be in the same bath, no way! They would have their own baths, with a good distance between themselves. And let’s put a folding screen between the tubes as well. Then Hijikata would not have to endure the pain of seeing Yorozuya’s naked body. But on a second thought, Yorozuya’s body was ok looking. So saying it would be painful to look at, would be exaggeration. And more importantly, it would be hard to have a conversation when you could not see each other’s face.

Okay, leave the folding screen out. He could handle a naked Yorozuya, as long as it would only be his upper part that he would have to look at and not his lower part. A flashback of the last night’s events came lively back to Hijikata’s mind, sending a burning sensation down to his lower part. No, a folding screen. Definitely a folding screen! And something for Hijikata to cover his eyes with.

Hijikata was about to go down to the second floor where Gintoki’s room was when Natsuki appeared, running up the stairs with a wide smile on her face.

“Good morning! Have you finished your training already?” she asked eagerly.

“Yeah, I was just considering having a bath. You do have some kind of a spa here, don’t you?”

Natsuki giggled, “What a coincidence, I was just about to suggest the same! Wait till you see the room. It has five different kinds of bathing pools and soft massage tables and chairs. We’ve got also a pool bar in there, so we can enjoy a glass of wine for example,” Natsuki listed enthusiastically, already grabbing Hijikata’s hand to lead him towards the bathing room.

“But I don’t have any bathing equipment with me, I have to get them first. And actually, I wasn’t planning to go with you-,”

“We will find everything we need from there, and if something is missing, servants will bring them,” Natsuki informed happily, completely ignoring Hijikata’s protest.

Hijikata was about to fight back more from getting dragged to the bathing room by the princess but was forced to drop the attempt when he saw the guards behind him staring at him sternly, their spears slightly yet intimidatingly bended towards him. Hijikata had a feeling that this really wasn’t the princess’s idea. Someone else must have been suggesting this, and it wasn’t hard to guess who.

 

 

Awkward. Uncomfortable. Uneasy. Those were the synonyms for the feeling Hijikata currently had. There they were, he and the princess, sitting in the smallest bathing pool of the room. And if that wasn’t enough, the pool was also heart shaped. They were sitting on the opposite sides of the pool, a bubble foam covering their bodies. Natsuki was staring at Hijikata fondly, making him have a great urge to dive under water and stay there.

“Have you enjoyed being here?” Natsuki asked, drawing circles on the water with her hands.

“Enjoy is quite a strong word, wouldn’t exactly use that…”, Hijikata replied clumsily, making Natsuki raise her eyebrows.

“What word would you use then? I hope no-one has treated you badly”, she asked concerned, and then suddenly she looked shocked.“It’s not me, is it?”

“Eh?”

“I knew it! It has to be me. I haven’t shown enough affection towards you like a future bride should. I’m so sorry! I’ve tired to do my best. I even read relationship-books to make our relationship as lovely as possible. Ah, this is terrible!” Natsuki panicked, looking like she was going to burst into tears in any second.

Hijikata tried to cover his slip of the tongue, “No, no, it’s not your fault. How I feel being here doesn’t have anything to do with you. Or… I mean… we are going to get married, and honestly, that’s not something I’m looking forward to that much. So maybe this has something to do with you but not in a way you think-, “

And then the bawling started. Natsuki hide her face behind her hands and sobbingly continued her monolog on how she had failed and that of course there was no way that a handsome and kind prince like him would ever love her. Hijikata felt how he was just digging his own grave deeper and deeper. He hiccupped nervously and glanced at the two wine bottles on the side of the pool, both of them empty. This probably had something to do with the current situation.

They had drunk heavily, though for completely different reasons. Hijikata had drunk to make the uncomfortable bathing even a little bearable, while the princess had just drunk for the fun of it. And now they were in the situation where Hijikata just said whatever came to his mind and Natsuki was over-sensitive for every word.

“Oi, calm down already. Don’t take it to heart. You are… alright. But you have to admit, that this marriage feels a little off. I saved you and now I have to marry you? That’s just too absurd. And it was your father’s idea in the first place that I was going to save you. If I had known that this was the result for saving you, I would have, umm… made another plan that doesn’t involve me saving you directly, so to speak,” Hijikata explained carefully, unsure how Natsuki would react to his words this time.

Natsuki wiped tears from her cheeks, “So, you don’t dislike me? You just don’t want to marry me?” she asked hesitantly.

“Correct,” Hijikata said, relieved that Natsuki had calmed down a bit.

“But why don’t you want to marry me?” Natsuki asked and moved a little closer to Hijikata in the bath.

“I just… don’t. And I can’t. I have things to take care of back home,” Hijikata replied, to which Natsuki raised her eyebrows again in confusion.

“But why would you go back there? The place you used to call home is gone. The people there are gone. There’s nothing for you to take care of anymore,” she said quietly.

“Well, I’m not quite convinced about that story. I’m pretty sure that if I go back home, the people there are sound and well,” Hijikata assured, trying to keep a good distance between himself and Natsuki while she tried to come closer and closer to him.

“But my father said that-,”

“And that’s the other thing. You shouldn’t believe everything your father says. Though I understand how it can be hard. Parents are supposed to be honest with their children after all,” Hijikata interrupted. Natsuki didn’t say anything. She just stared at the water absently with her red, puffy eyes from crying.

Hijikata continued, “You’re a fine woman. You will find someone worth of you someday. I’m sorry for letting things go this far. If you could just talk to your father and make him change his mind about this marriage, I would be grateful. Tell him I have a commitment phobia or something,” he said the last one partly jokingly, and was ready to get out of the pool.

“You have a commitment phobia?” Natsuki asked curiously, her eyes nailed back to Hijikata. Hijikata quickly corrected.

“No, it was a joke. Though you can use it as an excuse to call off the wedding if you want to. Actually, you can say whatever you want, just make sure that your father buys it,” he said and turned his back on Natsuki and started to pull himself out of the pool, until he heard her giggling.

“So that’s what this is all about! You’re afraid of the commitment. And that’s why you’re trying to make up these excuses to call off the wedding,” Natsuki reasoned, “How long have you had that fear? What has caused it? A former bad relationship? Childhood trauma?” she asked eagerly, pulling Hijikata back to the pool and got so close to him that she was almost sitting on his lap.

Hijikata stared at her in horror. No, this is not possible. This is not happening! He just had made things clear with her! He had noticed it from her facial expressions. That the princess had in some level accepted the fact that he wasn’t going to be the husband for her. And now, because of his stupid joke, he was back at the square one!

“You’re such a kind person. You try to protect me by trying to end our engagement so that you won’t hurt me later on by cheating on me or treating me like air,” Natsuki said softly as she caressed Hijikata’s hair gently.

“What?! Why would I do that? If someone has a commitment phobia it doesn’t mean that they do things like that!” Hijikata cried out.

“But don’t worry, I’ll help you. We can take small steps. Together we will overcome this,” Natsuki reassured, her hand slowly sliding down from Hijikata’s hair all the way to his lower back and-

A loud rattle suddenly echoed in the bathing room, startling both Natsuki and Hijikata but they couldn’t see anything. “Hello? Is someone there?” Natsuki asked carefully, looking at the exit of the room where the noise had been heard. There was no answer.

Then the door opened, and someone walked in. “Is everything alright in here, mayo?” a voice asked, and soon a guard appeared from behind the corner, looking at Natsuki and Hijikata a wondering look on his face.

“Yes, we are fine. We just heard some noise just now,” Natsuki replied.

“It must have been this, mayo,” the guard said and showed a bucket on his hands. “It must have dropped from the top of the shelf, mayo,” he figured and put it on the nearby shelf. “Sorry for interrupting, mayo,” he apologized and left the room.

“That bucket…”, Hijikata muttered to himself. He could swear that the bucket had been on the floor, near to the door instead of on the shelf. But who cares? He had bigger problems to solve now than figure where the silver colored bucket’s original place was. Hijikata tried to leave the pool yet again but was dragged back in by the princess, who just kept talking about how to cure him from the commitment phobia.

 

 _That was a close one…_ Gintoki sighed relieved as he stepped out of the bathing room’s closet near the door. He had almost gotten a heart attack. He had successfully sneaked into the bathing room without anyone noticing and now he had been almost busted because of some stupid bucket lying around in the middle of the floor!

Why was Gintoki sneaking around, you may ask? Gintoki wasn’t quite sure himself either but he wasn’t stalking if that’s what you are thinking. Oh no! He was nothing like that stalker ninja of his. He had just come to make sure that Hijikata wasn’t doing anything stupid. And judging the situation, the cop had once again made things more complicated. Gintoki also wanted to check how much more the princess had fallen for Hijikata since the last time in a scale 1 to 10, and the answer was 20.

Gintoki stared at Hijikata and Natsuki from behind the wall that was separating the bathing area from the entrance area. His fingernails scraped the wall irritated when he saw how close Hijikata and the princess were. _“Come on, Hijikata-kun! No need to act polite. Just push her away from you like you would do to me if I was that close to you”,_ Gintoki tried to telepathically advice Hijikata but apparently there were some problems with receiving the message on Hijikata’s end.

Gintoki’s thoughts got distracted when he saw how the princess fed Hijikata mayonnaise covered strawberries. _For the love of god, what are you doing woman?! Ruining delicious strawberries with that yellow crap you call elixir of life! And pay attention will you! Can’t you se that the mayonnaise is running down Hijikata’s jaw? Look, look! It’s on his neck, and now on the shoulders as well! And now it’s continuing its way towards his… well build abs._

Gintoki wondered if it was only a coincidence that his stomach started to grumble from hunger right after he had laid his eyes on Hijikata’s deliciou- erm… abs. Just abs.

_The hunger is clearly messing with my eye sight as well, because that white bubble foam that’s covering Hijikata looks a little like whipped cream. Ahh, whipped cream, I can almost taste it. Yes, on a warm and sunny summer day. Sitting under a tree, no distractions, just me, whipped cream and Hijikata covered under that sweet topping. Hiji…?_

This wasn’t even funny anymore! Actually, it hadn’t been funny at any point! More like scary and weird. Was Gintoki really losing his mind? Hijikata seemed to be in his thoughts around the clock, no matter what he was doing or thinking. Then Gintoki saw something that pushed him over the edge.

The princess was slowly leaning her lips towards Hijikata’s nervously trembling lips. There was no mistaking it, she was going to ki-kiss him?! What to do, what to do?! Gintoki could not allow this! This was just so wrong on so many levels! And what if the cop would enjoy that kiss? Her lips probably tasted like mayonnaise, and mayonnaise addicted Hijikata would surely give into that taste. This was horrible! The princess’ lips were now only few inches away from Hijikata.

“STOOOP!!”

Gintoki yelled at the top of his lungs, running from behind the wall towards surprised Hijikata and Natsuki. Victory! He had successfully prevented that doomed kiss.

Gintoki was so proud of his achievement that he didn’t realize that he was sliding on the wet floor towards the pool where Hijikata and Natsuki were. Only after Hijikata yelled “LOOK OUT!” did the reality hit him. And it hit hard. And it hit Hijikata and Natsuki as well when Gintoki crashed on them, water splashing all over the place and curses echoing in the room.

 

 

 

“How should I have known that the floor was that slippery? The servants are doing really lousy job, not drying the floors properly,” Gintoki tried poorly to explain himself, as he and Hijikata sat in Gintoki’s room, taking care of their wounds.

Hijikata didn’t say a word, as he was sitting on the bed putting band-aids all over his upper body.

“I’m surprised that the princess didn’t insist to take care of your wounds. Surely, she wouldn’t have minded letting her hands wander around your body,” Gintoki continued, while taking care of his own wounds on the red armchair.

“She got quite a strong hit on her head, she’s resting now,” Hijikata mumbled, keeping his back turned towards Gintoki.

“You’re welcome by the way,” Gintoki said as he got his last wound covered with a band-aid.

“What?”

“Yeah, thanks to me you avoided that soul-sucking kiss and didn’t turn into an empty shell.”

“Soul-sucking?! She’s not a dementor, you know!!” Hijikata exlaimed.

“Well she might as well be one, judging how terrified and unable to move you were. Or did you actually want that kiss to happen? I mean, you can’t be blamed for lack of practice in that matter. You suck mayonnaise bottles every day, right?” Gintoki noted, watching how Hijikata was struggling to cover the wounds on his back.

“You’re such a pain in the ass,” Hijikata muttered, constantly failing to put the band-aids on their right places.

“Oh yeah? I think it’s that giant bruise on your ass that makes you feel pain. Therefore, I suggest that you stand up, and the pain will lessen remarkably,” Gintoki noted casually, making Hijikata startle.

“You-! How do you know about that?!”

“Oh, there really is one? It was just a lucky guess,” Gintoki replied, leaning back on his chair. Hijikata decided to change the subject.

“You still haven’t explained what you were doing in the bathing room?”

“You haven’t asked,” was Gintoki’s replay, but when Hijikata gave him the “don’t mess with me” look, he continued, “I wanted to see how you were holding up with the princess, and I was just standby, ready to give you a hand if things would get too complicated and as it turned out, I was there at the eleventh hour to save you.”

“And how did that work out? We are both covered in wounds and the princess is suffering from a headache, or even worse!” Hijikata snapped, staring Gintoki with his demonic eyes.

“Why you care that much about the princess is beyond me. After this incident she might think that marring you isn’t that great an idea and she will make the king call off the wedding,” Gintoki said hopefully.

“That’s unlikely to happen. It will more likely end up with you losing your head and me marrying the princess nonetheless.”

“What brings us to the subject, why aren’t you less charming and more unfriendly with the princess? You might think this marriage as a big no, but your behavior and body language are saying otherwise. Let the demon in you take control. Tell her to commit seppuku or something,” Gintoki advised, noticing how Hijikata’s back was full of band-aids, but a few remaining wounds were still uncovered.

“It’s not that simple. If things are as you say and they have mistaken me for someone who looks like me and who has done something bad to the villagers, me saying a few bad words to the princess won’t be enough to make them cancel the wedding,” Hijikata said.

“There has to be something more than they are letting on. And you should start to be more careful. The king has been oddly tolerant with your blunders, but we can’t be sure how long your luck continues,” Hijikata added, and cursed how he still couldn’t get the band-aids on the right places.

“I wouldn’t worry about that. These people practically worship you, and as long as you are on their good side, I’m safe as well. Besides, what could they possibly do to us? Even if the king would go crazy and wanted to cut our heads off, the princess is so much in love with you that she wouldn’t let anyone harm us. The worst they can do is to banish us, and that’s actually the best scenario for us,” Gintoki reassured as he stood up from his chair.

“Stop, let me handle that. Otherwise you’re never going to get it done,” he said, and moved closer to Hijikata.

“I can do this myself,” Hijikata argued but Gintoki wouldn’t allow that.

“If by that you mean covering yourself with band-aids but leaving the wounds without cover, then sure, you’re doing a great job,” Gintoki mocked, and took a band-aid roll from struggling Hijikata’s hands.

“Lie down,” he ordered.

“Lie down?”

“No time to play a parrot, Hijikata-kun. Down you go,” Gintoki pushed puzzled Hijikata on the bed, his back facing Gintoki.

Hijikata felt nervous when he was lying in front of Gintoki topless. He tried to take glances of what the Yorozuya was doing, but the perm-head always set his head back on its place, facing forward.

“You better do this quickly,” he rushed Gintoki.

“Don’t rush the artist. These wounds are different sizes; I’ll have to shape the band-aids with scissors so that they match the wounds.”

“It doesn’t matter what sizes they are! Just put something on them and be done with it!”

“Do you really want me to do that? But if you want to tear half of your body hair off from your back when you take these off, then sure.”

“Alright, alright, you made your point,” Hijikata gave up, and Gintoki got to work.

Gently, Gintoki touched Hijikata’s bare back, making the cop flinch a bit. Not hearing any complaints, he continued to explore Hijikata’s back, his fingers slowly and carefully sliding down the skin next to the wounds.

“What are you doing?” Hijikata asked hesitantly, trying to see what was happening behind him.

“I’m just measuring the wounds so that I know how much I’ll need band-aid to cover them.”

“Is it really necessary to use your fingers to find out? Can’t you just visually measure?” “

"Hush now. Don’t disturb while doctor Sakata is in the middle of his operation,” Gintoki replied and turned Hijikata’s curious head away again.

No, touching Hijikata like this didn’t help him in any way covering the wounds, but the urge to touch his bare back had been too strong to fight against. Gintoki knew very well that something was wrong with him, and once again he could have kept an inner monologue to himself on why he wanted to touch Hijikata so badly. But this time he decided to go with the flow, ignoring every sense of reason.

Hijikata’s skin was soft and occasionally Gintoki’s fingers could feel some old scars standing out from the otherwise smooth skin. He placed the first band-aid on its place, making sure that it covered the whole wound. He hoped that none of these wounds would leave new scars on Hijikata’s body. Hijikata didn’t say anything, but Gintoki could sense how tense the dark-haired man was.

Whenever he took his hands off from Hijikata, he relaxed a little bit, and when he touched again, the cop stiffened. Gintoki was almost ready, but he didn’t want to stop. Whatever it was inside him that made him enjoy the touch of Hijikata’s skin, it wasn’t going to leave him anytime soon. Hijikata started to rise up when Gintoki had placed the last band-aid.

“Is it done? I need to stretch a little. My shoulders are killing me.”

“Wait!” Gintoki exclaimed, pushing Hijikata back on his stomach.

“Oi! What’s the big idea? Let me get up!” Hijikata complained, trying to get himself free from Yorozuya’s strong hold.

“If your shoulders are aching, a little stretching won’t do anything. A massage is the right solution,” Gintoki said.

“I don’t want any massages! Do you even know how to massage? You will only make me feel more pain!” Hijikata protested, still struggling on Gintoki’s hold.

“Stay still or I will have tie you up on this very bed. And that would be an interesting sight to see, to say at least,” Gintoki said, and loosened his grip from Hijikata when he seemed to calm down a bit.

“You aren’t going to let this go, now are you? Fine, release your inner masseur if that’s what you want. But I keep the right to tell you to stop when I want or it’s seppuku for you,” Hijikata threatened.

“Well aren’t you a dangerous client. Maybe I really should tie you up so that you won’t attack me. It was a joke!” Gintoki added quickly when Hijikata was about to lash back at him.

“Here we go…” Gintoki said quietly to himself as he placed his hands on his “client's” shoulders and started to massage gently. He tried to be as gentle as possible, minding Hijikata’s fresh wounds.

 _Suggest a back rub. Huh. Not bad from a relationship book_.

Though Gintoki wasn’t doing this massaging in a romantic approach, it had still given him a little extra time to enjoy Hijikata’s silky skin for a reason unknown. He had read the book pages he stole from the princess many times over in lack of better things to do, and surprisingly they had been quite entertaining as well as educational.

A soft moan woke Gintoki from his thoughts. Well that was unexpected.

“Are you enjoying this?”

“Uh… n-not really. J-just waiting for you to stop.”

And that was expected.

Gintoki couldn’t help but feel a little proud of himself. Well, he was the Yorozuya after all. The man of many talents. Making the demon Vice-Chief let out a voice like that was a good addition to his achievements. Not that anyone would believe him if he ever told it to someone. And Gintoki had a feeling that Hijikata wasn’t going to allow him to say a word about this. It would be seppuku for him then.

Gintoki continued to massage a little longer, until his hands started to wear out. Now he had touched Hijikata as much as possible. That should do the trick. He had given in to this one odd urge, so if he had figured things out correctly, the weird thoughts about Hijikata should start to vanish soon. Gintoki had a theory you see. Or not really a theory, frankly, he had no idea what was going on in his head.

But he had concluded that fighting against these thoughts and images about Hijikata would be a never-ending battle. And as the famous phrase goes, “if you can’t beat them, join them.” So now, that he had given in to one of these weird desires of his, he should have peace after this. This was probably just some weird phase he was going through right now, and what was most likely caused by this planet. (Seriously, anyone, who loves sugar as much as him would eventually go crazy for being surrounded by this much mayonnaise related things)

“There. Rise young man, and enjoy the unbearable lightness of your shoulders,” Gintoki gestured Hijikata to get up.

“Did you hurt your head badly back there?” Hijikata asked as he got up from the bed.

“No. Auts!”

“How about now?”

“Yes!”

“Good.”

“What’s with that?! I give you a relaxing massage and you hit me on the head for that?” Gintoki yelled, holding his head.

“You’re acting weird. Or more than usual, that is,” Hijikata replied, putting his uniform jacket back on.

“You think this is me being weird? Hijikata-kun, I’m almost hurt, you don’t seem to know me at all, “ Gintoki laughed off Hijikata’s suspicions.

“I guess I should be grateful for that,” Hijikata said quietly, staring out from the window with an absent look.

Something was off with him now, Gintoki could sense it. “What’s the matter?” he asked.

“What are we going to do, Yorozuya?” Hijikata sighed, still facing the window while he lit his cigarette. “I’m really getting tired of this.”

“Join the club. I’ve been sick of this since day one, and I mean literally. This mayonnaise scented air is not good for me,” Gintoki answered, his eyes wondering around the room.

"Then what do you suggest we do?” Hijikata asked, smoking his cigarette eyes closed.

“Jump out of the window and hope that there’s a hay wagon to soften our landing and then we lit that hay wagon with your lighter and we push our way out of this place by using that burning wagon as our shield,” Gintoki said poker-faced, but he didn’t get any comment from Hijikata.

“No? Well how about we-, “

“It’s good,” Hijikata suddenly said, “That plan of yours. Or it would be, if there was a hay wagon under us. But I can’t detect one,” he noted, making Gintoki wonder was he dreaming right now.

“Now look who’s acting all weird. The massage was supposed to soften your shoulders, not your brains,” Gintoki chuckled.

“I can’t afford to criticize your suggestions, when I can’t come up with anything myself,” Hijikata replied and turned around to face Gintoki, looking serious. “My way of getting us out of here hasn’t worked. Trying to reason with these people is impossible. I guess it’s time that we use your way, go out guns blazing and such.”

“You must be really desperate, putting all your hope on me,” Gintoki smirked.

“You are the Odd-jobs, right? This is just another job for you. I’ll pay back when we get back home,” Hijikata said as he stubbed out the cigarette. Gintoki didn’t say anything, just stared at Hijikata with his dead eyes while poking his nose with his finger.

“Well? Did your finger finally reach your brains and shut down all the function in there?” Hijikata demanded impatiently.

“I’m just waiting for you to ask,” Gintoki smiled smugly, frustrating Hijikata even more.

“Ask what?”

“To help you. Or save you, choose yourself.”

“I already did!”

“Really? All I heard was how you praised my plan and how you wish to escape but I don’t recall you asking my help directly,” Gintoki reminded, enjoying this little teasing with Hijikata.

“There are a lot of things you don’t recall. Your brains have rotten from an over-dose of sugar so much that you can’t even remember your client’s names.”

“Hey, hey, I’m a professional. Remembering your client’s name is the cornerstone of any successful company, Oogushi-kun.”

“Hit on the head or kick on the leg, take your pick,” Hijikata snarled, stepping forward threateningly.

“Wow, no need to get violent! Just say, ‘please Gintoki, help me to escape from this terrible planet and I will reward you greatly’,” Gintoki mimicked Hijikata’s voice, acting desperate, which was the last straw for the cop.

“You asked for it, Yorozuya.” Hijikata couldn’t put his threat on the action though, because there was a knock on the door. They both went to open it, and behind it stood five guards, spears on their hands.

“Sorry boys, private event. Better luck next time,” Gintoki said quickly. This could only mean bad news. He quickly closed the door, sighing relieved, until he noticed that Hijikata wasn’t in the room anymore. _Well that was more than quick._

“Hey! Where do you think you are taking him?” Gintoki opened the door and yelled after the two guards, who were walking Hijikata down the hallway.

“We’re taking the prince to his own room, mayo,” one of the guards simply stated, and continued his way.

“Why? What’s wrong with my room?” Gintoki demanded, ready to sprint after Hijikata.

“You,” said a voice next to him.

“AAH! Not once but twice! Seriously old man! If you do this to me one more time, I swear I tie a cowbell on your long beard! Then we’ll see how your ambushes work,” surprised Gintoki ranted to the smiling master of sneaking, Tomohiro.

“If you set your mind on something, nothing is impossible. There’s always a way,” Tomohiro replied calmly, caressing his beard.

“So is that what you do all day long?! Plan how to sneak up on me every day?! No wonder intruders can come here without noticing when you all are just focusing on scaring the living hell out of respectable people like me!”

“It take’s a sneaker to catch a sneaker,” Tomohiro said cheerfully.

“Well you can take your _sneakers_ and go to your elderly day-walk or play bingo, or whatever old people usually do. Now excuse me, I have a prince to catch,” Gintoki finished the conversation in order to follow Hijikata, but he had hardly taken a single step when the three remaining guards were already surrounding him.

“I suggest that you take a piece of advice from the old man,” Tomohiro said more serious now, as he stood next to the guards.“You’ve admirably kept company to the prince and supported him even though he’s having a hard time because of his amnesia. But I think now it’s the right time to back away a little, and let the prince stand on his own feet.”

"And dragging him forcefully from my room is the first step?” Gintoki snorted amused. “What are you trying to accomplish with this?”

“The prince and the princess will soon get married, and as a married couple they will spend much more time together than what they do now. The prince will also begin his training to become a king, and you being with him every moment isn’t necessary or really that advisable. Slowly you will move from the front line to stand in the back line, in a figure of speech,” Tomohiro explained, and gestured Gintoki to go back to his room.

“And what if the marriage doesn’t happen and Hijikata won’t become a king? Where am I standing then?” Gintoki called after Tomohiro from the door when the old man was already walking away.

“Hopefully somewhere,” Tomohiro said quietly and soon disappeared from the hallway.

The guards stared at Gintoki blankly, standing right in front of him, not leaving him any other direction to go than his own room. He went inside and was about to close the door behind him when he heard a familiar voice calling him.

 

 

 

Tomohiro walked on the quiet hallway, a few guards passing him by every now and then. The tip of his long grey beard trailed down the floor. _I should cut this shorter,_ he thought. _The king said he considers a cleaner’s job for me because I have a duster attached to my face._

How original, like he hadn’t heard that before.

Tomohiro had already got used to the king’s lousy jokes, but the problem was that sometimes the king’s jokes didn’t stay as jokes but became a reality instead.

Tomohiro stretched gently his right arm’s wrist. He had written over 1000 wedding invitations in only few days, and his hand had started to show signs of aching already when he had finished 100th invitation. And from then on, the pain had only gotten worse, making the hand almost impossible to use now. At his age, that amount of writing was way too much and too tiring. 

 _And he knows it._ _That’s why he signed that job to me._  

This was the life he was living right now. In the shadow of the king, Tomohiro could only stand back and watch how the man who was once like a brother to him now destroyed all the things that made him love this kingdom so dearly. The time when everything had been peaceful, full of laughter and joy, felt so distant, that it made him doubt if those beautiful days had ever actually existed?

Tomohiro was heading towards his own room when he noticed that a room that was before his own had its door open. He didn’t hear any noises but he was sure that the owner of that room was present. As quiet as possible, Tomohiro turned on his heels and tip toed away from the room.

“Tomohiro!” came a loud yell from the room.

Tomohiro closed his eyes, sighing deeply. What was the use of his great sneaking ability if it didn’t help him in situations like this? Slowly, he walked back towards the room, mentally preparing himself to take in whatever the king had in his mind this time.

The king stood in front of his desk, staring Tomohiro with clear anger in his eyes.

“You called me, my lord,” Tomohiro said calmly while bowing deeply.

“I've had enough with those two men! Especially with that sliver haired baboon!” The king barked.

“My lord, I’m afraid I’m not quite following you,” Tomohiro replied calmly.

“You know very well what I mean! Since the very beginning that Sakata-san has brought nothing but trouble and put the whole plan in danger!” the king spluttered, the rage in his eyes getting more visible as he went on.

“I must have been out of my mind when I trusted in you when you said that this Sakata-san would help us to keep the prince here," the king sighed, rubbing his forehead, "It’s clear that he’s not going to leave without the prince, and the prince has no intend to stay here either!” he raised his voice again as he slammed his fist on the desk, making Tomohiro to blink once from the sudden loud noise.

“Do you have any idea how hard it has been for Natsuki to try to get closer with the prince while that idiot is following them everywhere? And now she’s hurt because of him!”

“It was with his help that the prince was able to save the princess from the mayo lizard,” Tomohiro finally said. “And as far as I know, he, nor the prince, doesn’t know the truth. They are only guessing,” he reminded, keeping his voice as neutral as possible.

“The prince would have succeeded in that by himself, and you know it. And it’s only a matter of time before they figure out the whole thing,” the king replied sharply, walking closer to Tomohiro.

“Why do you defend him? Why do you seem to want to keep him here so badly?” he asked, and soon a vicious smile formed on his lips when he realized something.

“Of course, he reminds you of him. How could I have forgot that? The guards have told me that when ever you have a little quarrel with this Sakata-san, you seem like a different person, smiling and seemingly enjoying your exchange of words with him. And now this all makes sense,” the king said gleefully, and looked like a school boy who had just solved a difficult puzzle. "

"That man… it’s like having your dear _Tatsuya_ back, isn’t it?” the king rolled the name on his tongue.

And that question made Tomohiro drop his gaze from the king’s sharp eyes. After all these years, he still couldn’t stand to hear it. Hear his son’s name said by that very man in front of him.

“Well I hope that you enjoyed your time with him, because it’s about to end,” the king said coolly as he was making his way towards the doorway. “I have a job for you by the wa-,”

"You ruined him,” Tomohiro interrupted with a quiet, trembling voice, trying his best not to shed any tears. “You ruined him, and that’s what you are going to do to this new prince as well,” he said louder now, and was soon pulled back forcefully from his collar to face the king.

"Don’t you dare to talk to me like that! You should consider yourself lucky that you are still living here instead of some old shack where a scum like you belongs to,” the king snarled close to Tomohiro’s face, looking like a maniac.

“Just say the word, and I leave,” Tomohiro dared, making the king tighten his grip from Tomohiro.

“Here is what we are going to do: you go to Natsuki’s room, and check how she’s doing, and then you stay there and make sure that she doesn’t come downstairs,” the king ordered, and shoved Tomohiro away forcefully, making the old man hit his head on the desk.

“Where is he?” Tomohiro asked from the floor, holding his hand on his slightly bleeding forehead. “Where is the king I respected and loved?”

“He died…on the same day his wife did,” the king replied hoarsely, before disappearing to the hallway.

 

 

 

Hijikata was lying on his bed, staring at the ceiling. This was hopeless. He should be planning their escape with the Yorozuya right now, and here he was, laying on his bed doing nothing. He had tried to leave his room, but the two guards standing in front of his door hadn’t allowed that. Hijikata had tried to fight back, but he had only been pushed back to his room.

It felt odd, being in his own room. It was twice as big as the Yorozuya’s room, and everything looked more expensive and fancier, from velvet curtains to a golden water tap in the bathroom. It was too fancy to Hijikata’s liking. The Yorozuya’s room had been more comfortable, with its simple and less expensive furniture. But the main reason why the room felt so uncomfortable was simply the fact that the perm-head wasn’t there. There, he had admitted it, without any hesitation.

Hijikata was also worried that someone could come to his room in any second and drag him to somewhere where he didn’t want to go or make him do things he didn’t want to do. Hijikata hit his bed frustrated. Damn it! Why did this have to happen to him? Then, without a warning, the door opened, and the man with the silver hair stepped in, grinning ear to ear.

“Missed me?” Gintoki asked cheerfully, closing the door behind him carefully.

“Wha-, how did you-?” Hijikata was lost for words as he jumped off from his bed. Somehow this guy had managed to surprise him yet again.

“How did I get pass the guards, you mean? Oh, it was easy. I bribed them,” Gintoki said, and smiled like there was no tomorrow. Hijikata’s attempt to smile on the other hand, vanished as soon as he heard that.

”Bribe! Are you out of your mind?! All these people are clearly devoted to their king. They will immediately tell the king about you attempt to bribe them and god knows what then happens!”

“Calm down. I didn’t try to bribe them with money or anything. I don’t even have money and secondly, they would have never accepted it. I’m not an idiot even if you like to think that way. What I offered them was more effective”, Gintoki grinned, and showed a little purple perfume-like bottle.“I offered to them a good, long night’s sleep. Whether they wanted it or not. I got this from Philomena”, Gintoki explained, seeing Hijikata’s questioning look.

“I was forced to go back to my room, when Philomena appeared on the hallway, and she was more than happy to see me. She invited me to her room to enjoy a cup of tea, and even the guards couldn’t stop her from taking me with her. And there we were, enjoying our tea, though I knew that I had to get to your room because I knew how lonely you would be without me.”

“I wasn’t lonely!”

“I told her that I have troubles with falling asleep, so she offered me this “sleep well” smelling salt. One sniff of this and you fall asleep for many hours and you won’t wake up even if there was an earthquake,” Gintoki smiled, clearly proud of himself.

“Smelling salt?” Hijikata questioned, “Isn’t smelling salt usually used for to arouse consciousness?”

“Yeah, but this makes you lose it. To be honest I’m not even surprised anymore. These people may be a little cunning but they sure invent funny stuff,” Gintoki chuckled. “Of course, she didn’t give this to me freely but you know how she has hots for me, so only thing I had to do was-“

“Please, don’t. I don’t want to hear it,” Hijikata covered his ears.

“It’s not what you think.”

“No, it’s probably worse than I think.”

“Anyway”, Gintoki continued, “After that I left her room and took the guards down who were guarding our doors and came here to save you from your loneliness,” Gintoki declared happily and speared his arms like he was waiting for Hijikata to hug him in gratitude.

“You are the lonely one,” were the only words that Hijikata said, before going back to his bed.

“Well aren’t you sweet and charming,” Gintoki called after him. “I sacrificed my body to get the smell salt and this is how you thank me? Not thanking me at all?”

“I never asked you to do such a thing. And what the hell?! You said that you didn’t get the bottle the way I thought, and now you just revealed that it was exactly the way how you got it!” Hijikata yelled.

“So what did you think?” Gintoki asked curiously.

“N-nothing,” Hijikata stuttered and hid under the blanket so that Gintoki couldn’t see his blush of which they were both completely aware of.

“Oh, I didn’t know you have such a dirty mind, Hijikata-kun. But fear not, your not-so innocent mind can rest in peace. I didn’t do what you think I did,” Gintoki reassured and walked slowly towards the bed.

“I don’t think the way you think I think!” came a yell under the blanket.

“Oh come on, we both know that all great minds think alike,” Gintoki teased. Agilely like a cat he jumped on the bed and rolled next to Hijkata.

“Only great thing about you is your never shutting mouth,” Hijikata mumbled, still under the covers, though he felt how close Gintoki was next to him.

“So you like me talking then,” Gintoki figured, and was staring at the blanket covered cop.

“No! I meant that your mouth is great, as in big or huge!”

“Well I’m not so sure about that. But I do have one organ that can be described as big or huge and-“

Even though the kick was wrapped in the blanket, it still hurt when Hijikata’s foot hit Gintoki’s private part. After recovering from the sudden attack to his lower part, Gintoki made himself more comfortable on the bed.

He had spoken the truth though. He really did have one big organ that had suffered from sadness and loss, but it had also experienced happiness and kindness. And right now, it was beating hard in his chest, the beat getting faster and faster when he thought about the man lying next to him.

His plan had failed. The thoughts about Hijikata hadn’t lessened at all. What he was feeling towards the mayo lover wasn’t normal, and he knew that it wasn’t caused by the planet’s air or some other reason what he had tried to use as an excuse to avoid the facts. All the dreams and odd desires about Hijikata… there was only one answer to those. It just felt so absurd, even in Gintama standard!

But there was no point to act anymore like that answer didn’t exist. All that remained was whether Gintoki accepted it or not. And he wasn’t going to accept it. It would be the best. For him as well for Hijikata. He would push these feelings away as long as he could, even if he would have to see Hijikata in his dreams every night for the rest of his life. The thing that mattered the most right now was to get them both safely back home.

"We are in this togehter."

 

“Hm?” came a voice under the blanket.

_Oops. Did I say that out loud?_

Gintoki cleared his throat. “Just to let you know. No matter what, I’m taking you home. So you better prepare yourself to buy me all those parfaits you own me,” Gintoki smirked, poking Hijikata.

Hijikata took the blanket off him and turned his head towards Gintoki. “Action speaks louder than words, you know?” he said, before flashing a small smile.

Gintoki was about to relieve his new escape plan, when suddenly the door flew open, and five guards stepped in, making both of the men to jump off from the bed.

“Follow us, mayo. Both of you, mayo,” one guard ordered strictly, while the other guards came to chase Gintoki and Hijikata away from the room.

They went out and saw how a few guards tried to wake up their comrades by the door, the ones Gintoki had knocked out with his smelling salt. It didn’t take long until the guards found the smelling salt inside of Gintoki’s yukata when they suspiciously searched him.

 

They came to the dining room where the king was already waiting, sitting on his chair behind the table. There were some leftovers on the table from the dinner which the king had apparently enjoyed just now.

“It’s usually good manners to inform your guests when there’s a dinner served,” Gintoki called out when he and Hijikata were made to stand in front of the table.

“Oh, I’m sorry. I thought that by now you already knew when there’s food served,” the king said surprised, digging crumbs of food from between his teeth with a toothpick. “And don’t tell me that Madam Philomena didn’t serve you something to eat when you enjoyed a cup of tea with her,” he continued, nailing his gaze to Gintoki.

“I guess it slipped from her mind,” Gintoki replied casually, looking right back at the king. Of course the king had found out about his little visit. Gintoki would have been surprised if he hadn’t.

“So what’s the reason for this little gathering? Is there some mayo lizards to slay or mayonnaise to transfer to the villages?” Hijikata cut to the chase, finding the atmosphere in the room tense. There had always been guards in the room, but now instead of five or six there were over ten guards watching them. What was going on?

“Oh, it’s nothing like that,” the king assured, turning his gaze from Gintoki to Hijikata. “We are just having a little meeting. A little chit-chat, that’s all,” he said smiling, which didn’t exactly calm Hijikata. Quite the opposite.

“Hoi, Mr chairman! I have a proposition for the subject of our little chit-chat,” Gintoki waved his hand like asking for a permission to speak. “It’s called let us go or we turn this palace into a battle field.” The king chuckled.

“What a coincidence. That’s exactly what I’m going to talk about,” he said, surprising the two samurais. “You see, I’ve realized that you are not something that our kingdom needs,” he continued as he walked up to Hijikata and Gintoki.

“What our kingdom needs are people we can trust on. Trust on that they will do everything they can to make this planet better place for everyone to be,” he said and friendly put his arms around Hijikata’s and Gintoki’s shoulders as he stood between them.

“You are going to need more than trust to fix this planet,” Gintoki said and glanced at puzzled looking Hijikata. The cop couldn’t believe his ears. Was the king really going to let them go? After all the struggling, it would be this easy?!

“Perhaps you’re right,” the king agreed. “But be that as it may be, I thank you for your… erm… services, and wish you a safe trip back home,” the king smiled, patting the samurais on their backs.

“You know, I’ve really been on my limits to punch you on the face. And actually, I still am but I’ll let you off the hook,” Gintoki replied and released himself from the king’s hold. “And just a little tip: before you start fixing this planet, I suggest that you start from yourself. Come, Hijiakata-kun. Let’s go home!” Gintoki waved his hand as a signal for Hijikata to follow as he walked towards the door.

“I’ve never earned a paycheck this easily. Glad to do business with you,” Gintoki said to Hijikata, until he noticed that the cop wasn’t walking next to him. Gintoki turned around, and the sight before him couldn’t have surprised him more. Hijikata was being hold from his arms by the two guards, while a few others were pointing their spears at his back.

“What’s going on?” Gintoki demanded angrily.

“It’s like I said,” the king smiled smugly as he stood in front of Hijikata. "We don’t need your services anymore, Sakata-san. Actually, we have never needed them. You were only an extra. The prince was the only one we ever wanted,” he explained.

The king patted Hijikata on the head which made him attack the king fiercely. But the guards held Hijikata tight, and hit him on the stomach, making Hijikata grunt slightly from the pain.

“Hoi!” Gintoki protested, taking a step forward and so did the remaining guards, who weren’t surrounding Hijikata. They stood between him and Hijikata intimidatingly with their weapons, ready to attack.

“There’s no need to make a fuss about this,” the king said as he walked closer to Gintoki, the guards following him. “I promise we will take good care of the prince. You can go home and continue your life without care in the world,” he grinned, which just angered Gintoki even more.

“You bastards,” Gintoki snarled and took a quick step towards a guard in attempt to steal his weapon, but the guard was prepared and hit Gintoki with his spear, leaving a long wound on his shoulder.

“I wouldn’t do that if I was you,” king warned as he walked closer to Gintoki, until he was only a few inches away from him. “Unless you want to see the prince bleed like a stuck pig,” he whispered, so that only Gintoki could hear him.

Gintoki looked over to Hijikata who was still struggling in the two guard’s hold, but he didn’t seem to notice the spears that were pointed at his back.

“You have two choices,” the king continued whispering, his eyes following closely Gintoki’s every facial expression. “Either you take one more step forward, and the prince will die, or you walk away, and his life will be spared,” he said slowly. “And the funny part is, no matter which one you choose, you lose,” he smiled triumphantly.

Gintoki’s fists shook from anger. Nothing would bring him more pleasure now than beating this guy up. But he was right. No matter what he would choose, he would lose Hijikata to these people. There were too many guards to fight against without his sword. And even if he had his sword or any kind of weapon, he would barely even have time to use it, before those bastards would kill Hijikata. So, the only option that was left was…

He looked at Hijikata one more time, before slowly turning around and walking away. He felt how the guards followed him as he made his way towards the doorway.

“Oi! Yorozuya! Where are you going?!” Hijikata yelled after Gintoki while he tried to get himself free.

“Yorozuya!”

“Put him in handcuffs,” Gintoki heard the king ordering.

“Get your hands off me! Yorozuya get back here! You said we were in this together!!” Hijikata kept yelling, but Gintoki didn’t stop.

 _Just few more steps…_ Gintoki fought back the urge to turn around, trying his best to ignore Hijikata’s hopeless yelling. He could not save him now.

 

“Yorozuya!"

 

_Just few more steps…_

 

“GINTOKI!!”

 

Gintoki stopped in his tracks. _Why? You could have used my name whenever. Why would you choose to say it now?_ he thought bitterly. Gintoki felt sharp poking on his back. He had to carry on.

And so he did, as he left the room, leaving shocked Hijikata behind.

“Gintoki!" Hijikata kept yelling his name. He had noticed that saying his real name had been effective, so he tried again. But Gintoki wasn’t returning anymore.

 

 

 

The guards had taken Gintoki to the front gates of the palace. “Have a safe trip back home, mayo,” one of the guards who was in charge of the gate said. He probably had no idea what had happened inside the palace.

“Can I finally have my sword back?” Gintoki said in hollow voice. The guards looked at each other hesitantly.

“Don’t tell me you are scared of a piece of wood?” Gintoki scoffed, when the guards started to mumble amongst them. Then one of them finally spoke.

“Very well, mayo. Please go through the gates, mayo,” he instructed Gintoki, who obeyed. As soon as he had stepped outside, the gates behind him closed. For a moment Gintoki though that they had tricked him, until a small window opened from the gate, and a guard’s face appeared from it.

“Please step back, mayo,” he said, and when Gintoki backed away, his sword was dropped from the window before it was closed again.

And so Gintoki was left alone in the darkening evening.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the late update! This wasn't an easy chapter to write and the next one will probably take time as well.  
> Anyway, in the next chapter we will finally get some answers to the questions. (or at least I hope so)
> 
> Thank you for reading and Happy New Year!


	9. Sins of the past

A throbbing pain in Hijikata’s head was almost unbearable. He had trouble standing on his feet, for the pain made him feel dizzy. He hadn’t let himself to be handcuffed without a fight and now he payed for it with a terrible headache. He could have endured hits on his upper body or legs for a while but the guards had attacked his nape and head without hesitation, which had made his resistance short-lived. And after that, they had brought him to a room that no doubt was the king’s office.

He could feel a dried blood trail sticking on his forehead. The handcuffs had also been put on his wrists tightly and they were pressing his skin painfully. In short, Hijikata wasn’t feeling that great. Heck, even the wounds from that bathing-incident hadn’t healed properly yet, so practically he had no body part that didn’t hurt. But even all this pain that Hijikata felt in his body couldn’t match the pain he felt mentally.

It all had happened in seconds, and before he had even realized it, the Yorozuya had left him behind. After all that big talk from him, he had left Hijikata to his fate, without looking back. Hijikata had called the Yorozuya’s name over and over again until he had been silenced.

" _We are in this together” my ass. A couple of spares are being pointed at you and you immediately run away tail between your legs. White Demon? More like a white chicken_ , Hijikata thought bitterly. He could still taste blood in his mouth, thanks to these idiots who had split his lip open. But that wasn’t the only thing that brought a foul taste in his mouth.

He wasn’t thinking clearly because of the pain. Even if Hijikata liked to think otherwise, he knew it deep inside. That Gintoki had made the right choice. Sometimes you have to save yourself first, so that you might have a chance to save others later. Or at least that’s what Hijikata liked to believe to be the reason for Gintoki’s decision, even though there was no guarantee that the perm-head would come back for him. But to fall into despair wasn’t an option for Hijikata. The only one he could rely on now was himself and his brains, which wasn’t much said, now that his head felt like it was stuffed with kettledrums rather than with any bright ideas.

Hijikata could hear a door behind him opening, and he was immediately made to stand straighter by the two guards who held him. And soon the man whom Hijikata would have loved to torn into pieces appeared in front of him, careless smile on his face.

“Well, how are we doing here? Have we calmed down already?” the king asked innocently, looking at Hijikata’s blood-thirsty eyes.

“Oh, look at that! There’s some nasty blood on your forehead, let me take care of that,” the king bemoaned as he took a napkin from his purple colored suit’s pocket and spit on the napkin to moisten it, before wiping the dried blood off from Hijikata’s face. “There, that’s better,” he said contented.

“Touch me like that again and there will be blood on your face to take care of,” Hijikata threatened gruffly as he tried to take a step forward but was held still by the guards.

“Oh dear. I guess we’ll have to keep those handcuffs on you for a little longer,” the king sighed and threw the napkin in a trashcan. “And how I hoped that we could have sat down and talk like civilized adults over a cup of tea,” the king said as he poured two cups of tea over his desk.“Do you want some? You must be thirsty,” the king offered the cup on his hand temptingly.

Hijikata swallowed. His throat was dry after all that yelling from earlier. But he wasn’t going to look week or vulnerable in front of this bastard. Besides, now that the king had showed his true colors, accepting any kind of food or drink from him felt unwise.

“No? Then what about a glass of water? I can assure you that it doesn’t contain any kind of poison or drugs whatsoever,” the king said as he pointed a glass jug next to the teapot like he had read Hijikata’s mind. The thirst made Hijikata lick his dry lips unintentionally.

“Water it is then,” the king concluded and filled a glass with water. “Here you go,” he smiled as his brought the glass close to Hijikata’s mouth and tilted it a little, so it would be easier for Hijikata to drink.

But the Vice-Chief kept his mouth closed. If he was going to drink something, he sure as hell was going to do it himself and hold the glass in his own hands instead of being watered like an animal. The king rolled his eyes for Hijikata’s stubbornness and soon Hijikata’s head was pulled back forcefully by the guards, making him gasp from the sudden movement. The king took an advantage from this and poured the water down Hijikata’s throat, making the water go down the wrong pipe and causing him to cough horribly.

“Feeling better?” the king asked from coughing Hijikata.

“You son of a-,”

“Hear that? Your voice is all nice and clear again, good!” the king chuckled as he put the empty glass on the desk. “Let’s get down to business then, shall we?” the king suggested as he took his chair behind the desk and placed it in front of Hijikata and sat down.“There are some nasty bruises on your face right now but I’m sure they will heal just fine before the wedding,” he started and stirred his hot tea with a spoon.

“Unless your guards get carried away again,” Hijikata mentioned and glared the two guards beside him.

“They won’t, unless you give a reason to them,” the king replied calmly. “I must say I thought that you would be calmer and better-behaving than that idiot but it looks like you can be just as vulgar as him,” the king noted as he took a sip from his tea.

“Well you should have let me go as well then, because I’m not getting any easier from this,” Hijikata threatened while trying to ease the pain in his handcuffed wrists behind his back.

“Oh trust me, soon you will behave like a small puppy and eat out of my hand,” the king assured and noticed Hijikata’s shaking arms. “Are those too tight on you? Do they hurt?” he asked concerned.

“No,” Hijikata said tersely, not letting any emotions show in his voice.

“Really? Well, if you say so. Put them tighter,” the king ordered the guards, and soon the handcuffs were so tight around Hijikata’s wrists that they started to feel numb. “Let me know if they start to hurt,” the king smiled warmly but his eyes were cold as ice. “Where was I? Oh yes! The wedding will be tomorrow and the ceremony will take place in a church not long way from here.”

“Tomorrow?! I wouldn’t have minded hearing about this earlier!” Hijikata exclaimed, “And funny how Madam Philomena didn’t say anything about this even though I still have lessons left.”

“Ah, about that. Your training is finished. Madam isn’t qualified to teach anymore. She did things that weren’t in her power to decide,” the king said firmly.

 _That sleeping salt she gave to Gintoki,_ Hijikata figured. Though that woman had driven him insane in almost every lesson, she wasn’t a bad person. Hijikata sincerely hoped that nothing bad had happened to her but the king’s small evil smile was telling otherwise.

“What makes you think that I have any intention to get married?” Hijikata said through clenched teeth.

“It doesn’t matter what intentions you have,” the king sneered. “You will do as I say or you will spend the rest of your life rotting in a prison. If you’re lucky,” he added as he put his tea cup away.

“Can’t really imagine any worse place than this palace. It clearly has rotted certain people to the core,” Hijikata retorted, and earned himself a smack on the head by one of the guards.

The king clapped his hands amused. “You’re such a funny man. No wonder Sakata-san had trouble letting you go,” he chuckled.

There was a quick knock on the door before a guard came through it looking troubled. He walked up to the king and whispered something to him.

“What?! What do you mean he’s gone?!” the king bellowed and stood up from his chair. “Why are you still standing there?! Gather a group and find him! He can’t be far!” he ordered impatiently and shoved the guard out of the door. “Incapable fools,” he muttered angrily, looking out of his office’s window.

“I guess I was right about the state of the palace. People are leaving this place like rats are abandoning a sinking ship,” Hijikata smirked, though he had no idea whom the king had spoken of. “Even a trained monkey would make a better king than me, but I don’t think it would be a hard job for me to surpass you,” he mocked.

The king laughed dryly. “King? You? Dear boy, you’re delusional. What makes you think that you would become a king someday?” he asked derisively as he turned his gaze to Hijikata.

Hijikata was taken aback from king’s comment. “Well… you’ve said so and basically everyone-,”

“All I’ve ever said is that I need someone to rule this kingdom after me but it most certainly won’t be you!” the king chortled. “How could you, when you’re not even a real prince?”

 

 

 

 

 

 

A burning electrical smell hovered in the air as Gintoki cut down yet another camera from a tree with his wooden sword.

“It’s boring to watch something through a monitor. It’s much more fun to experience it on live,” Gintoki said as he heard running steps approaching behind him. “And I’m definitely someone you want to meet-and-greet personally,” he grinned impishly as he turned around to face four mayo bottle guards attacking him with their spares.

“I won’t let you to take videos of me but I think something can be arranged as a fanservice,” he joked, and one-by-one he knocked the guards out, even though it wasn’t an easy task.

These people sure knew how to fight and this had already been a sixth attack after he had left the palace. It seemed that the king wanted to make sure that Gintoki wasn’t going to make a revisit to the palace. If a certain person wouldn’t be there, Gintoki would have gladly stayed away from that house of horror. He could still hear it inside his head. Hijikata yelling his name.

Gintoki had tried to convince himself that abounding Hijikata had been the only choice to save him but the doubt that there might have been another way kept lingering in his mind. He wanted to go back and save Hijikata, he really did, but the question was how? It would be a mission impossible for him to get in the palace alone. And the more he had to fight with these soldiers, the more he would lose strength, which would weaken his chances to get in to the palace greatly.

Gintoki saw another group of guards approaching him dangerously. This time it included 6 persons. “You must be from the post 12. Or at least it says so on this camera,” Gintoki pointed the camera that had number 12 written on it, before he cut it down as well. “Come one by one or all at once. Everyone will get their share of fun equally,” he assured and charged in to the fight.

 

 

 

 

 

“I’m not a prince?” Hijikata repeated confused, the words slowly sinking in. How he had wished to hear those words from the king. But now that he finally had said them, instead of feeling relieved, Hijikata felt unsure and anxious.

“No, you’re not. I’m sorry for misleading you,” the king apologized, though he didn’t sound very sincere. “But the law says that you must be a prince if you wish to marry a princess. The other kingdoms would protest if a common man would marry a royalty,” he explained.

Hijikata’s handcuffed hands shook again but this time instead of pain, they shook from pure anger. “If I’m not a prince and I’m not going to be a king then WHAT THE HELL I’M HERE FOR?! WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?!” he roared like a demon, his eyes wide open from the rage.

This was madness! Hijikata had tried to convince these idiots from the very beginning that he wasn’t the prince that suffered from amnesia. And only now did he find out that they had known it all along?!

“No need to lose your temper,” the king hushed. “Even though you’re not going to be a king you will still have a very important role to play,” he reassured as he walked closer to Hijikata.

“And what would that be? Being your guards’ private punching bag?” Hijikata snarled frowning. His headache had gotten even worse from his outburst.

“Oh dear, no! Or if it came to that, your lower parts should be spared at least,” the king corrected and took a quick glance at Hijikata’s legs and lower waist, confusing Hijikata even more.

“You see, I have no sons. And my sweet Natsuki isn’t qualified to rule. And trusting someone else from outside this family to rule is out of question. He would rule on his own way and therefore he could destroy all that my family and I have built over the course of years. And not to mention all his family members who would whisper their own ideas to his ear like snakes in the grass,” the king explained as he walked back-and-forth in front of Hijikata.

“It’s nearly impossible to change a grown man’s mind and his point of view about things. And you’re a living proof of that,” he nodded at Hijikata’s direction. “But a child. An innocent child whose mind is open for everything. Who you can trust to learn to do the things the way you want him to, if you use right measures,” the king smiled. His eyes were closed like he was in another world. Hijikata didn’t like at all where this conversation was heading to.

“And this is where you step in,” the king said as he opened his eyes. “You will bring that child to this world with Natsuki,” he whispered close to Hijikata’s ear.

“LIKE HELL I WILL! Are you out of your freaking mind?!! That’s the reason why I’m here?!” Hijikata spluttered.

This couldn’t be true. The upcoming marriage, the reason why he had been kidnapped from Earth. All of this had happened so that he could make a-, Hijikata couldn’t even bring himself to say it in his head.

“It’s an important task in which failure isn’t acceptable,” the king stated firmly.

“I-I won’t do it! And why does it have to be me anyway?! Out of all the people in this world why does it have to be me?!”

“Well, for starters, you aren’t that bad to look at. And if we ignore your recent behavior you have been quite a well-behaving man, especially towards Natsuki. And as his father I only want the best for her and to tell her to have… ahem… you know what, with someone she resents would be terrible. And most importantly, even though you’re not one of us, the amount of mayonnaise that you have enjoyed daily is enough so that you should be able to have a child with one of our own.”

“What?”

“It’s possible for us to reproduce with humans if a human’s body has consumed enough mayonnaise,” the king said calmly like it was the most logical thing in the world.

“Ha?! How do you know how much mayonnaise I have consumed?! And what mayonnaise has got to do with reproducing anyway?!” Hijikata squirmed angrily in the guards’ hold.

“We took a mayonnaise level test the same way you take a blood sugar level test back there where you come from. But instead of checking the amount of glucose present in your blood, we searched from the test result how much mayonnaise had gone through your body. And luckily for us the test was positive!” the king smiled excitedly. “Oh, and the test was taken from you when you were unconscious after you had been lifted to the space-ship,” he added before Hijikata could even question it.

“And to make sure that the baby will be born healthy, consumption of the right amount of mayonnaise is required from both parents. You won’t get a great body like this without mayonnaise,” the king flattered himself to speechless Hijikata.

Hijikata couldn’t believe that his undying love for mayonnaise had led him to his downfall. Why don’t they warn about things like this on their products?! Cigarette boxes have warnings like “smoking will kill you” and blah, blah, but there should be a text on mayonnaise bottles as well with capital letters that would read “WARNING: IF YOU USE TOO MUCH MAYONAISE YOU WILL BE ABLE TO HAVE BABIES WITH MAYOBOTTLE PEOPLE!!”

The king yawned loudly. “Anyway, it’s getting late already, and you still have things to do that need stamina, if you know what I mean. Take the prince to his room,” the king ordered the guards and they started to drag struggling Hijikata away.

“What prince? I thought we were over that already? And what does your daughter think about all this?!” Hijikata yelled from the doorway, trying with all his might not to get dragged away.

The king smiled confidently as he waved his hand to Hijikata. “You will stay as a prince to the outside world and to Natsuki as well. And don’t bother to share our little conversation with her. She wouldn’t believe it anyway. She’s a good girl and she will do as I say. I’m sure she’s exited to be a mother. By then! Have fun!” the king closed the door after the guards had managed to get cursing Hijikata to the hallway.

 

 

 

 

 

 

“This… is getting… boring already…,” Gintoki panted after he had defeated another group of guards.

The area was slowly starting to get surrounded by a fog. Because of the fog, it would be harder for the guards to follow Gintoki’s movements from their cameras. But it also covered all the landmarks that Gintoki had tried to memorize so that he would find his way back to the palace.

Gintoki hadn’t much time to catch his breath when he heard some rustling noise coming from the forest. It sounded like this time there was only one guard coming to challenge him. The person was either really brave or really stupid, not that it mattered. Gintoki wasn’t going to give any mercy because he knew he wasn’t going to get it either.

“Come on then. I haven’t got all day here,” Gintoki rushed the approacher who seemed to slow down his steps. The fog was already so thick that Gintoki could see the man’s face only then when he was standing few steps away from him. Gintoki was surprised when he recognized the man.

“Have you lost your touch already, old man? You can’t sneak up on anyone while keeping that much noise,” Gintoki mocked exhausted Tomohiro who had leaves tangled on his long beard after he had come through the forest.

“There was no need to surprise you this time,” Tomohiro replied out of breath.

“Sounds like a loser’s talk. But you sure got some nerve to come after me. You might not be the main villain but your hands aren’t exactly clean either,” Gintoki pointed out flatly.

Tomohiro looked at his hands. “Well I did stumble few times on my way here, hence the dirty hands.”

“I didn’t mean it literally! Look, I´ve got no time for this! Why are you here? Did the king send you?” Gintoki demanded impatiently.

“My conscience sent me here,” Tomohiro answered as he looked Gintoki with his tired eyes. “But it’s dangerous to talk here. Follow me,” he waved his hand and went back to the forest where he had come from, disappearing into the fog.

“Don’t you ‘follow me’ me, you! Why should I trust you after all that’s happened?!” Gintoki yelled frustrated after the old man. “And what do you mean your conscience sent you? Was it Jiminy Cricket? That’s Pinocchio’s conscience, you know?! Did you steal his conscience? Your criminal record just keeps getting longer and longer! I can already see Pinocchio robbing banks because he has no conscience anymore!! You heartless geezer!”

Gintoki heard people coming towards him again from the road, interrupting his rant. He hadn’t much energy anymore to fight with these fools. He sighed deeply as he looked at the direction where Tomohiro had gone. “Sink or swim,” he muttered to himself, before going after the old man.

 

 

 

 

There was a loud splash and after that a lot of cursing that echoed in the silent night.

“Hush! Keep your voice down,” Tomohiro whispered irritated to equally irritated Gintoki who tried to pull his legs free from the sinking ground.

“Swamp! You brought me to a swamp! When you said you would take me to a safer place, this wasn’t exactly what I had in mind!” Gintoki ranted when he finally got himself back to the dry ground.

“If you would pay less attention to speaking and more attention to the ground under you, you would stay dry,” Tomohiro scolded as he led the way in the foggy swamp.

“Look, I don’t know what kind of fog lights you have in your eyes but Gin-san doesn’t have ones so you better slow down, “Fog-hiro!” Isn’t there any easier way?”

“All the roads are most likely heavily guarded so the only way left for us to use is the one that has no road,” Tomohiro replied as he avoided the sinking spots. “But if you keep yelling like that they will find us from here. They or the mayo lizards,” he warned as he carefully looked around to detect any signs of possible danger.

“Mayo lizards? What I recall, it wasn’t that hard to defeat one. But this time I wouldn’t be a stepping stone but I would-,”

There was a bigger splash heard this time and when Tomohiro turned to look, he saw Gintoki lying on the ground, his face covered in the mud.

“I said keep your eyes on the ground, not your face in the mud,” Tomohiro sighed tiredly.

“Shut up old man! I even scratched my hand on some god damn… what on earth is this anyway?” Gintoki wondered as he lifted something big, metallic and rusty from the swamp. “This looks like a giant shackle,” he figured and when he pulled it more, a chain attached to it rose from the swamp as well and Gintoki could see that it was tied to a nearby tree.

Gintoki was confused for a while until he realized why the place suddenly felt so familiar. This was the place where they had rescued the princess from the mayo lizard. Now that he looked closely, he was able to see big imprints on the ground. But there was no body left, not even a skeleton. Could it have sunk in the swamp this quickly?

“I assume you have an explanation for this,” Gintoki turned to look at sad-looking Tomohiro.

“Yes. And I think it’s time for you to hear the truth about everything else as well,” Tomohiro admitted quietly.

Suddenly a loud, ground shaking roar echoed in the air, startling the two travelers.

“If there’s a mayo lizard nearby, I doubt the soldiers would dare to come here”, Tomohiro noted. “Let’s find a dry place near the trees and then we can make a small campfire. It’s so foggy that no-one will see the smoke,” he concluded.

“And what about that lizard?” Gintoki reminded.

“Let’s hope that it stays where it is,” Tomohiro replied a hint of worry in his voice.

 

 

 

 

“All right then. Spill the beans,” Gintoki told Tomohiro after they had made a small camp.

A distant roar of the mayo lizard could still be heard but besides that, the quiet night and the thick fog continued surrounding them. “Why was there a giant shackle in the swamp? “

Tomohiro cleared his throat as he made himself comfortable on the small rock he was sitting on. “I think it would be better if we started from the very beginning.”

“You mean when you kidnapped us?”

“We will have to go even further back. To the time when you weren’t even in our thoughts,” Tomohiro corrected.

“Really? That far? Can’t you just make a short summary about things that includes me and Hijikata?” Gintoki was bored already as he lied on the ground.

“No,” was Tomohiro’s short replay. Then he continued. “It was a rainy funeral day. A man dressed in black clothes was kneeled on the ground, facing-,”

“A rainy funeral day, seriously? Isn’t that a little bit cliché? Why can’t it be a sunny funeral day or a snowy day?” Gintoki interrupted right away.

“Because this is a true story, not some fiction! That day just happened to be rainy!” Tomohiro exclaimed.

“Oh, this is even worse than fiction. This is fan-fiction. The author just wants to make your story even more dramatic than necessarily by adding some rain in the funeral,” Gintoki said lazily before he got a hit on the head by Tomohiro.

“Are you quite finished?” Tomohiro snapped.

“Fine, let it rain. But it would be refreshing to have a non-rainy funeral day.”

“Let me start again,” Tomohiro cleared his throat once more.

 

 

 

 

 

_Planet Mayo_

_3 years ago_

 

It had rained since the morning and the sky wasn’t showing any sings of clearing up. The dark clouds only seemed to get darker as the rain fell hard on the ground. Tomohiro walked slowly through a royal cemetery with his black umbrella matching his black uniform. His hoary beard that reached over his neck had curled from the moist weather.

All the dead royalties that had ever excited on this planet, kings and queens, princes and princesses, all of them were buried here. And now yet another royalty had joined in their mighty company. But it had been too early. Way too early. The funeral had ended over an hour ago but there was still one person left in the cemetery. Dressed in black as well, he was still kneeled on the ground in front of a gravestone. The exact same spot where Tomohiro had left him when he had gone to take the princess back to the palace.

The gravestone was made of ore, and the white text on it was big enough to read even from a long distance.

                                                           

                                                        _  
_

_Queen Asami the II_

_Beloved wife & mother_

_You will always be with us_

_Even if you are gone_

_Your memory will live on in our hearts_

 

It was simple, yet beautiful. And a small dove made of glass was sitting on top of the stone, representing love and peace. Perfect words to describe her. She had been a loving person, especially towards nature and its creations. And of course, she had loved her daughter and husband more than anything in this world. And that inner peace that had seemed to surround her since the day she had been born. No matter what had happened, she had always remained calm and… peaceful. After they had found her body, the look on her face had remained peaceful. Like she had been only sleeping.

“My lord, please come inside. You will catch a cold,” Tomohiro called out gently the soaked king from a distance.

No answer.

“My lord, your daughter is worried about you. And I’m worried about her. She needs your support now more than anything.”

Still no answer.

“My lord? Katashi?”

“I want them dead,” the king finally whispered, rain pouring down on his face. “Every single one of those disgusting creatures, I want them all slaughtered. No matter how many years it will take, I want all the mayo lizards dead!” he raised his trembling voice.

“My lord?” Tomohiro repeated hesitantly, when the king got up and walked past him towards the palace. The look in the king’s eyes was something that Tomohiro had never seen before. This had been a very difficult day, and Tomohiro could only pray that this great sadness that everyone felt right now would ease eventually.

 

 

 

 

_1 year after the funeral_

 

 

“Morning uncle!” a young mayo man in his early twenties greeted the king as he confidently stepped in to the king’s office. The boy’s light-colored bangs covered his blue eyes almost completely but it didn’t lessen his good looks. He was wearing a long black jacket with golden buttons. A black t-shirt that had a red rock ’n’ roll print on it showed from under the jacket he kept open casually.

“Tatsuya. How many times have I told you to cut your hair shorter? As a prince it’s not suitable to keep your hair hanging like that,” the king scolded as he was sitting behind his desk going through some papers and files.

“Chill, would you?” Tatsuya snorted amused as he threw himself on a couch. “Even if I’m a prince, it doesn’t mean I can’t look good. This kind of hairstyle just happens to be popular right now. Though of course it suits me the best.”

“Is that so?” the king wondered, keeping his eyes on the papers, “I assume those clothes are popular as well, then?”

“You’re just jealous uncle. Your hair is hardly even showing anymore. My mother was always proud of my thick hair. It’s unlikely for me to lose my hair the way you do, she said.”

“Yes, always worrying more about hair-related stuff than anything else. Hard to believe she really was my sister,” the king mumbled.

“So… why did you call me here on an early morning like this?” Tatsuya asked yawning, making himself more comfortable on the couch.

“How come you still have no princess by your side?” the king confronted his nephew.

Tatsuya rolled his eyes, “Because all the princesses are either taken or they aren’t in any kind of danger, which makes this bride-hunting pretty hard to succeed in. I mean come on, why not change the stupid law? Nowadays girls aren’t so helpless and easy to get into the trouble like they used to back in your days,” he pointed at the king.“Of course, Natsuki makes an exception. I just saved her from falling on the stairs on my way here. She’s so clumsy. But I hope you’re not that desperate about me finding a wife that you make me marry my cousin. That would be just sick!” Tatsuya laughed loudly.

“No, and even the law forbites related people to marry each other,” the king noted, “But I assume you already knew that. Article 3, section 1, first line?” the king raised his eyebrows expectantly at Tatsuya.

“Yeah, yeah, I knew it.”

“It’s important for a king to remember the laws. It would be unforgiveable if he would break them.”

“But there’s like hundreds of them! And they are all too long and complicated to memorize,” Tatsuya whined. “Even you don’t remember them all, right uncle? I’ve seen how you have glanced your little pocket version of the law book every now and then. I will get one of those too, won’t I?”

A slight blush rose on the king’s cheeks, “I remember them. Not from word to word but still. I just like to read them once in a while,” he said hoarsely.

“Oh, I see,” Tatsuya smiled impishly, crossing his arms.

“But I’m serious, Tatsuya. You better find yourself a bride soon or-,”

“If you tell me how!” Tatsuya protested, leaping to his feet from the couch, “What I’m supposed to do? Princesses in distress don’t just fall from the sky! There’s hardly even any mayo lizards left which would be a potential danger to save a princess from because most of them are slayed by your orders, thank you very much!” he argued fervently but the look in the king’s eyes silenced him quickly.

Tatsuya’s father had warned him countless of times not to let the king know about his disagreement considering the mass killings of the mayo lizards but in the heat of the argument it had slipped out of his mouth. The king stared at Tatsuya with a cold look in his eyes. His hand squeezed tightly around a pen that he was holding.

“Look uncle, I didn’t-,” Tatsuya started, ready to apologize, before the king cut him off.

“I’m sure you will find a princess in the need of rescue if you look hard enough,” he said, forcing a smile on his face. “Now off you go.”

Tatsuya headed to the door but before he left the room, he turned around and hesitantly said: “You know uncle, I’ve been wondering…”

“Leave,” the king grunted, returning his attention back to his papers.

“See ya”, Tatsuya mumbled dissatisfied, and left the room.

 

“If I look hard enough, yeah right,” Tatsuya muttered angrily while walking down the stairs.

“Heads up!” a voice warned Tatsuya, and when he turned around to look, a knife was thrown towards him and he barely managed to avoid it before it hit the stair railing.

“What the hell?! Are you trying to kill me, old man?!” Tatsuya yelled gasping, holding his hand on his chest while leaning on the wall.

“Don’t be silly. These are made of rubber,” Tomohiro demonstrated to his son as he poked him gently with another rubber knife. “See, no harm.”

“Well if it had hit my eye it could have hurt!”

“Nonsense. No matter where you would have moved or even if you hadn’t moved at all, the knife wouldn’t have hit you. I just wanted to test your reflexes. You haven’t trained lately, now have you?” Tomohiro questioned a knowing smile on his face.

“I don’t have time for your stupid games, dad,” Tatsuya pushed his father out of his way, “I have to find myself a princess. Be useful and go attack one of them with your knifes so I might have a chance to rescue her.”

Tomohiro chuckled, “So that’s the reason for your gloomy face. You had that conversation with the king again, am I correct?”

“Yeah, sort of,” Tatsuya mumbled. “I think you need to let off some steam,” Tomohiro suggested, waiving a rubber knife on his hand.

 

 

“Bull’s eye! Good one!” Tomohiro praised his son. Tthey were outside on a training field throwing knives (real ones this time) at a big dartboard that was hanging on a tree.

“This is a dartboard. Shouldn’t we use darts?” Tatsuya wondered when he went to pick up the five knives he had thrown on the board.

“You can’t protect yourself with the darts. With the knives on the other hand…,” Tomohiro said when he threw a knife, hitting the bull’s eye as well. “I don’t remember you complaining about this before. But we can use darts if you want to,” he said before throwing another knife.

“It doesn’t matter,” Tatsuya sighed as he sat down on the ground. “After I become the king, I won’t be doing anything else than just sitting in my office going through papers and files like uncle.”

Tomohiro wiped sweat drops off from his forehead with his sleeve. “You do know that that’s not the only thing what a king does?” he asked slightly amused.

“Maybe not. But it’s 80% of that anyway,” Tatsuya scoffed and picked up a sharpening stone next to him.

“And the remaining 20% is?”

“Drinking tea and rushing your nephew to get married,” Tatsuya said flatly and started to sharpen his knives.

Tomohiro laughed. “Well, you don’t like tea, and you don’t have any siblings, so you won’t be getting a nephew to order around. So, this means that you can spend the 20% of your day as you please when you become the king. Throwing knives, for example.”

Tatsuya remained silent as he kept sharpening his knives. Tomohiro went to sit next to him but didn’t say anything either. Only the noise of sharpening filled the silence, as father and son sat next to each other, both lost in their thoughts.

“I don’t want to be a king,” Tatsuya said defiantly, but kept his eyes on the knives. “I want to be the guard’s captain, like you.” Tomohiro sighed deeply.

“I’m afraid that’s not possible. You’re a prince after all, and the next rightful ruler.” Tomohiro said, trying to keep his voice encouraging.

“But that’s not true, is it?” Tatsuya confronted and dropped the knife and the sharpening stone from his hands. “After uncle’s time as a king is over, Natsuki should be the next ruler.”

“Yes. She should be,” Tomohiro admitted.

“Then why the hell she isn’t husband-hunting right now?! Why I’m the next one?!” Tatsuya yelled, earning questioning stares from a few guards who passed them by.

“She isn’t qualified to rule,” Tomohiro replied shortly, a hint of hesitation in his voice, which Tatsuya caught right away.

“Why not?”

“There are many reasons.”

“Like?”

“You shouldn’t bother your mind with this too much,” Tomohiro said as he stood up. “Things are now as they are. We will go through this day by day. I will stay by your side,” he smiled and reached out his hand for his son to take it.

“But you won’t stay forever. One day I will be alone,” Tatsuya noted and got up on his own.

“After my time is over, you will be surrounded by other loving people. And I will keep an eye on you, even after my death,” Tomohiro reassured and spread his arms, and slowly Tatsuya got closer for an embrace.

“You mean as a ghost?” Tatsuya joked as he hugged his father.

“You can bet on it,” Tomohiro replied.

“I will call Ghostbusters then.”

“Oh, but I will scare you so badly so that you won’t be able to call anyone.”

“Well, we will see about that,” Tatsuya challenged, before both started to laugh from the bottom of their hearts.

 

 

 

_6 months later_

 

 

“Guess what that old goat wants me to do this time?” Tatsuya whined to his friends as he emptied his 5th pint of beer in a local bar near the palace.

“Who? The king?” one of his friends who was sitting opposite him in the table snorted amused.

“Well of course him! Who else? One birdbrain you are, man!” Tatsuya exclaimed drunkenly and slapped his friend on the head.

“Well what is it?” a girl next to him asked smirking, clearly amused by Tatsuya’s drunken state as well.

“You wanna know? Do-do you wanna know? I’ll tell you…that old geezer, seriously… always ordering me around and scolding me...”

“Tatsuya, you’re going off topic”, the guy interrupted chuckling.

“No I’m not! That uncle of mine… he…umm… where was I?”

“You were about to tell what your uncle has ordered you to do this time,” the girl said as she patted his shoulder gently.

“Right! Well… you guys know that there have been rumors that mayonnaise production might end someday in this planet, right?" Tatsuya said, and his friends hummed in approval.

“Yeah, what’s that all about?” the guy asked.

Tatsuya grinned smugly, enjoying the attention he got, “Well, what I’ve heard of, it’s because of the eggs.

“Eggs?” his friends repeated in unison.

“Yeah. Apparently, hens have started to have troubles with laying eggs and fertilization,” Tatsuya revealed.

“Go on,” the girl said interested.

“Isn’t it quite obvious,” Tatsuya snorted, “If there are no eggs, there’s no mayonnaise,” he said and ordered himself another beer.

“But what’s wrong with the hens then?” she asked.

“The number of the hens and roosters has gotten smaller because of the diseases and whatnot. Ah, thanks,” he thanked the waitress who served him his beer. He took a big gulp of it before continuing, “And so, because the number of those birds has gotten smaller, they have started to reproduce with their… well, you know… with their brothers and sisters,” Tatsuya let out a drunken laugh.

“Inbreeding?!” the guy exclaimed disgusted.

“That’s right. And apparently this is the reason why those things have troubles to lay eggs and get fertilized,” Tatsuya laughed even louder, hitting the table with his hand, “And this is the case in every kingdom’s villages, not just in our kingdom.”

“Those poor things,” the girl moaned.

“Don’t you mean poor us? We might not have mayonnaise soon,” the guy laughed nervously.

“Oh, but you haven’t heard the best part yet,” Tatsuya chuckled, “My uncle has created a backup plan. He has discovered a planet, uh… what was its name again… Earth! And there is this place called Edo where they apparently make great mayonnaise. So his plan is that if our mayonnaise production stops, we will start to get our mayonnaise from there.”

“Won’t that cost a lot of money?” the girl wondered, “Wouldn’t it be easier to just get a few birds from this… Edo?”

“Sure, but uncle fears that those hens might spread all kinds of diseases because they are from a different planet,” Tatsuya whispered with an intimidating voice and tickled the girl, which made her scream.

“Stop it!” she yelled to Tatsuya and hit him playfully on the head.

“And we might get all the mayonnaise without even paying anything. You know, we just could blend them every time with the mayo memory blender to believe that we have paid from the mayonnaise,” Tatsuya added.

“So… what does this all have to do with you complaining about the king earlier?” the guy asked.

“This has everything to do with it,” Tatsuya said, “We’ve got one sample box of Edo’s mayonnaise and uncle wants to test it first before ordering more, so he told me to take it to one of the villages with a few guards, so that I get ‘a good lesson about responsibility’,” he mimicked the king’s voice.

“You sounded just like him!” his friends laughed.

“Well, I have to listen to him every day. No wonder I sound like him. Soon I will probably start to look like him.”

“Oh, I hope not!” the girl said horrified, “Mustaches and wrinkles don’t suite you.”

“I know right,” Tatsuya agreed and got up from his chair. “And if only uncle wouldn’t think that horses are too low and filthy animals to carry precious mayonnaise, I would put them to work. “Ah, but I guess I have to get going. The guards are outside waiting for me.”

“You made them wait this whole time?” the guy chuckled surprised.

“Well I did ask them to join me but they didn’t want to come. Anyway, wish me luck. Maybe I will even find a princess to save and marry,” Tatsuya joked as he made his way out of the bar, stumbling on other chairs and tables as he walked.

“Aww, I thought you were going to marry me, Tatsuya-kun,” the girl bemoaned after the boy.

“Believe me, love. If you were a princess or if I wasn’t a prince, I would marry you in a second,” Tatsuya grinned and winked his eye before leaving.

 

 

 

“Urgh… I’m not feeling that good,” Tatsuya mumbled as he unsteadily followed the guards who had already reached to a top of a hill with their carriage of mayonnaise.

“Do you need to rest for a moment… again, Tatsuya-san, mayo?” one of the guards asked politely, though like rest of the guards, he wasn’t that excited to make a stop for the 6th time already.

“No, no, let’s jut keep going. I’m fine really,” Tatsuya assured, looking anything but fine as he finally got to the top as well. “The sooner we get this over with the better. And speaking of which, it’s quite a long and steep way to go down this hill,” he pointed out and glanced at the wagon. “Step aside from the wagon for a moment,” he ordered the guards who hesitantly obeyed.

After that Tatsuya pushed the wagon to go down the hill on its own. The guards exclaimed in panic.

“Relax. It was hard to pull it all the way up here wasn’t it? And now you can rest a little. See how nicely it goes,” Tatsuya grinned, clearly proud of his bright idea. _Yep. Best ideas are born when drunk._

“But you pushed it to go to the wrong way, my lord, mayo!” a guard cried out.

And indeed, instead of going down the path, the wagon was going down the other side of the hill, which was full of rocks. The wagon didn’t make it far, until it fell over and the box of mayonnaise as well. Almost half of the mayonnaise bottles were broken from the sharp rocks that they had hit, and the mayonnaise in them was now all over the ground.

“Uh… put all the bottles that aren’t broken back to the wagon and we can try to save most of the mayonnaise from the ground. We have water bottles. We can use them as a replacement bottles,” Tatsuya quickly said a hint of frustration in his voice.

“But…”

“No buts! The villagers were promised mayonnaise and mayonnaise they will get!” Tatsuya yelled and started to empty the water bottles. “The worst they can get from this is a few blades of grass to their mouths. It’s not like they are going to die from it,” he reasoned.

 

 

 

_2 weeks later_

 

“Well, what’s the latest situation?” the king asked with hollow voice when Tomohiro entered his office.

Tomohiro hesitated for a moment, before he finally said, “30 dead altogether. 10 women, 15 men and… 5 children. Four boys and one girl.”

“And have the scientists found out the reason for the poisoning?” the king asked coolly, his eyes nailed to sorry looking Tomohiro.

Tomohiro gathered strength to continue, “Yes. Apparently, the ground which the fallen mayonnaise had been collected from had been full of seeds of a poisonous plant. And all those villagers who had eaten the contaminated mayonnaise died within few days,” he replied with a shaking voice.

“And now there are people out there destroying public property in their grief,” the king said bitterly. “Yelling curses and insults at the palace. And most of them aren’t even blaming _him._ No, they think I’m the one to blame,” he sneered. “I gave them a great gift in all my kindness and this is how they thank me. Just because your son…,”

“T-there’s no word to describe how sorry I’m for all this,” Tomohiro bowed deeply, tears falling from his eyes. “I’ll make sure he will do everything in his power to ease the pain of those poor villagers,” he assured.

“But he won’t be doing it as a prince,” the king muttered, making Tomohiro raise his gaze from the floor.

“What do you mean?” Tomohiro uttered confused.

"A future king can’t be someone who has done something terrible like this,” the king continued, turning away from Tomohiro. “From this day on, he won’t be a prince anymore,” he stated.

Tomohiro wasn’t sure what to think of this. Despite all the horrible sorrow that he felt for the villagers in his heart, he found this tiny joy from the words the king had just said. Tatsuya wasn’t prince anymore. He could finally have his son back. The whole prince matter had been too much to handle. Tatsuya had never been suitable for the job. But now it was over. And together they could find a way to settle things with the villagers. It would take time and it would be painful, but together they could do it. As a father and son.

“Thank you,” Tomohiro managed to whisper before running out of the king’s office.

 

 

Tomohiro knocked the door of his son’s room impatiently.“Tatsuya, are you there? Open up, I’ve got something to tell you!” he called out while continuing knocking.

No one came to open and Tomohiro couldn’t hear any replay either.

“Tatsuya?” he repeated and tried the door handle until he realized that the door was unlocked.

Tomohiro quickly opened the door and a light breeze from an open window greeted his face when he stepped into the room. There was no one in the room, only a long rope made of bed’s sheets and curtains hanging from the open window.

“Why would he…?” Tomohiro wondered until his noticed a letter on the bed.

 

_Dad, By the time you read this, I’ll be far away from the kingdom. It pains me to leave you like this without saying good bye face-to-face, but I think this is the best. And uncle thinks so too. I know you wanted me to make amends with the villagers, but I don’t have courage to face them. I’m not sure if I can ever do that. I’m a coward, I know._

_That’s why it’s better that I leave, and let the wilderness decided about my destiny for my crime._

 

_-Tatsuya_

 

Tomohiro read the letter multiple times, not believing what he was reading. He quickly ran back to the king’s office. “Did you know about this?!” he yelled to the king, shaking the letter in his hand.

“We had a conversation a few hours before you came here,” the king replied coolly, standing in the middle of the room a blank expression on his face.

“And you told him to do this?” Tomohiro asked in disbelief.

“I told him he should take responsibility from this incident, so I gave him two options: either got to the village and let the people there decided what to do, or an exile. And he chose the latter,” the king said.

“H-how could you?” Tomohiro stuttered.

“I think I was more than fair to him,” the king argued, “I could have just taken him to the village and leave him to the villager’s mercy.”

“He’s your nephew!”

“I have no nephew! Not anymore!” the king raised his voice. “And from this day forward you won’t be the guard’s captain anymore but my adviser!”

“What?”

“You are too old for that job already. And because of this unfortunate event I’m afraid your state of mind is no longer fit to work in that position either.”

“But as your adviser…?”

“It’s just a formality. You will have a lot of paper work to do but more importantly you will be constantly under my or the guards’ watch. So that you won’t do anything… imprudent,” the king said slowly, turning his back to Tomohiro.

Tomohiro was speechless. His whole world felt like shuttering into pieces and his mind wasn’t functioning properly anymore. Slowly, his hands reached out for the knife that hung from his belt.

“Do that, and it will be the last thing you will ever do,” the king warned and soon three guards came from the door to hold Tomohiro from his arms and took the knife from his belt.

“Why do you keep me here if my life is this worthless to you?” Tomohiro demanded.

“It’s not worthless. I’ll make sure that you earn your right to live here.” the king assured. “Now go, and remember, you will be watched,” he warned.

The guards let go off Tomohiro as he left the room, and when he finally got in to his own room, he fell on the floor, breaking into tears from sorrow.

 

 

 

_1 year later_

 

 

“Ah Tomohiro! I have great news. I think we have finally found our next prince,” the king said cheerfully behind the breakfast table when Tomohiro entered the dining room.

“Is that so?” Tomohiro replied  as he sat few seats away from the king.

“Yes. And can you imagine? It’s from the same place where we get our mayonnaise from. Edo!”

“And who this fellow might be?” Tomohiro wondered as he put mayonnaise on his bread.

“Here’s a report of him from the spies,” the king slid the report on the table to Tomohiro.

“Hijikata Toshiro. Vice-Chief of the local police Shinsengumi. Handsome, (from the man’s point of view anyway my lord, mayo) smoker, short-tempered and a mayonnaise addict,” Tomohiro read out loud.

“He’s perfect, isn’t he?” the king chuckled as he took a big bite from his waffle.

“If you say so, my lord. At least he wouldn’t have problems to get used to our food,” Tomohiro noted, looking at the picture of Hijikata on the paper. “But he’s not a real prince. That will be a problem. How is he supposed to get married, for example?” he asked.

“Oh, he’s a prince,” the king corrected, “He comes from a distant planet where he had a kingdom called Edo. Unfortunately, the kingdom run out of mayonnaise and his people died, leaving only him alive. And as he has no place to go, we will kindly rescue him to live here with us.”

Tomohiro was speechless for a moment,

“Come again?”

“Only you and me and a carefully selected group of soldiers know what Earth and Edo are and who this Hijikata Toushiro really is. If we say that this man is a prince called Mayora the 13, everyone will buy it from the smallest child to the elderly,” the king explained eagerly.

“So it would be a lie? And Mayora the 13th?” Tomohiro repeated puzzled.

“One of the spies came up with that. He had heard when this Hijikata had used for himself the name Mayora 13. I think it’s quite good. And no one will ever have to know about the truth. The secret will stay inside this palace,” the king smiled cunningly.

“And how are we going to get him here exactly?” Tomohiro sighed. “I think it will take quite a lot of convincing for him to come here,” he doubted and took a sip from his tea.

“Oh it will be fine. You will just pick him up and after that we will treat him like prince Mayora the 13th. All the necessarily things are taken care of. I will tell you more later,” the king smiled.

“And who this Hiji,- ahem, Mayora the 13th will marry then?” And how will he become the king?” Tomohiro questioned.

“Of course he’s going to marry Natsuki,” the king laughed. “And the problem about him becoming the king? Well, you’ll see when the time comes,” the king assured as he got up form his seat.

Tomohiro stared absently at his tea cup as the king made his way out of the dining room.

“So now it’s this easy?” he finally said, making the king stop in his tracks. “Before, you were so strict about who would become the king and now even someone from different species is qualified for that job. If only you had thought of this when my son was still here,” Tomohiro whispered bitterly, “Before you gave him the cross he didn’t want to carry.”

“You’re still not over that?” the king sighed, shaking his head.

“How could I?” Tomohiro replied. _When I have to see every day the man who drove him away,_ he thought in his mind.

“You should find yourself a hobby,” the king suggested. “And just to let you know, we won’t be getting mayonnaise from Edo for a while,” he continued, “We have emptied almost all of their stores already and now they have some problems in their factory. I hope we haven’t memory-blended them too many times so that they don’t remember how to make mayonnaise anymore,” he wondered chuckling.

“I believe the situation of our mayonnaise stock in the palace is quite good,” Tomohiro called out, forcing himself to forget his son and think about the other people for a change. “I’m sure there is enough to share for our people as well as for other kingdoms.”

The king snorted. “I’m not that sure they are ready to accept any mayonnaise from us just yet. I might consider it when they beg for it. I think they are fine as they are right now,” he deiced, the protests of the villagers year ago still lingering in his mind.

“And what comes to the other kingdoms, they will just have to solve their problems by themselves. I can’t help them with everything, now can I? Even though this is the capital kingdom,” he stated, leaving Tomohiro speechless yet again.

 

 

 

_Earth, Edo_

_The day of the kidnapping_

 

 

 

“Tomohiro-san, mayo! Tomohiro-san, mayo!” a guard’s voice woke Tomohiro from his deep thoughts. “The target is right under us, mayo,” he informed.

Tomohiro looked out from the window, noticing the black-haired man they were looking for fighting with somebody.

“They are too close to each other, mayo. It’s impossible to pick up only the prince, mayo,” the soldier said worriedly.

Tomohiro stared at the two fighting men carefully. His brain-cells worked hard inside his head.

“Tomohiro-san, mayo?” the soldier called out again, “Orders, mayo?”

“Pick them up. Pick them both up,” Tomohiro ordered.

After a small hesitation, the soldier pressed a button on the control panel, and soon the two men were lifted to the spaceship.

 

 

 

 

_Planet Mayo_

_Present day_

 

Hijikata wriggled furiously on his bed, trying his best to get himself free from the headboard he had been handcuffed to from his arms. He repeatedly glanced paranoidly at the door, and every now and then stopped his struggling for a moment to listen if there were any footsteps or talking to be heard behind the door.

The king hadn’t been joking about Hijikata’s reason for being here. It had become clear to him when the guards had taken his clothes off, leaving nothing else on him than his mayo bottle printed boxers. And then he had been left alone in the room like a pray for a hungry wolf. A sweet scent of scented candles that were placed around the room filled Hijikata’s nose, making him feel like throwing up.

How was this even going to work? For real, just because he had enjoyed mayonnaise, he was qualified to do this?! What kind of anatomy do these people have anyway? Sure, when they had bathed together, Hijikata had noticed that the princess had something attached to her chest that were presumably her breasts, but what about the parts down there…?

_NO! Why am I even thinking about that?! Those are things that Gintoki would think about, not me!_

The thought of the Yorozuya mad Hijikata feel even more depressed. Now was the time when Hijikata really hoped that the perm-head would come in from that door grinning smugly. And then he would make Hijikata promise to buy him 100 parfaits if he would release Hijikata from his handcuffs. Heck, Hijikata would even eat 100 parfaits himself if he could just escape right now!

The door opened slowly, and Natsuki stepped in, wearing a silky nightdress. She stared down at the floor as she stood few feet away from the bed. Her face was red as tomato as she carefully raised her gaze to meet Hijikata’s eyes.

Hijikata swallowed nervously.

He was done for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!


	10. Speak now or forever hold your peace

”Well… that was quite a story you told me, old man,” Gintoki said slowly, staring at their campfire with his dead eyes.

Tomohiro who was sitting opposite him, only managed to nod as a response. All the anger and regret he had felt till this day had been released out of him when he finally had been able to open up to someone about his feelings and thoughts from the past three years.

“I’m sorry for dragging you into this,” he apologized mumbling, hiding his face in his hands. “I’m sorry for both of you.”

“Unless you are mumbling some mayo spell that brings Hijikata here, you can stop that. What’s done is done. It hasn’t been easy for you either, I get that,” Gintoki ignored Tomohiro’s attempt of apology. “But what you can do, is to give me more information about this big farce. Starting with that big shackle which I found earlier,” he remined and pointed the swamp area behind him with his thumb. “I have my suspicions but I would like you to confirm them.”

“Of course,” Tomohiro agreed while wiping his teary eyes. “As you know, a prince can marry a princess only if he has saved her from a life-threatening danger. And because we didn’t exactly have time to wait weeks or months for the princess to get in danger by herself, well… we had to arrange one.” Tomohiro revealed.

“On the day you arrived into the palace, the king ordered a group of guards to catch a baby mayo lizard. They are easier to catch, you see, and easier to kill as well. And after they had captured one, the guards with the princess purposely lead her to the swamp where the lizard was waiting. Of course, the princess couldn’t been put in any real danger. So that’s why the guards put a shackle in the lizard’s leg and tied it on the tree so that it wouldn’t be able to reach the princess. The fire torches the guards hold were only for a show. And because of the fog and all that terrible noise, you couldn’t see or hear the shackle. Everything was carefully planned beforehand. Even those boxes I brought for you friend to cross the swamp had been brought here earlier,” Tomohiro said bitterly.

“That’s why the king didn’t want me to examine the lizard’s body closer, so that I wouldn’t find the shackle,” Gintoki figured.

“Yes. But the disappearance of the body is mystery to me as well.”

“Okay, but the mystery of the shackle is solved now anyway. Though it didn’t match my suspicions.”

“It didn’t?”

“Nah, I expected the shackle to be some sort of children’s broken hula hoop or something.”

“How does it look like a hula hoop?!”

“You have mayo lizards and smelling salt that makes you lose your consciousness. A hula hoop made of iron fits perfectly in. Anyway, moving on. What about that picture of Hijikata in a mayo bottle body you showed me? What was that?”

“We tried our best to make you and Hijikata-san believe that Hijikata-san was a prince. It wasn’t hard to edit the photo to look like it was your friend in it. But obviously neither of you did fall for it, stubborn as you are,” Tomohiro smiled a little.

“Yeah, we didn’t. But it’s still hard for me to believe the reason why me and Hijikata ended up in here. I mean, my theory about you mixing him up with a real prince that happens to look like Hijikata makes much more sense,” Gintoki said.

“The prince and the pauper is a good novel but I’m afraid it’s not based on a true story. Therefore, your theory was quite poor,” Tomohiro chuckled.

“There are so many movies made with that kind of plot so it might as well be possible in real life!” Gintoki protested sharply at the mocking old man. “But your son looked nothing like Hijikata. How was it possible that the crazy man from the village whose daughter had died confused him with Hijikata?”

Tomohiro’s smile faded, when his son came up to the conversation again. “They were both young and they were both princes. I think that was enough resemblance for him. And Tatsuya rarely visited the villages, so the chance of mix-up was high. Besides, when you feel nothing but rage and sorrow, you don’t pay much attention to the details,” he said.

Tomohiro took a pocket watch from his jacket. “It’s really late, and I’m sure we both need sleep. I think we will be safe in here but maybe we should take turns in watch. I can be first and-, “

Tomohiro glanced at Gintoki only to find him in deep sleep already.

“I sure hope you listened before falling asleep because I’m not going to repeat!” Tomohiro yelled but got only loud snoring for an answer and a few mumbled words.

“Wait… for me… Hijikata….”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hijikata walked absently around the palace’s garden in the morning, numerous things bothering his mind. After the last night’s events, he had barely gotten any sleep. But the lack of sleep was the smallest concern of his. The wedding was getting closer with every passing hour, while the hope of his escaping was slowly fading away.

Hijikata felt eyes nailed on him as he walked in the garden. No matter where he looked, there were always some guard’s eyes looking right back at him, not to mention the two guards who were following his every step behind him like shadows. Hijikata’s room was the only place where the guards didn’t follow him, and for that reason Hijikata preferred to spend time there, but after he had decided to get some fresh air, the guards had joined him again.

Hijikata covered his eyes from the bright sunlight with his hand to take a glance at the princess’ room’s window. The curtains were open, so she was probably already up. Hijikata wondered how the princess was feeling right now? Was she at the peak of her happiness, eagerly counting the minutes until the wedding would start? Or was she feeling the same way he was? Would she rather throw herself into the deep water well than marrying a person she hardly knew?

After the short conversation Hijikata had had with her after the last night’s embarrassing action, (Hijikata quickly lit a cigarette to calm his nerves when he recalled the last night’s event) he had realized that the princess was more than his father’s puppet, and maybe her feelings weren’t as honest as he had thought.

 

 

 

_Last night_

_The blue eyes met one another when Natsuki and Hijikata stared at each other, both waiting the other to say something. Hijikata decided to open his mouth first, because being stared at in silence felt ten times worse when he was exposed on the bed the way he was, nothing but boxers on._

_“Uh… you… I… umm… eh?”_

_Well, at least he tried._

_Natsuki walked slowly closer, a few small bruises from the bathing incident were still visible on her face. Biting her lip, she got next to the bed and sat down close to Hijikata’s feet._

_“Uh, this is little funny, isn’t it?” she laughed nervously, “I mean, we are not even married yet….”_

_“I’m half naked and handcuffed to my bed! ‘Funny’ isn’t really the word I would use right now!” Hijikata cried out while struggling in the bed._

_Natsuki quickly covered Hijikata’s mouth with her hand and leaned closer to him. “Shh! The guards are standing behind the door! If they hear you talking rudely to me, your position on the bed will only get worse,” she warned him, and an unusual sharp look in her eyes told Hijikata that she wasn’t kidding._

_“But you can’t go through with this,” Hijikata protested more quietly now, a hint of panic in his voice._

_“Do you find it that scary to do it with me?” Natsuki asked, crossing her arms offended, “I admit that I’m not very experienced but-,”_

_“I find this wrong! There’s a word for it what you’re about to do!” Hijikata hissed angrily._

_“SM?”_

_“NO!”_

_“Shh!” Natsuki covered Hijikata’s mouth again and then there was a knock on the door._

_“My lady, mayo? Is everything alright, mayo?” a guard asked through the door._

_“Yes. We are just warming up,” Natsuki replied with a sing-song voice. “See? If you are going to yell like that, at least yell ´YES’ so it’s less suspicious,” she scolded._

_Hijikata was dumbfounded. He had never seen the princess acting so bossy before._

_She sighed deeply before continuing, “What I’ve learned from the relationship books, is that the relationship should be based on trust. So I will have to ask you, do you want to do this?” she asked seriously, and leaned so close to Hijikata that he could feel her warm breath on his face._

_Was that a trick question? Hadn’t Hijikata made his opinion clear enough already?! If he would answer ‘no’, would she take it as a ‘yes’ in some twisted logic?_

_“Silence is consent, so…,” Natsuki began._

_“NO!” Hijikata yelled quickly, startling Natsuki, before she gave him a disapproving look again._

_“YES!” he corrected, remembering her warning. She looked at Hijikata very puzzled, tilting her head slightly._

_“I mean no, I don’t want to do this,” he finally said with calm and clear voice._

_Natsuki nodded, a slight disappointment showing on her face. She took a necklace off from her neck, and what Hijikata had thought till this point to be a jewelry, was actually a key hanging from a chain. Carefully she released Hijikata from his handcuffs with it._

_“Where did you get that?” Hijikata asked confused as he sat up._

_“Daddy gave it to me,” she said with a disappointed voice, “He told me to release you after this would be over. He said you are very into this kind of stuff, handcuffs and such, so I didn’t question this first. But apparently he lied.”_

_“Well… thanks,” Hijikata said relieved as he collected his clothes around the floor were they had been throwed to. But then he noticed how gloomy Natsuki looked as she sat on the bed playing with the key in her hands. “Uh, are you okay?” he asked clumsily._

_“I’ve always obeyed daddy,” she said, her back facing Hijikata. “After mother's death, he became cranky and gloomy, so I decided back then that I would do anything for him if I could just have him back as his old self. And so, when he told me that nothing would make him happier than us having a child, I agreed to it. Even though the idea of me being a mother scares me,” she whispered and took a pillow from the bed to hug, as if getting comfort from it. “But then, this is how it turned out. As much as I love daddy and want to please him, I can’t force you into something like this, because I care about you too,” she turned around on the bed to face Hijikata with a sad smile on her face._

_Hijikata was taken aback from the princess’ love for her father. She really had been ready to go this far just to make him happy, even if it would mean sacrificing her own well-being. That made Hijikata wonder, and he couldn’t help but ask:_

_“This marriage… is it something you really want, or is it just another way to try to please your father?”_

_Natsuki’s smile faded away for a moment from the question, but soon she put it back on her face.“Of course I want this marriage to happen. Who wouldn’t want to marry such a handsome and kind man like you,” she chuckled but didn’t look Hijikata in the eyes when she said it._

_Hijikata wasn’t convinced from the answer, and he pressed on. “Do you know the reason why your father wanted us to have a child?” he asked, a slight demanding tone showing in his voice. This was the first time the princess was opening up about her relationship with the king, and it had turned out to be more interesting than Hijikata had expected._

_“He wishes to have our child as his successor to the throne,” she said tersely, clearly a bit upset from Hijikata’s sudden questioning._

_“And that doesn’t bother you? I mean, aren’t you the next rightful ruler?” Hijikata wondered, trying to make an eye contact with Natsuki, who was clearly trying to avoid it._

_“Daddy knows what’s best for this kingdom and if he say’s that his grandchild is more suitable for the job than me, I’m not going to argue,” she said flatly, an irritation showing on her face._

_“But don’t you want to-,”_

_“I’m not liking this conversation very much,” Natsuki said indignantly, “Besides, the wedding is tomorrow, and I wouldn’t want either of us to feel upset on that day because we had said tonight something unnecessary to one another.”_

_Hijikata sighed in defeat. “Fine, but what are we going to do from now on? Your father will realize eventually that you’re not carrying a child.” he noted as he finished putting his clothes back on. “And nothing stops him to tell us to try again until he gets what he wants.”_

_“I know,” Natsuki admitted, “We will have to figure out something else then when the time comes,” she said determined, “But you will also have to be prepared. In the end there might not be a way to go around this,” she warned._

_“Let’s hope that I’m out of here before it comes to that,” Hijikata muttered to himself._

_“Sorry?”_

_“Nothing. Anyway, I guess we are done here. You can go now,” Hijikata pointed the door and made his way towards a couch near the room’s window. Somehow, he didn’t feel like sleeping in the bed tonight._

_“Oh, we are not over yet,” Natsuki called after Hijikata, making him stop on his tracks._

_“Ha?”_

_“I think we have been oddly silent for a couple who are in the middle of the love making, don’t you think? And the guards behind the door are probably having the same thoughts,” she glanced at the door._

_“Where are you getting at?” Hijikata asked confused._

_“AAAAHHH!” Natsuki suddenly screamed form top of her lungs, making Hijikata almost fall on his back from surprise._

_“Shh! What the hell do you think you are doing?!” Hijikata whispered angrily, his face bright red._

_“OHHH!!” Natsuki kept yelling and started to hit the wall behind the bed._

_“Seriously, cut it out!”_

_“If we don’t make this sound believable, our lie will get exposed right away. MORE PLEASE!” Natsuki moaned as she jumped up and down on the bed, making it squeak from the movement._

_“Damn right we get exposed when you suddenly start screaming alone like that!”_

_“Then you better join me,” Natsuki commented casually and let out yet another loud passionate yell._

_Hijikata stared at the princess in disbelief. No way he would follow her idiotic behavior. If she wanted to make a fool out of herself then fine, but he was going to stay out of it._

_“Come on, just few powerful groans, that’s all I’m asking,” Natsuki panted as she kept jumping in the bed._

_“I’m sure you can do it by yourself,” Hijikata said flatly while covering his ears from the racket._

_“Fine, suit yourself. I guess we will do this for real next time then,” Natsuki threatened impishly, making Hijikata frown at her._

_“What are you talking about?”_

_“Unless we both make sounds, the guards will definitely doubt us and then they will tell daddy.”_

_“You don’t know that! Besides, you have probably ruined our so called ‘plan’ already!”_

_“Then you have nothing to lose, right?” Natsuki grinned cunningly._

_Hijikata gritted his teeth in frustration. Maybe he should just jump out of the window to his death because soon he was going to die from embarrassment anyway._

_“It’s easy. Just imagine something that makes you feel like you are in seventh heaven,” Natsuki instructed and moaned loudly again._

_What kind of things was she imagining? Hijikata didn’t want to even guess. Hijikata closed his eyes as he took a deep breath. He would just make few yells and then he would be done with it._

_“Okay, imagine something nice, something nice,” he thought to himself, trying to ignore the awkward noises the princess was making. Normally a first thing that would come to his mind would be mayonnaise, but right now he didn’t want to think of anything like that. Okay, what should it be then? Cigarettes? No, though he really could use one right now. The Shinsengumi? Well, it’s very dear to him, but pretending having sex while having Kondo and others in his mind would be way too disturbing!_

_Why the hell he’s even wasting time with this?! Just one loud yell and that’s it. He would yell the same way he always yells to the Yorozuya after the perm head has done something to piss him off._

_Yorozuya?_

_“Gintoki?”_

_As soon as Hijikata had said the Yorozuya’s name out loud, the image of the grinning perm-head came to his mind. Even though it had been only few hours since they had separated, it really felt like Gintoki had left days ago. He would probably join the princess in this ridiculous performance. Gintoki always did and said things that would make Hijikata feel embraced, and then he would tease him about his blushing that followed right after._

_But since when had he started to blush so often? He had endured Gintoki’s teasing and goofing around for years but rarely had he blushed because of it. What changed? Because they had spent so much time here together, is that it? Had he lowered his guard down without even noticing it? And day by day and a bit by bit Gintoki had managed to break the walls surrounding him and that’s why he was so sensitive to Gintoki’s teasing? Because the days they had spent here together had made the two of them closer than ever. Both emotionally and… physically._

_Physically? Hijikata wasn’t sure if the closeness in physically could get any closer between them, remembering how intimate at least Gintoki’s hand had been with him a short time ago. It had been so weird, scary and perverted but damnit it! It hadn’t really been that unpleasant. It… it had been niceish. And if something similar like that were to happen again, he might not be able to resist it as much as last time…_

_Hijikata squeezed his eyes as he kept them closed. A vivid picture of that particular night formed in his mid, but instead of picturing only Gintoki’s hand, the image involved whole Gintoki from his sliver hair to his smugly grin. Hijikata couldn’t stop his brains from doing this to him. He forgot all the surroundings around him._

_Now it was only him and Gintoki in his head. He could smell the mix of the forest and the smoke from the campfire and hear the silent singing of the birds in the trees. The darkness of the night surrounded them, but Hijikata could see Gintoki lying next to him, staring at him with his dead eyes. Gintoki smiled slyly as he inch by inch slid his hand along Hijikata’s leg, slowly and teasingly making his way towards Hijikata’s crotch area._

_Hijikata’s chest was rising and falling rapidly as his imagination was running wild. He could remember the pressure and warmness that Gintoki’s hand had created and it was so close to its destination. And when Hijikata pictured in his mind Gintoki’s hand finally reaching its goal, all the muscles in his body seemed to recall the sensation of the night as his body twitched suddenly, like something powerful and invisible had went right trough him._

_“AAHHH!!”_

_“Oh, that was a good one,” Natsuki praised as she jumped off from the bed, “I think we can keep that as the closure.”_

_“Huh?” Hijikata opened his eyes, his chest still falling and rising heavily, and his cheeks were red as tomato._

_“You really reached the seventh heaven, didn’t you? It looked like you were in a different world,” Natsuki said admiringly as she slowly made her way towards the door._

_“You are leaving?” Hijikata asked puzzled. He didn’t know why he even asked such a question. He felt so dizzy, like he had just woken up from a very long dream._

_“It is a big day tomorrow. We both need a good night’s sleep,” Natsuki smiled as she looked at Hijikata with a wondering look on her face._

_“What?”_

_“You must miss him, right? It was Sakata-san who you were thinking of just now, wasn’t it,” she replied softly. “Even though he was your servant, I noticed how close you two were. You had this strange but special connection, something I’ve never seen before. It’s really shame he had to leave to find inner peace,” she bemoaned._

_“He did what?!” Hijikata exclaimed and was going to tell the real reason why Gintoki had left, until he remembered the king’s words: “Don’t bother to share our little conversation with her. She wouldn’t believe it anyway.”_

_“Hm?” Natsuki raised her eyebrows._

_“Nothing,” Hijikata sighed. She hadn’t liked to hear critic about her father earlier, so why would it be any different now? Telling her that his father had sent Gintoki away by threatening to kill him would be the same as telling her that the moon is made of cheese._

_“I hope he will come to visit us some day,” Natsuki smiled hopefully._

_“Yeah, I hope so too,” Hijikata muttered._

 

 

 

 

 

Hijikata sat down on a wooden bench near the garden’s fountain to smoke the last remains of his last cigarette. His cigarette box was empty and he craved for a new one but he hadn’t seen anywhere a vending machine or a shop he could buy them from. Did these people even smoke? He didn’t bother to ask if he could get cigarettes somewhere; he was more than certain that the answer would be negative.

“Good morning, groom!” a low and annoyingly cheerful voice greeted Hijikata. He ignored the king’s presence as he dropped his cigarette on the ground and stamped it with his foot.

“Beautiful day, isn’t it? A perfect weather for the wedding,” the king breathed in the fresh morning air. “Feeling nervous?” he asked as he noticed the cigarette on the ground.

Hijikata didn’t replay, he just stared to nothingness and treated the king like air.

“I asked, do you feel nervous?” the king repeated louder, while the guards who had companied Hijikata, bended their spears at him.

“Go ahead and slice my neck, if that’s what you want,” Hijikata replied flatly, not the least bit worried about the weapons pointed at him.

“All in good time. As soon as the child is born healthy, I’ll free your head from the shoulders with my own hands,” the king said coolly. He was a bit annoyed that his threatening wasn’t affecting Hijikata.

“Sure you do…,” Hijikata said lazily without batting an eye.

“It’s a good thing that you were willing to co-operative last night. And by that I mean good thing for you. If you hadn’t done as I told you, you would be in a much more uncomfortable situation,” the king said as he sat on the bench next to Hijikata.

He didn’t let it show in any way, but Hijikata was relieved that at least for now the king seemed to be in the belief that everything was going according to his plan. But if Hijikata would have to stay here much longer, he would eventually have to bite the bullet he had barely managed to avoid last night.

“It will be a glorious day when that child is born,” the king smiled, enjoying the warmness of the sunlight on his face.

“What glories are there? I already feel sorry for that child. He won’t ever get to know the love of his mother when his mad grandfather is forcing his twisted thoughts in his head as soon as he takes his first gasps of breath,” Hijikata said in hollow voice, still refusing to look at the king next to him.

“Do you think I’m some kind of monster?” the king sneered, “The amount of love that child is going to get in this family is something you can only dream of,” he laughed derisively.

“Love comes in many forms.”

“Oh, I agree. Not even in my wildest imaginations could I have thought that you two would get so close with each other that you would eventually fall in love,” the king commented casually.

Hijikata frowned in confusion. He didn’t think him and the princess to be that close. Hell, the only reason they had been so ´close´ with each other last night was only because the king had made them to. And Hijikata had thought that the king had noticed the emotional gap between them as well but apparently that wasn’t the case.

“Hm, did the cat take your tongue? Or did I hit a sore spot?” the king asked, smiling slyly.

Hijikata was completely lost in this conversation. Where was the king getting at?

“First I didn’t think much of it when he kept following you everywhere, a strange person as he was, but soon I realized that he wasn’t following you just for the sake of it, there was a reason for it,” the king went on. ”All those ridiculous ways he invented just stay close to you, and all those long stares you shared with each other. And as if there hadn’t been proof enough, seeing the tape where you sleep in the forest together worked as the last evidence for my suspicions.

Now that I think about it, I almost feel guilty that I separated you two so cruelly. Maybe I should have at least let you share a goodbye kiss. But then again, you are engaged to my daughter,” he said as he stared Hijikata closely, watching how his words slowly made Hijikata lose the control of not showing his emotions on his face.

Hijikata kept his gaze straight forward, but his eyes were wide from the shock. The king had caught him completely off guard. How calmly he had talked about it, saying out loud all those things Hijikata had struggled with in his mind in the past two days. He had tried to convince himself over and over again how ridiculous and unthinkable his thoughts had been, but now, when even the king admitted noticing how things had changed between him and Gintoki, did it mean that it was true? That he… liked Gintoki? Possibly even more than just like?

The king looked at Hijikata with concerned look in his eyes. “Oh, dear boy, I didn’t mean to shock you. I thought you already knew,” he moaned and tapped Hijikata on the shoulder, “Oh, this is just too cruel. And you didn’t even get a chance to tell him how you feel. Sometimes life’s just not fair. But look at the time, I think it’s time you go back inside to prepare yourself for the wedding. The servants will help you to get ready,”the king gave a final tap on Hijikata’s shoulder before he stood up and the guards made speechless Hijikata to stand on his feet as well, before leading him back inside the palace.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Lazily Gintoki woke up as the bright sunlight hit his eyes. What a strange dream he had seen again. Hijikata being handcuffed to a bed and passionately moaning his name was something that would certainly haunt him the rest of the day. He noticed Tomohiro being already up, preparing something that was supposedly the breakfast. There were all sorts of berries, mushrooms and leaves on a rock that served as a table.

“Expecting a lot of animals to company us on the breakfast?” Gintoki joked as he sat down, not finding the look of the ´breakfast table’ very appetizing.

“I didn’t exactly have time to pack breakfast equipment with me when I left from the palace, so this is the best I could make,” Tomohiro said sharply, “But you can go ahead and search for a Michelin star restaurant if you want.”

“Maybe for the lunch, for now I guess I have to live with these,” Gintoki replied and put a handful of berries that looked like strawberries into his mouth before immediately spitting them out. “Yack! What are these?! Cheap copies of strawberries? I guess I go with the leaves then,” he decided and again started with a big portion, and the result was the same. “Ugh! Are these poisonous?! My tongue feels funny,” Gintoki wiped his tongue with his hand. “Well, third time is the charm,” he said and was about to grab most of the mushrooms until Tomohiro slapped his hand away.

“Do you know how long it took me to find all these?! Just take a bite from one and then take more if you like them!” he snapped.

“Then you should have put a sign that says ‘take one at a time!’ When you’re living under the same roof with a giant dog and a girl whose stomach is a one big black hole, you take food as much as you can, or you won’t get anything!”

“Do you see here anyone else besides us?! And normally people take only a small taste of food when it’s new to them!”

“Oh shut up! I eat my way and you eat your way, how about that!” Gintoki exclaimed and stuffed his mouth with mushrooms. “Hmm, not that bad actually,” he munched loudly. “Wait, now comes the aftertaste… no, not liking it,” he spitted the food out of his mouth, “I leave the rest to you,” he said to Tomohiro, who unfortunately had lost his appetite after watching such an act.

“Just out of curiosity, how did you escape from the palace? I thought you were under a careful watch,” Gintoki asked as he tried to find something eatable from nearby.

“Funny you should ask. I used something that’s familiar to you I believe,” Tomohiro reckoned and took a small bottle from his uniform’s pocket.

“Oh, clever. How did you get that?” Gintoki wondered when he recognized the smelling salt bottle that he had gotten from Philomena before it had been taken from him.

“From the same guard who had taken it from you. He came to me when I was in the princess’ room looking after her. He asked me where to put it, and well, it was an opportunity I used without giving it a second thought. The princess was at the same time in her bathroom preparing herself for the night, so I knocked the guard down and fled with the bottle,” Tomohiro explained.“This truly is powerful. I wonder where Philomena has gotten this from. Or has she prepared this herself?” he admired holding the bottle in his hand.

“Yeah, it’s not bad. But you sure had luck with you as well since the princess happened to be preparing herself for sleep when you knocked that guard down," Gintoki mentioned.

“Yes. For the sleep…,” Tomohiro said hesitantly.

“What? What was she going to do if not going to sleep?” Gintoki asked as he finally gave up for finding something eatable.

“It’s nothing. Maybe it’s the best that you don’t know about it,” Tomohiro said evasively while caressing his long beard.

“No, go ahead, what was she preparing herself for? Does she turn into a monster at nights and she tried to put a make-up to cover her transformation?”

“No. She prepared herself to spend the night with your friend,” Tomohiro corrected firmly.

“To spend a night with Hijikata? What were they going to? Pillow fight?” Gintoki laughed but Tomohiro didn’t look amused at all. “No, seriously what was the occasion? Or are you telling me they ´spent´ the night together, if you know what I mean,” Gintoki chuckled but when Tomohiro wasn’t saying anything, he got more serious. “Oi, oi, you are joking right? Why would they do that? Or I mean, I know why the princess would want to do it, she can’t keep her hands off him. But Hijikata would never…,” Gintoki let out a nervous chuckle.

“I’m afraid it had nothing to do with what he or the princess wanted. It’s what the king wanted. And the king wants an heir,” Tomohiro stated, not sounding pleased about the idea either.

“WHAT THE HELL?! He can’t tell them to do that! And Hijikata would never go through with it! Surely he would…!”

Gintoki stopped at the middle of his sentence. But then again, how easily the king had separated him and Hijikata. There was nothing that the king couldn’t do, and now that Hijikata was alone in the palace against him, how could he possibly fight back?

_What have I done? I should have never left him!_

Gintoki grabbed his sword and started to run towards the palace.

“Where are you going?” Tomohiro called after him gently.

“Isn’t that obvious? I don’t care if I have to bring that palace down with my bare hands, I’m getting Hijikata back and then I give the king the lesson of his life,” Gintoki said fervently, his face flooded with angry color.

“An ambitious plan, I admit, but it will most likely fail. You can’t possibly beat all the guards alone, let alone even get inside the palace,” Tomohiro noted calmly.

“Right now, I couldn’t care less what my odds are. I’ll save Hijikata even if it would take my life,” Gintoki said defiantly.

“And most definitely he will refuse to get saved if it means sparing your life.”

“Whose side you’re on, old man? If you’re that worried about my life then feel free to join me, otherwise keep your thoughts to yourself,” Gintoki said sharply and was ready to sprint off again.

“When you arrive to the palace, you won’t find Hijikata-san or the king from there. Only guards,” Tomohiro warned.

“What do you mean?”

“It’s the wedding day. They are soon leaving towards the church. And after he and the princess are married, it’s not only his bachelor days that are over, his life will soon be over as well.”

“I think he lost his life already on the day we arrived here.”

“After the wedding, Hijikata’s life depends on the child. If the child is born healthy, Hijikata will be killed because there won’t be any use for him after that. And if for some reason there would be problems with pregnancy, he would have to try again with the princess until everything goes right. The marriage is only a formality so that the child won’t be illegitimate and other kingdoms won’t protest because the law forbids an illegitimate child to become a ruler.”

“Where’s the wedding held?” Gintoki asked impatiently.

“In the royal church. If you go through the forest you will eventually find a road that takes you there. But it’s a long way. You won’t ever make it in time,” Tomohiro sighed shaking his head.

“Someone said to me once, ‘If you set your mind onto something, nothing is impossible. There’s always a way’,” Gintoki recalled, and looked at Tomohiro with a wondering look on his face. “Why did you come here? Actually, why did you even take me to this planet in the first place? I wasn’t part of the king’s original plan anyway,” he asked.

Tomohiro was silent for a moment, as if considering what to say. “I’m not even sure anymore,” he said slowly, “I guess I hoped that you could make a difference here. That somehow you would bring an end to the king’s madness and things would get better in here,” he chuckled, finding his plan suddenly really foolish.

“No offence, but how was I supposed to do that when you weren’t even helping to get me and Hijikata out of the palace,” Gintoki said flatly, though he felt some sympathy for the old man.

“My hands were tied. I couldn’t help you without getting caught. I just trusted in you that you would come up with something. And I…I just enjoyed having you…here,” Tomohiro whispered and crossed his hands to stop them from shaking.

“Well, I admit that you aren’t so bad either. Expect that terrible habit of yours to sneak up on me,” Gintoki smiled a little, making Tomohiro smile as well. “But now I’ve got to go. It’s up to you to decide what you’re going to do.”

“You’re still going?” Tomohiro asked worriedly.

“You let the king rob from you someone dear to you, but I’m going to fight for mine,” Gintoki said, his dead eyes filled with determination and courage. “When the wedding begins?”

“At 14.00, but…,”

“And what time is it now?”

“12.00, but…,”

Tomohiro couldn’t say more when Gintoki was already dashing through the woods, running as fast as he could.

 

_I’m coming Hijikata, I’m coming._

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hijikata sat restlessly on the side of his bed. The black tuxedo that the servants had forced him to wear felt uncomfortable and the shoes were one size too small for him. Hijikata tried to loosen the white bow tie around his neck as he kept looking at the clock on the wall. The servants had said that the guards would pick him up from his room when it was time to leave towards the church.

So this was really happening. He was going to marry a walking and talking mayo bottle. He had experienced a lot of strange things in his life but this was something no one would believe if he told about it. If only he could tell someone, that is.

Hijikata was slowly starting to accept the fact that he could not escape from this planet, and there was no one who would come to save him either. There were no traces left where or when he had been kidnapped, so Kondo and the others didn’t have any clues where to search for him. Well, maybe the guys wouldn’t miss him as much as he would miss them. Sougo could finally become the Vice-Chief like he had always wanted to. Yamazaki could practice his badminton without anyone beating him up for it, and Kondo could stalk the Shimura woman all day long without anyone stopping him.

Hijikata sighed. Back on the Earth he had always preferred to be alone, avoiding all the big gatherings, but right now he would have given anything to be surrounded by all the familiar faces. Including Gintoki’s. Hijikata wondered where Gintoki was right now. Was he already in the spaceship returning home? Or had something happened to him after he had left the palace?

Hijikata smiled. The first option sounded nicer. If Gintoki made it back home, he could tell the rest of the Shinsengumi what had happened and then they could come and search for him. Then his smile faded. But the second option was more realistic. No way the king would leave Gintoki an opportunity to come back for him. To make sure that Gintoki wouldn’t cause any problems, the most logical thing would be to… kill him. Cold shivers went down Hijikata’s back.

Gintoki was a great fighter, but even he wouldn’t stand a chance to defeat all the guards the king would send after him. And he probably had sent them already. And Gintoki might be fighting for his live at this very moment or he could be dead already. Hijikata shook his head. It didn’t help to think like that.

Suddenly a strong breeze from outside opened the loosely closed window. When Hijikata got up from the bed to close it, he saw something peeking in between the window and the windowsill. Curious, Hijikata took a closer look and he noticed that it was a paper. Carefully Hijikata picked it from the windowsill and examined it. The paper looked old and tattered, but he could still read the handwriting on it.

 

_Not sure why I’m even writing these. Writing a dairy is something that girls do, not men. My cousin Natsuki however, recommend this when he said I look like I have a lot of stuff on my heart. Seriously, what does she know? Anyway, here goes._

_Uncle lectured me again about all the things I have to take care of when I’m a king. I couldn’t care less. All my friends are out enjoying their life to the fullest, partying and all, and I have to stay inside learing all about the taxes and other boring stuff. But recently I’ve noticed that I’m not the only one who would like to spend time more outside than inside the palace._

_My aunt visits almost every day the forests, drawing different kinds of animals and flowers she sees there. She’s good at drawing, I admit that, but shouldn’t the queen have something more important things to do than spending time with animals? She even told me today that one day she wants to draw a mayo lizard. Yeah, good luck with that. Uncle would never let her go out there to find them, because it’s too dangerous. And he’s right, but it could be kind of fun and exciting too._

_Nowadays uncle’s so boring. Father used to tell me about all the adventures he and uncle experienced in their youth, but I guess all the power uncle has now, has made him to be more interested about money and how to get more of it. Maybe that’s why aunt-_

 

The note ended. Hijikata turned the paper around, expecting to find more writing but there was none. Why did it end so oddly? Had something interrupted the writer and he hadn’t remembered to finish the note later or hadn’t cared to finish? And why the page had been hidden like this? Hijikata searched the room in the hope of finding the actual diary he assumed the page had been teared off from. Maybe there would even read who had wrote the note. He looked from every possible and impossible place he could think of but in the end, he couldn’t find anything.

Who was this mysterious writer? What Hijikata could understand from the letter was that he had been the princess’ cousin and also a prince. And he had been meant to become the king. But what had happened to him and where was he now? Hijikata read the note again, trying to get a better understanding of it. The last line got his attention. The king had said that a mayo lizard killed his wife three years ago, but he had never said where exactly and what had been the circumstances. Could it be that…?

The door opened without a warning, and Hijikata quickly throw the paper away out of the sight when three guards stepped in the room. “It’s time to go, mayo,” they said in unison.

 

 

Hijikata was led to the front gates where his royal seat with wheels was waiting him. The whole staff of the palace was outside bowing to him in respect as he passed them by. After he had sat down on his wagon, the gates opened, and as they left, the staff behind them clapped in celebration.

As they traveled towards the church, villagers started to appear on the side of the road, all of them smiling and clapping their hands happily while shouting “congratulations, my lord!” Some where even crying from joy. Hijikata tried to smile back at the friendly people, but he couldn’t properly hide the depression and uneasiness he felt. He also felt sorry for them.

The reason why the people were so excited about the wedding was probably because they thought that Hijikata would be the next ruler, soon replacing the old and selfish king who had brought nothing but misery to the them. How betrayed they would feel when they would realize that the next ruler wouldn’t be Hijikata, but the king’s grandchild, who would rule the same way as his grandfather. And then he would raise his child the exact same way and the circle would go on and on. Nothing would ever change.

A loud toll of the bells echoed in the area when they finally reached their destination. The church, where Hijikata and the princess were soon about to tie the knot, looked historical. It was completely white and made of stone, and its high tower was surround by four small silver-colored domes. Just the look of the church made Hijikata’s throat feel dry and tight. But the guards didn’t give him time to clear his throat when they immediately took him through the giant wooden doors of the church.

The church was full of people, and everyone turned around on their seats when they heard the doors opening. Hijikata kept his look forward as he walked down the aisle, feeling all the curious gazes on him. His footsteps echoed on a stone floor as he made his way towards the altar. He had no idea who all these people were, but he guessed that at least some of them had to be from royal families from the other kingdoms. Hijikata could see from the corner of his eye how their crowns and tiaras sparkled in the light when they turned their heads towards him.

Inside of the church, the colors of gold and bronze dominated the walls and the pillars that held the high roof up. The altar didn’t seem very large, but a big golden reredos behind it probably made it look smaller than it really was. The reredos was very decorative, and in the middle of it was a statue that resembled a female mayo bottle that had wings on her back, and from there she watched Hijikata with her empty gaze as he approached the altar.

The guards made him stand in front of the altar, where he was greeted by the priest of the ceremony. The priest wore a black cloak and had a pale and wrinkled face, and his greyish eyes disappeared under his grey and bushy eyebrows as he smiled warmly to Hijikata.

“No need to be ashamed, my lord mayo,” he whispered gently, “You are not the first groom and not the last one I see being nervous just before the wedding, mayo” he assured and took Hijikata’s hand in his own. “Just breathe calmly and try not to faint, mayo. I’ll take care of the rest, mayo” he said jokingly.

Hijikata did as advised and took slow and deep breaths while listening all the whispering he heard behind him among the guests. But surprisingly Hijikata wasn’t that nervous really. Actually, he didn’t feel anything in particular. No anger, no fear. It was like someone had sucked out all the emotions of him and left nothing but a hollow shell. Huh. Maybe Gintoki had been right. Maybe the princess was a dementor after all.

Then the whole church fell in silence, and the priest made himself stand straight. The silence continued a little longer, until the sound of an organ filled the church. Hijikata heard all sorts of rustling noise as the guests stood up and turned their focus at the doors. The doors creaked, and Hijikata knew that the bride was entering the aisle. He kept his back turned at the doors, sensing how the distance between him and her got smaller and smaller. Hijikata gazed at the mayo angel statue whose peaceful smile felt more like a mocking than a comforting one.

The priest interrupted Hijikata’s staring contest with the statue, when he gestured Hijikata to turn around. He took one last deep breath before turning around, finding the princess in front of him, carrying a red rose bouquet in her hands. She was dressed in a white wedding dress and a veil hide her face. Natsuki raised her jaw a little so that their eyes met for a second, and Hijikata could see a single tear falling from her eye as she tried to smile to him with trembling lips. The king, who had walked with his daughter to the aisle, kissed her gently on her forehead and flashed a confident smile at Hijikata before leaving them alone on the altar.

The priest gestured the guests to sit down, and then he began, “Dear friends and family, we have gathered here today to witness and celebrate the union of princess Natsuki and prince Mayora the 13th in marriage, mayo. Through their time together, they have come to realize that their personal dreams, hopes, and goals are more attainable and more meaningful through the combined effort and mutual support provided in love, commitment, and family; and so they have decided to live together as husband and wife…,” he went on with his calm and stable voice.

Hijikata didn’t care to pay much attention to the priest’s words. His eyes wondered back to the golden reredos and its statue.

_Real gold. Gintoki could use some of that. Then he could finally pay his taxes like a proper citizen. Like hell he would. Half would be spent to numerous parfaits, and the rest would be used to pay his medical bills after finally getting diagnosed with diabetes._

Hijikata realized that he wouldn’t complain to Gintoki about not paying his taxes or criticize his terrible sugar diet ever again. Honestly, he was going to miss that, his endless fights and quarrels with the perm head. Somehow it had always been the most comfortable way to have conversations, (if you could call them that) with him.

All those times that he and Gintoki had insulted each other in one way or another and had made themselves to be at each other’s throat, flashed before his eyes. Hijikata wondered how he had ever had the time to take care of his duty as a cop now that it felt that he had used most of his time fighting with Gintoki. But now, when he was all alone, and his old life as Hijikata Toshirou would soon end, thinking back all those moments with Gintoki wasn’t so bad. It made him feel calm and relaxed. The king could take his freedom and his life, but his memories would stay with him.

Hijikata turned his head to look at the church’s closed doors. If this had been some cliché-filled romantic movie, Gintoki would come dashing thorough the doors yelling ‘stop the wedding’. Normally Hijikata would have prayed the god for not having to witness something embarrassing like that, but right now, he wouldn’t have minded it the least bit.

 

“Ahem. My lord, mayo?”

 

_I wouldn’t mind it at all…_

 

“My lord, mayo.” Hijikata felt someone poking his arm with an elbow next to him, so he turned his focus back to the altar. The priest looked at him a bit worriedly before apparently repeating the question: “Do you, Mayora the 13th, take Natsuki to be your lawfully wedded wife, promising to love and cherish, through joy and sorrow, sickness and health, and whatever challenges you may face, for as long as you both shall live, mayo?"

Hijikata felt burning in his throat. Natsuki standing next to him kept her gaze in the front, quietly waiting for her own turn to reply to the same question. The priest looked at Hijikata expectedly and tried to help him out by silently telling the correct words for him to say.

“I…I…,” Hijikata stuttered, the words getting stuck in his throat.

 

 

 

 

 

 

“OUT OF MY WAY!!”

Gintoki roared out of breath, trying to make his way through the large crowd who was out in the streets dancing and singing in celebration. He harshly pushed the people from his way if they didn’t step aside in time. He didn’t care about anyone else right now. Hijikata was the only one in his mind. His whole body ached from all the running, and his heart raced so hard, it might had just as well burst out from his chest.

But Gintoki had no intention to stop. Not now, when he was so close. He even feared that if he stopped now, he wouldn’t be able to move his legs anymore. So exhausted he was. When he would get inside the church, he would run to the altar, grab Hijikata’s hand and take him with him, and with his other hand he would hit the king right in the middle of his smug face. After that, he wasn’t sure what they would do. Where would they run? How would they get out of the planet? The only thing he knew for sure was that he wouldn’t let go of Hijikata’s hand once he would get a hold of it. He wouldn’t leave him behind again. Gintoki would stay with him until they were safely back on Edo.

Only after that would he let go of Hijikata’s hand, and even then, he would do it reluctantly. If only he could know was Hijikata feeling even the slightest bit the same way about him as he was about Hijikata? Then he might even have the courage to tell Hijikata about his feelings. But Gintoki was more than prepared for the possibility that he would have to live with his one-sided feelings through the rest of his life. He was ready for it. He just wanted to bring Hijikata back home.

Gintoki kept running, trying to spot the church that was supposed to be nearby. It had been a while since he had seen a sign that had pointed the direction to the church. Gintoki looked around desperately but could only see streets full of people. He then saw a man walking alone on a quiet alley, and Gintoki quickly ran to him.

“Hoi! Where’s the royal church?!” he demanded, pulling the man from his jacket’s collars.

“Pa-pardon, mayo?”

“The royal church! Where the prince gets married!”

“I-it’s just around the corner, mayo,” the man stuttered, squeezing his eyes shut from fear as he pointed the right direction. When he dared to open his eyes again, Gintoki had already vanished from his sight.

Gintoki took a strong hold of his sword as he approached the church’s stairs, his knuckles turning white from the tight grip. He glanced at the giant clock that was on the church tower. He had made it. The wedding had hardly even begun yet.

Besides a few people passing it by, there wasn’t anyone in the near presence of the church and he made his way to the top of the stairs quickly. Not hesitating for even a second, Gintoki pushed the doors open.

“STOP THE WEDDING!”

he yelled, only to realize, that the church he had rushed into…was empty.

There was no one. Only empty seats and flower decorations hanging from them. But… how? He was only 15 minutes late; no wedding is over that quickly. Had the old man lied to him about the right time? Or was he in the wrong church?

Gintoki didn’t know what to think. The shock made the pain in his chest go stronger and he couldn’t breathe properly, feeling like he was suffocating. Staring at the impossible sight, he noticed someone moving near the altar, and Gintoki pushed himself forward to catch that person.

“Ah, hello there, mayo. What can I do for you, mayo?” the priest asked friendly when he noticed heavily breathing Gintoki approaching him.

“Where is… everyone? There was supposed to be a… wedding here, right?” Gintoki asked hoarsely, holding his chest.

“Oh, there was, about an hour ago, mayo,” the priest smiled in a gentle but reserved manner, the appearance of Gintoki worrying him a bit.

“An hour ago?” Gintoki gasped.

“Yes, mayo. Though I must say, to bring the wedding forward only a one day’s notice doesn’t show very good manners, mayo,” the priest said indignantly but right after he glanced at the walls nervously, afraid that someone else might had heard him.

“Forward? By the king?”

“Yes, mayo. The king said that this had been a precaution, in case some lunatic that apparently lives in the woods would come to ruin the wedding, mayo” the priest said, now eyeing Gintoki slightly suspiciously.

Gintoki tried to steady his breathing while cursing the king to the deepest pits of hell in his mind. The king had been once again one step ahead of him. Devastated, he shambled out of the church and flopped on the stairs, while being passed by the brightly smiling people. He had let Hijikata down. Again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!


	11. Something worth fighting for part 1

“Rock, scissors, paper! Hahaa! You lose! Pay up!” Gintoki mocked his opponent and wiggled his fingers as a sign to give him his prize. “Hey, hey not the ones with mayonnaise inside them! Come on, there’s still chocolates with only mayonnaise topping,” Gintoki protested when a little mayo girl tried to give Gintoki his prize from her small bag full of different kinds of chocolates.

The girl pouted and searched from her bag a chocolate with hardened mayonnaise topping on it and reluctantly handed it to Gintoki. “But these are the best ones, mayo! And you don’t even eat them properly, mayo!” she argued with her small and shrill voice.

“Things don’t always go the way you want them to, kid. Be it trying to save your favorite chocolate for yourself or trying to rescue the person you’re fond of,” Gintoki lectured while holding the chocolate in his hand and carefully slicing the mayonnaise topping off with the edge of his sword. “Ahh. Why you people ruin an already perfect product with mayonnaise is something I won’t ever understand,” he munched passionately his eyes closed and let the sweet taste of chocolate take over in his mouth.

“Hurry up, mayo! Let’s play again, mayo!” the girl rushed, stamping her feet impatiently on the stairs of the church where she and Gintoki were sitting on.

“That eager to lose, huh?” Gintoki smirked smugly and they started to shake their hands again and chanted in unison.

“Rock, scissors…!”

“What are you doing?” a familiar voice commented in the middle of their game.

“I’m upgrading my sugar levels so that I can come up with a new strategy. Brains need sugar, you know,” Gintoki replied absently, his mind focused on the thrilling game.

“Hahaa, mayo! Paper wins rock, I win, mayo!” the girl giggled and eagerly reached out her hand towards Gintoki’s perm head.

“That’s not fair! That old geezer made me lose my focus! We didn’t even chant the whole rhyme! I call a re-round!” Gintoki protested and covered his precious hair with his hands.

“Denied, mayo! Pay up, mayo! “

Tomohiro shook his head in disbelief. “So this is what you have been doing? Gambling with a little girl?”

“This isn’t gambling. This is bartering, fair and square. Or it was, till now,” Gintoki added indignantly and pulled one curly string of hair from his head and gave it to the girl. “If I win, I get chocolate from her, and if she wins, I give her a string of my hair.”

“My doll’s hair is almost gone, sir, mayo,” the girl waved the doll in her hands and looked at Tomohiro with her blue, puppy-like eyes. “He needs new ones and this foolish old man has really beautiful silver hair, mayo.”

“Who are you calling old and foolish?!” Gintoki exclaimed offended. “That’s penalty for you for insulting the opponent! Give me 5 chocolates right now!”

“We don’t have penalties, mayo! And stating the facts isn’t insulting, mayo!”

“Watch your mouth! I’ve told you a lot of inspiring life’s lessons, so actually you should just hand over all the chocolates as a thanks!” Gintoki insisted and was ready to take the bag from the girl, but she immediately took it away from his reach.

“You haven’t taught me anything, mayo! You have just talked about your imaginary prince boyfriend and whined how the princess has stolen him from you, mayo! Princes marry princess’, not hobos, mayo!”

“Alright, that’s it young lady! Let’s step outside!” Gintoki said fervently and sprang to his feet.

“We are already outside, mayo!” the girl retorted and shook her little fists at Gintoki. “I can take you out even with my eyes closed, mayo.”

“Yeah, you go ahead and do that. That way it’s easier for me to take the chocolates that belong rightfully to me,” Gintoki sneered. But before either of them could do a thing, a woman’s voice called out for Gintoki.

“What do you think you’re doing to my daughter, mayo?!” she shrieked and angrily glared at Gintoki.

“Mommy, mayo! This hobo tries to steal all my chocolates, mayo!” the girl said accusatorily.

“And she tries to make me bold!” Gintoki complained, as if there was any possibility that the woman would take his side on the argument.

“Stop harassing my daughter immediately or I will call the guards to arrest you, mayo!” she threatened.

Gintoki raised his hands in surrender and watched how the girl mockingly showed him her tongue as she run down the stairs to her mother. “Yeah, you better run! Cheater!” Gintoki yelled after her. The woman gave him a final death glare before leaving with her daughter.

Tomohiro rubbed his forehead embarrassed. “And just when I thought that you couldn’t surprise me more,” he muttered.

“Is there any child in this whole freaking planet who doesn’t make my blood boil?” Gintoki wondered and came down the stairs as well.

“I doubt it,” Tomohiro replied shortly, and took a few steps back when Gintoki approached him. “So you didn’t make it in time,” he noted, looking at Gintoki compassionately.

“No, I didn’t. The king had brought the wedding forward by one hour, that cunning bastard,” Gintoki chuckled bitterly, rubbing his back of the head.

“I tried to warn you,” Tomohiro reminded.

Gintoki snorted derisively as he stood close to Tomohiro. He stared silently at the old man with his dead eyes. “I guess you did,” he finally agreed. “But that’s how I am. When someone I care about is in danger, I don’t waste time. But what brings you here? Did you change your mind about the rescue operation?” he asked hopefully.

Tomohiro shook his head. “I came to tell you to give up. The wedding was your best chance to save Hijikata-san. But since you missed that opportunity, I suggest that you forget about him and try to continue your life here as well as you can, because there’s no way you can leave this planet alone.”

“So I should live in the wilderness? Like your son?” Gintoki said, making Tomohiro flinch. “You see, that’s the biggest difference between you and me. When someone strikes you down, you stay down, hoping that someday you might rise again, or that someone will help you to get up. Whereas I keep getting up again and again until I have no legs to stand on.” He held out his hand towards Tomohiro, a determined look in his eyes. “There isn’t only one right way to face the hardships, and to ask for or accept help is a good thing. But it can only take you so far. In the end, it’s all up to you whether you stay up or not. I will get in to that palace and save Hijikata. That’s my priority. And if you want to make changes in the palace, I will help you in that, but I won’t do it for you,” he said, waiting for hesitating Tomohiro to take his hand.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The atmosphere was joyful and relaxed on the palace’s banquet hall where all the royal guests where celebrating the newly wedded couple. Actually, the wedding couple was the only one who didn’t seem to enjoy the party at all. Hijikata and Natsuki sat on their own separated table, both taking small bites of the food while not feeling hungry the least bit.

Every now and then some guests visited their table to greet congratulate them. Natsuki took care of most of the talking, while sullen looking Hijikata just nodded occasionally, and if someone asked him something, he tried to reply as shortly as possible. Most uncomfortable situations were the ones where the guests wanted the couple to kiss each other, and there were many who wanted to see it. Mostly the pair managed to avoid the uncomfortable situation by saying, ‘something has to be saved for the wedding night’, but sometimes they just had to do it, but even then, they only settled with a small peck on the cheek.

Hijikata felt horrible. At the wedding ceremony he hadn’t felt practically anything, but now all the negative emotions seemed to overwhelm him. He felt anger for the king, pity for the princess, and sadness for Gintoki. The ignorance about Gintoki’s situation ate him up. Was he dead or alive? Was he still on this planet or had he gotten back home? He would probably never know. But maybe it would be the best after all. That way he wouldn’t get his hopes up about Gintoki coming back for him, nor would he feel grief for his death.

_Maybe I should just… forget about him… for good._

An elder lady with her husband came to greet him and Natsuki, and Hijikata quickly excused himself, saying that he had to visit the toilet, leaving dejected Natsuki alone with the puzzled guests. Two guards followed him as he made his way out of the crowded party to the hallway. Hijikata rubbed tiredly his face in his hands. He really needed this right now, a moment of silence from all the noise of the party. His long-craved silence didn’t last for long though, when the king accompanied him in the hallway.

“Aren’t the guards enough? Why do you keep following me everywhere?” Hijikata asked through clenched teeth and gave the king a contemptuous look.

“Now, now, I just thought this to be a good time to congratulate you personally,” the king said and took Hijikata’s hand in his own to shake it. “I admit that I was a bit worried when you scrupled at the altar, but luckily you got yourself together.” Hijikata pulled his hand away from the king’s grip. The king just smiled to that and went on: “This day reminds me of our wedding with my wife. It was a sunny day like this, and I guess I was just as nervous as you were,” he chuckled. “And Natsuki looks just like her mother,” he sighed dreamily.

Those words made Hijikata remember something. What he was about to say would be a hit under the belt, but…

“It’s three years, wasn’t it? Since your wife died,” Hijikata commented with a casual tone, earning a questioning glare form the king.

“Yes. What about it?”

“And she was killed by a mayo lizard,” Hijikata went on, keeping his eyes fixed on the king.

“Yes. Where are you getting at?” the king asked firmly, finding Hijikata’s sudden change of attitude odd.

“Oh, it’s nothing. You just never told me where this accident happened.”

“That’s none of your business,” the king said tersely.

“I think it’s better that you come back to the party. Guests are waiting for you,” he said hoarsely and began to walk back to the banquet hall.

“It probably happened somewhere near the swamps, right?” Hijikata called after the king, making him to stop in his tracks. “Just like her daughter, she enjoyed drawing different kinds of animals and plants. And one of her dreams was to draw a living mayo lizard. But since it would be too risky and dangerous, you wouldn’t let her do that. And as a someone who respected and loved her husband, she decided to obey you.”

The king turned his head slowly towards Hijikata and stared at him with a mix of anger and fear in his eyes. “Stop it… right now,” he muttered.

But Hijikata pushed on. The reaction of the king proved that his presumptions were correct. He wasn’t proud of what he was doing right now, but he couldn’t stop himself anymore either. “But as time went by, you started to change. The things that were once dear to you became secondary to power and money. And your wife noticed this, and perhaps she didn’t enjoy her time inside the palace as much as she used to, and she started to spend more time in the forests.”

“Stop it…”

“And maybe your orders didn’t matter to her that much anymore. Drawing a mayo lizard was one of her biggest dreams after all. Had something happened on that day? Something that made her finally defy your orders and go to find a lizard from the swamps?”

The king approached Hijikata in rage and forcefully took a strong hold of Hijikata’s tuxedo’s collar. “I TOLD YOU TO SHUT UP!!” he bellowed.

“She died because you were too blind to realize what mattered the most in your life! What money or mayonnaise could never replace!” Hijikata yelled back with a suffocated voice, trying to loosen the king’s grip from his neck.

“It’s time you learn some respect!” the king snarled murderously close to Hijikata’s face.

“And it’s time that you wake up! If you keep going down this path, you will lose your daughter as well! You will lose everything!” Hijikata shouted and pushed the king off him.

In a matter of seconds, the king grabbed a spear from one of the guard’s hands and attacked Hijikata furiously. But at the same time, a loud banging was heard from the front doors, and it made everyone on the hallway freeze on their spots. A few guards ran quickly to the doors and were about to open them, but the doors opened powerfully from the outside instead, making the guards fly across the hallway.

“Knock, knock,” a lazy voice echoed in the hallway. Hijikata couldn’t believe his eyes, when he saw the intruder walking in through the doors, his silver hair shining in the sunlight.

“Ah, Hijikata-kun! Sorry for having kept you waiting!” Gintoki waved happily to stunned Hijikata with his left hand while keeping the right arm behind his back. “I would have come sooner, but I had to drag this old turtle with me,” he pointed at Tomohiro walking behind him.

“Don’t try to put the blame on me! It was you who slowed us down by picking up flowers from the sides of the road!” Tomohiro argued pointing at the flower bouquet Gintoki hide behind his back.

“Now look what you did. You ruined my surprise!” Gintoki moaned, “Besides, it’s shows good manners to give a gift to a newly married couple. I didn’t get your wedding gift list, but hopefully these will do,” he grinned and walked down the hallway as one guard rushed towards him with his spear. “Ahh… they sure smell good,” Gintoki sniffed the flowers passionately, “Here, smell them,” he said to the guard and shoved the bouquet on his face before swiping him off his feet, making him fall on the ground.

“No need to stand up, you can have them,” Gintoki said to the guard, “But in exchange I want back something of mine. Something prettier than flowers,” he nailed his eyes on Hijikata, who wasn’t sure how he should react to the embarrassing words Gintoki had just said. Should he smack him on the face? Absolutely. But it had to wait for now.

“How did you get in here?! the king shouted shocked. “Tomohiro! What on earth do you think you’re doing?!” he glared angrily at his old adviser.

“Something I should have done long time ago,” Tomohiro replied earnestly while wrapping his uniform’s sleeves up. “Saving this kingdom.”

“And magician should never reveal his tricks, but if you really want to know how we got in here… well, I guess this says it all,” Gintoki said with a hint of complacency, and showed the empty smelling salt bottle in his hand. “Strong stuff. Where’s Philomena? I would like to get more of this,” he teased.

At this point, guests had started to wander from the banquet hall to the hallway, being curious about all the racket they had heard.

“Ladies and gentlemen, please stay where you are, we are taking over this palace!” Gintoki declared to the guests like a true master of the ceremonies.

“Is this some sort of wedding game?” one of the guests wondered.

“Sure! And the winner of this game will have the kingdom and gets to _kiss the groom!”_ Gintoki said enthusiastically, emphasizing the last three words.

“What the hell are you blabbering about?!” Hijikata interposed his face bright red.

“Don’t worry, Hijikata-kun! I have no intention to lose!”

“Over my dead body!” the king snarled. “Guards! Take them!” he ordered, and every guard of the palace rushed to the hallway to take Gintoki and Tomohiro down. “And it’s time for you to go back to your room,” he turned to Hijikata holding the spear in his hands while two more guards approached Hijikata as well.

“No thanks, I’m checking out,” Hijikata replied and took a hold of the king’s spear. He pulled the spear with all his strength, making the king totter, and quickly kicked the king’s stomach, making him fall on the ground. And with the king’s spear, he began battling with the two guards.

“Yo! Hijikata-kun! How are you hanging in there?” Gintoki asked cheerfully as he made his way towards Hijikata while battling with the guards.

“I’m…doing… just… FINE!” Hijikata grunted as he after a struggle managed to push a guard a few feet away from himself, before hitting him with the spear on the head, knocking the guard out.

“Oh, that’s good! I was worried that you might had lost your fighting spirit after just lying around and enjoying luxury in here,” Gintoki commented and sent a guard flying towards the wall with one powerful strike of his sword.

“Lying around?! Enjoying luxury?! And what have you done?! Goofing around out there playing a flower-girl!”

“Are you insulting my sincerest gift to you? I told you that I didn’t get the gift list, so you can’t complain about my present!”

“I’m not talking about damn gifts!” Hijikata snapped, and just in time managed to avoid a guard’s direct hit to his head. “I thought you were in trouble or even dead, but no! You were just your usual self, probably just lying around under a tree and picking your nose while dreaming about parfaits!” he ranted and at the same time stroke the guard down.

“Oh, so you were worried about me, is that it, Hijikata-kun?” Gintoki teased and kicked one of the guards away while clashing weapons with another guard.

“Yeah, I was worried,” Hijikata admitted seriously, “Worried that someone else gets the pleasure to beat the sugar out of you!”

“Do you even know how little I have actually eaten sugar in here?! Usually my sugar levels are this high, but I bet they are now this low!” Gintoki demonstrated with the guards, throwing one up in the air and pushing another down on the floor.

“Good for you. Maybe now you can finally get rid of the risk of getting diabetes!” Hijikata snorted and took two guards down.

“Hah! But I bet you’re so full of mayonnaise that your blood has already turned yellow!” Gintoki shot back, while two guards ran towards him from both sides. Just when they were close enough to strike Gintoki, he quickly bended down, and the guards knocked each other out instead.

“What are you implying at?”

“Oh, I don’t know. Maybe I’m talking about the night when you lost your virginity to a freaking mayo bottle!” Gintoki said, unable to hide a tone of jealousy in his voice.

“Wha- what are you t-talking about?!” Hijikata stuttered tremulously. “Where did you get that kind of idea?! And I’m not a virgin!”

“Yeah, not anymore!”

“Oh shut up!”

Both samurais continued their fighting in silence, until Gintoki just couldn’t bare it anymore. He had to say it now.

“Aah! I can’t take this anymore!” he cried out, catching Hijikata’s attention.

“You can’t stop now! Keep fighting!”

“No, I can’t! They are too strong! I have to give up, you hear me!” Gintoki cried to a guard he held from his uniform’s collars and threw him at the other guard, both of them falling to the ground.

“What are you saying?! You’re practically wiping the floor with these guys!”'

“That’s right! Even enemies feel light like a feather compared to the heaviness I feel in my heart!”

“What the hell is wrong with you?!”

“Do you want to know? Do you really want to know?!” Gintoki looked at Hijikata desperately, like he was going to lose his mind in any second.

“Yes! I guess… I don’t know…what?!”

“Fine!” Gintoki pushed away the last few remaining guards that stood between him and Hijikata and he went to stand right in front of the dark-haired samurai. He placed his hands determinedly on Hijikata’s shoulders, making Hijikata flinch from the sudden touch.

“I lov-uh… I looovvv-, wait. Maybe it’s liiikkk…no. Aahh! I don’t know Hijikata-kun!! I don’t know if you are llooovv or liiikkk!” Gintoki buried his face in Hijikata’s shoulder.

Hijikata stared at the man in front of him eyes wide and utterly speechless. Maybe he had taken this guy’s low sugar level too lightly. It was clearly affecting his mental state!

“Wait! Now I got it!” Gintoki’s mood changed in a second and he raised his head excitedly. “This is llooovv,” he showed his left hand’s thumb, “And this is liikkk,” he showed his right hand’s thumb. “So, eeny, meeny, miny-,” Gintoki shook his head in front of his thumbs like a maniac, and that was the last straw for Hijikata.

“GOD DAMNIT, SPIT IT OUT ALREADY! WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO TELL ME?!”

“CAN’T YOU FIGURE IT OUT?! I L-,”

“ROAARR!!”

Suddenly the whole palace’s structures shook, making everyone stop their fighting.

“That…that wasn’t you, now was it?” Hijikata said to Gintoki hesitantly.

“I don’t think so,” Gintoki replied confused, as his gaze wandered around the hallway trying to find the source of the noise.

“There’s no question what it was,” Tomohiro walked up to them, breathing heavily. “It was-,”

“MAYO LIZARD, MAYO!!” a guard came through the main doors panicking, “IN THE FRONT GATES, MAYO!”

“Mayo lizard in the palace! How is that possible?!” a slightly injured king shouted in disbelief, leaning himself on one of the guards.

“Uh…I guess we didn’t remember to close the gates after we got inside, haha,” Gintoki laughed nervously, earning himself accusatory gazes from everyone else. “What? Don’t look only at me! We came together!” he pointed at Tomohiro. “Besides, I had Hijikata-kun to worry about! There was no time to think about closing the gates!”

“Don’t you dare to drag me into this!” Hijikata protested.

“There’s no time to point fingers!” Tomohiro stated firmly and approached the king. “We have to put our fight aside for now, and pull together,” he pleaded the king.

The king nodded and together with Tomohiro, Hijikata and Gintoki they left towards the front gates, and every guard who was still able to fight followed them. They went through the doors, and outside they saw a giant mayo lizard waiting for them. Whereas the lizard that Hijikata had slayed had been the size of a school bus, this one was more like a big truck. Its tale was much longer and the three spikes in it looked bigger and sharper. The lizard was destroying everything on its way, and when it noticed the king and the others, it let out a furious roar and slowly started to move towards them.

“Where are the archers? They can stuff that thing with arrows!” the king asked from the guards.

“O-over there, my lord, mayo. In full sleep, mayo,” one of the guards stuttered and pointed at the mayo lizard’s direction.

Every archer of the palace lied on the ground, sleeping like babies, thanks to the powerful smelling salt. It was pure luck that the mayo lizard hadn’t stamped anyone to death. Yet. The king glared murderously at Gintoki, who just shrugged in response.

“Get rope, lots of rope! We need to tie that beast down. That way it will be easier to kill,” the king ordered hurriedly. “The ropes length doesn’t matter. We can tie them together and make long ones out of them.”

“What about fire? We used that last time. These things fear fire, right?” Hijikata mentioned hopefully.

“No, they don’t. It was a big fat lie,” the king replied impatiently while receiving all kinds of ropes the guards could find.

“Why that doesn’t surprise me…,” Hijikata mumbled. The mayo lizard was getting closer and closer, and they still didn’t have enough ropes to capture it.

“I guess we need to slow it down,” Gintoki said casually and stretched his arms while walking towards the lizard.

“Are you crazy?!” Hijikata cried out. “The plan was to capture it first, then attack!”

“It will feast with the guests before these snails can even make a first knot on their ropes,” Gintoki replied lazily. “Come on ‘lizard slayer.’ This should be a piece of cake for you,” he gestured Hijikata to follow him.

Together they marched towards the lizard, a punch of guards following behind them. The lizard stopped moving when it saw the people approaching it, and started to swing its tale in large curve. When the tale came towards them, everyone avoided it by jumping up high. But one of the guards stumbled with the landing after his jump and he fell on the ground, while the tale was already approaching them again. Gintoki reacted in one hundredth of a second and managed to pull the guard up barely in time before the tale wiped the ground again.

“I think that’s our chance,” Hijikata said, “After the lizard has swayed its tale, we attack immediately before it can strike again. But don’t harm it before the ropes are ready.”

“Fine by me. Who wants to lead the charge?” Gintoki asked jokingly and eyed the guards in search of volunteers. Everyone took a hesitant step back from the lizard, including Gintoki, leaving Hijikata alone in the front line. “Ah! Hijikata-kun. Well done, lad! Lend us your courage and lead us against that terrible beast!” Gintoki spoke comically with a deep and loud voice.

“Huh?” Hijikata turned around to notice the situation. “Just… prepare yourself,” he sighed.

“Aye, aye, captain!”

The lizard swayed its tale again, and after everyone had successfully avoided it, they charged towards the lizard, Hijikata leading the attack and Gintoki following right behind him. The lizard noticed the attack and roared loudly, taking a large step towards them. They circled the beast, so that it would get distracted on who it should attack first. The lizard did seem to get a little confused first, but when it noticed Hijikata, it decided to attack him.

The lizard opened its large mouth and tried to take a bite of Hijikata, but Hijikata agilely moved out of the way. But right after Hijikata had avoided from getting hit, the lizard roared from pain. Hijikata quickly turned to look on his right side, and he saw one of the guards pushing his spear right in the middle of the lizard’s body.

“I TOLD YOU NOT TO HARM IT!” Hijikata yelled, but it was too late. The lizard became more furious from the wound, and it turned its focus from Hijikata to the guard. The guard couldn’t get his spear out of the lizard in time when it turned, and it was left pointing in its flesh. Now that the guard had no weapon to protect himself with, he was an easy prey for the lizard.

Without saying a word to each other, Hijikata and Gintoki dashed to aid. They split up, and Gintoki stroke the lizard with his sword. He didn’t harm it, but the hit was strong enough to turn the lizard’s attention away from the guard, and Hijikata had enough time to take him to safety. At the same time the other guards had time to pull the sleeping archers away from the battle as well.

“The ropes are ready now!” the king yelled and waved Hijikata and the others to pull back from their attack.

They ran back to the palace’s doors, while the lizard stayed where it was, estimating the situation before its next attack. “Right! Group 1 and 2 captures its forelegs and groups 3 and 4 take care of its hindlegs and group 5 will have the tail. You two take care of closing its mouth,” the king told Gintoki and Hijikata.

“And who gets the honor to kill it?” Gintoki asked casually, though he looked very serious.

“I’ll do it,” the king stated sternly. “Let’s go!” he ordered, and everyone got ready for the new attack.

“Do you have to kill it?” a small voice asked behind them.

“Natsuki?!” the king exclaimed. “Get back inside immediately!” he shoved her through the doors.

“But why? Can’t you just capture it and take it back to the swamps or where ever it came from?” Natsuki pleaded and fought back from getting pushed back inside.

“She’s got a point, you know,” Hijikata noted, earning a small smile from Natsuki.

“Nonsense! It would just come back here again. Better make its visit to the palace its first and last one,” the king said and prepared himself by taking a spear in his hands.

“Funny. Didn’t you try to use that exact same method against me as well. And look how it turned out,” Gintoki pointed out smirking.

“Enough with this! Prepare yourself!” the king yelled and lead the groups towards the lizard.

Natsuki tried to run after them, but Tomohiro stopped her from leaving and pulled her close to his chest, preventing her from seeing the upcoming slaughter. The lizard roared when it was being challenged again and it stamped its palms powerfully against the ground, making it shake underneath the attackers.

“After you’ve captured it, do not let go,” the king gruffed, and slowly they made their way towards the lizard that had again difficulties to decide who to attack first. “Go!” the king yelled, and everyone started to tie down the body part they had been signed with. But the lizard didn’t let it to be easy, and especially the mouth department created a lot of challenge to Hijikata and Gintoki. And because even a small bite could be deathly because of the lizard’s poison, they had to be very cautious.

After a lot of struggle and many close shaves, they finally managed to capture it properly, and the king approached it from the side with his spear. “It’s time to say good bye,” he hummed grimly.

“Yeah, could you hurry up? I don’t have much faith in these ropes,” Hijikata hurried the king, fearing that the ropes could give in any second. That, or their strength to hold the ropes.

Perhaps Hijikata shouldn’t have said that, because right after he had voiced his fear the ropes that held the tail fell apart from the knots, and the tail got free. The guards who had been holding the tail managed to avoid it in time, but it was continuing its way towards the king, who hadn’t noticed anything. Everyone warned the king, but he would never get to safety in time. Without thinking even for a second, Gintoki sprinted towards the king to his rescue, but soon he realized that someone else had already left before him.

Hijikata ran as fast as he could, yelling the last warnings to the king, before pushing him out of the tail’s way, and taking the hit instead. To Gintoki, it was like watching a slow-motion film. His brains couldn’t process fast enough what was happening. Hijikata flew across the air, his back arched and his arms hanging from the sides of his body. The time that Hijikata was in the air felt like an eternity, and Gintoki tried to follow him, tried to take a catch of him, until Hijikata hit the wall of the palace, and his lifeless looking body slid down the wall on the ground.

“HIJIKATA!!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally some action scenes! They might not be that great, but I sure had fun writing them XD  
> Thank you for reading!


	12. Something worth fighting for part 2

“OI! HIJIKATA! WAKE UP! WAKE UP!” Gintoki yelled, and shook Hijikata’s unmoving body in his arms. He laid him down and put his ear close to Hijikata’s mouth to feel his breathing. He couldn’t feel it.

“HOI YOU BASTARD! DON’T YOU DARE TO DIE ON ME!” he started to pump Hijikata’s chest rapidly. “If you die, who is going to complain me about not paying my taxes?! Who else’s terrible diet I can make fun of, if not yours!?” Gintoki shouted. He kept pumping Hijikata’s chest and blew air in his mouth, but he wasn’t waking up. “I promised to you that I would get you out of this planet! And I meant alive! Not in a body bag! HIJIKATA!”

A few guards stared to gather around Gintoki and Hijikata, as well as Tomohiro, Natsuki and the king while the remaining guards had managed to capture the lizard's tail again.

“I… think you should give up already,” the king said hoarsely, a mix of confusion and worry on his face, as he tried to comfort weeping Natsuki next to him.

“You people really love that expression, don’t you?” Gintoki scoffed. “Give up? Did Hijikata give up the thought of rescuing you, even though he sure as hell knew how small chances he had succeeding in? No. With your attitude, you can already go and dig up a grave for yourself,” Gintoki panted. “We are not quitters. We’ve been through much worse, and one swollen lizard isn’t going to defeat us. RIGHT?! WAKE UP!” Gintoki slapped Hijikata hard on the face,

“We have to show these idiots that you can’t always give in when things get rough! Show them that there are things worth fighting for, and living for! I didn’t have the courage to say it earlier, but I say it now! I love you!! You stubborn, mayonnaise loving, tax robbing, good hearted walking chimney! SO WAKE UP!!”

Gintoki gave one final powerful pump on Hijikata’s chest, and right then Hijikata gasped for air.

“W-where… am I? My chest…it feels like someone had use it as a step board,” Hijikata coughed and then he noticed Gintoki hovering above him, his face was glistening from sweat. “You… what have you done again?” Hijikata’s mocked jokingly, and immediately received a slap in the face from Gintoki. “HA?! What the hell do you think you’re doin-,”

Gintoki grabbed Hijikata from the cheeks and kissed him long and hard, Hijikata’s eyes getting wider and wider as the seconds passed by. Gintoki noticed the slight taste of blood in the kiss, but it didn’t matter at all. With his eyes closed, he forgot all the surroundings, and just focused on the feeling of Hijikata’s lips and rejoiced how the coldness in them started to fade. Gintoki could have continued the kiss even longer but figured that maybe a person who had just come back from the heaven’s door needed some air for a change, so he slowly backed away from the kiss.

Hijikata’s lips trembled and the blush on his cheeks glowed like a beacon on his otherwise pale face. He carefully sat up, avoiding any eye contact with Gintoki, but he could feel how the perm-head kept staring at him intensely. He glanced at Natsuki, Tomohiro and the king. Natsuki and Tomohiro looked relieved, both smiling carefully with teary eyes. But the look in the king’s eyes Hijikata couldn’t figure out. He looked disappointed and doubtful at the same time, while gazing at him and Gintoki in turns. And speaking of Gintoki…

“HOI! I saved your life, pretty boy! Don’t I even deserve an eye contact from you?!” Gintoki brought his face so close to Hijikata’s face that their lips were almost touching again.

“What did you expect, when you first slap me in the face and then kiss me out of blue!” Hijikata retorted, the paleness of his skin now completely gone.

“At least you looked at me when I slapped you! Do you prefer that over a kiss?! Are you a masochist?! I won’t complain if you are!” Gintoki argued and was ready to slap Hijikata again.

Hijikata stopped the incoming slap by grabbing Gintoki’s wrist, “I’m not a masochist! Don’t try to bring me down to your perverted level!”

“Oh, really?! Then what’s this?” Gintoki released his hand from Hijikata’s grip and took a hold of the cop’s hand instead. The marks from the handcuffs were still visible in his wrist and Gintoki eyed them suspiciously.

“That… i-it’s not what you think!” Hijikata stuttered and tried to pull his hand away, but Gintoki’s grip got only tighter while an impish smirk formed on his lips.

“Good to know...,” he hummed, more to himself than to Hijikata, while caressing his wrist gently with his thumb, making cold shivers go down Hijikata’s back.

“Why did you save me?” the king suddenly asked, interrupting the ‘touching’ reunion of the two men. Hijikata turned to look at the stone-faced king.

“I think you know why…,” he replied shortly, and glanced Natsuki. The father and daughter exchanged silently looks with each other.

“Uh… my lord, mayo! What should we do with t-this, mayo?” one of the guards who was holding the mayo lizard in the ropes called out.

“We pick up where we left off,” the king said tersely and took a spear from one of the guards.

“No,” Hijikata interrupted, and unsteadily got up from the ground. “It’s here for a reason,” he added, making the king frown at him.

“And I know why. It’s here to kill us!” the king said sharply.

“And why is that? I doubt it would kill just for the fun of it,” Hijikata reasoned and grabbed the spear from the king and cut the blade off from it and used it as a walking stick to steady his walking.

“Hijikata!” Gintoki yelled after him as he slowly made his way towards the lizard.

“I’ll be fine, Gintoki,” Hijikata reassured, while the lizard started to wriggle more when it saw Hijikata approaching it.

Hijikata abandoned his walking stick when he started to get close enough. He acted very calmly and tried to look as unthreatening as possible. He went to stand right in front of the lizard, the yellow eyes meeting the blue ones. The lizard looked like it was ready to bite Hijikata’s head off, if its mouth hadn’t been closed with the ropes.

“Pull its head lower,” Hijikata whispered to the guards who hold the ropes, and they glanced at each other worriedly. “I can’t reach its mouth if it’s up there, now can I?” Hijikata hissed impatiently, and reluctantly they started to pull the ropes, the lizard’s head coming lower and lower.

The king started to protest, but Gintoki shut his mouth with his hand. Gintoki had no idea what Hijikata was planning, but he just had to trust that Hijikata himself knew what he was doing. Gintoki followed the situation closely like everyone else, while wrapping his fingers around his sword’s handle. Just in case.

When the lizard’s head was low enough for Hijikata to reached it, he slowly raised his hand towards it and touched the ropes that were tied around the lizard’s mouth. The lizard immediately shook its head from anger, and Hijikata backed away.“Try to hold it still,” Hijikata asked calmly from the guards who looked Hijikata like saying, ‘yeah, why don’t you try?’

They managed to calm down the lizard for a moment, and Hijikata tried to approach it again slowly. “It’s all right, shh…I’m not going to hurt you,” he spoke with a soothing voice.

The atmosphere was extremely tense, and everyone held their breath when Hijikata reached out his hand again towards the lizard. Hijikata could see the pure anger from the lizard’s eyes as he took a hold of one of the ropes, but it didn’t shake its head this time, so Hijikata decided to continue. Slowly and gently, Hijikata took the ropes off from the lizard’s mouth, while every now and then it snarled and shook its head intimidatingly.

When there was only one rope left, and Hijikata was about to remove it, the lizard growled loudly and removed the remaining rope itself by shaking its head. The guards backed away quickly when the lizard’s mouth was free again, but it didn’t care about the guards. It eyed Hijikata threateningly and roared powerfully, causing some saliva to fly straight at Hijikata’s face. Gintoki took one step forward, the grip from his sword getting stronger. He followed the lizard’s movements closely. He had to be one step ahead of it, if the situation would get bad.

Hijikata didn’t mind about the saliva on his face. He glanced at the right palm of the lizard. He had thought that he had noticed something familiar on it earlier, and now he knew that he had seen correctly. A palm missing one toe. J _ust like the one I killed back then,_ Hijikata remembered, and stared the lizard in its yellow eyes. “It was your child, wasn’t it?”

Like responding, the lizard roared at Hijikata, its warm breath swaying his hair like the summer wind. It all made sense now. This lizard wasn’t a mindless beast who had come to the palace to kill people just for the sake of it. It was a parent who had lost its child, and now it just sought the person who was responsible for it. Hijikata didn’t know much about the mayo lizards, but he assumed that their sense of smell was good. That would explain why the lizard had attacked him first when they had met. Some of his scent had probably been left on the baby lizard’s body, remembering how he had slid off from top of it after the kill.

And now here they were. A killer and the grieving parent face-to-face. Hijikata wasn’t sure what he should do next. What could he possibly do to ease the grief of that lizard? The lizard snarled deeply as it watched Hijikata, its sharp and long teeth dripping saliva on the ground. What could he possibly do? Well wasn’t that a stupid question. He knew more than well what the lizard wanted to do to him, and it would probably give satisfaction to the creature. He was unarmed, in a shaky condition and only few inches away from the lizard. Voilà! Revenge served on a silver plate. Bon appétit.

Hijikata carefully glanced at the bystanders and focused his gaze on Gintoki, who was slightly bended forward, clearly ready to sprint to his rescue, should the lizard try to eat him alive. Hijikata couldn’t help but smile a little on the sight. It would really be shame if their journey together would end now. But that wasn’t for Gintoki to decide, nor was it for Hijikata. He turned his gaze back to the lizard and bowed deeply.

“I’m sorry for killing your child. I wish I could undo it. I’m terribly sorry,” Hijikata said sincerely, and kept his eyes on the ground.

The lizard roared, again, like responding, and it brought its head close to Hijikata, making him to raise his gaze from the ground to meet its eyes. The lizard breathed heavily, slightly opening and closing its mouth in turns as if tempted to bite Hijikata’s head off. Then it roared again, what made Hijikata to fall on his back. Gintoki and the others recoiled and were ready to run to Hijikata’s aid, but the lizard didn’t attack him. It raised its head and looked at Hijikata expectedly.

“Release it!” Hijikata immediately ordered the guards, who were still holding the lizard’s legs and tail.

The guards didn’t dare to do as told. They waited for the king to give an order. Hijikata waited for the king’s decision. If the king wouldn’t let the lizard go, he would surely do it, no matter what. But he hoped that the king still had some wisdom in his head. And compassion in his heart.The king walked closer to the mayo lizard, keeping an eye contact with it. The lizard roared furiously, and that made the king stop in his tracks.

“It won’t hurt you,” Hijikata assured the king, though he didn’t know why he was so sure of that. He just felt like he had some kind of connection with the lizard right now.

The king continued his approaching, until he was standing in front of the spear that was still pointing out from the lizard’s body. The lizard snarled threateningly as it followed the king’s movements. Carefully the king grabbed onto the spear and pulled it off from the lizard, making it roar from pain. Everyone backed away from it startled, even Hijikata.

But soon the lizard calmed down again, but it kept looking at the king with its big eyes. “Release it,” the king ordered hoarsely, and the guards did as told.

After the lizard was free from the ropes, it lowered its head to be on the same level with the king. It kept snarling deeply, opening and closing it mouth the same way it had done with Hijikata. “I-I’m sorry,” the king’s voice broke when he looked at the lizard in the eyes.

The lizard snorted once, and after that it raised its head and slowly turned around towards the palace’s gates. It gave a one final roar, before heading out through the gates.

“That was something you don’t see every day,” Tomohiro mumbled amazed, before he ran to the king and Hijikata with Gintoki and Natsuki.

“Daddy!” Natsuki cried and ran to her father to hug him tightly.

“It’s all right dear, it’s all right,” the king soothed her and caressed her back while trembling in shock himself.

Hijikata’s chest was rising and falling rapidly while he watched the mayo lizard as it made its way towards the forest. He still couldn’t believe how things had turned out in the end. During that whole scene he didn’t feel like he had really been himself. It felt more like someone or something had possessed him. A spirit? Whose spirit? And where had it come from? Hold on! That short time when he had been dead. Could it be…?

“Good job, Hijikata-kun! I couldn’t have done it better myself,” Gintoki tapped Hijikata on the back, “Though I would had looked more handsome, especially in the sunlight, but that goes without saying,” he added smugly.

“Of course…,” Hijikata mumbled while staring to nothingness, the spirit thing still bothering his mind.

“Earth to… (uh, I wish) planet Mayo to Hijikata-kun!” Gintoki waved his hand in front of the absent-minded Hijikata who still wasn’t paying any attention to him.

“HIJIKATA-KUN!”

“All right! Enough with the Hijikata-kun, Hijikata-kun, HIJIKATA-KUN! I can’t even hear my own thoughts!” Hijikata finally snapped out of his trance and pushed Gintoki’s waving hand away from his sight.

“Okay, how about Toshirou-kun, Toshirou-kun, TOSHIROU-KUN! Can you hear your thoughts now?”

That made Hijikata fall into a completely different trance, and his cheeks were getting red again.

“Hmm. Not hearing any complaints. Toshirou-kun it is, then,” Gintoki figured happily. He rested his jaw on Hijikata’s right shoulder and whispered to his ear. “Hey, Toshirou-kun. Do you want to-?”

Hijikata’s right arm reacted like a missile, and with one strike, he sent Gintoki up in the air and soon the perm-head’s face greeted the hard ground. '

“Mayora the 13th,” the king called out Hijikata while walking towards him with Natsuki and Tomohiro.

Hijikata followed the approaching king anxiously. They had called a truce in order to handle the mayo lizard, but now that the danger was over, were they enemies again?

“Or should I say, Hijikata-san,” the king corrected, smiling lightly. Then he turned to the guards who were standing on the palace’s doors. “Close the doors! And don’t let anyone come out,” he told them, and the guards started to close the doors just when the guests tried to come out after the word had spread that the danger was over. They protested loudly and tried to push their way out of the doors, but the guards managed to keep them inside.

“No need to worry, I’ll explain everything to them later,” the king assured when he noticed Hijikata’s worried expression. “I just want to talk to everyone in here privately first,” he said.

One guard brought a garden chair from the garden and the king sat on it exhausted while everyone else stood in front of him in line. “I admit. I’m not in a very good shape anymore,” he snorted amused. “I envy you, Tomohiro. We are almost the same age, but you just keep jumping around like a young rabbit,” he glanced at his adviser, but he didn’t respond.

The king sighed deeply. “I never thought it would come to this, but I guess The Mayo god works in mysterious ways,” he began. “I’m not even sure what to say. But I guess the best way to start is to apologize to all of you. I’m sorry,” he said sincerely, and looked everyone in the eyes. “But I understand that there’s no way for you to forgive me. How could you, when I can’t even forgive myself,” his voice broke and he hid his face in his hands.

“Don’t go deciding that yourself,” Hijikata said with his arms crossed. “Tell us what you want and then everyone will decide if they want to forgive you or not.”

“That’s something my wife would have said,” the king smiled. “She must be despising me from up there,” he glanced at the sky. “If only we hadn’t had that fight on that day. If only I hadn’t taken her for granted. That’s how this all began. I forbade her to go to the swamps to draw a mayo lizard, because I found those creatures dangerous and disgusting, unlike her, who saw beauty in every creation on this planet. I had started to kill mayo lizards even before her death, and one day she found out about it. I told her I ordered them to be killed because there were too many of them and they were dangerous to business.

Transfers were delayed because the villagers feared them, and they had to use detours to avoid them. Moreover, fences that were built to keep the lizards away costed a lot of money. But my wife didn’t agree with me. She said that everyone has the right to live on this planet and that I shouldn’t kill them just so that I could get money and mayonnaise faster. Obviously, I disagreed with her and told her that if we hadn’t money, we wouldn’t live in the palace and I wouldn’t be able to buy expensive dresses for her. She said that she didn’t need luxurious palace or fancy dresses. Family and friends were the richness for her. And… then I snapped… and yelled to her that of course she says so because she had been born into a royal family. But if she would be poor and living in a shack, then the money would be the number one for her as well."

Everyone listened to the king’s story silently. No one could say a word, and the only reaction heard was Natsuki’s quiet sobbing.

“And that was the last time I saw her alive. Those were the last words I said to her. When she didn’t come to the dinner, I got worried. And when she couldn’t be found from the palace, I sent out guards to search for her. And eventually they found her… but… it was too late,” the king’s voice broke again, and he couldn’t hold back his tears.

“Daddy,” Natuski whispered a devastated look on her face.

The king cleared his throat. “A-after her death, I became grumpier and more bitter than I already had been. The guilt ate me up day by day. My life had lost its meaning, even though I still had my beautiful daughter and a loyal friend and his son, but I couldn’t find enough comfort from them. One day I realized that I would have to find a successor to the throne, and I chose Tatsuya. I tried my best to teach Tomohiro’s son the ways of the king, but he showed no interest to it at all. I noticed it early on, but I didn’t give up. And because I was so determent to make him the next ruler, I ignored his feelings and thoughts, which understandably made Tatsuya resent the king’s role even more. And that eventually led to the incident where 30 innocent lives were lost.”

The king turned his focus on Tomohiro when he continued.“I sent him away, to protect him. The villagers were unpredictable at that time, and even though this palace is highly guarded, I feared for Tatsuya’s safety. So I decided that the best way to keep him safe was to make him disappear. I knew you would have been against the idea, so I didn’t tell you about it.”

Tomohiro stared at the king shocked. He couldn’t believe what he was hearing.

“So Tatsuya wasn’t seen or heard ever again, but some people still searched for him to bring him to justice. Every day I feared that they might find him, so I had to do something to distract them, make them forget about him. Then I had an idea that I should give them something else to hate. Something to pour their grief and hatred on. Me. And it worked. With things like giving less mayonnaise to the villagers and otherwise acting like a tyrant, people forgot their hatred towards Tatsuya. And then I was the most hated person in the kingdom.”

“Why would you do that?” Tomohiro asked outraged. “People would have forgotten their hatred for Tatsuya eventually. There was no need to go that far! To play with people’s lives!”

“My hatred for mayo lizards had remained till this day. I feared the villagers would be like me,” the king whispered. “But it wasn’t only for Tatsuya’s sake. I felt that the hatred I got from everyone, even from you, was justified. Like a punishment I never got for causing the death of my wife. I had blamed myself over and over again inside my head but it had never been enough. And back then the thought of earning the title of the most hated person didn’t feel so bad, if it meant that I could get a second chance to save someone’s life.”

"So that is the reason why you have been tormenting me…,” Tomohiro said bitterly, “the reason why you have tormented all of us,” he pointed the others, “so that you could punish yourself from the death of your wife that wasn’t even your fault!?” he bellowed, and attacked the king, but Hijikata stopped him.

“Or perhaps the role he had chosen to himself had started to feel too heavy,” Hijikata said, holding the struggling Tomohiro from the arms “To the point that it wasn’t even a role to him anymore. It became a part of his personality, and he couldn’t get rid of it anymore.”

The king nodded.“The hatred that I received and all the dark thoughts that I had started to get the better of me. The only thing that had kept me in my senses till then had been the thought that I had saved Tatsuya. But at some point that only ray of light disappeared into the darkness as well, and I began to regret the sacrifice I had made. But I had already crossed the line, so I decided to be the monster that everyone thought I was.”

Tomohiro stopped struggling in Hijikata’s hold when he noticed how heart-broken Natsuki looked. The king’s revelation had been a great shock to him, but he couldn’t even imagine how painful it must have been for her to hear all this. How she had always tried to please her father, even just to make him smile, hoping that someday he might return to his old self. But no matter what she had said or done, nothing had stopped the king’s madness. He had been in his own dark world, with no way out.

Natsuki stepped forward towards his father, a pained look in her eyes that sparkled from tears. She was trembling, holding her hands in fists. “Then why?” she sobbed, “WHY COULDN’T I BE THE HEIR TO THE THRONE? IT SHOULD BE, SHOULDN’T IT? THIS ALL COULD HAVE BEEN AVOIDED IF YOU HAD LET ME BECOME WHO I WAS BORN TO BE!” she yelled from top of her lungs, taking everyone by surprise.

She had never yelled to her father, never challenged him or spoken ill about him. And now the feelings she had been holding back for years finally burst out of her.

“To protect you,” the king said with a shaky voice. “You see what kind of monster I’ve become. All the pressures of the kingdom the ruler has to bear. The constant critic you’ll always get, no matter how well you rule. There are always people who find something to complain about. You’re… so kind and gentle. I couldn’t risk seeing you b-become like m-me,” he stuttered, shaking his head.

“I’m… not… weak,” Natsuki said defiantly, “Kindness and gentleness isn’t weakness! It’s strength!” she stamped her feet on the ground. “You have tried to protect me, but you have only made me suffer! You have always treated me like a flower made of glass that could break in any second and you have always said how good daughter I am!

But that’s the problem! With both of us! We never talk about our true feelings! We just keep praising and pleasing each other. We have never even had a real argument! And in a way I’m jealous of my mother because at least she knew who you truly are!” Natsuki’s panted heavily, her face flooded with red color from anger and frustration.

“I’m sorry,” the king uttered devastated as he looked into her daughter’s eyes, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry for everything!” he cried out and fell from his chair to the ground.

Natsuki walked slowly up to him and kneeled next to her weeping father. She made him raise his head from the ground and caressed his face with her trembling hand. “I’m sorry too. And I forgive you,” she whispered before hugging him tightly.

The king couldn’t say a word. He cried loudly, almost like yelling, as he hugged her daughter.

Hijikata followed the scene without really knowing what he should think of. In a short time, the king had turned from a cruel and heartless person into a weeping mess. Like someone had switched him with someone else who looked like the king. Did the king have an alter ego like Hijikata had? Hopefully not. Or if he had, then hopefully this side of the king had won for good. Not that listening the old man’s crying was something that Hijikata enjoyed very much.

The king calmed down after a while, and with Natsuki’s help he stood up. He approached Hijikata carefully.The two men kept looking at each other in the eyes. Either of them didn’t say anything, but Hiijikata reckoned that the king waited for him to speak up first. Hijikata wasn’t sure what he should say. He had decided to forgive the king. Kind of. But it would be weird to say just that after this big soap opera-scene.

“The princess isn’t pregnant. We never did it,” Hijikata said bluntly, making the king’s and Natsuki’s jaw drop. Yeah, that was much better subject to start with. Well done Toshirou!

“What? You never did it? Really?!” Gintoki exclaimed excitedly, appearing out of nowhere next to Hijikata.

_Wait a minute. How come he appeared out of nowhere? Everyone was standing in the line when the king was telling his story…_

“YOU! Where the hell have you been all this time?!” Hijikata exclaimed angrily, grabbing Gintoki from the collar.

“Passed out back there! You knocked me out, remember?” Gintoki replied while trying to stop his nose from bleeding.

“Then that nose bleed is better be from that,” Hijikata snarled.

“But you didn’t notice that I wasn’t here?! How dare you?!" Gintoki complained irritated. "I’m the main character! You should have noticed it immediately! My stage present is out of this world!”

“Your brains are out of this world, and not in a good way!” Hijikata retorted and rubbed his forehead. Too much had happened on this day and he could sense a headache approaching already.

“Y-you didn’t do it?” the king asked hesitantly and turned to look at Natsuki, who nodded her head. “Huh. That’s interesting,” he mumbled to himself, a slight confusion showing on his face.

“But I don’t think we need a second heir just yet,” Natsuki smiled gently and winked at her father. The confusion on the king’s face changed to worry. “I’m ready, daddy,” she assured, “And I think it’s time we change the marriage law as well. Let people marry who they want and when they want. Saving a princess from danger belongs to fairytale books anyway,” she chuckled and gave a knowing smile to Hijikata.

“Yeah, speaking of marriage…,” Hijikata began, before Gintoki hugged him from behind protectively.

“Hijikata-kun is having an affair, so I think it’s time for him and the princess to divorce!” Gintoki blurted, holding his arms tightly around Hijikata’s chest.

“I’m having an affair?!”

“Yeah, with me.”

“HUH?!”

“Ah, yes, yes, I understand,” the king tried to cool down the heated conversation. “But I think we need to explain the situation to Natsuki first.”

“I think I’ve figured out the most,” Natsuki grinned joyfully at Hijikata.“You’re not prince Mayora the 13th. And you don’t have any kingdom. We are not even the same species!” she giggled. “I admit that I have had my suspicions for a while now, but I played along.”

“And since you’re not a prince, your marriage isn’t real either,” the king mentioned.

“But still, the time we spent together…I haven’t had so much fun in ages!” Natsuki smiled and stepped closer to Hijikata. “I don’t love you, though I really tried. And I did my best to make you fall in love with me as well. But it would be a lie if I said that I didn’t develop a small crush on you,” she said blushing and gave a small peck on Hijikata’s cheek, making Gintoki to squeeze Hijikata tightly from jealously.

“Oi! Cut it out!” Hijikata hissed and shook Gintoki off him.

Gintoki released him, but after that he wiped with his sleeve the spot where Natsuki had kissed Hijikata and placed on it a small kiss of his own. Natsuki laughed full-heartedly as he watched Gintoki and Hijikata arguing over the Gintoki’s surprise kiss. Even the king, after some hesitation, relaxed a little and joined his daughter to laugh at the comic duo.

Tomohiro watched the laughing family from afar. He hadn’t seen such sincere smile on the princess’ and the king’s face for a long time. He felt joy in his heart when he witnessed the sight, but there was still something that stopped him from joining in to that happy family-image.

The king left from Natsuki’s side and went to stand next to the pensive looking Tomohiro. “I’m going to look for Tatsuya,” Tomohiro said quietly to the king. They both kept their gazes on the goofy trio. The king bit his lip nervously, and cleared his throat to say something, but Tomohiro continued instead. “You meant well, when you sent Tatsuya away. But there would have been many other ways to protect him. I trust that you have realized this?” he said calmly, but kept his eyes forward.

“I’m sorry…,” the king said hoarsely, trying to keep his voice steady.

“You have a lot of work to do. To earn back the people’s respect and love. And there will be no one for you to use as a shield against them,” Tomohiro said firmly. The king remained silent. “But that doesn’t mean that you’re alone,” he added. He turned his eyes to laughing Natsuki, and a small smile formed on his lips.

He heard the king sobbing silently again, but he still didn’t turn to look at him. “I’m not free from guilt either. I still have my own burdens to carry,” he noted, “I didn’t protect Tatsuya the way I should have. I knew before you that he wasn’t suitable to be a ruler, but I let you to take him anyway. And I wasn’t there for you either,” he added, what made the king stop his sobbing.

“I only took care of Tatsuya, and didn’t realize what you were going through. How badly Asami’s death had affected you. And when things had gotten bad enough, I couldn’t feel any compassion towards you anymore, and so, you were left alone in your darkness,” he went on, his eyes starting to get misty as well. “But the funny thing is that the person that wasn’t even part of your plan, and who you said that would ruin everything, saved us all in the end,” he smiled and turned his look from Natsuki to Gintoki, who desperately tried to take Hijikata’s shirt off, for a reason unknown.

“He truly is one of a kind,” the king chuckled slightly.

“They both are,” Tomohiro said gently, and now watched how Hijikata was strangling Gintoki with his shirt which Gintoki had managed to take off from him.

_Thank you. Both of you._

 

 

 

After the guards had managed to separate Gintoki and Hijikata from each other, and someone had brought Hijikata his Shinsengumi uniform (and his ID and sword!) it was getting time to say good bye.

“I’m sure you can buy hens from earth for a low price and bring them here. And I doubt that they have any dangerous diseases in them. But you must pay! No more mayo memory blending!” Gintoki told the king who promised to do so. “Can’t really say that this has been a pleasure, but there’s one bright side,” Gintoki continued.

“And what’s that?” Hijikata wondered.

“Thanks to the Philomena’s lessons, you’re no longer the Demon Vice-Chief of the Shinsengumi, but the Royal etiquette handling Vice-Chief! Shame that you didn’t get a diploma or something.”

“If I had one, I would shove it down your throat!” Hijikata said, until he realized something.

Where was Philomena? The lessons had been ended by the king after he had found out that Philomena had given Gintoki the smelling salt bottle that had turned out to be very useful. But the king had never told him what had happened to her. Hijikata glared at the king accusatorily and was about to question him about Philomena’s whereabouts, when…

“Sakata-san!” a familiar operatic voice called out Gintoki. Philomena was running towards them, her jewelries jingling loudly in her wrists. “Sakata-san! What a pleasure to meet you again!” she hugged Gintoki tightly, her strong perfume making him sneeze. “You wouldn’t believe how much I missed you in our lessons. The prince was hopeless and would have needed your natural talent desperately,” she bemoaned, and either didn’t care about Hijikata’s presence, or didn’t see him. Hijikata bet for the first option.

“My apologies. I had to leave suddenly to the National Etiquette Exercise Tournament,” Gintoki lied through his teeth.

“NEET?” Hijikata wondered.

“Oh! Of course! How did it go?” Philomena asked eagerly.

“There exists something like that?!” Hijikata exclaimed.

“Oh, you’re here too. How do you do?” Philomena asked uninterested as she noticed Hijikata.

“More like _how do you do?!_ Did you escape from a dungeon or an execution?!” Hijikata demanded to know.

Philomena looked at Hijikata horrified. “Dungeon? Execution?! Dear boy, are you out of your mind?! Who would dare to do to me things like that?!” she exclaimed and hit Hijikata on the head with her folded fan and turned to the king. “My lord! I ask you to reconsider your decision of making this man a king! His head is clearly rotten, and I’m worried about my safety if he becomes the ruler!”

“No need to worry, Philomena. He’s no longer signed for that position,” the king reassured smirking.

“I’m pleased to hear that!” she replied,glaring Hijikata suspiciously. “Ah! But Sakata-san! I had something to give you,” she said to Gintoki and took him further away from the others.

Hijikata, on the other hand, turned his focus on the king. The king had some explaining to do. Again!

“Was it a bluff back then?” he asked sharply.

“Yes. I might have been a mad king, but I would never hurt Philomena. She’s practically family,” the king assured.

“Aha. And how about when you said that you would kill me right after the child would be born? Bluff as well?” Hijikata demanded frustrated.

“Yes and no,” the king said evasively, “I threatened you so that you would do as I say. But I can’t completely deny that I might have killed you, since you were quite hard to handle in the end,” the king said. “B-but most likely I wouldn’t have killed you,” he added nervously when Hijikata stared at him murderously.

“And then there’s Gintoki. You wanted him dead, right?” Hijikata continued.

This time the king didn’t say anything, which Hijikata took as a yes. Well, no one had died, so Hijikata decided to drop the subject. The king had suffered enough already, and he would surely relieve all these things many times over. It would be a long way to the redemption.

“Gintoki, let’s go already!” Hijikata called out the Yorozuya who was still alone with Philomena. What on earth were they doing?

After Gintoki had finally finished his business with Philomena, they prepared to leave. The king had promised them a wagon ride back to the spaceship, and after they said goodbye to Tomohiro, Natsuki and the king, they left the palace, everyone happily waiving after them.

 

 

 

 

 

“Aah! Can’t believe we’re finally going home!” Gintoki said jubilantly and waved his arms in celebration.

“Yeah, it’s been a while,” Hijikata commented, finding it hard to believe, too, that their ‘adventure’ was finally coming to an end.

They travelled in silence, both lost in their thoughts. But after some time, Hijikata noticed from the corner of his eye how Gintoki kept staring at him fondly with his dead eyes. He ignored it first, but when he realized that there was no end to it, he had to react.

“What? You’ve been staring at me like I’m some kind of golden trophy that you have just won, and can’t wait to sell it for money to buy parfaits.”

Gintoki snorted.“I couldn’t sell you. No one wants a trophy that smells like mayonnaise. Golden or not,” he said lazily while picking his nose.

“And no one wouldwant a trophy that’s full of bugger. Even if you tried to give it for free,” Hijikata retorted disgusted, and then Gintoki pulled his finger out of his nose and attempted to put a bugger ball on Hijikata’s arm.

“Hoi! Keep that finger of yours off me!” Hijikata raised his voice and pushed Gintoki’s hand away.

“But you said…,”

“What? What did I say that would make you want to put your bugger on me?!”

“You said that no one wants a trophy that’s full of bugger,” Gintoki replied casually, still holding the bugger ball on his finger.

“And?!” Hijikata barked, not even trying to understand where the perm-head was getting at this time with his argument.

“Well, Hijikata-kun, you’re my trophy. And when you said that no one wants a trophy that’s full of bugger, I got to work so that no one else will take you away from me,” Gintoki explained like it was something what Hijikata should have realized right away.

Hijikata was speechless. He didn’t know what to make of that sentence. He was a buggery trophy to Gintoki?

Gintoki noticed that his words hadn’t had the effect on Hijikata he had hoped for, so he tried again. “I remembered that I haven’t told you that I love you. Or, I did tell you, but you weren’t conscious at that time. And I realized that my actions today must have been somewhat odd to you since I haven’t told you directly how I feel about you,” he said seriously, and grabbed Hijikata’s hand. “I love you, Hijikata-kun,” he told him, looking straight to Hijikata’s widening blue eyes.

Hijikata could feel how the bugger from Gintoki’s hand had gotten on his own hand, but even that wasn’t a big enough distraction for him for not to hear Gintoki’s words. “Thanks,” he said quietly, turning his gaze away from Gintoki.

“You’re welcome,” Gintoki replied, and they continued their journey in silen-

“You’re welcome my ass!” Gintoki exclaimed, “Haven’t you learned anything from this story! You shouldn’t hold back your feelings or you will become a mad king or a princess who blows up without warning!”

“That’s rich coming from someone who slept through the whole scene!”

“I was present spiritually! I could hear everything!”

“Sure you did! Would you like to experience that thing aga-!”

Gintoki grabbed Hijikata from the shoulders and kissed him passionately. He smirked lightly when felt Hijikata’s shoulders relaxing from the kiss and even succeeded to evoke a soft moan from him, when Gintoki brought his tongue into the game. They broke the kiss, both panting slightly, red color glowing on their cheeks.

“I’m not saying we have to start dating,” Gintoki said, “But at least tell me how you feel?”

Hijikata swallowed nervously. At this point he knew very well how he felt about Gintoki. It just scared him to say it out loud. It felt safer to pretend that those feelings didn’t exist, and with that, nothing would ever change between him and Gintoki. Expect that things had changed already.

And what scared him the most were the two words: ‘what if?’ So now Hijikata just had to decide which ‘what if’ would he rather take? The one where they would date but would eventually break up? (The break up could be ugly.) And then he would think that what if they hadn’t ever gotten together? From how much pain both of them could have been spared from. And then there’s the other option. That they know about each other’s feelings, but don’t dare to risk the friendship. And so, they could only imagine in their dreams how it would be like if they were dating?

Gintoki waited Hijikata’s reply an expecting look on his face. Hijikata straightened his back as well as he could while the wagon kept shaking on the bouncy road.

“All right. I’ll tell you how I feel.”

 

 

 

 

 

_2 weeks later_

 

 

 

 

“Gin-chan! I’m taking Sadaharu to a walk!” Kagura said as she passed Gintoki who was lazily lying on the sofa reading Jump.

“Ok. Take your time,” Gintoki replied and took a gulp of his strawberry milk.

"Try not to get kidnapped by weird Money people again. But if they capture you, try to bring some money with you this time when you come back, instead of just your mayonnaise smelling clothes! We’re out of food again!” she said before going out.

“They were Mayo people! Mayo people! That’s why my clothes reeked like mayonnaise!” Gintoki called after her irritated.

“Gin-san! I’m going to Otsuu-chan’s concert,” Shinpachi passed him by next.

“Yes, yes. Try to earn some money while you’re there. We are out of food again,” Gintoki passed Kagura’s message to the boy wearing glasses.

“I can’t do that! You should get up yourself and find a new job for us,” he scolded Gintoki.

“I’m busy at the moment,” Gintoki replied lazily.

“Never mind,” Shinpachi sighed, “But be careful. Try not to get kidnapped by Monk people from planet Monk again. I don’t think your hair will survive another trip there,” he warned before leaving as well.

“They were Mayo people, from Planet Mayo! Monk doesn’t sound anything like mayo! Sell your glasses and buy a hearing aid instead, Patsuan! And the little girl there only got a few strings of hair from me, I’m not getting bold yet!”

After that, the Yorozuya house fell silent. Gintoki kept reading his Jump, enjoying the peace he had finally gotten. Time passed by, until a hesitant knock was heard from the door. Gintoki put down his Jump, and listened carefully, until he heard another knock. He got up from the sofa, and went to open the door, finding Hijikata standing before him. The guest he had been waiting for.

“Come in,” Gintoki said smirking, and nervous looking Hijikata walked hesitantly in, after making sure that no one wasn’t watching. “Take a seat,” Gintoki said casually, when he noticed Hijikata standing in the middle of the room like he had been glued on it.

Hijikata sat down, while Gintoki went to the fridge to get something. Hijikata’s gaze wandered around the room as he kept crossing his legs back-and-forth.

“Nervous?” Gintoki asked, when he came back with a mayonnaise bottle. “Luckily the people who live here don’t consider mayonnaise as food for humans, so it has remained untouched,” he joked, “Though everyone has wondered why I have one.”

Hijikata stared at the mayo bottle and its yellow content, and immediately cold sweat started to pour down on his face. Gintoki opened the bottle, and he gently took a hold of Hijikata’s hand.

“It’s all right. It just an ordinary mayonnaise bottle. I promise to you, that it doesn’t speak or move or do anything abnormal whatsoever,” Gintoki reassured, but Hijikata didn’t reach out for it. Gintoki sighed. Hijikata’s mayonnaise trauma was worse than he had thought.

They had secretly met up every day in a small cafe since the day they had returned to Earth, and Gintoki had noticed how Hijikata hadn’t drowned his food with mayonnaise like he used to. He hadn’t used mayonnaise at all. And when he had questioned Hijikata about this, he had learned the truth. And since Gintoki knew how much mayonnaise meant to Hijikata, he had decided to help his boyfriend to get over his fear. But apparently it was easier said than done.

“Ok. Watch this,” Gintoki said and took a slurp from the bottle. “S-see? It’s not… b-bad,” he shivered and tried his best to keep the mayonnaise inside him. If he threw up now, Hijikata would get scarred for life. “Okay, now you try,” Gintoki placed the mayo bottle in Hijikata’s hand. Hijikata’s hand startled when he touched the bottle.

“Come on! It’s mayonnaise! Love of your life!” Gintoki tried to encourage Hijikata, but he was still reluctant to taste it.

 

_“Love of his life, you've hurt him_

_You've broken his heart and now you leave him_

_Mayo of his life, can't you see?_

_Bring it back, bring it back_

_Don’t take your sour taste away, because you don't know_

_What it means to him,_

 

_Mayo of his life, don’t leave him_

_You’ve taken his love, and now you desert him_

_Mayo of his life, can’t you see?_

_Bring it back, bring it back_

_Don’t take your sour taste away, because you don't know_

_What it means to him,”_

 

Gintoki sang off key with the Queen’s melody. He was running out of ideas. He hadn’t exactly planned to spend the whole day solving Hijikata’s mayonnaise trauma. He had some other plans in his mind, if you know what he meant.

“Come on, Hijikata-kun, just one-,”

He turned to look at Hijikata, who was holding the bottle close to his mouth. Hijikata was slurping the mayonnaise! Hallelujah!

“Did I do that? Was it my song? Did my song give you courage, Hijikata-kun?!” Gintoki asked jubilantly as he watched Hijikata to suck the last drops from the bottle.

“Yeah. It was so off-key that I had to either face my old trauma or get a new one from your singing,” Hijikata said, his gaze wandering around the room. “Do you have more in here?” he asked hopefully.

“No, sorry. But I got something sweet as a dessert for you,” Gintoki hinted smirking, and leaned towards Hijikata. But apparently Hijikata wasn’t ready for the dessert yet, as he suddenly leapt to his feet and Gintoki ended up kissing the sofa instead.

“No, I think you still have some,” Hijikata mumbled stubbornly and headed to the fridge. He grabbed onto the fridge’s door hungrily, ready to open it, when someone jumped on his back.

“No! You’re cured now! It’s time for you to give therapist Gin-san his payment!” Gintoki protested as he hanged on Hijikata’s back.

“I’ll buy you a parfait later! But now give me my mayonnaise!” Hijikata tried to shake Gintoki off from his back while unsteadily heading back to the fridge.

“I don’t have more! It was terrible enough to buy one in the first place, not to mention keeping it here!” Gintoki yelled and tried to lead Hijikata back to the sofas.

“You’re lying!”

“I’m not! Think about the children! You can’t even imagine the pained look on the kids’ faces when they crave for food, but there’s nothing else in the whole house than just one damn mayo bottle!”

“It’s not my fault if you can’t afford to buy food for them!” Hijikata leaned at the fridge’s direction again.

“Because I had to use my last money on your therapy bottle!”

“ _I gave you_ that money!”

They kept going back and forth between the sofas and the fridge, and when they were again near the sofas, Hijikata happened to stumble, and both came crashing down on the floor.

“Now we are talking…,” Gintoki mumbled satisfied when he was lying on top of Hijikata, and leaned again for a kiss. Unfortunately Hijikata stopped his attempt again by accidentally hitting his jaw with his elbow, when he reached his hand out to take something under the sofa.

“What is this?!” Hijikata exclaimed shocked when he noticed that the item he had found was a paper portrait of Gintoki.

Gintoki, laying on a couch… naked… only a small piece of cloth covering the radical parts.

“Do you like it? You can have it,” Gintoki said innocently while rubbing his jaw.

“W-where did this come from?” Hijikata demanded, staring at the portrait eyes wide.

“Oh, it’s simple. Do you remember the day when Tomohiro and the guards put us in our own rooms?” Gintoki asked.

“Yes.”

“And later I sneaked into your room with the help of smelling salt that Philomena had given me?”

“Yeah…,” Hijikata said slowly, not sure if he wanted to hear the explanation after all.

“And like I told you back then, she didn’t give it to me freely. And even though you dirty-mindedly suggested that I had slept with her, that wasn’t the case.”

“So… she asked from you to be a model for her?” Hijikata figured in disbelief.

“Sure. And it’s pretty good, don’t you think? Though it’s impossible to make a bad portrait of me,” Gintoki said smugly.

“Hmm…if you can draw Shinpachi, you can draw anyone, right?” Hijikata teased, and attempted to get up, but Gintoki rolled him on his back instead, startling Hijikata.

“Oi! What do you…,” Hijikata swallowed his last words when Gintoki leaned close to his face.

Gintoki kept looking at Hijikata, not backing away even for an inch. Hijikata anticipated what was going to happen, so he closed his eyes, and leaned closer to Gintoki lips.

“Give me a poem,” Gintoki blurted and stopped Hijikata’s kiss with his hand.

Hijikata opened his eyes in confusion. “A poem?” he repeated.

Gintoki nodded, “I gave you a song, I think it’s only fair that you give me something as well.”

“Isn’t kiss enough?” Hijikata argued and tried to kiss Gintoki but he stopped him in the midway again.

“First the poem.”

“This is just ridiculous! Your song wasn’t even original! You only changed the lyrics!”

“It doesn’t have to be original. But it has to come from you heart. And you have to mean every word when you say it to me,” Gintoki stated.

“Was your song really for me, though? Sounded more like an ode to mayonnaise”, Hijikata retorted with a sigh. “Fine, here goes.”

“What? You’re ready already?”

“It is just something that came to my mind,” Hijikata mumbled sheepishly, and cleared his throat before beginning. “I love you once, I love you twice…I love you more than… mayonnaise and rice.” Hijikata’s cheeks got immediately red, and when Gintoki rewarded him with a deep kiss, even a tomato would have been jealous of the color on his face.

“I’m not sure if you even realize what you just said,” Gintoki grinned ear to ear after the kiss.

“I know what I said,” Hijikata said sharply, “And I meant it…,” he whispered softly.

“Well I’m more than pleased to hear that,” Gintoki smiled and kissed Hijikata again.

The kiss lasted longer this time, and Hijikata’s hands grabbed on Gintoki’s sliver-hair gently. Soon both started to help each other to get their clothes off as fast as they could, and it didn’t take long until they both were topless.

“I guess the sofa would be a better place,” Gintoki suggested, and pushed Hijikata gently on it before getting on top of him. They dived into another passionate kiss, and slowly Gintoki’s hands started to wander from Hijikata’s shoulders to his sides.

_This is really happening!_ Both of them thought inside their heads.

Slowly, Gintoki’s hands started to unbutton Hijikata’s pants, making Hijikata stiffen from the tension. Gintoki noticed this, and looked at Hijikata with a concern in his eyes.

“Are you sure you want to do this? You know that we can wait if you’re not read yet?” he asked gently while caressing Hijikata’s cheek with his thumb.

“I’m ready,” Hijikata nodded, earning a slight chuckle from Gintoki.

“I love y-,”

“YOU! OR IT COULD BE YOU! WHO WINS PARFAITS FOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE? TRY YOUR LUCK IN OUR EXITCING AND FUNNY GAME! PEOPLE WITH SILVER HAIR GET TO PLAY FOR FREE!” A voice through a microphone echoed outside, and Gintoki jumped off from Hijikata in seconds.

“Free parfaits?! For the rest of my life?! My praises have been answered! Let’s go Hijikata-kun!” Gintoki exclaimed excitedly, not even minding covering his upper body.

“ARE YOU SERIOUS!? NOW?”

“We can have sex whenever we want, but free parfaits, Hijikata-kun! This is once in a life time chance!”

Hijikata couldn’t believe what he was hearing. He had confessed to Gintoki that he loved him more than mayonnaise, but apparently Hijikata was still second to sugar in Gintoki’s life. Or at least having sex with him was. Gintoki grabbed the hand of Hijikata, who hardly managed to take his uniform jacket with him before Gintoki took him outside.

 

 

“This is unbelievable,” Hijikata muttered frustrated as he walked on the street with Gintoki searching for the free parfaits.

“Calm down. This is actually a good thing for you as well. After my sugar levels hit the roof, you will have the treatment of your life,” Gintoki reassured as he looked around the area. “I don’t understand. Where the heck is it?” Gintoki scratched his head confused. “I’m not even sure what I’m looking for. They didn’t say where the game is.”

“Maybe you should have thought of that first before you dragged us here,” Hijikata complained and wiped sweat from his forehead. “Damn, it’s hot,” he sighed.

“Yeah, hopefully they have a good cooling system so that my precious parfaits won’t melt,” Gintoki said worriedly and wiped sweat from his forehead as well.

“You haven’t won them yet,” Hijikata noted and kept wiping his forehead. He felt so hot that it was almost ridiculous. Then suddenly Gintoki stopped in his tracks, confusing Hijikata.

“Oi. What’s the matter?” he asked, when he noticed how Gintoki stared at the sky. Hijikata turned his gaze up as well, and soon found out what had made Gintoki stop all of sudden.

A big spaceship in a shape of parfait was hovering above them, and it was slowly getting lower and lower towards them.

“What. Is. That?” Hijikata stared at the sight. This suddenly felt scarily familiar.

“Hijikata-kun,” Gintoki called out nervously. “I changed my mind. I'm not hungry anymore.”

“What do you…?”

“RUN!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A special thanks to Winter_Waltz for giving me an idea about Hijikata getting a mayonnaise trauma!
> 
> This has been a great first-time experience on writing fanfic, and I want to thank all of you wonderful people for reading my first story! There’re no words to describe how happy I’m for all the comments and kudos and bookmarks <3
> 
> It has been fun to write this fic, even though it hasn’t always been easy. And this has also been a good way to practice my English. 
> 
> Thank you!


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